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need your advice pls... kid issue/thanksgiving
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 215324" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Normal? Yes, I think so. There will always be a part of me that cares for my exh - simply because we were at one time close enough and hopeful enough to have two children together. Despite his personal destruction of himself and how it related to our eventual break up, he is my children's biological father. And despite the fact that he has only in recent years been a larger part of their life, I know that in his own twisted difficult child way, he loves them. Does he drive me nuts and pis.s me off? Yes. Have I ever laid into him about his actions and other stuff - you bet I have. Do I allow him and his 'stuff' to come between me and my H? NO Absolutely Not. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">The task that your boyfriend has to tackle in therapy is how to put his feelings and respective past relationship with his exw into proper perspective and find a balance in his life without her being the #1 person. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">He needs to come to the realization that just because they have an 18 year history, he doesn't owe her anything, especially when she's behaving badly and interferring in his personal life. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">His life with you is his personal life. How he spends the time he has with his kids is his personal life. How his job is going, what he eats for dinner, and where he spends his holidays and vacation time is part of his personal life. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">I sometimes can spend an hour on the phone with my exh discussing our daughters and then hng up and my H doesn't mind at all (unless dinner is late-lol) because there is no doubt in his head that I am in a life together exclusively with him and my dds and only him & my dds. Exh is not up in our business and I've never allowed him to be. A line was drawn. Yes, exh is in OUR lives for the simple reason that we have children together, but that's it. H and I decide on how much access we allow him into our lives. Several years ago (like 8-9), I laid a few things on the table to exh...he was being a jerk with the girls and their birthdays, I can't even remember it all. But anyway, I was upset and I wrote him a letter. I edited it for 3 days until I was finally satisfied with what I wanted to say. Basically, it spelled out what we have in common - the girls - and nothing else. I told him that despite everything, our focus has to be only on the girls and that if he wasn't in for that 100%, then there would be problems between us forever. He came through. It was then that my exh finally made a life for himself and became his own man - finally, at the age of 38. A transformation of epic proportions was made - in all of us. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">So, your boyfriend needs to be able to acknowledge his exw's place in his heart but then let it go and begin dealing with her as simply the other significant person in his<em> children's</em> lives. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">YOU and his kids are the family he must choose first and foremost in order to be able to be the man he needs to be - the grown up man - and treat you and your family together, with all the kiddos combined as his First Family. His exw comes last as another person in his life with whom he must deal with on occasion. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">She will not change her behavior until he changes his first. As long as she knows she can yank his chain and make him dance the way she wants, she will continue to do so. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">It is up to him to work through this with his therapist so he can move on in a healthy manner. </span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 215324, member: 2211"] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Normal? Yes, I think so. There will always be a part of me that cares for my exh - simply because we were at one time close enough and hopeful enough to have two children together. Despite his personal destruction of himself and how it related to our eventual break up, he is my children's biological father. And despite the fact that he has only in recent years been a larger part of their life, I know that in his own twisted difficult child way, he loves them. Does he drive me nuts and pis.s me off? Yes. Have I ever laid into him about his actions and other stuff - you bet I have. Do I allow him and his 'stuff' to come between me and my H? NO Absolutely Not. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]The task that your boyfriend has to tackle in therapy is how to put his feelings and respective past relationship with his exw into proper perspective and find a balance in his life without her being the #1 person. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]He needs to come to the realization that just because they have an 18 year history, he doesn't owe her anything, especially when she's behaving badly and interferring in his personal life. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]His life with you is his personal life. How he spends the time he has with his kids is his personal life. How his job is going, what he eats for dinner, and where he spends his holidays and vacation time is part of his personal life. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]I sometimes can spend an hour on the phone with my exh discussing our daughters and then hng up and my H doesn't mind at all (unless dinner is late-lol) because there is no doubt in his head that I am in a life together exclusively with him and my dds and only him & my dds. Exh is not up in our business and I've never allowed him to be. A line was drawn. Yes, exh is in OUR lives for the simple reason that we have children together, but that's it. H and I decide on how much access we allow him into our lives. Several years ago (like 8-9), I laid a few things on the table to exh...he was being a jerk with the girls and their birthdays, I can't even remember it all. But anyway, I was upset and I wrote him a letter. I edited it for 3 days until I was finally satisfied with what I wanted to say. Basically, it spelled out what we have in common - the girls - and nothing else. I told him that despite everything, our focus has to be only on the girls and that if he wasn't in for that 100%, then there would be problems between us forever. He came through. It was then that my exh finally made a life for himself and became his own man - finally, at the age of 38. A transformation of epic proportions was made - in all of us. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]So, your boyfriend needs to be able to acknowledge his exw's place in his heart but then let it go and begin dealing with her as simply the other significant person in his[I] children's[/I] lives. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]YOU and his kids are the family he must choose first and foremost in order to be able to be the man he needs to be - the grown up man - and treat you and your family together, with all the kiddos combined as his First Family. His exw comes last as another person in his life with whom he must deal with on occasion. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]She will not change her behavior until he changes his first. As long as she knows she can yank his chain and make him dance the way she wants, she will continue to do so. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic][SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]It is up to him to work through this with his therapist so he can move on in a healthy manner. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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need your advice pls... kid issue/thanksgiving
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