NEVER ENDING DRAMA...

[okie girl]

I haven't been on here for a while. My difficult child was released from jail in November. He called me at 11:30 p.m. He said he had been released and he had on shorts and a tee shirt. Wanted to know if I could bring him a coat. My husband didn't warn me to get drawn back in to this drama but I just couldn't leave him to freeze in the cold. My husband told me not to bring him home with me. I rented him a motel room. To make a long story short, my husband relented and he back into our home. He had a Harley and a pickup that needed repaired. He asked my husband if he wanted to buy his Harley. My husband bought the motorcycle from him. He went through all this money in about 3 months. He had nothing to show for it. My husband and I replaced a window in his truck (someone had broke it out, bought new tires and had almost $1700 to have the motor repaired. We thought this would motivate him to get a job which he did. He had a friend that was looking for a roommate to share expenses. My husband and I told him he needed to stay here and save some money before moving out but he just had to move. I did give him a bedroom set and some other furniture to help him out. He had no furniture at all. He texted me about two weeks later showing his hand cut and bleeding. He said he was going to the ER for stitches. I called him last week to see how he was doing and he said he was looking for a job. I asked him what happened to the job he had. He said they wasn't paying him (he can't keep a job it is always the employer doing him wrong). He texted me later asking if I had a few extra dollars to spare. He said he needed "a place to lay his head". I should mention after he moved we found one of our hand guns is missing. I did ask my difficult child about it and of course he didn't know anything about it. My husband said it is time for him to "man up" and he was not moving back in with us. My difficult child is 43 years old. He said if difficult child came back he was leaving. I know he is right but I feel guilty. Am I just crazy? Just need some support.

 

[InsaneCdn]

My difficult child is 43 years old.

He isn't a child any more. Hasn't been for a long time.

There is a saying: If nothing changes then nothing changes.

It's a really tough road.

 

[okie girl]

Thanks for your response InsaneCdn. I know I have to take a different approach. I did block him from calling my phone. I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It can be a little quiet around here during the day... usually picks up by evening. Someone with more experience will be along with more relevant ideas...

 

[okie girl]

Okay. Thank you.

 

[Jabberwockey]

We are going through something similar with our child although he is only 20. The fact of the matter is that while he is your son, he is also a grown man who is only a few years younger than me. You cant help him until he wants help. Right now he wants handouts, not help. He wants you to take care of everything for him and that is unreasonable. While I would consider your husbands reaction saying that he would leave if the Difficult Child moved back in, I only have this small bit of information to go by. I am assuming that this has been an ongoing issue for years.

Your son wont grow up until he is forced to and that means cutting him off almost completely. NO CASH! This will only be spent on drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes and NONE of these items are necessary for daily life. I've only recently quit smoking again and I can assure you that if it came down to cigarettes or paying my bills, guess what gets done?!?! Read up on the posts from Lil (my wife) and I about renting our son an apartment when he had a job. Let him be homeless until he is tired of being homeless and willing to work, then be cautious about what help you give. Above all, please dont loose your husband over a grown man who should be prepping to get his own children out of the house but instead wants to be treated like a child himself. He is a grown man, treat him as such and hopefully he will start acting as such. Yeah, sounds easy. Get help for yourselves, marriage counselor, regular counselor, Al Anon, CODA, whatever you have available and what works for you.

 

[runawaybunny]

I'm so sorry your son is dragging you down this very rocky road @okie girl

Here is my take on your situation. You may find it helpful, or you may not.

This is a very difficult road for you because you love your son. You have always had hopes and dreams for him as he was growing up and now you are frightened and disappointed by the life he has made for himself. Still, you are hopeful that he will become the person you had hoped he would be and start making better choices to improve his life. I hope that for you too, but you have to make decisions based upon what today's reality is presenting to you.

He is a grown man and his choices and the consequences of those choices have nothing to do with you anymore. It's all on him.

I agree with your husband. Time for your son to "man up" or face the consequences if he doesn't. Time for you to take good care of yourself and allow your son to take responsibility for his own life. No more money, no more favors. You will always love him, but that doesn't mean you have to let him take advantage of you anymore.

I also agree with @Jabberwockey. Get help for yourselves and let your son find his own way.

 

[okie girl]

We are going through something similar with our child although he is only 20. The fact of the matter is that while he is your son, he is also a grown man who is only a few years younger than me. You cant help him until he wants help. Right now he wants handouts, not help. He wants you to take care of everything for him and that is unreasonable. While I would consider your husbands reaction saying that he would leave if the Difficult Child moved back in, I only have this small bit of information to go by. I am assuming that this has been an ongoing issue for years.

