need support and maybe help

[arb53]

My daughter who is 17 nearly 18 diagnosed ADD and Mood Disorder has been having increasing problems since it all started at age 14. Rather than give the who sordid details, I will just get to the lastest which is that she has been forging checks under my name for the last week from my checking account. So far she has given herself over $1000 for "Christmas". She constantly lies and steals and is disrespectul, and threatens me if I try to make her do something she doesnt want to do or stop her from doing she wants to do. I almost dont recognize her anymore. At the same time I love her so much it is killing me to know I have no choice but to turn her into the police.
She had so much potential - I have given her multiple chances and excuses. I have prayed, I have gone to counselors and support groups. I have sent her to doctors and therapists. Nothing seems to have slowed the progression down. I dont know if she is using drugs but I would not be surprised anymore about anything. She will probably be charged of Grand Larceny and go to state penn for who knows how long. I wanted to get her into some type of treatment center or group home but it seems that there is no help out there for her or me and I am having to do all the looking. All the money I had in savings is now gone. Everywhere I go it seems to come to a dead end. Everyone says to turn her in. I guess they are all right in this . My heart is broken.

 

[Signorina]

{{{hugs}}}

Turn her in. I've learned it's called tough love because it's tough on US.

You've tried EVERYTHING you can. This is bigger than you and the resources you have available. You need bigger guns-and that is court-ordered help. If it makes you feel better, it's very unlikely she will end up in the state penn- but the thought that she *could* may get through to her. I am so sorry you are going through this. You may want to cross post on Parents Emeritus since your daughter is acting so independently. Plenty of us there are in exactly the same shoes and you will find good advice.

Until then - stay strong and be good to yourself.

 

[buddy]

wow, sounds like you know what you need to do but it breaks our hearts to have to take that one extra step that makes it all very real. Not my same situaiton but I have been at decision points to call 911 that I sure did not want to have to do.

So, sounds like she is seriously using, right? Again, not my area, but I have been around it....sometimes forcing this thru the law is the only way to get the ball rolling. Doesn't guarantee anything, but until she is clean you might not know if she is willing to do the work. I know people say they must hit a personal rock bottom, and certainly there has to be self motivation to work a program, but sometimes there has to be a push toward that rock bottom......

and, is your account protected if you do not report it??? That amount of money would ruin me.

 

[Signorina]

Hi again Arb-I find strength in these 10 commandments. I know your daughter isn't quite an adult-but thought I'd share;

Parents "Ten Commandments" for Breaking the Enabling Cycle

If you're enabling your adult child, Allison Bottke's "ten commandments" could help you break that negative pattern.

1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.
2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child.
3. You shall not accept excuses.
4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so.
6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.
7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your HP.
9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.
10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY:

S = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
A = Assemble a support group
N = Nip excuses in the bud
I = Implement boundaries
T = Trust your instincts
Y = Yield everything to God.

Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke.

 

[arb53]

Thank you all who replied. I went to the bank and spoke to one of the bankers with intention to turn her in. Funny thing was in the end the banker didnt really hear what I was wanting to do even when I told her what she had done and I wanted to file a report. But did make some changes on my account. It was a baby step but I felt more calm than i have in a while. So next time I go I will look for a little older banker ( this one was probably in his late twenties or early 30s at the most. ) At least I am going in the right direction. When I got home she was there - and some "friends" I never saw before. I told her her friends couldnt be there when I'm not home. Also told her she would have to find her own way to work since she wanted to be on her own now. She said "I never said that" She left for work and I feel a little sad and lost. She used to be my baby.
Thanks for the comandments I am going to print it off and share with my support group. It is going to be really really hard for me. I am the one who always is trying to make people happy.

 

[toughlovin]

Arb,

I have definitely been there and definitely know those feelings of being lost and sad.... it is just plain heartbreaking to go through this and to have your daughter stealing from you like that. So I would definitely suspect drug use.... her going to that extent to steal money and that much definitely is a huge red flag for drug use. The other changes in her behavior are probably related to drug use as well.

I think people who have not been there often do not understand how you as a parent could think of turning her in or bringing charges (I am thinking of the bank person). I mean we as parents want to protect our kids from harm and that often leads us to protecting them from the legal system.

However at this point given her behavior the best thing you can do is have her face some consequences now while she is still young and the court system is more forgiving. I don't know where you live but at least here (and I suspect most places) the courts lean towards trying to get a kid help vs just locking them up... that becomes less and less true as people get older and more charges against them. So I highly doubt she would do jail time and you as the victim would have some input in what you wanted to see happen. So hopefully facing some charges would scare her enough to look at what she is doing....and she also needs to get the message that you won't put up with being misused and abused by her.

I have not had to bring charges against my son but he himself has been arrested several times and he is only 20. I did have to kick him out of the house when he was 18 and i did end up going to the police to help me with that. As worrisome as him having a record (including a felony) is, the threat of jail (and he spent 2 weeks in jail at one point so now knows what jail is like) is something that has helped him seek help.

Your daughter is young and is out of control and I think at this point, you by yourself are powerless to stop it. That is a fallacy that many people have, that somehow as parents we can control what our late teenage or young adult children do. We can't.... and it is where they systems need to get invovled to help. The court system, as imperfect as it is, is one of those systems.

Hugs... and I agree come over to PE.... there are several of us who have been in your shoes, or who are still in your shoes.

