New and Struggling

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I understand your feelings. My difficult child was also a total easy child until the end of eighth grade. The first time that she got in trouble was at a Beta convention of all things.

My difficult child has also said that she felt like she didn't fit in once she got into high school. I think that is also the time that her anxiety disorder really kicked in. Many mental illnesses seem to manifest during early adolescence. I think that the easy early years makes it harder to understand when things go wrong.

All of use blame ourselves at one point or another. I still wonder if we could have avoided years of drug and alcohol abuse if only I had been more attuned to what was going on with my difficult child at an earlier age. For years, we just blamed the problems on typical teenage rebellion but there was so much more to it.

~Kathy
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Perhaps, because he IS wired differently, and experiences life from a very different perspective. He's a square peg in a world of round holes, and he just doesn't fit... even when he "seems" to be doing the right things, life never has that "flow" that makes things move forward. He's always tripping on something? Maybe?

Doesn't excuse the drug use. That's a crutch that makes things worse. But might be part of how he got there. One of the interesting things about drug culture is that it doesn't matter if you're different, as long as you're using, you're "in". It's the one group that is willing to take in many of our differently-wired kids.

I was going to type exactly what she did. Exactly. If he does have Aspergers (and he sure has all the signs) he is different and struggles more than most people to understand people and to fit in. Therefore, he is attracted to misfits who he feels at home with and is susceptible to doing what they do.

My daughter was extremely shy and we had just moved so s he was new in seventh grade and nobody paid any attention to her. She sat alone at lunch and felt bad. Finally the "bad" kids came up to her and included her and she joined them gladly because nobody else would have anything to do with the new girl. She told me the same story I keep hearing here: "They were the only ones who included me." She was twelve years old and that was when she smoked her first joint. by the way, in our family nobody smokes cigarettes or even drinks a beer and she still did all that stuff. Thankfully, she even quit the cigarettes!!!

Your son is young. Hopefully he will quit too.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Again, I thank you all for all your support. You've given me some things to think about. I had my husband read this thread. He's, as I said, a very good man and a very good father, but much more strict than I am. He's ready to say, "You want to live your life your way? Fine. Give us the car and don't expect any more money." I can't say he's wrong, but what my head is saying is not the same as my heart right now. Thankfully, he also realizes that and this hasn't stressed our marriage much. He found the thoughts on Asperger's especially interesting.

My son will be home tomorrow. Kind of sad. I'm already looking forward to work on Monday. :(
 

Zardo

Member
Sounds like your husband realizes that your son is destructively strong willed right now. My guess is that as much as you feel bad and want to help him - he doesn't want your help right now - he is convinced his way is better. My son can be that way too and I fear the only real way to help him is to let him try his brilliant ideas and then hopefully dig himself out if the damage isn't too bad. I may sound harsh but we have tried to help for a long time and when they scoff at all of your attempts there's not much else to do.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. So far, the holiday has had ups and downs. Son came home yesterday, but although he got to town at 1 he didn't come home until 9...out with his friends. He also didn't bring so much as a change of clothes and didn't bring his laptop which we specifically told him to bring...four times. He said he "forgot" but we told him we're no longer even sure he owns it. Usually that would get a defensive, angry response, but he calmly said he really did forget. I don't know...he is a good liar. Still, he didn't come home acting at all high and we did have a normal conversation. Because it was late and we didn't want to get into things that late, I only asked if he'd given any more thought to whether he wanted to stay in school. He says he wants to change to gen ed courses and find a job to save up money for his plans. We told him if he wants to move away, he's an adult and we can't stop him, but we're glad to see he understands he needs to save some money up because while we don't have to approve of his life decisions, we also don't have to monetarily support them...and if he goes he'll go without our money or our car. This is the only time in his life that he can earn money and not have to spend it on things like rent and utilities or even food. He seemed to understand that.

While I'm happier that he seems - saner? - about his plans, he may well be just telling us what we want to hear. But there's nothing to do but see I suppose. I may be in denial, but I am still holding out hope that this summer, when I know he was smoking 4 or 5 days a week, was the peak and being away from here for months at a time, away from the people who I know supply him, is good for him and slows that down.

Right now my biggest concern is that we said he needed decent grades to keep the car and he may well be failing everything. Or he may have exaggerated...but I'm not expecting B's and C's here. If he really does want to get a job down there, I'm iffy about the car. He'd need it. I hate to go back on what we said, but this may be a case where it's necessary. (It's a small town, although too big to walk and no bus service after 5 p.m.) I guess we'll see.

