Hello, I'm very new here as well.
I had the goose bumps reading your firs post. You have just described my world. This site is amazing, you really do connect with people who are going through the exact same thing. My difficult child daughter is now 16 and in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). When she was home my life was in turmoil as well, I mean so much like yours. Right down to "I cant help it, I try to be good". When she was about 12 I was looking on her computer and came across a letter to God asking him why she could'nt behave, why she could'nt be nice to her mommy. She asked if a devil lived inside her. She even asked him to write back. I felt horrible. Just from that note alone, I decided right then, she just could not control herself. And she felt bad about it. Broke my heart!!!! I still think about that letter often. I know how desperate you feel, frustrated, angry and heartbroken. When my daughter was home, I hated being in my house. How sad is that? I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it gets so tough, you cant breath. I often pray that I just would not wake up. I wanted out of this prison. I wish I had some magic advice for you. This site is definately a start, I was feeling pretty down a few days ago. Constant agony. Feeling horrible for my difficult child, our last visit was really heartbreaking. Im sad for her. Since I have found this site, just a few days now, I feel so much better. It's nice being able to relate to others. Comforting.
Wish you the best.