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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 614223" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>in my opinion if he wants more amenities then he needs to get a job and pay for a more expensive situation with them. Years ago I heard something that made real sense, and I try to use it with my own kids now, and even with husband. A son was out of high school, didn't want to go to college, was working when he wanted to at menial labor type jobs, and wanted to live the lifestyle his parents, both of whom had advanced degrees and professional jobs, could afford. He worked a job that was very dangerous and paid min wage. He was told that if he wanted to do that job, then he could go live that lifestyle because his parents were NOT going to pay for him to kill himself. His boss had zero respect for safety regulations even the ones required by law like working seatbelts in the work vehicle, and this was said after the third work accident requiring medical treatment at an ER or urgent care place. Of course there was no health ins benefit for this job, and it was under the table so there was no worker's comp either. His parents got the 'privilege' of paying for the medical treatment without which one mishap alone would likely have resulted in serious impairment of his ability to use his dominant hand. </p><p></p><p>The son freaked when told that if he wanted to work the job then he could go live on his earnings with-o their help/$$, but in my opinion it was well said. </p><p></p><p>If your son wants more, then he needs to earn more. You are providing his needs. You won't be around forever. At some point he MUST take responsibility for providing for himself. Mentally ill or not, he is an adult. You are being very supportive and generous, and in my opinion he needs to do more to find a job and if you provide what he wants with-o making him earn it, then he won't EVER really become independent. He NEEDS to be uncomfortable to grow. If you provide what will make him comfortable, then he will NOT ever grow to be more independent. This is not you being mean, this is LIFE. He is 26. He may need support, but you are giving him enough. I know a LOT of people who would be incredibly grateful for what you are providing, esp the therapy and medications and structured living situation. maybe your son needs to be reminded of this.</p><p></p><p>Mental illness is NOT a reason for others to provide for your every want. It isn't an excuse to be a child forever dependent on parents. It is a challenge to be met, but it is NOT an excuse to cling to childhood or for parents to infantilize you. Yes, as Mom you probably do want him to be happy. But it won't HELP him, or even benefit him. It will make YOU feel better, but it further handicaps HIM. </p><p></p><p>In many cases all the therapy a person iwth mental illness gets is great, but it also gives them powerful tools to manipulate people. Sadly, the most manipulative people in my life are those who are mentally ill. They use a combiination of excuses and things they learn in therapy to keep others entangled with them and to get others to provide for their desires rather than to get a job where they might work and be bored at times. This isnt universal, of course, but for those inclined to manipulate, therapy to treat MI gives real skills and tools to manipulate also. </p><p></p><p>He can work to earn the money for his internet and entertainment, an he can work to earn the privilege to leave the premises or he can work to pay for a place where he does not have these restrictions.</p><p></p><p>his mental health is HIS responsibillity, and it si NOT something you should "svck it up" over. You work HARD, you give him a TON physically, financially and emotionally. If he cannot at least treat his father with respect, then he sure as sugar doesn't need more money from Mommy and Daddy. That, in my opinion, is basic economic reality and if you give him more $$ while he treats his father like koi, then you are not just telling him it is okay to treat Dad like a pile of doodoo, you are asking him to pretty please treat Dad like a steaming pile of doodoo. Basic courtesy, esp when Dad is sending olive branches repeatedly, isn't optional. And lack of basic courtesy should NEVER EVER be rewarded with more privileges. NOT EVER. PERIOD.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 614223, member: 1233"] in my opinion if he wants more amenities then he needs to get a job and pay for a more expensive situation with them. Years ago I heard something that made real sense, and I try to use it with my own kids now, and even with husband. A son was out of high school, didn't want to go to college, was working when he wanted to at menial labor type jobs, and wanted to live the lifestyle his parents, both of whom had advanced degrees and professional jobs, could afford. He worked a job that was very dangerous and paid min wage. He was told that if he wanted to do that job, then he could go live that lifestyle because his parents were NOT going to pay for him to kill himself. His boss had zero respect for safety regulations even the ones required by law like working seatbelts in the work vehicle, and this was said after the third work accident requiring medical treatment at an ER or urgent care place. Of course there was no health ins benefit for this job, and it was under the table so there was no worker's comp either. His parents got the 'privilege' of paying for the medical treatment without which one mishap alone would likely have resulted in serious impairment of his ability to use his dominant hand. The son freaked when told that if he wanted to work the job then he could go live on his earnings with-o their help/$$, but in my opinion it was well said. If your son wants more, then he needs to earn more. You are providing his needs. You won't be around forever. At some point he MUST take responsibility for providing for himself. Mentally ill or not, he is an adult. You are being very supportive and generous, and in my opinion he needs to do more to find a job and if you provide what he wants with-o making him earn it, then he won't EVER really become independent. He NEEDS to be uncomfortable to grow. If you provide what will make him comfortable, then he will NOT ever grow to be more independent. This is not you being mean, this is LIFE. He is 26. He may need support, but you are giving him enough. I know a LOT of people who would be incredibly grateful for what you are providing, esp the therapy and medications and structured living situation. maybe your son needs to be reminded of this. Mental illness is NOT a reason for others to provide for your every want. It isn't an excuse to be a child forever dependent on parents. It is a challenge to be met, but it is NOT an excuse to cling to childhood or for parents to infantilize you. Yes, as Mom you probably do want him to be happy. But it won't HELP him, or even benefit him. It will make YOU feel better, but it further handicaps HIM. In many cases all the therapy a person iwth mental illness gets is great, but it also gives them powerful tools to manipulate people. Sadly, the most manipulative people in my life are those who are mentally ill. They use a combiination of excuses and things they learn in therapy to keep others entangled with them and to get others to provide for their desires rather than to get a job where they might work and be bored at times. This isnt universal, of course, but for those inclined to manipulate, therapy to treat MI gives real skills and tools to manipulate also. He can work to earn the money for his internet and entertainment, an he can work to earn the privilege to leave the premises or he can work to pay for a place where he does not have these restrictions. his mental health is HIS responsibillity, and it si NOT something you should "svck it up" over. You work HARD, you give him a TON physically, financially and emotionally. If he cannot at least treat his father with respect, then he sure as sugar doesn't need more money from Mommy and Daddy. That, in my opinion, is basic economic reality and if you give him more $$ while he treats his father like koi, then you are not just telling him it is okay to treat Dad like a pile of doodoo, you are asking him to pretty please treat Dad like a steaming pile of doodoo. Basic courtesy, esp when Dad is sending olive branches repeatedly, isn't optional. And lack of basic courtesy should NEVER EVER be rewarded with more privileges. NOT EVER. PERIOD. [/QUOTE]
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