We actually don't have a problem with him re-enrolling if he wants to...even if he only takes a couple classes and plans to not return after this year. His student loan pays his tuition and books and we are stuck on his lease (it's a privately owned student housing facility) until June anyway. If he left today, we'd still have to pay.

At the moment it's Thanksgiving day and he is again, out with friends. He'll be home for dinner later. I've decided just to take this visit as it comes and not freak out over every little thing. I keep telling myself he's 18 and we can't dictate what he does. So long as he's respectful.

Hope you are having uneventful days. Over the last year and 1/2, uneventful have become my favorites. :)
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Sounds like your husband realizes that your son is destructively strong willed right now. My guess is that as much as you feel bad and want to help him - he doesn't want your help right now - he is convinced his way is better. .

Story of his life. :) My son is, quite literally, the strongest willed person I have ever met and has always been. When he was a toddler, his babysitter who had many years of experience with babies and children, told me she'd never, ever, seen a child as bull-headed as he is. He wasn't even 2 when he had his first of many, many, tantrums...because I wouldn't let him cut his own nails. He fought and tried to get the clippers and fought some more and screamed and just totally lost it! He's the boy who would reach for something breakable and I'd tell him "No" and he'd just keep on reaching. I would pull him away and as soon as I turned my back he'd reach again. I'd slap his hand and he'd reach again. I'd slap his fingers harder and he'd cry ... and reach with the other hand. Until he was 3 I just kept everything breakable up high where he couldn't get to it because he literally could not be kept out of things. Older, if he couldn't do something he thought he should be able to, he'd try and try and try and finally have a meltdown. I picked him up from preschool once to find him in full tantrum because he was doing a maze and went over a line and they wouldn't give him another one. (He had an IEP before kindergarten and was in a special school program, his counselor he was seeing back then said he had to have more socialization and structure).

Once he was in school, things did settle down a bit, but he was still very hard to handle. Not that it was ever his fault that something didn't work out. Video games "cheated" if he wasn't able to win.

My husband has said more than once that, with his determination to have things his way, he'll either wind up in politics or in prison. I'm kinda hoping for politics.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
So an update on how things have worked out this weekend. We finally managed to get our son to have a real discussion with us (having discussed what we were and weren't willing to do privately in advance). Long story short, he does plan to go back to school...even if he just takes a couple classes...and to find a job. Whether he plans on actually attempting to pass those classes is anyone's guess, but the plan is, apparently, to save up money from a job and from his student loans and, yes, the whole buy an RV and move to Colorado with his buddy appears to be set in the stone of which his brain is made. Everything we had to say about it, he assured us he'd already thought of. (I kinda think not, he didn't have a clue what kind of terrible gas mileage he will get or the fact that if they live several miles from a town they'll need a second vehicle.) But he'd never admit that. We've been VERY plain with him, that we will ONLY provide the vehicle and pay for room and board as long as he's in college. The minute he drops out, every bit of monetary assistance, including use of his car, ends. He's been told quite seriously that the car will NOT leave the state and we WILL report it stolen if he crosses us on that one. In short, we can't tell him how to live his life and we don't have to approve of his choices, but if we don't agree with those life choices, we won't pay for them. Period. I told him, "This is the only time in your entire life that you are able to earn a paycheck and save every penny of it, because we're paying for your room and board and insurance and other necessities. All you have to do is pass a few classes. If you have an ounce of sense, you'll take advantage of this."

Lest you think we're being too easy...we're stuck paying $680 a month room and board whether he's there or not until June. Basically, we're trying to get something for our money! One way or another, he's going to do what he's going to do. At this point I just want him to actually get a few college credits, since we have to pay regardless. Hopefully, he'll get a job and work through school. If he's going to do this, I'd prefer he actually start out with some money so he doesn't starve...but it isn't going to be my money.

On the up side, I'm more convinced than ever that we're just talking pot here and not harder drugs. I can't say exactly why...it's not just a gut feeling though. My husband has worked for Dept. of Corrections for over 20 years. He's not unfamiliar with the behavior and he's always been pretty sure our son isn't into anything else, at least not to any extent. I think one of the most compelling factors is: this is just another one of his obsessions. He's always, as I've said before, fixated on things. It's clear that he's gone from video games, his Jr. High and High School obsession, to pot. He has done more research than most PhD students do for a dissertation. He can tell you all kinds of statistics and cite studies of the benefits of cannabis. Of course, this means he won't listen to any alternative viewpoints. That's the way he's always been. We're been stressing moderation and the propensity for psychological addiction. I'm hoping, like trains and video games, he manages to grow out of this obsession too.

