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<blockquote data-quote="So Tired" data-source="post: 177168" data-attributes="member: 4772"><p>I also bore the brunt of difficult child's anger because I would be the one here at home trying to get difficult child to do the things he was supposed to be doing. difficult child is smart and will use the "divide and concur" strategy with you if he can, playing one side against the other. I agree that setting up rules and consequences with SO as a united front is the way to go. Write them up if necessary so there is no wiggle room on interpretation.</p><p> </p><p>My therapist also told me to be less involved,to let my husband handle some of the situations. It was hard to detach, but I really tried hard to change the way I handled difficult child -- like NOT getting involved with argueing points with him, and not saying a word if he was going to be late for work, etc.</p><p>(I realize it was eaiser for me since my difficult child was already 17, and therefore I was less involved in the everyday stuff. Like I stopped bugging him about brushing his teeth -- if they rot out of his head that is going to be his choice. I can't keep harping on a 17 year old about the simplest of hygiene issues) Lo and behold, since I backed away and husband has had to handle more of the issues, difficult child has gone from "Mom's a #&&#37;&*" to "<span style="color: black"><strong>Dad's</strong></span> an @%*$*"!! So I think that they just have the biggest problem with whoever is telling them "no" at the time( basically whoever is being difficult child's conscience). It is nothing personal and <strong>DO NOT</strong> let it make you feel bad about yourself!! </p><p> </p><p>As far as therapist -- maybe she was just trying to get you to detach a little or to approach difficult child differently, but it came out sounding accusitory. It is hard to describe and get someone else to understand the constant battle that living with a difficult child is. They give you these simplistic techniques that seem so logical and they don't understand that difficult child just doesn't operate from a logic platform. When you are dealing with a difficult child on a daily basis you get so worn down you don't even know which way is up anymore!</p><p> </p><p>I wish I had some sage advise to offer -- but I can't only offer my understanding and sympathy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="So Tired, post: 177168, member: 4772"] I also bore the brunt of difficult child's anger because I would be the one here at home trying to get difficult child to do the things he was supposed to be doing. difficult child is smart and will use the "divide and concur" strategy with you if he can, playing one side against the other. I agree that setting up rules and consequences with SO as a united front is the way to go. Write them up if necessary so there is no wiggle room on interpretation. My therapist also told me to be less involved,to let my husband handle some of the situations. It was hard to detach, but I really tried hard to change the way I handled difficult child -- like NOT getting involved with argueing points with him, and not saying a word if he was going to be late for work, etc. (I realize it was eaiser for me since my difficult child was already 17, and therefore I was less involved in the everyday stuff. Like I stopped bugging him about brushing his teeth -- if they rot out of his head that is going to be his choice. I can't keep harping on a 17 year old about the simplest of hygiene issues) Lo and behold, since I backed away and husband has had to handle more of the issues, difficult child has gone from "Mom's a #&%&*" to "[COLOR=black][B]Dad's[/B][/COLOR] an @%*$*"!! So I think that they just have the biggest problem with whoever is telling them "no" at the time( basically whoever is being difficult child's conscience). It is nothing personal and [B]DO NOT[/B] let it make you feel bad about yourself!! As far as therapist -- maybe she was just trying to get you to detach a little or to approach difficult child differently, but it came out sounding accusitory. It is hard to describe and get someone else to understand the constant battle that living with a difficult child is. They give you these simplistic techniques that seem so logical and they don't understand that difficult child just doesn't operate from a logic platform. When you are dealing with a difficult child on a daily basis you get so worn down you don't even know which way is up anymore! I wish I had some sage advise to offer -- but I can't only offer my understanding and sympathy. [/QUOTE]
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