Your son wont grow up until he is forced to and that means cutting him off almost completely. NO CASH! This will only be spent on drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes and NONE of these items are necessary for daily life. I've only recently quit smoking again and I can assure you that if it came down to cigarettes or paying my bills, guess what gets done?!?! Read up on the posts from Lil (my wife) and I about renting our son an apartment when he had a job. Let him be homeless until he is tired of being homeless and willing to work, then be cautious about what help you give. Above all, please dont loose your husband over a grown man who should be prepping to get his own children out of the house but instead wants to be treated like a child himself. He is a grown man, treat him as such and hopefully he will start acting as such. Yeah, sounds easy. Get help for yourselves, marriage counselor, regular counselor, Al Anon, CODA, whatever you have available and what works for you.

Thank you. This has been an ongoing problem for years. He is on probation, so if he gets in any more trouble he will be sent to prison. I have no idea if he is reporting to his P.O. He also was court ordered to go to 52 weeks of counseling. His probation is for 5 years. He has a daughter in college (sophomore) and a son who is a junior in high school. They are more responsible than my Difficult Child.

 

[okie girl]

I'm so sorry your son is dragging you down this very rocky road @okie girl

Here is my take on your situation. You may find it helpful, or you may not.

This is a very difficult road for you because you love your son. You have always had hopes and dreams for him as he was growing up and now you are frightened and disappointed by the life he has made for himself. Still, you are hopeful that he will become the person you had hoped he would be and start making better choices to improve his life. I hope that for you too, but you have to make decisions based upon what today's reality is presenting to you.

He is a grown man and his choices and the consequences of those choices have nothing to do with you anymore. It's all on him.

I agree with your husband. Time for your son to "man up" or face the consequences if he doesn't. Time for you to take good care of yourself and allow your son to take responsibility for his own life. No more money, no more favors. You will always love him, but that doesn't mean you have to let him take advantage of you anymore.

I also agree with @Jabberwockey. Get help for yourselves and let your son find his own way.

I know my husband is right. He has been so good to my family. I am very lucky to have him.

 

[BusynMember]

43 is a middle aged man.How many live beyond 86?

You've done all you can. You deserve to enjoy the rest of you life and your son can choose to finally, finally grow up or be a bum on the street. At his age, what are you supposed to do?In my own opinion, which may not be shared by all, he should never be allowed to live with you again. He is just too old to be living with Daddy and Mommy. He is choosing to be a criminal. That is on his shoulders, not you and your pocketbook. Give up much retirement to him?

I would go to meetings or therapy, detach to the max, and enjoy your precious golden years together without this middle age man, your son, acting like a weepy elementary school boy. I can understand a 20 year old struggling and give that person hope, but 43????

It's now or never. He is not a young man and you won't be around forever.

I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.

 

[okie girl]

43 is a middle aged man.How many live beyond 86?

You've done all you can. You deserve to enjoy the rest of you life and your son can choose to finally, finally grow up or be a bum on the street. At his age, what are you supposed to do?In my own opinion, which may not be shared by all, he should never be allowed to live with you again. He is just too old to be living with Daddy and Mommy. He is choosing to be a criminal. That is on his shoulders, not you and your pocketbook. Give up much retirement to him?

I would go to meetings or therapy, detach to the max, and enjoy your precious golden years together without this middle age man, your son, acting like a weepy elementary school boy. I can understand a 20 year old struggling and give that person hope, but 43????

It's now or never. He is not a young man and you won't be around forever.

I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.

Thank you for your response. I truly feel I have done everything I know to do. It is so hard to detach. I know he is 43 but the mother in me wants to rescue him.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I know he is 43 but the mother in me wants to rescue him.

And here lies the crux of the problem. You cant rescue someone who doesnt want to be rescued.

 

[runawaybunny]

Thank you for your response. I truly feel I have done everything I know to do. It is so hard to detach. I know he is 43 but the mother in me wants to rescue him.

There are some great books out there about enabling and detaching. One that I found helpful was When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

 

[okie girl]

And here lies the crux of the problem. You cant rescue someone who doesnt want to be rescued.

This is so true. I can't take his hand and make him be a responsible person.

 

[okie girl]

There are some great books out there about enabling and detaching. One that I found helpful was When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

Thank you for the book suggestions. I will try to get them to read.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Okie girl, I am your age and my daughter is 42 years old. 3 1/2 years ago, when I came on this board, I was in the shoes you're wearing now. I got out of those shoes and now my life is working for ME. You can do the same. It is a process of learning. It takes time. It isn't linear, it generally follows the 5 stages of grief, denial, depression, bargaining, anger, acceptance, not in any particular order and often cycling around in all of them. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here,

What helped me was to get as much support as I possibly could, it was clear to me that this was going to be one tough road and as a lifelong enabler, I was going to need a village to get me out of the nightmare I was living. I got a therapist, a therapy run parent group, I went to any 12 step groups in my area, I read books, I came here on this board and vented regularly and I began taking care of ME. I started to put the focus on ME and take it off my daughter where it had been for decades. It was always all about her. I receded so far into the background as to be invisible, even to myself.