I guess the bottom line is, we spent the weekend trying to be as calm and collected as possible while stressing the fact that we do NOT approve of this plan, we do NOT approve of using any illegal drug and every little bit setting out new "bumps" in the plan...like gas mileage, secondary transportation, need for income for food, property taxes, license, water, etc., and the legal issues of going in with someone else on something like a vehicle or property.

In the end, he'll do what he's going to do. But he'll either fail or succeed on his own. We just have to deal.

Thanks so much to you all for your advice and ear. We have no way of knowing if we're handling this right...but we're muddling through.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Lil, you sound at peace with your decision which is a good place to be.

"Hope for the best, expect the worst, and accept the outcome."

I think that sums up detachment beautifully.

~Kathy
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Funny, that's exactly what I told my husband just a few minutes ago...hope for the best and expect the worst and either way we'll deal with it.

It's also close to what we've been telling our son too. That he needs to prepare for the worst case scenario; car break-downs, joblessness, unexpected expenses, etc., and then if it doesn't happen everything will still be easier.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Hi, I dont normally post over here but I read the first page of your post and decided to respond. Im sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said because I didnt read pages 2 and 3.

About college...you cant make him want to go right now. I was a huge difficult child as a teen and young adult. Heck, Im still a difficult child! I had all the grades and SAT score to get into any university I wanted to and my parents would have gladly paid. I had different ideas. I was completely into partying and never thought further than the next week. I ended up pregnant at 18 to a no good man. I left him when my oldest son was just about a year old. 2 years later I met the man I am with now and we had two more boys. Everyone is all grown up now. Oh by the way...I grew up when I had kids to raise. When my second son was a month old I started back to college and did it all on my own.

Personally with your son, I dont think you are going to have much influence on him. If he wants to move to CO, let him go. I would even give him his student loan money to travel on. He is going to find out he cant buy an RV that cheap though. Maybe a very old pop up camper. It might do him some good to have to make his own way. He will get cold and hungry. He is used to having nice things. He wont have them in a camper in the middle of the woods.

I am probably not in the majority though.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Thank you DammitJanet - Love your screen name. I know he'll go if he can figure out a way. He's done a lot of research. He was surprized to see so had I. I found the "cheap land" website - it's called billyland.com. Sure enough, you can bid on your down payments and the remaining monthly can be quite low and it's owner-finance. Of course, he doesn't even have a credit rating, so whether he and this other boy can actually buy some is up in the air. Craigslist near him has several listings for RV's from the late 70's to the 90's at quite low prices. Most say they are mechanically sound. What I finally told him before he left was this: "Don't take the fact that we are willing to furnish you with a car and a bit of money while you are in school as approval of your plan. We don't approve. We are, however, aware that you are going to do what you want regardless of what we say. So if you pay attention to nothing else, pay attention to this: However much money you think you'll need, double it. You don't want to get halfway across Kansas and blow a radiator and be stuck with no money. If you plan for the worst case scenario, and it doesn't happen, then you have plenty of money left over when you get there. If you expect clear sailing and something happens; then you are hosed."

I used a good example - My husband and I took a trip to Rome, Belguim and Paris - two weeks - in April 2010. The trip should have taken asbout $7,000. We saved $10,000, bought travel insurance, and got a brand new credit card with a $6,000 limit...just in case. The day we were to fly to Belgium, the volcano in Iceland erupted and stranded us in Italy. There were people sleeping in bus and train stations and airports and on the street. We simply got a nice hotel room. What was supposed to be 7 days in Rome became 19. We went to churches and ruins and little out of the way places we hadn't had time for the first 7 days. When the delays added five days to our trip, we rented a car and drove to the Amalfi coast. Turned out to be the best part of the trip...and all that was because we were prepared! Not for a volcano of course, we were thinking more of pilot strikes or sudden illness...but prepared all the same.

Regarding the student loan money in our savings account, I'm of two minds: One, to give it to him and wave goodbuy...two, to hold on to it until that radiator blows half way across Kansas...or until he gets to Colorado, whichever comes first. I just know if I give it to him now, he'll figure it into the "bare minimum" and I really hate the idea of him starving from stupidity.

Lil
 

PatriotsGirl

Well-Known Member
Regarding the student loan money in our savings account, I'm of two minds: One, to give it to him and wave goodbuy...two, to hold on to it until that radiator blows half way across Kansas...or until he gets to Colorado, whichever comes first. I just know if I give it to him now, he'll figure it into the "bare minimum" and I really hate the idea of him starving from stupidity.

Lil

My personal opinion - hold on to it. Let him have the opprtunity to learn a lesson first...
 
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