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Need help with "misplaced anger"
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<blockquote data-quote="timer lady" data-source="post: 146324" data-attributes="member: 393"><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>Misplaced anger in some adopted children is the norm. My very traumatized twins were placed with husband & I at the age of 6. We had very little background (much to our surprise & dismay) given to us even though we were assured all background info had been given to us. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/grrr.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":grrr:" title="grrr :grrr:" data-shortname=":grrr:" /></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>Beyond that, the tweedles came to us very hurt, very emotionally battered children. The anger directed at me was & is misplaced! </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>The biggest lesson I've learned over the last 7 years is to be proactive instead of reactive to this anger (or any other antic) thrown my way. I've learned to read kt's moods & many of her triggers (that aren't trauma related). When I see kt in a certain mindset I redirect kt. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>Nowadays it's fashion magazines (I keep a few new ones hidden away for this), making earrings or doing our nails. Mostly, doing kt's nails. Makeup lessons, styling hair & fashion shows. Many times our PCAs will take kt to the nearest Goodwill store & kt will spend hours trying on clothes.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>One of kt's favorite ways to self calm (many times I suggest it) is to shower. When she was younger it was taking a long bath with her favorite toys. I also kept a box filled with rice & many types of beans & such. We would put our hands into that box & start sorting the beans. kt loved the sensory feelings & still does. Sometimes, I would pick kt up & start singing & dancing with her - her favorite song was "Dancing Cheek to Cheek". Again, another sensory feeling for her. It was like rocking her (which she resisited) but dancing is okay.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>We had less success with wm with these techniques. He raged & we were seldom able to catch him before he blew. When we could redirect wm, it was outside on the swingset or in the sand box. He loved his bed tent (would spend hours inside it playing with his action figures). He always said he felt safe in his bed tent - I was dismayed when wm outgrew it.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>In the midst of the anger do not react. The best I would/do give kt or wm when they is "thank you for sharing your feelings" & that is said in a very soft voice. Simply for my edification. kt or wm seldom heard anything I had to say. It's difficult to remain stone faced & not react to that level of emotion, however when I did react it just fed into that anger. I let my exhausted spirit for later when in the shower or in the privacy of my bedroom. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>I've learned the above just by hit & miss. The 2 books I used & still do is Parenting with Love & Logic and Parenting the Hurt Child. The Explosive Child is used on my line in the sand items. The 2 Books by Keck (Parenting & Adopting the Hurt Child) offer many ways to connect with your child through sensory ways. I never agreed with restraining or holding therapy for my children because of the level of abuse/trauma they suffered. It would re-traumatize them.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>I hope this helps. It doesn't work every time nor did I expect it to. I can offer you other info on therapy for PTSD & attachment issues/disorder. However, when I came to this board I was well aware of the therapies & was looking for down to earth, common sense things I could use in the home. I was drowning & needed a life jacket. All the therapists gave me was the whys & wherefores - not the day to day survival.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>And having said all that, my children are survivors. We are doing all we can think of to give them a healthy life. I am humbled daily by what they have survived but have to keep my eye on the goal, to look forward not back & to be healthy, law abiding adults & to function to the highest of their capabilities. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>If you made it this far, I'd like to offer one other suggestion. Find time for you - find someone else to take on the anger while you get away if at all possible. I'm blessed to have the service of respite. It has been our one saving grace in this home. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong>One more thing....your little one will not understand her anger for quite some time yet. It's just now (the tweedles are 13) that kt & wm are beginning to process this anger, the abuse they have survived. I think that it's just too much for a young one to take in or understand at the age of 6. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: Teal"><strong></strong></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="timer lady, post: 146324, member: 393"] [COLOR=Teal][B]Misplaced anger in some adopted children is the norm. My very traumatized twins were placed with husband & I at the age of 6. We had very little background (much to our surprise & dismay) given to us even though we were assured all background info had been given to us. :grrr: Beyond that, the tweedles came to us very hurt, very emotionally battered children. The anger directed at me was & is misplaced! The biggest lesson I've learned over the last 7 years is to be proactive instead of reactive to this anger (or any other antic) thrown my way. I've learned to read kt's moods & many of her triggers (that aren't trauma related). When I see kt in a certain mindset I redirect kt. Nowadays it's fashion magazines (I keep a few new ones hidden away for this), making earrings or doing our nails. Mostly, doing kt's nails. Makeup lessons, styling hair & fashion shows. Many times our PCAs will take kt to the nearest Goodwill store & kt will spend hours trying on clothes. One of kt's favorite ways to self calm (many times I suggest it) is to shower. When she was younger it was taking a long bath with her favorite toys. I also kept a box filled with rice & many types of beans & such. We would put our hands into that box & start sorting the beans. kt loved the sensory feelings & still does. Sometimes, I would pick kt up & start singing & dancing with her - her favorite song was "Dancing Cheek to Cheek". Again, another sensory feeling for her. It was like rocking her (which she resisited) but dancing is okay. We had less success with wm with these techniques. He raged & we were seldom able to catch him before he blew. When we could redirect wm, it was outside on the swingset or in the sand box. He loved his bed tent (would spend hours inside it playing with his action figures). He always said he felt safe in his bed tent - I was dismayed when wm outgrew it. In the midst of the anger do not react. The best I would/do give kt or wm when they is "thank you for sharing your feelings" & that is said in a very soft voice. Simply for my edification. kt or wm seldom heard anything I had to say. It's difficult to remain stone faced & not react to that level of emotion, however when I did react it just fed into that anger. I let my exhausted spirit for later when in the shower or in the privacy of my bedroom. I've learned the above just by hit & miss. The 2 books I used & still do is Parenting with Love & Logic and Parenting the Hurt Child. The Explosive Child is used on my line in the sand items. The 2 Books by Keck (Parenting & Adopting the Hurt Child) offer many ways to connect with your child through sensory ways. I never agreed with restraining or holding therapy for my children because of the level of abuse/trauma they suffered. It would re-traumatize them. I hope this helps. It doesn't work every time nor did I expect it to. I can offer you other info on therapy for PTSD & attachment issues/disorder. However, when I came to this board I was well aware of the therapies & was looking for down to earth, common sense things I could use in the home. I was drowning & needed a life jacket. All the therapists gave me was the whys & wherefores - not the day to day survival. And having said all that, my children are survivors. We are doing all we can think of to give them a healthy life. I am humbled daily by what they have survived but have to keep my eye on the goal, to look forward not back & to be healthy, law abiding adults & to function to the highest of their capabilities. If you made it this far, I'd like to offer one other suggestion. Find time for you - find someone else to take on the anger while you get away if at all possible. I'm blessed to have the service of respite. It has been our one saving grace in this home. One more thing....your little one will not understand her anger for quite some time yet. It's just now (the tweedles are 13) that kt & wm are beginning to process this anger, the abuse they have survived. I think that it's just too much for a young one to take in or understand at the age of 6. [/B][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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