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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 69449" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I do think a lot of this is they live in the NOW. They rally have difficulty moving from one minute to the next (task-changing) plus, they feel everything so deeply. Life IS often harder for them in terms of understanding how to adapt to other people and sometimes it's just too hard to try.</p><p></p><p>Don't equate your daughter with your aunt. Your daughter has you to constantly put her pespective in front of her.</p><p></p><p>That said, I found one of the worst things you can do is to try to make light of their woes. If you seem to be belittling their distress, it's as if you're saying, "You have no right to be sad about this," even though it's not what you're saying. But they feel it is, and so will keep pushing the point home that they feel bad, really ,really bad and have never felt worse. NOBODY has ever felt worse.</p><p></p><p>So before the negative superlatives totally overwhelm you, say something like, "I know you are upset that you lost your game, you were really working at it too." Or, "It's difficult, sometimes, when something new comes out and you want it, but we have to choose instead. Making decisions is really difficult sometimes."</p><p></p><p>I've mentioned my favourite fiction author, Terry Pratchett. He is a brilliant, entertaining writer and also incredibly perceptive. In one of his recent books (technically for children, they would enjoy it, but adults love it too) called "Wee Free Men", Pratchett describes a two-year-old child who has difficulty when given too much of what he wants, such as sweeties. His older sister, the heroine of the story, doesn't like him much but he is her brother so she takes care of him.</p><p>Then the toddler is kidnapped by the Fairy Queen (who is not very nice, really) who gives him exactly what he wants - all the sweeties she can conjure up. But the little boy just sits there and cries. It is a phenomenon his sister calls "tragic sweet deprivation", because "the moment he took any sweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was NOT TAKING ALL THE REST. And there were so many sweets HE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT THEM ALL. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burst into tears."</p><p></p><p>The girl's regular solution to this, such as at a birthday party, is "to put a bucket over his head until he calmed down, take almost all of the sweets away. He could deal with a few handfuls at a time."</p><p></p><p>In some ways, the brains of our darlings are no further evolved than this, no matter how smart they may seem in other ways. It's in having to make choices that the internal conflict and despair originates. Repetition then grinds it along deeper brain pathways and we have to work even harder to show them how to find their own sense of perspective.</p><p></p><p>Your aunt never had anyone call her to account on this, or to help her understand. Sounds like she had a very dominant personality and wouldn't have stood for it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>But I have found the starting point is always better if you accept that the child is really upset about whatever-it-is, and from there you can help them find a way out towards a better perspective.</p><p></p><p>And maybe removing a lot of the frills is also a way to go - "tragic sweet deprivation" can be reduced, by reducing choice.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 69449, member: 1991"] I do think a lot of this is they live in the NOW. They rally have difficulty moving from one minute to the next (task-changing) plus, they feel everything so deeply. Life IS often harder for them in terms of understanding how to adapt to other people and sometimes it's just too hard to try. Don't equate your daughter with your aunt. Your daughter has you to constantly put her pespective in front of her. That said, I found one of the worst things you can do is to try to make light of their woes. If you seem to be belittling their distress, it's as if you're saying, "You have no right to be sad about this," even though it's not what you're saying. But they feel it is, and so will keep pushing the point home that they feel bad, really ,really bad and have never felt worse. NOBODY has ever felt worse. So before the negative superlatives totally overwhelm you, say something like, "I know you are upset that you lost your game, you were really working at it too." Or, "It's difficult, sometimes, when something new comes out and you want it, but we have to choose instead. Making decisions is really difficult sometimes." I've mentioned my favourite fiction author, Terry Pratchett. He is a brilliant, entertaining writer and also incredibly perceptive. In one of his recent books (technically for children, they would enjoy it, but adults love it too) called "Wee Free Men", Pratchett describes a two-year-old child who has difficulty when given too much of what he wants, such as sweeties. His older sister, the heroine of the story, doesn't like him much but he is her brother so she takes care of him. Then the toddler is kidnapped by the Fairy Queen (who is not very nice, really) who gives him exactly what he wants - all the sweeties she can conjure up. But the little boy just sits there and cries. It is a phenomenon his sister calls "tragic sweet deprivation", because "the moment he took any sweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was NOT TAKING ALL THE REST. And there were so many sweets HE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT THEM ALL. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burst into tears." The girl's regular solution to this, such as at a birthday party, is "to put a bucket over his head until he calmed down, take almost all of the sweets away. He could deal with a few handfuls at a time." In some ways, the brains of our darlings are no further evolved than this, no matter how smart they may seem in other ways. It's in having to make choices that the internal conflict and despair originates. Repetition then grinds it along deeper brain pathways and we have to work even harder to show them how to find their own sense of perspective. Your aunt never had anyone call her to account on this, or to help her understand. Sounds like she had a very dominant personality and wouldn't have stood for it, anyway. But I have found the starting point is always better if you accept that the child is really upset about whatever-it-is, and from there you can help them find a way out towards a better perspective. And maybe removing a lot of the frills is also a way to go - "tragic sweet deprivation" can be reduced, by reducing choice. Marg [/QUOTE]
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