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Substance Abuse
NEVER ENDING DRAMA...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 653673" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Okie girl, I am your age and my daughter is 42 years old. 3 1/2 years ago, when I came on this board, I was in the shoes you're wearing now. I got out of those shoes and now my life is working for ME. You can do the same. It is a process of learning. It takes time. It isn't linear, it generally follows the 5 stages of grief, denial, depression, bargaining, anger, acceptance, not in any particular order and often cycling around in all of them. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here,</p><p></p><p>What helped me was to get as much support as I possibly could, it was clear to me that this was going to be one tough road and as a lifelong enabler, I was going to need a village to get me out of the nightmare I was living. I got a therapist, a therapy run parent group, I went to any 12 step groups in my area, I read books, I came here on this board and vented regularly and I began taking care of ME. I started to put the focus on ME and take it off my daughter where it had been for decades. It was always all about her. I receded so far into the background as to be invisible, even to myself.</p><p></p><p>With detachment, came relief. I started saying NO. I started making strong boundaries which I stood by. I refrained from answering the many requests that came in daily for money mostly, favors, what she was used to me giving. It was hard. But I listened to those around me who had been there or were professionals and their guidance moved me through the worst of it. And,my daughter changed too, she stopped manipulating me to get her needs met once she realized I was not going to play anymore. Our relationship improved. She continues to live a life I do not understand, but I am not a part of any drama, I am not asked for anything and there is an open connection between us where love can go back and forth.....but our lifestyles are very different and our worlds don't often intersect. It is what it is. I can't change her. I had to give up what I thought was best for her and accept the life she chooses to live. My life is 500 times better than it was then. </p><p></p><p>You can change how you respond to your daughter and your life will improve. You can let go. You can detach. It's not easy. It requires help. But it is doable. I am proof of that, as are a number of others here who've managed to pull themselves out of the intensity and drama our kids perpetuate for themselves and anyone in their orbit. You can find peace. You can find joy. Life can have meaning for you again, in spite of your son's choices and his lifestyle. It is going to be all about YOU changing, because it's highly likely at this point, that he <u>will not</u>. It is up to you. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Get yourself some support as soon as you can. Keep posting. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself and focus on your needs now. Every single day, make sure you do something kind for yourself.......focus on you, you deserve that. You're not alone, we're here......and we're glad you're here with us. Sending you hugs for your hurting heart........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 653673, member: 13542"] Okie girl, I am your age and my daughter is 42 years old. 3 1/2 years ago, when I came on this board, I was in the shoes you're wearing now. I got out of those shoes and now my life is working for ME. You can do the same. It is a process of learning. It takes time. It isn't linear, it generally follows the 5 stages of grief, denial, depression, bargaining, anger, acceptance, not in any particular order and often cycling around in all of them. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, What helped me was to get as much support as I possibly could, it was clear to me that this was going to be one tough road and as a lifelong enabler, I was going to need a village to get me out of the nightmare I was living. I got a therapist, a therapy run parent group, I went to any 12 step groups in my area, I read books, I came here on this board and vented regularly and I began taking care of ME. I started to put the focus on ME and take it off my daughter where it had been for decades. It was always all about her. I receded so far into the background as to be invisible, even to myself. With detachment, came relief. I started saying NO. I started making strong boundaries which I stood by. I refrained from answering the many requests that came in daily for money mostly, favors, what she was used to me giving. It was hard. But I listened to those around me who had been there or were professionals and their guidance moved me through the worst of it. And,my daughter changed too, she stopped manipulating me to get her needs met once she realized I was not going to play anymore. Our relationship improved. She continues to live a life I do not understand, but I am not a part of any drama, I am not asked for anything and there is an open connection between us where love can go back and forth.....but our lifestyles are very different and our worlds don't often intersect. It is what it is. I can't change her. I had to give up what I thought was best for her and accept the life she chooses to live. My life is 500 times better than it was then. You can change how you respond to your daughter and your life will improve. You can let go. You can detach. It's not easy. It requires help. But it is doable. I am proof of that, as are a number of others here who've managed to pull themselves out of the intensity and drama our kids perpetuate for themselves and anyone in their orbit. You can find peace. You can find joy. Life can have meaning for you again, in spite of your son's choices and his lifestyle. It is going to be all about YOU changing, because it's highly likely at this point, that he [U]will not[/U]. It is up to you. Hang in there. Get yourself some support as soon as you can. Keep posting. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself and focus on your needs now. Every single day, make sure you do something kind for yourself.......focus on you, you deserve that. You're not alone, we're here......and we're glad you're here with us. Sending you hugs for your hurting heart........ [/QUOTE]
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