Need prayers

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Sep 13, 2019.

  1. So my son who lives in another state seemed to be doing well. Although he never follows recommendations and does it his way, he seemed to be doing well at work and having good decision making... Well, so much for that. I have not seen my son since Dec. and today he facetimed me... it was horrifying. He says he relapsed and missed work a few days. Was trying to go in today and was running late so got an electric scooter and crashed it because he was intoxicated. His face looks more like he was in a fight. Eye is swollen, nose is swollen, blood just awful.
    I didn't know what to say and I am not sympathetic anymore so I am numb. He didn't like when I said he should go to urgent care and get looked over. He lashed out saying he didn't have money for that and owes how much in medical bills (he went to the er at least 5 times in the past 9 months due to drinking) I refuse to pay those deductibles. I said well then get yourself together and go to work on Monday. He told me that he doesn't even know why he called because I always make him feel like :censored2:. I found out his new relationship went south. She told him she wants nothing to do with him... He told my husband she wanted him to try acid so not sure what else they did . I am glad she is gone but he has issues. Everytime he relapsed it was over a girl and a relationship. I reminded him that in recovery there should be no relationships and well that went over well. He said he only feels whole if he has a girl in his life.
    He needs prayers. I need prayers. I need to stay strong. I don't know what God's plan is for him. I just know I am tired of this roller coaster. Really thought he was getting his life together esp after he received a nice review at his job and an incentive. Just so sad right now.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    You have my prayers as does your son. It isnt about your sons job. His problems are due to drinking.Period.

    Only after he quits drinking forever will his life change. I know recovered alcoholics who haven't drunk AT ALL for decades and never relapse anymore. It is a determination and a mindset.

    I am just leaving my therapis.t's office and am tired and driving home next to my driving husband. Today I had a very distressing call from Kay after all this time. I may or may not post about it. Anyway I spoke to my therapist about her and her two decades of constant pot abuse and now Kratom and other stuff that fogs up the brain. This therapist group that mine belongs to also works with addicts. My kind but no nonsense therapist reminded me that chronic pot use has been proven to negatively affect the brain and that this is a big reason why Kay gets no better. I am sure it is the same with alcohol. You cant abuse your mind and body for years and expect them to work right.

    Remember that your son is an alcoholic and will make bad decisions as long as he drinks at all, just like Kay. I don't like this but I accept it, especially after today. It was so nice when she didn't call at all. I had blocked her but she used a neighbor's phone and I answered the strange number.

    Prayers are in order for everyone today, I guess.
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2019
  3. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    trying, sorry, it's hard to see your son like that. Has he facetimed you before, or did he do that for your reaction? He must know how he looks, so maybe he wanted you to know? It's not you making him feel like poop, it's his decisions that are doing that. I hope someday he'll just call you with good news. Until then, prayers are coming your and his way. Keep strong.
  4. Earthishard.. I have not seen my son since December 16th. No pictures no facetime- We spoke a few weeks ago about his job and the other position he was offered. He did call my parents 2 x's in the past month and they said he sounded better than ever. In the few texts I received from him he seemed to be making good decisions and was trying to pay off his debt.. Not sure what happened with the girl. She smoked weed with him and apparently was into other drugs like acid. He told my husband he tried that because she wanted him to... I know not to believe much of what he says. I fear he tried other drugs. I have no idea what went wrong in the relationship but if it is like the others... he gets drunk and is very nasty. He always is depressed about his finances which he caused himself.
    He said today he didn't have any money to go to the urgent care or er because of all the past bills he owes... but yet he had money for booze, weed and acid...
    So if he calls again, which I doubt because I make him feel like :censored2:..., what am I to say? no matter what I say it is wrong. I just won't answer the phone I guess. Did that before.
    He has been told how many times he needs to have people around him that are sober, he needs not to get in a relationship, he needs to work on himself... and yet he doesn't do anything that is recommended.
    He is in God's hands. I feel helpless and somewhat hopeless.
    It feels like having a loved one with a disease that goes into remission and then starts back up.
    I thank you all for the prayers.
    When he was 17 he had a girlfriend and worshiped the ground she walked on. He bought her things and was just so loving. She broke up with him because he was always depressed... I just don't know what is wrong.
  5. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Our sons and daughters need our constant prayers, as do we. My son who was fighting meth addiction was doing really well. Clean since April. Bragging on Facebook about being x days clean. Until last month when his half brother passed away, he got strep throat, his roommate was hospitalized with a kidney condition (he missed a lot of work due to all the above) and then missed more work due to evacuating from Dorian. I know he relapsed at least once, probably more, may or may not be actively using currently and I'm sure his finances are in the toilet. He's about to make what I think is the worst decision he could possibly make and will probably end up back in the hornet's nest of relationships and addiction that we helped him get out of almost a year ago. And not a darn thing we can do about it except worry, cry, and pray.

