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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 405645" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am going to be quite blunt. Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but it needs to be said. Your job in life is first to love and protect YOUR child, then to find someone you love, then way down the line to help with his child/children. Get your daughter out of that situation. NOW. This is NO place for her to be. She is a MUCH easier target than you are and you CANNOT protect her from the other child. I thought I could protect my younger children from my difficult child - I couldn't. we ended up iwth him spending 4 months in a psychiatric hospital because he was strangling her in the middle of the night. the night I found this she was almost unconscious and it wasn't the first time. It is a MIRACLE that my Jessica is still alive. That is NOT a joke or overstatement, it is the flat, plain truth. She never said a WORD to us because he said he would kill their little brother and then me if she did. She had NO reason to not believe him. A couple of years later he started to hit me when he got upset and he got upset over everything. I had to insist that the sheriffs take him away and he cannot live with us. We have worked to rebuild our relationship - mine is better with him and he and the other kids now have a great relationship but they will NEVER live together again. Period. </p><p> </p><p>My husband and I are the bio parents of all 3 and we still couldn't keep everyone safe. For YEARS we didn't go out on dates at all because we couldn'tleave the kids with sitters. If one of us was home with the kids we couldn't even leave them alone long enough to pee. Not even the 120 seconds we pared peeing and hand washing down to. We had to take the same sex child into the bathroom with us. I took my daughter and husband took Wiz. Wiz felt thank you was too small to pick on and he was a boy and boy's don't "need" to be beaten in his mind (at the time) so thank you didn't end up hurt. But jess had bruises and/or was bleeding after EVERY time they were alone in a room for even a minute. If I was cooking I had to have one of them in the kitchen (which was tiny) with me. </p><p> </p><p>Even then he would get up after we were asleep and go attack her. </p><p> </p><p>Is this how you want your child's life to look? Your life to be? Do you want to go through all of this for a child who truly wants to KILL you? Who will NEVER be appreciative of ANYTHING and will HATE you for YEARS?</p><p> </p><p>Get out of that home. You can still date him, but don't live iwth him - don't put your child through all of this. yeah, it will make her stronger, but it may also make her hate you for putting her into that position and not keeping her safe. In your child's mind you will be choosing that man AND his awful daughter over her. Is that the message you want to send?</p><p> </p><p>If you do stay, STOP disciplining or caretaking the 13yo. That is NOT NOT NOT YOUR JOB. It is HIS job, her father's. She will resent EVERYTHING that you do and will do EVERYTHING she can to destroy and/or damage anything and everyone you care for. Period. </p><p> </p><p>I know it is hard, and you do deserve a life and someone to love you. No one is arguing that. That just cannot come first if your child is in danger, and she is. </p><p> </p><p>Please be aware that if you take stepdau to a therapist of any kind behind your husband's back it will not only show him that he cannot trust you, and that you do not trust him to parent his child, it iwll also destroy the career, reputation and ability to earn a living of the therapist. A therapist who treats a patient with-o the custodial parent's consent will lose her license. You can find all the therapists you want for yourself and YOUR child, but you cannot do it for his. You can suggest that he take her, and point out that you often have to go through several therapists before you find the right one, but you cannot do anything behind his back. If he doesn't want her in therapy and you take her, it will be a HUGE betrayal of him and your relationship. I would NEVER stay in a relationship with someone who did that with my child. Couldn't because they wouldn't be trustworthy. </p><p> </p><p>You need to worry more about YOUR daughter and less about his. I asked Jessica how she would have felt if I was in your situation and had moved us (her and I) into a house iwth a man that cared about us and his older child who was a difficult child. Jessica is VERY levelheaded, honest and up front. She is a complete easy child and a wonderful child and young woman. She was pretty blunt - she would HATE me because it would be clear that I was choosing this man AND his awful daughter (her word, I am NOT saying your stepdau is awful, but her behaviors sound awful) over her. It would seem to her that I cared more for the awful "step"daughter than I did for her because otherwise I would get her out of that unsafe situation.</p><p> </p><p>That is how most kids would feel, in my opinion. I typed exactly what she said to give you an idea of how your child may be viewing this. in my opinion you and your daughter need to be in therapy to work through this regardless of the choices you make about SO and his child. I also know that my daughter would not tell me all of the abuse from the older child because she wouldn't trust me to care because I put her in that situation and should already know what is going on and have stopped it. NOT an adult perspective, but a very common child's point of view.</p><p> </p><p>I know this is hard, and that you sincerely care for this man and are trying to care for his daughter. Every step parent book/guide/etc... I have ever seen has always said that teh step parent should NOT be involved in ANY matters of discipline, etc... The 2 of you should agree on some basic rules but he has to enforce them with his daughter and you with yours. My bro married a woman with 2 teen sons and refused to follow this advice (he refuses to follow any advice on anything so it wasn't a surprise). even though he is now divorced, her sons still will not visit her and will barely speak to her because she chose him over them. He WAS abusive to them (and her) and drove them away. Our family tried to help and looked at a lot of guides for step parents. </p><p> </p><p>I am sorry this wasn't as helpful as you maybe wanted. You just have to focus on your responsibilities and that means first protecting your daughter. You cannot while you live with this child who wants to hurt you. It just isn't possible.