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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 177175" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm with Susie on this. You are a recent change in difficult child's environment and he was definitely a difficult child before you came on the scene. SO has to wear that.</p><p></p><p>husband did something similar to me once. It wasn't done out of a desire to "put me in my place" nor was he doing it to be mean. He was just being "a bloke" and trying to maintain the appearance of a man in charge of his own life and family, but SOMETHING is wrong and we've got to work out what it is so we can fix it.</p><p></p><p>This particular therapist - what is it about the guy that had SO scrambling to be seen as a man in control? Was the therapist the sort of bloke that SO would see as a rival in any way? Someone he felt he needed to impress? Because that's how this reads to me; SO was trying to impress at all costs (almost at an instinctive level) instead of staying focussed on the task in hand - getting REAL answers for difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I suspect this kind of ineffectual easily distracted response to counselling and therapy has perhaps been a common feature of SO's involvement in the past, with difficult child's care. He's happiest with the quick answer, the easy answer, the "let's get this over with and out of here" answer. Which tells me that you being the "fall guy", the one who takes on the lions share of the day-to-day management of difficult child is no coincidence. For pete's sake, he's SO's kid! So how come SO gets away with leaving you to handle everything? </p><p></p><p>What husband did - he'd been feeling tired and wrung out for weeks, months even. It had been on and off previously too and he kept complaining to me about it. I finally said, "If you feel that bad, don't just complain to me - go see a doctor!" (cost in Australia to see a doctor is minimal to nothing).</p><p>husband said to me, "OK - will you set up the appointment for me please?"</p><p></p><p>So I did.</p><p></p><p>Day of the appointment. husband is still feeling wrung out and tired. We go down to the doctor. husband asks me to come in with him (we both often go to each other's appointments). We sit down opposite the doctor who says, "Now what seems to be the problem?"</p><p>husband says, "I don't really know why I'm here; she MADE me come see you."</p><p></p><p>I tore strips off him later and told him next time he wanted to see the doctor, he could make his own darned appointments. husband was profusely apologetic; he says now (and I believe him) that he simply couldn't remember why we were there, his symptoms were so vague.</p><p></p><p>So in SO's case - it's possible that he isn't as much in touch with the problems of difficult child as you are (because you are so much more on the spot) and possibly feels a need to seem more involved at least to the therapist, hence agreeing and finding the "evidence" for this makes him feel more justified. Plus there could be the "bloke" thing of needing to seem in control with his finger on the crux of the problem.</p><p></p><p>I'd be tearing strips off him.</p><p></p><p>But before you get TOO upset with the therapist, there is one very strong point in his favour - if you ARE the one on the spot so much then OF COURSE you're going to seem the ogre. Just think of the movie "Mrs Doubtfire", especially in the beginning. SOMEONE has to set the rules and enforce them. OK, maybe SO isn't as undisciplined and undermining as the character of Daniel, but you could be still having to cope with a degree of this. And he DID undermine you with the therapist. A lot of the stuff he mentioned in support of the therapist's point of view was pure trash. The opinion of one person, whose opinions seem to change with the wind direction anyway, shouldn't be considered.</p><p></p><p>The trouble is, if you're being painted as a controlling harridan then standing up and walking out, or turning to SO and saying to him, "Stand up for me and be a man, you wimp!" isn't exactly going to convince the therapist that you aren't the problem he believes.</p><p></p><p>It's the person on the spot who tend to bear the brunt of difficult child hostility. I'd be saying to SO, "Darling, since he's YOUR child, and since the therapist feels that I'm too much the one at the coalface and therefore responsible for this hostility we're getting from difficult child, I am going to do you all a big favour; I am going to totally detach and leave ALL the parenting up to you. From now on, YOU are the enforcer of rules. You and I still need to agree on the rules because this is OUR house, we are a team. But YOUR child now needs YOU. Because I am going to continue to help in the background I have typed up a list of the rules so you have a ready reckoner. So off you go, honey - remember, I'm behind you, all the way. A long way behind you."</p><p>[and do not remind him that to stab someone in the back, you first have to get behind him]</p><p></p><p>Without the sarcasm, husband & I have had to agree to similar tactics (in reverse). difficult child 3 too often sees husband as the enemy, because husband can be very abrupt and has been very stern and strict in the past, often demanding instant compliance when as we all know, that is NOT a good idea with autism. So as a result, difficult child 3 tends to react to husband with more hostility, when husband asks him to do something like take out the garbage.</p><p>So husband will quietly say to me, "X task needs to be done. difficult child 3 will make a huge fuss if I ask; will you ask him please?"</p><p>And I do. It works that way for us.</p><p>But a very important aspect of this - we support each other, to difficult child 3 we always present a united front.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. I really do think you need to persuade SO to be the stay-at-home parent while you go out to work full-time. Even if you only leave him fully in charge for a weekend, SO needs to have THE LOT dumped in his lap.