With detachment, came relief. I started saying NO. I started making strong boundaries which I stood by. I refrained from answering the many requests that came in daily for money mostly, favors, what she was used to me giving. It was hard. But I listened to those around me who had been there or were professionals and their guidance moved me through the worst of it. And,my daughter changed too, she stopped manipulating me to get her needs met once she realized I was not going to play anymore. Our relationship improved. She continues to live a life I do not understand, but I am not a part of any drama, I am not asked for anything and there is an open connection between us where love can go back and forth.....but our lifestyles are very different and our worlds don't often intersect. It is what it is. I can't change her. I had to give up what I thought was best for her and accept the life she chooses to live. My life is 500 times better than it was then.

You can change how you respond to your daughter and your life will improve. You can let go. You can detach. It's not easy. It requires help. But it is doable. I am proof of that, as are a number of others here who've managed to pull themselves out of the intensity and drama our kids perpetuate for themselves and anyone in their orbit. You can find peace. You can find joy. Life can have meaning for you again, in spite of your son's choices and his lifestyle. It is going to be all about YOU changing, because it's highly likely at this point, that he will not. It is up to you.

Hang in there. Get yourself some support as soon as you can. Keep posting. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself and focus on your needs now. Every single day, make sure you do something kind for yourself.......focus on you, you deserve that. You're not alone, we're here......and we're glad you're here with us. Sending you hugs for your hurting heart........

 

[okie girl]

Okie girl, I am your age and my daughter is 42 years old. 3 1/2 years ago, when I came on this board, I was in the shoes you're wearing now. I got out of those shoes and now my life is working for ME. You can do the same. It is a process of learning. It takes time. It isn't linear, it generally follows the 5 stages of grief, denial, depression, bargaining, anger, acceptance, not in any particular order and often cycling around in all of them. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here,

What helped me was to get as much support as I possibly could, it was clear to me that this was going to be one tough road and as a lifelong enabler, I was going to need a village to get me out of the nightmare I was living. I got a therapist, a therapy run parent group, I went to any 12 step groups in my area, I read books, I came here on this board and vented regularly and I began taking care of ME. I started to put the focus on ME and take it off my daughter where it had been for decades. It was always all about her. I receded so far into the background as to be invisible, even to myself.

With detachment, came relief. I started saying NO. I started making strong boundaries which I stood by. I refrained from answering the many requests that came in daily for money mostly, favors, what she was used to me giving. It was hard. But I listened to those around me who had been there or were professionals and their guidance moved me through the worst of it. And,my daughter changed too, she stopped manipulating me to get her needs met once she realized I was not going to play anymore. Our relationship improved. She continues to live a life I do not understand, but I am not a part of any drama, I am not asked for anything and there is an open connection between us where love can go back and forth.....but our lifestyles are very different and our worlds don't often intersect. It is what it is. I can't change her. I had to give up what I thought was best for her and accept the life she chooses to live. My life is 500 times better than it was then.

You can change how you respond to your daughter and your life will improve. You can let go. You can detach. It's not easy. It requires help. But it is doable. I am proof of that, as are a number of others here who've managed to pull themselves out of the intensity and drama our kids perpetuate for themselves and anyone in their orbit. You can find peace. You can find joy. Life can have meaning for you again, in spite of your son's choices and his lifestyle. It is going to be all about YOU changing, because it's highly likely at this point, that he will not. It is up to you.

Hang in there. Get yourself some support as soon as you can. Keep posting. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself and focus on your needs now. Every single day, make sure you do something kind for yourself.......focus on you, you deserve that. You're not alone, we're here......and we're glad you're here with us. Sending you hugs for your hurting heart........

Thank you so much for your wise words.. This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I do really well one day then the next I feel guilt. It is like a roller coaster. I just can't live like this anymore. I am trying hard to detach. I have blocked his number and I do not read his text. It helps to know that detaching and having a manageable life is possible for me. I have a soft heart and feel sorry for him. His dad is deceased and my son is following in his dad's footsteps. It's like trying to stop a train wreck. I will take one day at a time and will keep posting. Thanks again for your kind and uplifting post.

 

[InsaneCdn]

and my son is following in his dad's footsteps

Genetics plays a HUGE part in how our kids turn out. It isn't the only factor, but all the care and nurturing in the world cannot undo genetics.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Okie girl, it was the hardest thing I have ever done too. And, it is exactly like a roller coaster, I was all over the map each and every day in my emotional state. I have a soft heart too, so I experienced this process as being very challenging (which is why I sought out so much professional help, I knew left to my own devices I wouldn't be able to do it.) My daughter is exactly like her Dad, as Insane said, "all the care and nurturing in the world cannot undo genetics." And, you can't stop his train wreck, but you can stop your own, I did it and so have many others here........We may be older, but when lead to the water, we WILL drink!

 

[DoneDad]

You've gotten some good advice. I guess this is a cautionary tale for those of us with younger Difficult Child's - if we don't stop it, it won't stop.

I'm just curious - did you report the missing handgun to the police?