TL

 

[DDD]

Sending caring and supportive thoughts and hugs. None of us ever thought we would travel this difficult road but...it is what it is. Take care of yourself and try to detach a little. It's hard but very necessary. DDD

 

[exhausted]

ARB, I'm sorry you are going through the things you are with your girl. I know how you feel. I too have a 17 year old who has put us through pure hell. She also forged a check. We found out about it the morning before she was to appear before a judge for pushing us as she tried to leave home. She has been in 2 residential treatments, therapy since age 13 ,when problems began. She has had sooo many diagnosis it's unbelievable-including ADHD, mood disorder, emerging borderline personality disorder, blah, blah.

We did press charges and the bank gave us back our money. We did accept the plea down to a less serious charge which was a good thing. Only felonies come up on a background check for juveniles in this state. She would not have been able to get the job she now has with a felony. We were able to get the state to put her in the second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when we went before a judge. We had a good JJS worker. In this state they can treat juveniles until age 21. You might want to ask about this. We spent unbelievable money on the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 18 months and had no money to help her again. Some kids come out of these places and do well. I think our's learned even worse behaviors, but is now realizing that she has good coping skills she has been taught and she needs to use these rather than continue on the path to self-destruction. Ours was using marijuana-to our knowledge (regular drug testing) nothing else. She used pretty regularly and this does cost money. Stealing is a sign of drug use.

Nothing we have done has really helped-she got worse with both residential treatments. She is just now (4 months out of last treatment center) started to level out. She still is not totally ok but we do know that she has gotten better being home. Some of the therapy is finially helping. Had we not done the things we have done, I believe she would be dead-she did not care about her own life and put herself in all kinds of dangerous situations. Maybe going to see a judge is the only way to get help? It's a difficult decision but she is a minor and she probably wont go for an adult charge.

We have told our daughter that once she hits 18 she will have to move out if she is not working or in school, and following all the rules. We remind her whenever we have an issue so it is crystal clear. We miss our sweet girl too. I have hope that she will return. We see improvement and glimmers of the once darling girl we new. Hang onto hope. Hugs!

 

[Rachielee]

Arb,

I am sooo sorry you going thru what you are....my prayers are with you and heart goes out to you. Now that I am a step-parent to an extremely difficult 11 year old, and struggling right now myself, I completely understand. I just wanted to share something with you......

I was once one of the "extremely" difficult kids myself...started around the age of 13. Although I never forged checks or got caught up in drugs (although I did try a few once and only once), I was defiant and gave my parents hell. I had no gain in disobeying, really am not sure why I did it actually....just got caught up in the wrong crowd of folks and followed. I wouldn't buckle regardless of what my parents took away or grounded me from. I can tell you this.....tough love is the best thing you can do for both of you. I was on the American Association of Psychiatry (or something along those lines) the other day and read "feel sorry for yourself on your time, not on your child's time". That stuck me and have pondered the hek out of that statement. How true it is!! We, as parents, love our children so very much and absolutely want the very best for them, so when we see them failing miserably and we know the path they are traveling and the consequences of continuing to travel that path, of course we want to protect them, we want to believe that there is something we can do and they will magically get it and turn it all around. When it comes to behavior disorders and a will not willing to change it or even try, finally facing the fact that "protecting" them is only enabling them to continue on the path they are traveling. We can threaten this, that and the other, but if we don't follow through on what we say words from our mouths mean nothing to them. I say that from experience......my parents did it to me. Finally, they got me involved in a program through Social Services called "The Tough Love Program". It saved me and to this day, my social worker was my angel sent from above......she was the only one who could get through to me. I had a fabulous life, wonderful parents, wasn't spoiled by any means but had all I needed and wanted within reason. I was raised with a solid work ethic, yada, yada, yada....had no reason to do the things I did to my parents, especially my mother. I know the day I got sent to jail for breaking my "contract" I had to sign being in the program, that day I believe sucked the life right out of my parents......it brings tears to my eyes now because I know how they felt as I am dealing with an extremely tough situation myself. BUT.....had they not done that, had they not stuck to their guns, I cannot honestly tell you I would be where I am today or even if I would be alive. They saved me but sucking up their hurt and doing what they knew they had to do. They were my parents....not my friend and praise Jesus for that! So many parents today feel as though they have to be a friend first.....thats the first mistake to many that will follow. I know you are in a living hell right now, probably don't sleep well with constant worry about your babygirl, but you've gotta get tough, quit blaming yourself and just make sure she hears you say "I love you". She will get ******, hateful and a million other emotions will fill her heart, but hopefully she will get that you are not the stomping mat, you DO LOVE HER and this is the next step you HAVE TO TAKE to protect her. After I did my 1 month in jail and went to court ..... the judge then sent me to a foster home ~ That about killed me cuz I wanted my mommy, my daddy and brothers......praise God for the judge!!! That was the topping to me getting it together!! I did it to myself....I may not have realized that right away and it took me awhile to apologize to my parents and tell them how very sorry I was, but after my stay in that foster home, let me tell ya' RESPECT was top on my list and I was a new person. Again, my heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and will continue to do so....I hurt for you cuz I know what I hurt I caused my parents many years ago.

I just wanted to share my story in hopes of helping you through this......tough love is the best protection you can give to your babygirl. You are loved!!

 

[AmericanGirl]

Rachielee....thanks for your post. I needed to hear it tonight.

 

[exhausted]

Yes thank you for sharing. I needed to hear that as well!

 

[Rachielee]

Hang in there...........I'll be hanging right with ya! Sending butterflies and rainbows your way (just close your eyes and imagine)! LOL It might, if even for a brief moment, put a smile on your face and sweep away from stress. All of you are in my prayers!