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New here- 7 y/o son with ADHD/ODD, tearing us apart.
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 498383" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Oh I understand... Can really see the dynamic you are talking about. I think in a way it's easier with just one difficult child - a difficult child with siblings poses its own problems... Anyway, you obviously have to deal with that situation as it is! </p><p>I think... my two cents' worth... is that you go really radical and stop the time outs if they are leading to this kind of fiasco each time. This is a difficult decision because you are working with doctors and this is apparently what they are suggesting - do discuss the issue with them? But I think time outs with a kid who reacts like this are counterproductive. I tried doing time outs with my son when he was about three or four, with the result you describe - raging, kicking the door, smashing things... I didn't continue. </p><p>I just don't know the complete answer - alas! Otherwise I wouldn't be coming here but would be writing a best-seller about how to deal with this kind of problem <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> All I can do is share my own experience. My son definitely has the oppositional and defiant streak - he is also, as you say about your boy, very sweet. I have often been surprised to realise that in fact he wants to please me and be loved and accepted. So the oppositional behaviour is not really volitional. He is also not really in command of anything, although it may seem as though he is. Getting angry with him, trying to lay down the law, makes him completely worse. As is no doubt the case for you. The whole trick for me seems to be - and I regularly fail in it, but keep coming back to it - is to <strong>find and maintain</strong> a warm and positive relationship with him. This way, things do not escalate into battles and actually he becomes quite compliant and eager to please (some of the time, anyway). The second I talk to him like an authority who expects him just to submit my will, he is in battle mode and <strong>will not let go until he "wins"</strong>. Being the adult, I have the option to withdraw from all this and take the dialogue onto a different ground. I could say that it is not "right" that he cannot accept direction like other children, but then my life, our lives, just become so hellish. So I feel that taking the position of non-combat is basically just being kind to both of us. </p><p>If I speak to him in a bright, cheerful, warm tone of voice, with respect, expecting that he will behave well... he mostly does. Of course I am human and do not always feel like talking gently and kindly if he is hanging from the staircase jumping off or picking up the dog and manhandling her as part of some fireman game he is playing or...the myriad of things that happen. But I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his behaviour is linked to how I deal with him. To what degree is this true in your case?</p><p>I am so sorry you are facing all this. The tantrums and rages are so demoralising, I really know that. And it seems to go nowhere but just round and round, as you describe. So I think you have to find a way to break the circle. Hugs (if I may! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 498383, member: 11227"] Oh I understand... Can really see the dynamic you are talking about. I think in a way it's easier with just one difficult child - a difficult child with siblings poses its own problems... Anyway, you obviously have to deal with that situation as it is! I think... my two cents' worth... is that you go really radical and stop the time outs if they are leading to this kind of fiasco each time. This is a difficult decision because you are working with doctors and this is apparently what they are suggesting - do discuss the issue with them? But I think time outs with a kid who reacts like this are counterproductive. I tried doing time outs with my son when he was about three or four, with the result you describe - raging, kicking the door, smashing things... I didn't continue. I just don't know the complete answer - alas! Otherwise I wouldn't be coming here but would be writing a best-seller about how to deal with this kind of problem :) All I can do is share my own experience. My son definitely has the oppositional and defiant streak - he is also, as you say about your boy, very sweet. I have often been surprised to realise that in fact he wants to please me and be loved and accepted. So the oppositional behaviour is not really volitional. He is also not really in command of anything, although it may seem as though he is. Getting angry with him, trying to lay down the law, makes him completely worse. As is no doubt the case for you. The whole trick for me seems to be - and I regularly fail in it, but keep coming back to it - is to [B]find and maintain[/B] a warm and positive relationship with him. This way, things do not escalate into battles and actually he becomes quite compliant and eager to please (some of the time, anyway). The second I talk to him like an authority who expects him just to submit my will, he is in battle mode and [B]will not let go until he "wins"[/B]. Being the adult, I have the option to withdraw from all this and take the dialogue onto a different ground. I could say that it is not "right" that he cannot accept direction like other children, but then my life, our lives, just become so hellish. So I feel that taking the position of non-combat is basically just being kind to both of us. If I speak to him in a bright, cheerful, warm tone of voice, with respect, expecting that he will behave well... he mostly does. Of course I am human and do not always feel like talking gently and kindly if he is hanging from the staircase jumping off or picking up the dog and manhandling her as part of some fireman game he is playing or...the myriad of things that happen. But I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his behaviour is linked to how I deal with him. To what degree is this true in your case? I am so sorry you are facing all this. The tantrums and rages are so demoralising, I really know that. And it seems to go nowhere but just round and round, as you describe. So I think you have to find a way to break the circle. Hugs (if I may! :)) [/QUOTE]
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