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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612325" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Sheila. I am so sorry. I know that feeling of desperation one feels in the middle of the night, looking for answers, feeling hopeless and frightened. I've been there too. I'm glad you happened upon us but I am very sorry you had to go looking.</p><p></p><p>Your story is familiar. You may want to post your story in Substance Abuse as well since those parents are well versed in what you are going through.</p><p></p><p>I believe, even with all your sons issues, even if he has mental issues along with the substance abuse, even with his girlfriends impending birth, the only choice you really have is to <u>evict him immediately</u>. You may want to look into whether you need a court order to do that since in some states, mine included (CA) you have to get legal paperwork and give eviction notices. I would research that right this minute, do whatever you must, and start the process. If you don't need formal paperwork, find a local shelter with a bed and drop your son off there. If you have to call the police to escort him out of your home. You do NOT have to figure out his life for him, he does, whether he is presently capable or not.</p><p></p><p>The most difficult part of all of this for us parents is the hard choice we finally run into which is to STOP enabling our adult kids. You are now there. He is 32, you have been at this horrific nightmare long enough. The bottom line is you can't save him. He may indeed die of an overdose, but your life cannot be about trying to prevent that from happening, if that is his fate, you won't stop that no matter what you do and continuing to try will damage your life and your husbands life beyond where it is already damaged.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Now as you remove him from your home, it will be absolutely crucial for you to seek professional help for yourself and your husband. Attend 12 step groups geared for families, narc anon, codependents anonymous, whatever you can find in your area. You will need help to do this. Find a therapist for you and your husband who can help you negotiate how to detach. If your son has mental issues, look into NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed on line and they have chapters everywhere. They offer excellent courses for parents which give us tools and understanding so we can cope and retrieve our own lives.</p><p></p><p><u>You do not have to live this way</u>. But only you can stop it. Your son is holding you hostage in your own home with his manipulative, hostile, abusive behavior. Do not allow it. Drug addicts are notorious for their abuse of their families, do not go down with his ship. Save yourself. Do not run away, remove him from your home. If necessary get a restraining order to protect yourself and your home. Do whatever it takes to keep him away from you. He has proven that all the money, all the help, all the rehabs, all of it has not done anything to change him, all it does is deplete and exhaust you.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is the only way you will regain your own life. I am acutely aware of how difficult that is and how all the fear and guilt we feel can stop us cold in our tracks. Look down the road a bit and try to see the future, in 10 years your son will be 42 if he lives that long, you and your husband will be 10 years older, if you live that long, and your life could be about taking care of your son, his girlfriend and their now 10 year old child. Your life will be in ruins. </p><p></p><p>You've done all you can. You are not responsible for your son. You are not responsible for his bad choices. You are not responsible for his girlfriend or their child. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot fix this. Only your son can and it looks like he has made the choice to stay the same. </p><p></p><p>Today, do whatever it takes to evict your son. Make today the final day that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Do not wait another minute for your son to change or for him to do anything, it isn't going to happen. You are enabling your son. Stop it and retrieve your own life. <u>You deserve your own life back. </u>Take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612325, member: 13542"] Welcome Sheila. I am so sorry. I know that feeling of desperation one feels in the middle of the night, looking for answers, feeling hopeless and frightened. I've been there too. I'm glad you happened upon us but I am very sorry you had to go looking. Your story is familiar. You may want to post your story in Substance Abuse as well since those parents are well versed in what you are going through. I believe, even with all your sons issues, even if he has mental issues along with the substance abuse, even with his girlfriends impending birth, the only choice you really have is to [U]evict him immediately[/U]. You may want to look into whether you need a court order to do that since in some states, mine included (CA) you have to get legal paperwork and give eviction notices. I would research that right this minute, do whatever you must, and start the process. If you don't need formal paperwork, find a local shelter with a bed and drop your son off there. If you have to call the police to escort him out of your home. You do NOT have to figure out his life for him, he does, whether he is presently capable or not. The most difficult part of all of this for us parents is the hard choice we finally run into which is to STOP enabling our adult kids. You are now there. He is 32, you have been at this horrific nightmare long enough. The bottom line is you can't save him. He may indeed die of an overdose, but your life cannot be about trying to prevent that from happening, if that is his fate, you won't stop that no matter what you do and continuing to try will damage your life and your husbands life beyond where it is already damaged. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Now as you remove him from your home, it will be absolutely crucial for you to seek professional help for yourself and your husband. Attend 12 step groups geared for families, narc anon, codependents anonymous, whatever you can find in your area. You will need help to do this. Find a therapist for you and your husband who can help you negotiate how to detach. If your son has mental issues, look into NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed on line and they have chapters everywhere. They offer excellent courses for parents which give us tools and understanding so we can cope and retrieve our own lives. [U]You do not have to live this way[/U]. But only you can stop it. Your son is holding you hostage in your own home with his manipulative, hostile, abusive behavior. Do not allow it. Drug addicts are notorious for their abuse of their families, do not go down with his ship. Save yourself. Do not run away, remove him from your home. If necessary get a restraining order to protect yourself and your home. Do whatever it takes to keep him away from you. He has proven that all the money, all the help, all the rehabs, all of it has not done anything to change him, all it does is deplete and exhaust you. Detachment is the only way you will regain your own life. I am acutely aware of how difficult that is and how all the fear and guilt we feel can stop us cold in our tracks. Look down the road a bit and try to see the future, in 10 years your son will be 42 if he lives that long, you and your husband will be 10 years older, if you live that long, and your life could be about taking care of your son, his girlfriend and their now 10 year old child. Your life will be in ruins. You've done all you can. You are not responsible for your son. You are not responsible for his bad choices. You are not responsible for his girlfriend or their child. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot fix this. Only your son can and it looks like he has made the choice to stay the same. Today, do whatever it takes to evict your son. Make today the final day that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Do not wait another minute for your son to change or for him to do anything, it isn't going to happen. You are enabling your son. Stop it and retrieve your own life. [U]You deserve your own life back. [/U]Take it. [/QUOTE]
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