    My son too has to either be in a relationship or at least a hookup at all times. After his father left me it was years before I was interested in seeing other men. I wish he would just take some time to focus on recovery and work but he can only go so long and then he's trying to meet people through dating apps. That usually doesn't work out for him so it's a vicious merry go round that never stops.

    Prayers for you and your son and everyone affected by his drug and alcohol use. Relapse is a big part of the recovery process. We can only pray that one day they get and stay clean for keeps. Hugs.
  6. I am back in that position again where I feel like I am enabling. I feel like I don't have anywhere to turn. His eye is swollen shut, purple and blue which is bruising and he is coughing up blood and when he blows his nose there is blood. Yesterday, he lashed out because he is tired of everyone saying he should go to the ER to get looked at. Said he has no money for that and is still paying on all of the other ER copays from the past year. (went about 6 times due to alcohol withdrawals and wanting medications for it but then went right back to drinking) We did not offer to pay those ER copays of $250 each because we felt we have and are doing enough by paying the insurance deductibles of $2000 in network and $5000 out of network)
    They say not to shame them or quilt them and this is where I have a difficult time. So he lashed out at me yesterday saying he has no money to go to the ER and how I must feel like an awesome person suggesting that when he has .48 left in his savings account... I replied "how do you pay for booze then?" That didn't go over. Told me he spent the last of his money on booze.
    We offered to pay for the ER copay this time. I also reminded him that the other 6 times were due to alcohol and I got "You don't need to remind me that i am trash, I know that myself"
    I just don't get it. After all he has been through with medical bills, after knowing he can't afford to miss work or he can't pay his rent , he still turns to booze, weed, etc.
    We refuse to help with his rent and I am going to send the links to him with numbers to call for assistance. I don't know exactly how that will work but it is worth a try.
    He is also down to one pair of glasses. He literally is blind without them so it is not good that he has no spares. This weighs no me terribly. Even if life just happens and it is not due to his alcohol use and the spare breaks he won't be able to work because he can't see. So, now I feel like I need to pay for a spare set of glasses.
    I shouldn't feel this way.
    I can't tell him how we feel- that he is going to be 25 and that he needs to stop wasting money on booze, tattoos, items that are way above his means,etc. but he won't care. He will turn it back to how he knows he is trash.
    After all the counseling, treatment, etc., he still does it his way....
    I guess you all understand and are just as frustrated as us.
    We are told not to enable them. I just don't know where to draw the line.
  7. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member


    It's really hard having a conversation with our kids when they are in this position. Hopefully he'll reach out for help and realize there are others who care about him too. There is a place called Interfaith Community Services out here who pays for a month of rent for people who need help. You wouldn't know it because it doesn't say anything on their website but maybe they can guide you for someone in your son's area who he can reach out to. Our son somehow went to a church near him some time ago when he needed assistance. They sat down with him and ended up sending a month of rent to his landlord to help him out.

    It's hard on you when you feel helpless and hard on him when he feels helpless. I hope he can find a way to let others help.
  8. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I’m so sorry for all your heartache. You are worrying so much that you are breaking your own heart. I know because that seems to be my MO too.

    In my experience it it only by leaning on God that you’ll get through this. Really turning our focus on God. By doing this i know I’m able to give Him all my worries and anxieties. When I do this (repeatedly) I can tell my mind to stop trying to figure out all the answers.

    Keep remembering you didn’t cause, you can’t control and you can’t cure his addictions.

    I also saw you mentioned that your son may have been triggered due to the death of his step brother. In Al anon someone told me (my ex of 30 years brought me there) that an alcoholic will find reason to drink even over an untied shoelace. That is the truth!

    Remember you are powerless over this. Surround yourself with a good support group ( and if you were and stopped) get back into it. I tend to go into freeze mode in crisis until someone snaps me out of it and reminds me to pick up my tool box. For me that’s first and foremost prayer and trust in God, my Higher Power, surrounding myself with my support groups and or a friend or family member who will encourage me with the values and limits I know I need to put and keep in place and then practice those. Read a good book on enabling or the detachment info posted on this forum.

    I’m sure you know all these things but I often need reminding because again I tend to freeze up with anxiety and worry.

    You’re giving all your control over to your son when the ONLY person you can change in this situation is yourself and how you deal with it. We tend to react to the addict. That is exhausting. Choose instead how you will act.

    Take control of your spinning worries, thoughts and dread of what might happen.

