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<blockquote data-quote="Rachielee" data-source="post: 490440" data-attributes="member: 13435"><p>Arb,</p><p></p><p>I am sooo sorry you going thru what you are....my prayers are with you and heart goes out to you. Now that I am a step-parent to an extremely difficult 11 year old, and struggling right now myself, I completely understand. I just wanted to share something with you......</p><p></p><p>I was once one of the "extremely" difficult kids myself...started around the age of 13. Although I never forged checks or got caught up in drugs (although I did try a few once and only once), I was defiant and gave my parents hell. I had no gain in disobeying, really am not sure why I did it actually....just got caught up in the wrong crowd of folks and followed. I wouldn't buckle regardless of what my parents took away or grounded me from. I can tell you this.....tough love is the best thing you can do for both of you. I was on the American Association of Psychiatry (or something along those lines) the other day and read "feel sorry for yourself on your time, not on your child's time". That stuck me and have pondered the hek out of that statement. How true it is!! We, as parents, love our children so very much and absolutely want the very best for them, so when we see them failing miserably and we know the path they are traveling and the consequences of continuing to travel that path, of course we want to protect them, we want to believe that there is something we can do and they will magically get it and turn it all around. When it comes to behavior disorders and a will not willing to change it or even try, finally facing the fact that "protecting" them is only enabling them to continue on the path they are traveling. We can threaten this, that and the other, but if we don't follow through on what we say words from our mouths mean nothing to them. I say that from experience......my parents did it to me. Finally, they got me involved in a program through Social Services called "The Tough Love Program". It saved me and to this day, my social worker was my angel sent from above......she was the only one who could get through to me. I had a fabulous life, wonderful parents, wasn't spoiled by any means but had all I needed and wanted within reason. I was raised with a solid work ethic, yada, yada, yada....had no reason to do the things I did to my parents, especially my mother. I know the day I got sent to jail for breaking my "contract" I had to sign being in the program, that day I believe sucked the life right out of my parents......it brings tears to my eyes now because I know how they felt as I am dealing with an extremely tough situation myself. BUT.....had they not done that, had they not stuck to their guns, I cannot honestly tell you I would be where I am today or even if I would be alive. They saved me but sucking up their hurt and doing what they knew they had to do. They were my parents....not my friend and praise Jesus for that! So many parents today feel as though they have to be a friend first.....thats the first mistake to many that will follow. I know you are in a living hell right now, probably don't sleep well with constant worry about your babygirl, but you've gotta get tough, quit blaming yourself and just make sure she hears you say "I love you". She will get ******, hateful and a million other emotions will fill her heart, but hopefully she will get that you are not the stomping mat, you DO LOVE HER and this is the next step you HAVE TO TAKE to protect her. After I did my 1 month in jail and went to court ..... the judge then sent me to a foster home ~ That about killed me cuz I wanted my mommy, my daddy and brothers......praise God for the judge!!! That was the topping to me getting it together!! I did it to myself....I may not have realized that right away and it took me awhile to apologize to my parents and tell them how very sorry I was, but after my stay in that foster home, let me tell ya' RESPECT was top on my list and I was a new person. Again, my heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and will continue to do so....I hurt for you cuz I know what I hurt I caused my parents many years ago.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to share my story in hopes of helping you through this......tough love is the best protection you can give to your babygirl. You are loved!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Rachielee, post: 490440, member: 13435"] Arb, I am sooo sorry you going thru what you are....my prayers are with you and heart goes out to you. Now that I am a step-parent to an extremely difficult 11 year old, and struggling right now myself, I completely understand. I just wanted to share something with you...... I was once one of the "extremely" difficult kids myself...started around the age of 13. Although I never forged checks or got caught up in drugs (although I did try a few once and only once), I was defiant and gave my parents hell. I had no gain in disobeying, really am not sure why I did it actually....just got caught up in the wrong crowd of folks and followed. I wouldn't buckle regardless of what my parents took away or grounded me from. I can tell you this.....tough love is the best thing you can do for both of you. I was on the American Association of Psychiatry (or something along those lines) the other day and read "feel sorry for yourself on your time, not on your child's time". That stuck me and have pondered the hek out of that statement. How true it is!! We, as parents, love our children so very much and absolutely want the very best for them, so when we see them failing miserably and we know the path they are traveling and the consequences of continuing to travel that path, of course we want to protect them, we want to believe that there is something we can do and they will magically get it and turn it all around. When it comes to behavior disorders and a will not willing to change it or even try, finally facing the fact that "protecting" them is only enabling them to continue on the path they are traveling. We can threaten this, that and the other, but if we don't follow through on what we say words from our mouths mean nothing to them. I say that from experience......my parents did it to me. Finally, they got me involved in a program through Social Services called "The Tough Love Program". It saved me and to this day, my social worker was my angel sent from above......she was the only one who could get through to me. I had a fabulous life, wonderful parents, wasn't spoiled by any means but had all I needed and wanted within reason. I was raised with a solid work ethic, yada, yada, yada....had no reason to do the things I did to my parents, especially my mother. I know the day I got sent to jail for breaking my "contract" I had to sign being in the program, that day I believe sucked the life right out of my parents......it brings tears to my eyes now because I know how they felt as I am dealing with an extremely tough situation myself. BUT.....had they not done that, had they not stuck to their guns, I cannot honestly tell you I would be where I am today or even if I would be alive. They saved me but sucking up their hurt and doing what they knew they had to do. They were my parents....not my friend and praise Jesus for that! So many parents today feel as though they have to be a friend first.....thats the first mistake to many that will follow. I know you are in a living hell right now, probably don't sleep well with constant worry about your babygirl, but you've gotta get tough, quit blaming yourself and just make sure she hears you say "I love you". She will get ******, hateful and a million other emotions will fill her heart, but hopefully she will get that you are not the stomping mat, you DO LOVE HER and this is the next step you HAVE TO TAKE to protect her. After I did my 1 month in jail and went to court ..... the judge then sent me to a foster home ~ That about killed me cuz I wanted my mommy, my daddy and brothers......praise God for the judge!!! That was the topping to me getting it together!! I did it to myself....I may not have realized that right away and it took me awhile to apologize to my parents and tell them how very sorry I was, but after my stay in that foster home, let me tell ya' RESPECT was top on my list and I was a new person. Again, my heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and will continue to do so....I hurt for you cuz I know what I hurt I caused my parents many years ago. I just wanted to share my story in hopes of helping you through this......tough love is the best protection you can give to your babygirl. You are loved!! [/QUOTE]
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