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 405645, member: 1233"] I am going to be quite blunt. Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but it needs to be said. Your job in life is first to love and protect YOUR child, then to find someone you love, then way down the line to help with his child/children. Get your daughter out of that situation. NOW. This is NO place for her to be. She is a MUCH easier target than you are and you CANNOT protect her from the other child. I thought I could protect my younger children from my difficult child - I couldn't. we ended up iwth him spending 4 months in a psychiatric hospital because he was strangling her in the middle of the night. the night I found this she was almost unconscious and it wasn't the first time. It is a MIRACLE that my Jessica is still alive. That is NOT a joke or overstatement, it is the flat, plain truth. She never said a WORD to us because he said he would kill their little brother and then me if she did. She had NO reason to not believe him. A couple of years later he started to hit me when he got upset and he got upset over everything. I had to insist that the sheriffs take him away and he cannot live with us. We have worked to rebuild our relationship - mine is better with him and he and the other kids now have a great relationship but they will NEVER live together again. Period. My husband and I are the bio parents of all 3 and we still couldn't keep everyone safe. For YEARS we didn't go out on dates at all because we couldn'tleave the kids with sitters. If one of us was home with the kids we couldn't even leave them alone long enough to pee. Not even the 120 seconds we pared peeing and hand washing down to. We had to take the same sex child into the bathroom with us. I took my daughter and husband took Wiz. Wiz felt thank you was too small to pick on and he was a boy and boy's don't "need" to be beaten in his mind (at the time) so thank you didn't end up hurt. But jess had bruises and/or was bleeding after EVERY time they were alone in a room for even a minute. If I was cooking I had to have one of them in the kitchen (which was tiny) with me. Even then he would get up after we were asleep and go attack her. Is this how you want your child's life to look? Your life to be? Do you want to go through all of this for a child who truly wants to KILL you? Who will NEVER be appreciative of ANYTHING and will HATE you for YEARS? Get out of that home. You can still date him, but don't live iwth him - don't put your child through all of this. yeah, it will make her stronger, but it may also make her hate you for putting her into that position and not keeping her safe. In your child's mind you will be choosing that man AND his awful daughter over her. Is that the message you want to send? If you do stay, STOP disciplining or caretaking the 13yo. That is NOT NOT NOT YOUR JOB. It is HIS job, her father's. She will resent EVERYTHING that you do and will do EVERYTHING she can to destroy and/or damage anything and everyone you care for. Period. I know it is hard, and you do deserve a life and someone to love you. No one is arguing that. That just cannot come first if your child is in danger, and she is. Please be aware that if you take stepdau to a therapist of any kind behind your husband's back it will not only show him that he cannot trust you, and that you do not trust him to parent his child, it iwll also destroy the career, reputation and ability to earn a living of the therapist. A therapist who treats a patient with-o the custodial parent's consent will lose her license. You can find all the therapists you want for yourself and YOUR child, but you cannot do it for his. You can suggest that he take her, and point out that you often have to go through several therapists before you find the right one, but you cannot do anything behind his back. If he doesn't want her in therapy and you take her, it will be a HUGE betrayal of him and your relationship. I would NEVER stay in a relationship with someone who did that with my child. Couldn't because they wouldn't be trustworthy. You need to worry more about YOUR daughter and less about his. I asked Jessica how she would have felt if I was in your situation and had moved us (her and I) into a house iwth a man that cared about us and his older child who was a difficult child. Jessica is VERY levelheaded, honest and up front. She is a complete easy child and a wonderful child and young woman. She was pretty blunt - she would HATE me because it would be clear that I was choosing this man AND his awful daughter (her word, I am NOT saying your stepdau is awful, but her behaviors sound awful) over her. It would seem to her that I cared more for the awful "step"daughter than I did for her because otherwise I would get her out of that unsafe situation. That is how most kids would feel, in my opinion. I typed exactly what she said to give you an idea of how your child may be viewing this. in my opinion you and your daughter need to be in therapy to work through this regardless of the choices you make about SO and his child. I also know that my daughter would not tell me all of the abuse from the older child because she wouldn't trust me to care because I put her in that situation and should already know what is going on and have stopped it. NOT an adult perspective, but a very common child's point of view. I know this is hard, and that you sincerely care for this man and are trying to care for his daughter. Every step parent book/guide/etc... I have ever seen has always said that teh step parent should NOT be involved in ANY matters of discipline, etc... The 2 of you should agree on some basic rules but he has to enforce them with his daughter and you with yours. My bro married a woman with 2 teen sons and refused to follow this advice (he refuses to follow any advice on anything so it wasn't a surprise). even though he is now divorced, her sons still will not visit her and will barely speak to her because she chose him over them. He WAS abusive to them (and her) and drove them away. Our family tried to help and looked at a lot of guides for step parents. I am sorry this wasn't as helpful as you maybe wanted. You just have to focus on your responsibilities and that means first protecting your daughter. You cannot while you live with this child who wants to hurt you. It just isn't possible. [/QUOTE]
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