    I Will be praying for you.
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  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Er has to treat him whether he pays or not. You don't have to cough up a copay. He can pay a dollar a week. Or not. They treat people who are indigent with no coverage all the time. They bring people in off the street without checking to make sure they have insurance. At my point in life I can no longer afford to pay for whatever Kay does to make herself vulnerable to sickness or accidents. But I would encourage her to go to ER and pay a buck a week. Most of our kids smoke cigarettes, do drugs, find cash for what they want. Kay can find $1 a week. If she doesn't care enough about her credit to pay this small amount, then it is her problem. Our troubled kids make themselves into bullies and victims and break our banks doing it.

    I just spoke to Kay so I am feeling cynical. But I think maybe your son is trying to make you feel guilty over something that is in no way your fault so that you are feeling weak and hand over money for drugs. Kay did this all the time. She didn't like when we offered to pay, say, a doctor directly. She wanted the cash.

    Kay doesn't trust doctors or see them unless she wants money from us for one. Hmmmm. Then when we want to pay the doctor directly she says we don't trust her.

    We don't and cant trust her. We do not go out of our way to criticize Kay, but we don't give in either anymore. I think the blinders suddenly came off and I know her game. Our new game is that she can find ways to do things herself because she is smart. Your son is too. They are highly educated in Manipulation 101. That takes brains. Most of us are not dummies but they fool us all the time.

    I will send prayers to you in the hopes that you can be the soldier you must be for yourself and your son. Be well.
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    He didn't lash out at you "because you suggested he go to ER and he has no money for that". He lashed out because he wanted to and because he can. People are responsible for their actions and he does have control over himself when he wants to. We all do.

    When relationships with our adult kids have gotten to a point of resentments and miscommunication on both sides , it can feel like everything we say is wrong. What I have started to do is 1. Say very little 2. Only listen 3. Affirm the feelings they seem to be communicating 4. Don't make solutions, judgements, or give advice

    So upon seeing his smashed up face something like "Ouch, that must hurt". "What happened?" Then only listen. Things like "how difficult for you" or "that must be hard to experience". You know, neutral responses .Addicts already feel shame and guilt. They know they are screwing up. When we throw it in their face, they only get mad at us, and thereby do not take a look at themselves. By staying neutral, they have a chance to take responsibility for their actions, and it preserves our relationship as much as possible.
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  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Tattoos are something I have never been able to understand. It seems like more young people are getting them now. What they don't know is that twenty years from now, the ink will fade and their skin will wrinkle, causing the tattoos to look awful. Laser surgery costs a fortune. Hardly anyone had tattoos when was that age. When I was at the car wash today I saw a sign posted on time clock where the employees clock in and out. It reminded the employees to look professional and that their personal appearance was important. Obviously, most of them didn't pay any attention to the sign because almost all the employees had multiple tattoos. I think tattoos look trashy. What a waste of money, especially when they tattoo the whole body. For girls to have tattoos just ruins their appearance. Do kids do this to get back at their parents?
  12. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I don't get it, either .They will be broke but spend $500 for a tattoo. It's a permanent thing for people who will still change so much throughout their lives.
  13. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I do kind of grimace at kids and anyone with tatooed faces, arms and legs, but most people who do that don't plan to work where this matters and don't care if anyone thinks they look offputting to some people. .

    At our business, we tend to be fine with people who have modest tattooes and ear piercing, but we don't hire people who have too many piercings or large, visible tattoos. That to us represents an attitude about themselves that is not compatible with our values. And we have the right to decide the faces of those who work for us. We can chose dress codes.

    We drug test too. Breaks my heart that Kay would fail our drug test, but she can't work here anyway. Still....ironic and sad.

    If you want to deliver pizza, like Lee, or cook in back of a restaurant or work at a car wash or some retail stores, it probably is okay to do these things. But you won't see this, I don't think, at companies that care about their projected images.

    Guess what? Lee has many tatoos, some on his neck and arms. Very in my opinion ugly. He has a teardrop under his eye. Kay has a big one on her chest and neck that looks awful and she is a beautiful woman. in my opinion it distracts from her attractiveness. She also dyes her hair goofy, green, biue etc. Her hair is a naturally beautiful shiny dark brown with highlights. She has a natural beauty that she hides.

    Our problem kids often are their own worst enemies and do not understand that massive tattooing and face piercing can cost you many good jobs. If you are in the arts, no problem. But in a regular office with good income you won't see this often.

    I agree that appearance is important. I don't mean beauty. i mean how you present yourself. At least for work. Kay feels you should not be judged by how you look. But you are.

    I wonder how many of our troubled kids throw out further roadblocks to sustainable work by too many tattoos and face piercing and pink hair. I would bet too many.

    God bless them. May they see they are their own worst enemies.

