Need some sort of comfort this second...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    from those "in the know."

    Usually I'm able to keep my chin up. Over the years, even without the help of family, I have pieced together my own personal support system.

    difficult child has moved several times over the last several months. All sorts of weird stuff...mostly involving her difficult friends causing problems and difficult child not being able to handle it. Landlords kick her out. husband has handled most of this stuff. But it is time consuming and costly.

    Last place, difficult child found on her own. She negotiated the lease and made all the arrangements ahead of time. husband came in last minute and moved her. It was almost easy.

    The best part of all was the price...fits within the budget for once. Also, close. It is a garage apartment. We were NOT happy with the stuff leading up to the situation...but saw some silver lining here. AND difficult child is no longer inviting the trouble makers to her new place...its been quiet.

    She's been there about six weeks. We went out of town this weekend...come home last night AND

    difficult child says she wants to move. Insists on it. She wants to move ACROSS town to a bad part of town cause her girlfriend wants to live with her on the weekends and it is near where the friend works. This area is known for crime of all sorts.

    She (girlfriend) says she will contribute a little...etc.... (until they have a fight or girlfriend loses her guys know the story).

    There are too many problems here to even begin. difficult child is making NO SENSE. We have spoken to her. Son has spoken to her. I have tried to call her...she wont call back.

    We are tired, frustrated, concerned....

    In addition, I have a friend with a sister who is similar to my difficult child. She revealed to me last night that her sister was homeless for ten years and nearly lost her life due to impulsive behaviors before she came to her senses. Today, she works PT and is on disability and does well.

    However....ten years! Nearly losing her life!

    I'm in mood that I can't even describe and I have a lot of work to do. I WILL force myself to do it...but if anyone has a kind word to help me through this, I would appreciate it.

    Thank you.
  2. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Just tell her NO - you are not helping this time - just because its a stupid idea. And remind her since she signed a lease they are not as easy to get out of as a month to month, and let her deal with it herself.

  3. Irene_J

    Irene_J Member

    I certainly have kind thoughts for you, but no advice. I'm only one impulsive decision by difficult child away from what you are experiencing.

    The one thing you do have control over is assisting her in her move. Just don't do it. Like alot of our kids, they are great at thinking up stuff, but not so great at implementation.

    What is it about our difficult children that they gravitate toward the worst areas of the city? I worked long hours and suffered long commutes to keep us in a middle class neighborhood with a low crime rate. I was literally frightened sometimes when I had to try to find my difficult child in high crime neighborhoods after she skipped school or after finally picking her up after being away for days and having no more couches to sleep on.

    It's so hard when we know they are making a poor decision and we have to stand by and watch the train wreck. Live in the moment; without assistance it may not happen.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Nomad. It's so frustrating. If she "insists" then she can handle it. It sounds like she needs to be reminded that she signed a lease and hopefully that will cool her heels a bit.

    I hope you have a fun distraction scheduled for this afternoon to distract you from her gfgness.

  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you. Still NOT doing well...might have to call my therapist.
    I'm working....just at a slow pace.
    My heart is heavy. It's amazing (you all know this one).
    You can be fine and then hear some of this insanity (for the upsteenth time) and feel like you have fallen off a cliff.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Here's a rope for you to catch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    As was said, you can't stop her if she's bound and determined. You can refuse to help her move. She may quickly change her mind when she finds out the cost of getting out of a lease.

    For now, some hugs. I truly hate the stupid decisions some of our kids are bound and determined to make and implement.

    (Think of it this way -- at least yours let's you know what is going on. I'm stuck finding things out on the fly.)
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Nomad. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

    Remember, your friend's difficult child is just one story of a difficult child. There are others who took less time; and followed less threatening paths. Others have taken longer. Your difficult child's story may not turn out like your friend's. And even if it does, there's nothing you can do to stop it.

    I try not to think too hard about my difficult children and their futures. I try to focus on the here and now, and what I can do that will help them along the path to productive citizenship. Sometimes that action is step back and let them fall, and pray that the powers that be are doing what they're supposed to be doing.

    If nothing else happens along this journey, because of my difficult child's, there are more people aware of their situation and conditions. Education has happened. Its not been for naught.

    Many hugs.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Lots of hugs to you. Like Irene_J, we're one impulsive decision away from this as well.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    That heavy heartedness you feel? It's almost like drowning to me. The pressure and heaviness are so crushing and at the last minute for so many times you seem to find the strength or courage to pull your own bootstraps up and continue on; but then there is that one time - that you think I don't care, I'm letting go.

    Sometimes I day dream about what it would be like to just really let go and see what would happen when I did. I want that power, I want that ability to foresee just that part of a my future. NOT for everything. Just to see what would happen if I let go of my kid and allowed ALL the natural consequences to happen. I want to see if it would change his life/ my life - everyone involved with him.