</p><p></p><p>Go book yourself into a spa somewhere. And leave your mobile phone turned off for the entire weekend.</p><p></p><p>Enjoy. You deserve it.</p><p></p><p>So does he.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 177175, member: 1991"] I'm with Susie on this. You are a recent change in difficult child's environment and he was definitely a difficult child before you came on the scene. SO has to wear that. husband did something similar to me once. It wasn't done out of a desire to "put me in my place" nor was he doing it to be mean. He was just being "a bloke" and trying to maintain the appearance of a man in charge of his own life and family, but SOMETHING is wrong and we've got to work out what it is so we can fix it. This particular therapist - what is it about the guy that had SO scrambling to be seen as a man in control? Was the therapist the sort of bloke that SO would see as a rival in any way? Someone he felt he needed to impress? Because that's how this reads to me; SO was trying to impress at all costs (almost at an instinctive level) instead of staying focussed on the task in hand - getting REAL answers for difficult child. I suspect this kind of ineffectual easily distracted response to counselling and therapy has perhaps been a common feature of SO's involvement in the past, with difficult child's care. He's happiest with the quick answer, the easy answer, the "let's get this over with and out of here" answer. Which tells me that you being the "fall guy", the one who takes on the lions share of the day-to-day management of difficult child is no coincidence. For pete's sake, he's SO's kid! So how come SO gets away with leaving you to handle everything? What husband did - he'd been feeling tired and wrung out for weeks, months even. It had been on and off previously too and he kept complaining to me about it. I finally said, "If you feel that bad, don't just complain to me - go see a doctor!" (cost in Australia to see a doctor is minimal to nothing). husband said to me, "OK - will you set up the appointment for me please?" So I did. Day of the appointment. husband is still feeling wrung out and tired. We go down to the doctor. husband asks me to come in with him (we both often go to each other's appointments). We sit down opposite the doctor who says, "Now what seems to be the problem?" husband says, "I don't really know why I'm here; she MADE me come see you." I tore strips off him later and told him next time he wanted to see the doctor, he could make his own darned appointments. husband was profusely apologetic; he says now (and I believe him) that he simply couldn't remember why we were there, his symptoms were so vague. So in SO's case - it's possible that he isn't as much in touch with the problems of difficult child as you are (because you are so much more on the spot) and possibly feels a need to seem more involved at least to the therapist, hence agreeing and finding the "evidence" for this makes him feel more justified. Plus there could be the "bloke" thing of needing to seem in control with his finger on the crux of the problem. I'd be tearing strips off him. But before you get TOO upset with the therapist, there is one very strong point in his favour - if you ARE the one on the spot so much then OF COURSE you're going to seem the ogre. Just think of the movie "Mrs Doubtfire", especially in the beginning. SOMEONE has to set the rules and enforce them. OK, maybe SO isn't as undisciplined and undermining as the character of Daniel, but you could be still having to cope with a degree of this. And he DID undermine you with the therapist. A lot of the stuff he mentioned in support of the therapist's point of view was pure trash. The opinion of one person, whose opinions seem to change with the wind direction anyway, shouldn't be considered. The trouble is, if you're being painted as a controlling harridan then standing up and walking out, or turning to SO and saying to him, "Stand up for me and be a man, you wimp!" isn't exactly going to convince the therapist that you aren't the problem he believes. It's the person on the spot who tend to bear the brunt of difficult child hostility. I'd be saying to SO, "Darling, since he's YOUR child, and since the therapist feels that I'm too much the one at the coalface and therefore responsible for this hostility we're getting from difficult child, I am going to do you all a big favour; I am going to totally detach and leave ALL the parenting up to you. From now on, YOU are the enforcer of rules. You and I still need to agree on the rules because this is OUR house, we are a team. But YOUR child now needs YOU. Because I am going to continue to help in the background I have typed up a list of the rules so you have a ready reckoner. So off you go, honey - remember, I'm behind you, all the way. A long way behind you." [and do not remind him that to stab someone in the back, you first have to get behind him] Without the sarcasm, husband & I have had to agree to similar tactics (in reverse). difficult child 3 too often sees husband as the enemy, because husband can be very abrupt and has been very stern and strict in the past, often demanding instant compliance when as we all know, that is NOT a good idea with autism. So as a result, difficult child 3 tends to react to husband with more hostility, when husband asks him to do something like take out the garbage. So husband will quietly say to me, "X task needs to be done. difficult child 3 will make a huge fuss if I ask; will you ask him please?" And I do. It works that way for us. But a very important aspect of this - we support each other, to difficult child 3 we always present a united front. Good luck with this one. I really do think you need to persuade SO to be the stay-at-home parent while you go out to work full-time. Even if you only leave him fully in charge for a weekend, SO needs to have THE LOT dumped in his lap. Go book yourself into a spa somewhere. And leave your mobile phone turned off for the entire weekend. Enjoy. You deserve it. So does he. Marg [/QUOTE]
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