    Question: where do our broke kids scrape together $500? In Kay and Lee's cases they probably sell drugs or shoplift from stores or people and use eBay. They certainly don't have spare hundreds lying around from Lee's pizza delivery job. I know they grow and sell weed, but it wouldn't shock me if they sell other drugs too. And Kay steals or used to.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2019
  14. AS didn't go to er or urgent care for his eye/face. From the pics it looks bad. Told him it is his decision.
    He had asked me for an Uber ecard so he could get to some meetings since he doesn't drive.... I guess that went to a waste now.. I asked him if he received it and got now reply. Feeling he used it for ubereats instead.
    A few weeks ago he started asking me to send target ecards since he can walk there and get groceries .... I don't want to do that anymore because they sell beer there.
    I know my help is just making it worse but it is so hard. It feels like "well $30 isn't too much of help" but yet I guess it is.
  15. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    If he has low income he qualifies for Food Share. I would not send him cash. Ever. Nor is he old like us. And sisme of us still walk or ride bikes. Why cant he walk? I would buy a used bike too. Or maybe a cheap newer one.

    At any rate, I will buy food for Jaden and drop it off (have in the past and its four hours away) but not give money to Kay abd Lee. I tell them to get Food Share and they should. We have spent enough on their basic needs that they can get assistance. Food Share will not pay for alcohol or cigarettes. That's why they don't want it. So we are giving them money for these things if we send cash or even gift cards. Food Share buys food.

    I am a slow learner but done. I know there are free places to eat too around Kay. And food pantries. You can even get take out food at one place.

    Our kids tend to be lazy and if they are like Kay they are also strangely proud and don't like to take freebies. But they have NO problem making us poor or taking from us.

    I am so done with this.

    Anyhow, God bless you. It is hard to be rational when its our child but it can happen.. i never dreamed I could do this but I am. If I can, anyone can.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry you are agonizing over your son's addition and choices. We all do or have done it.

    You have gotten good advice and compassion from others. If it were my son I would just suggest that he pray for strength to beat his addiction. I know he would get mad but I would do that anyway. My son could not get better on his own. It's like their in the whirl of a drain going downward. They are so beat down by their own behaviors they don't see any way out. They know it and they hate themselves for it.

    How can we fix it? The truth is we cannot and that is the hardest part of all. I dealt with this myself for almost 7 years. My husband and I had to accept that he could die and that isn't easy for a parent to accept either.

    There really is no right answer in this. There is no way out for us as parents to ease our suffering. We suffer with them, that is for sure. When I think of it all I can cry on a dime even though I feel the worst is behind us.

    My son did get better only by being in the faith based program and we were fortunate that we made that his ONLY choice if he wanted to be in our lives. I am thankful every day that we were in a position to do that. I know that isn't possible for all of us here but our son wanted to be in our lives and he knew that the only way was for him to complete that program. He fought like hell. That is the only guidance I can give anyone.

    Hugs and prayers for you and your son.
  17. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I know what you mean about having to be in a serious relationship all the time. Someone in our extended family is the same. The difference is he never misses work because he cares about money too much. He equates his self worth with having a woman. Once she picks up in his depression and insecurities, she leaves. He's a very dysfunctional person who doesn't have the skills to make a relationship work. He needs to just date instead of get involved in a serious relationship. He's the type who proposes after two dates because he's so desperate to latch onto someone. It scares women off. His substance abuse has eased up quite a bit, thankfully.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Our son had hooked up with a girl here who is 27 and has a 7 year old daughter. They had been seeing each other about six months. My son just turned 24. She lives with her father and would come to our house on Saturdays. She did not bring her daughter. My son had only been to her house two times. He was not willing to be a stepdad but did enjoy his "friend's" company. He is a good guy but immature in that way.

    She was very abusive to him in that she demanded he call her within 15 minutes after getting off work and texted constantly. He did this at first to appease her but she became more and more demanding and possessive. He could barely watch the Bears game with his father!! She didn't even like him to refer to his truck as "she looks good; I just washed "her"". She didn't start out acting like that.

    Although she was great when she was at our house and they seemed to have fun together, she was very insecure when they were not together and I did start to see it as abusive, he did not want to be "alone" since he is shy and doesn't really know anyone here to hang out with. He also felt she'd go crazy and possibly do something to his truck which stays in our driveway since husband and I park in the garage. He finally broke up with her last weekend because he said he'd rather be alone than deal with that. She has been bothering him a lot but it's starting to die down. I think she finally realized that she did a lot of things wrong. I'm glad that HE decided it was time to move on!

    I think it's easier for our male "kids" to relate to a female rather than find male friends.
  19. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think he made a mature decision to call it off.
  20. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Gift cards can be sold for cash online and in the streets. They will give you less than the card is worth and that is how they make money on it. When my son was in school , 2 hours away, I did not send him money or gift cards .I would buy him food when I went to visit and that was it. Once in a while I filled up his gas tank which -in retrospect- enabled his drug use and his ability to drive 30 minutes back and forth between campus and the dorms to this girl's apartment where he went daily and smoked pot and who knows what else .