    Would it be positive, would it be negative - I would have the power to stop natural consequences from snowballing because most of us are SURE they will if we don't interfere. I am positive if I didn't step in on some of Dude's interventions - the system would have him totally beaten down. And I would know that he was ultimately in jail - but that would be the end of my interventions - there would be nothing more I could do.

    Do not believe for a moment you are the only Mom wondering all those What IF I didn't - What IF I do's? But at some point you have got to ask yourself, when to I step out of this picture? When is it going to be more beneficial for my health, and my husband, and my sanity - to just let go and whatever happens happen. At what point to you stop torturing yourself with all the "IF she does this I am sure XYZ would happen and some of that XYZ is very bad in our minds - very bad."

    I guess it's a balancing game of knowledge, heart, vs. detachment for our own good. I wouldn't begin to tell anyone else where that point is, or what that balance is. I can only tell you - you are not in the boat alone. I hope you find some comfort in that.

  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nomad, I walk along the same sort of path as you. One minute there seems to be a silver lining and then they shoot themselves in the foot.
    Just because she wants it doesn't mean you are all going to jump at helping her. If she makes a stupid move despite the advice she has gotten then you have to be clear that no one will bail her out. Remind her that she is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
    Heck even easy child's make stupid decisions at this age.
    Refuse to move furniture or even one suitcase of clothes. She will have to do it herself. Carrying a bed up and down steps doesn't seem like something she is inclined to do.
    She isn't going to be homeless. You won't let it happen. I won't let it happen to my difficult child. Unfortunately, the alternative is not appealing to me or not appealing to difficult child.
    What ever happens, it won't be the end of the world. Take a breath. Put difficult child on the back burner and do what work you have to do. Letting their schemes and shenanigans take up too much of your thinking power is crazy. I just try to shut the door on it unless I need to do something. Hang in there. I know that feeling of despair is easy to over take me too.
  11. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    My heart goes out to you and as the others have said you are not alone feeling this way.

    I don't know your difficult child's history but from what I've read it seems perfectly logical for you & husband to just say you do not feel that move is in her best interest, won't be helping that to take place and seriously advise against it. Mabe she'll listen; maybe she won't but it will be her decision.

    Hang in there - things will look up.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm not full of advice today. But I do want you to know I'm thinking about you and praying for you. I do my best not to think too far into the future with either difficult child. It tends to scare the **** out of me, if you know what I mean.

    Many warm ((((hugs))))
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you everyone.
    Mostly good news!
    difficult child has decided not to move.
    The reason? She secretly wanted to make the move to be near two friends. This second person may end up moving back to this end of town in one or two months. Even difficult child sees the irony in that. Anyway, at least this is the story she is presenting. IT's not exactly the reason I wanted for her to change her mind...but I'll take what I can get. by the way...we had told her if she were to move, we would NOT help her in any way, shape or form.
  14. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I'm getting to this late but I just wanted to offer some support. It sounds like it may work itself out. The one thing I've learned from my difficult children is not to get all upset everytime they come up with a stupid idea (I'd be upset most of the time) because a lot of times it doesn't come to pass. Here's hoping she will stay where she is for awhile.
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Yeah!!!! Glad she made the right decision even if for all the wrong reasons. Try to remind her that even if her friends are at the other end of town, they're still within visiting distance. You don't have to move to be with your friends. Convenience is a nice thing, but a nice place to stay that is safe, has "your" touches for decor, is a place that has your rules is hard to replace.
  16. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    When I was about 19, I moved into a garage apartment in a bad part of town. was $90/month. I'm sure my parents were cringing at the thought. But, it was a humbling experience, just shy of being homeless. It gave me a reason to work harder and have something better.

    Chin up...sounds like difficult child made a good choice.

  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    LOL! Abbey...she as already in a garage apartment in the FIRST place. We put her in it. Were we live, some of these are even a little expensive. This place (the garage apartment) was reasonable price wise and is the first place she has been in that hasn't cost too much. It is within her budget plus the folks around her are nice. She wanted to dump all of this for a more expensive place in a bad part of town.

    Yep (crossing myself), for some reason she made a better choice.

    Since I have an older child, I understand the concept of kids learning from their bad choices. With a difficult child, it is not clear at all if this is the case. It is sometimes a really bad choice, with really bad consequences, until something "gives," and then when things lighten up a bit...they are liable to turn around and make the exact same mistake again. In my view...this is the super duper frustrating part of it all. A parent can bite the bullet if they understand there is a good chance the child will learn, but if they also see that it is unclear that they will learn and in fact there might be a higher probability that they wont learn..just run the risk of great is sometimes unclear and frustrating as to what to do or how to "process" the entire experience.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I hope it all works out for her in the end. It is painful to watch the fallout of a child that is making possibly wrong choices. You want to rescue...but they need to survive on their own. Everyone has their own limit on what they can tolerate. You have to make that decision for yourself.

    I wish you all the best.