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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 334875" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome to this site. Sorry you need us, but there is help here.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts on what you shared.</p><p></p><p>First, you need to come to terms yourself with your daughter's diagnosis. I understand your current reluctance to share this with anybody right now. How can you tell someone else when you're having trouble with this yourself? But you do need to deal with this so you can move on and begin to help your daughter.</p><p></p><p>Second, her condition may not be related to her difficult birth. And even if it is, there was nothing you could do about it. What's done is done. Nature is an appalling midwife, we have become accustomed to expecting a perfect delivery with a perfect child, every time. Life just isn't like that. So as gcvmom said, let go the guilt. All guilt does, is slow you down and get in the way of you getting on with being an effective mother.</p><p></p><p>Third, your boyfriend. He sounds needy too, right when you need a support and not another child. Has he attached himself to you because you are a parent figure who can support him? What does he bring to the relationship? What you DON'T need, is someone who needs to be rescued all the time. If he isn't ready to look after himself, I would suggest you take this relationship more slowly, if you can. He needs to be in the right place headspace-wise, before he moves in with you. Otherwise he will (in some place in his head) try to make you responsible for his sobriety. Bad for him, bad for you.</p><p></p><p>The fact that you find it hard to tell him about your daughter right now, tells me that I think you are aware of this (his lack of readiness) and are appropriately keeping him a little at arm's length.</p><p></p><p>You don't need another person dependent on you. He has to take responsibility for his own sobriety. He needs an environment where he has control and where he doesn't have any handy excuses for falling off the wagon. Let him prove himself first. Meanwhile, you will have your own space with your daughter, to sort yourselves out without added complications.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean I think you should cut him out of your life - not at all. But play it slow and cool. If the relationship can't stand this pressure, then it's better to find out before you get in too deep. If it can - it will be all the stronger for going carefully.</p><p></p><p>Also - tell him about daughter as soon as you feel you can (in yourself). Also tell daughter about herself. She needs to understand why things are difficult for her. But when you tell her, let her know that the brain is a marvellous thing and capable of more self-repair than people have previously realised. That's assuming the oxygen starvation is related to this.</p><p></p><p>My nephew had this problem. My sister was told that by the time he started school, he would have made up all his lost ground. He hadn't quite, but he got through school OK.</p><p></p><p>My sister was badly brain-damaged at age 5 by encephalitis. She left school as soon as she was legally allowed to, barely able to read or write. Very insecure, very anxious. But over the years she has become more capable, learned a lot more, done courses and besides raising a family, she has run her own business, done a course in accountancy and is doing amazingly well.</p><p></p><p>So for your daughter - life is a bit more difficult for her and she needs a bit of help for a while. However, her brain is learning all the time and improving all the time. One day she will find what she enjoys doing and is good at. There will be something. There always is.</p><p></p><p>A book we recommend here is "The explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helps when you're trying to manage discipline for a kid who seems to get worse instead of better, with the usual discipline techniques. Kids with impulse control issues; kids with a short fuse; kids with communication or social skill issues; or all of the above. The book really helps. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 334875, member: 1991"] Welcome to this site. Sorry you need us, but there is help here. A few thoughts on what you shared. First, you need to come to terms yourself with your daughter's diagnosis. I understand your current reluctance to share this with anybody right now. How can you tell someone else when you're having trouble with this yourself? But you do need to deal with this so you can move on and begin to help your daughter. Second, her condition may not be related to her difficult birth. And even if it is, there was nothing you could do about it. What's done is done. Nature is an appalling midwife, we have become accustomed to expecting a perfect delivery with a perfect child, every time. Life just isn't like that. So as gcvmom said, let go the guilt. All guilt does, is slow you down and get in the way of you getting on with being an effective mother. Third, your boyfriend. He sounds needy too, right when you need a support and not another child. Has he attached himself to you because you are a parent figure who can support him? What does he bring to the relationship? What you DON'T need, is someone who needs to be rescued all the time. If he isn't ready to look after himself, I would suggest you take this relationship more slowly, if you can. He needs to be in the right place headspace-wise, before he moves in with you. Otherwise he will (in some place in his head) try to make you responsible for his sobriety. Bad for him, bad for you. The fact that you find it hard to tell him about your daughter right now, tells me that I think you are aware of this (his lack of readiness) and are appropriately keeping him a little at arm's length. You don't need another person dependent on you. He has to take responsibility for his own sobriety. He needs an environment where he has control and where he doesn't have any handy excuses for falling off the wagon. Let him prove himself first. Meanwhile, you will have your own space with your daughter, to sort yourselves out without added complications. That doesn't mean I think you should cut him out of your life - not at all. But play it slow and cool. If the relationship can't stand this pressure, then it's better to find out before you get in too deep. If it can - it will be all the stronger for going carefully. Also - tell him about daughter as soon as you feel you can (in yourself). Also tell daughter about herself. She needs to understand why things are difficult for her. But when you tell her, let her know that the brain is a marvellous thing and capable of more self-repair than people have previously realised. That's assuming the oxygen starvation is related to this. My nephew had this problem. My sister was told that by the time he started school, he would have made up all his lost ground. He hadn't quite, but he got through school OK. My sister was badly brain-damaged at age 5 by encephalitis. She left school as soon as she was legally allowed to, barely able to read or write. Very insecure, very anxious. But over the years she has become more capable, learned a lot more, done courses and besides raising a family, she has run her own business, done a course in accountancy and is doing amazingly well. So for your daughter - life is a bit more difficult for her and she needs a bit of help for a while. However, her brain is learning all the time and improving all the time. One day she will find what she enjoys doing and is good at. There will be something. There always is. A book we recommend here is "The explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helps when you're trying to manage discipline for a kid who seems to get worse instead of better, with the usual discipline techniques. Kids with impulse control issues; kids with a short fuse; kids with communication or social skill issues; or all of the above. The book really helps. Marg [/QUOTE]
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