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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753208" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't mean to trivialize this. How could I? It could be, and was at one time, me.</p><p></p><p>But this is so transparent, if you are not the one whose toes are stepped on. It's also insolent. You go out of your way to support her in every way, to understand her, and she sets a boundary?</p><p></p><p>Let her set a boundary on all of your support: financial, emotional, social, transportation, etc.</p><p></p><p>It's so, so immature. Which is exactly the point.</p><p></p><p>This is functional on her part. She is not seeking to get a maturity award. She's seeking to mature. She's doing her very best to put into place autonomy and independence. and separation.</p><p></p><p>Do you remember having to learn something new that was technically difficult? And you had to put every other thing on hold as you went through the steps, as you did them, before they became automatic and rote? (Think about a small child that is concentrating on tying shoes or something like that. And how they sometimes are so focused, they will stick out their tongue as they concentrate.) I can barely breathe if I have to do something that requires concentration and manual dexterity, at the same time. This is your daughter right now.</p><p></p><p>Except instead of having to hold her breath while she executes some move or routine that she does not yet know, or have down pat...<u>.she is requiring that you NOT do something.</u> She is requiring that YOU not move. So that she can mature.</p><p></p><p>Why? Because she has you intertwined in her head. And that's the point. She needs to get you to the periphery. In order that the adult her can be front and center.</p><p></p><p>Support her to do this! You can do it! You are already off to such a great start....with the self-awareness that you are repeating a pattern with your own mother:</p><p>Your daughter is not your mother. You don't have to work to get that closeness. It's already there. It will always be there. But that's contingent, I believe, on your supporting her to grow up.</p><p></p><p>All of this that she is doing is developmentally appropriate. This is not about rejection. This is not about pushing you away. This is not about good manners. This is not about reciprocity. She needs to be an intact, separate woman. She's trying.</p><p></p><p>Do you want her to grow up? To be a separate person from you? To function independently? Ask yourself and answer honestly. Then ask yourself, if your actions and your communications and your responses to her, each of them, actually supports her functioning independently as a mature woman. Or, could they be reactive, repetitive and unconscious ways you replicate your relationship with your mother? (Believe me you're not alone here. You are actually at the head of the line, because of your honesty and integrity.) Could you do a moral inventory?</p><p>You can change. What about putting you in the center of your life? In addition to helping your kids (a lot), you do a lot for your healing. What if you are already healed? (I am not commenting here about your recovery.) What if all of what you do for your daughter you begin to do for you? </p><p></p><p>Don't you think this would be a powerful message to her, about her own potential? To be whole. Maybe everything you need is already there. Maybe that's the case for me, too.</p><p></p><p>PS I was waking up each morning either depressed or anxious, or both, which would fade after I got up. I found that with taking magnesium, I did not wake up with these feelings. I did a bit of research and it seems that magnesium helps alleviate depression and anxiety.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753208, member: 18958"] I don't mean to trivialize this. How could I? It could be, and was at one time, me. But this is so transparent, if you are not the one whose toes are stepped on. It's also insolent. You go out of your way to support her in every way, to understand her, and she sets a boundary? Let her set a boundary on all of your support: financial, emotional, social, transportation, etc. It's so, so immature. Which is exactly the point. This is functional on her part. She is not seeking to get a maturity award. She's seeking to mature. She's doing her very best to put into place autonomy and independence. and separation. Do you remember having to learn something new that was technically difficult? And you had to put every other thing on hold as you went through the steps, as you did them, before they became automatic and rote? (Think about a small child that is concentrating on tying shoes or something like that. And how they sometimes are so focused, they will stick out their tongue as they concentrate.) I can barely breathe if I have to do something that requires concentration and manual dexterity, at the same time. This is your daughter right now. Except instead of having to hold her breath while she executes some move or routine that she does not yet know, or have down pat...[U].she is requiring that you NOT do something.[/U] She is requiring that YOU not move. So that she can mature. Why? Because she has you intertwined in her head. And that's the point. She needs to get you to the periphery. In order that the adult her can be front and center. Support her to do this! You can do it! You are already off to such a great start....with the self-awareness that you are repeating a pattern with your own mother: Your daughter is not your mother. You don't have to work to get that closeness. It's already there. It will always be there. But that's contingent, I believe, on your supporting her to grow up. All of this that she is doing is developmentally appropriate. This is not about rejection. This is not about pushing you away. This is not about good manners. This is not about reciprocity. She needs to be an intact, separate woman. She's trying. Do you want her to grow up? To be a separate person from you? To function independently? Ask yourself and answer honestly. Then ask yourself, if your actions and your communications and your responses to her, each of them, actually supports her functioning independently as a mature woman. Or, could they be reactive, repetitive and unconscious ways you replicate your relationship with your mother? (Believe me you're not alone here. You are actually at the head of the line, because of your honesty and integrity.) Could you do a moral inventory? You can change. What about putting you in the center of your life? In addition to helping your kids (a lot), you do a lot for your healing. What if you are already healed? (I am not commenting here about your recovery.) What if all of what you do for your daughter you begin to do for you? Don't you think this would be a powerful message to her, about her own potential? To be whole. Maybe everything you need is already there. Maybe that's the case for me, too. PS I was waking up each morning either depressed or anxious, or both, which would fade after I got up. I found that with taking magnesium, I did not wake up with these feelings. I did a bit of research and it seems that magnesium helps alleviate depression and anxiety. [/QUOTE]
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