New here and extremely scared/worried


New Member
Hey ya'll! I am new here and really to any kind of mental illness anything so I want to give a little bit of a background. My son is now 18, and no longer lives with me, but I worry about him daily. Since he was little and really since he learned to talk he has had issues with lying over the silliest things. It was like he was lying just to lie. He would steal-from everyone including family, even if it was something incredibly stupid, cheat, lie, be destructive, and just downright defiant- mostly towards me. Whenever he was corrected, he would say things like "you hate me, everyone does" even when he was 3 years old. His bio dad is not in the picture and I know he has some sort of mental illness in himself and his family. I started him in counseling at an early age because he would bring things to school with him and cut himself with it. They chalked it up to ADHD. We did not medicate him though, because I didn't agree. He wasn't hyperactive and did not have issues paying attention to anyone or anything. But no matter what rule or guideline I set in place, he would HAVE to break it. He would tell ridiculous stories that no one believed because he would just lie about anything, for no reason at all. After years and years of struggling with him - constantly getting in trouble at school (drugs/stealing/cheating/fighting) the battle came home with him. The older he got, the more aggressive he was towards me and his little sister. (he has 4 younger siblings) yet every time he got in trouble, he would twist things so I would end up saying sorry for it. He would some how make it my fault, and I would fall into his trap time after time. He would pin my husband and I against each other, and my house became a literal war zone all the time while he was there. Once he hit his older teens, and got his first serious girlfriend, things went REALLY down hill. He became violent towards me, but only when my husband was at work. I work third shift and although at the time, I would never admit it, I feared coming home every day because I was afraid he would have murdered everyone in my house just to hurt me. He would say things like "I want to shoot myself on your bed so you will have to clean the pieces of me up when you get home" or he would beat up on his little sister for no reason at all. He was quick to explode and EVERYONE was frightened of him. However no matter how much I pushed, he refused to go to any kind of treatment center/counseling anything. He said he didn't want to be "crazy".... Fast forwarding to 17 years old... It just kept getting worse and worse. He would threaten to kill himself every single time things did not go his way, or if he got in trouble. His girlfriend caught him fooling around with another girl, and she flipped. He CLAIMS to have drank bleach - but he had no medical treatment, and an ER doctor assured me if he HAD actually drank it, he would have needed SOME kind of care, no matter the amount and even if he threw up afterwards. He would tell his friends asinine stories of him being sent away to boot camps, which never happened. Anything he could lie and make up to get attention from people, he would do it. It got to the point where family didn't even want to come visit us because they A) did not trust him to not steal from them again, and B) were so annoyed with having to listen to his ridiculous tales they just didn't want to be around him. Part of me thought that he was just ACTING like this... that it was all fake for attention. His girlfriend is into devil worship, and she's gothic- he is a follower so he stopped attending church with us, and started dressing like a goth. He would tell us he was gay one day and straight the next... and he would just do stuff on purpose to try to get us flustered. He would constantly relentlessly come at me picking and nagging until I would finally snap back and give in to the fighting. Then he would say that it was me who love to fight. When I tried resisting, he would push and push and push... just so I would yell at him and he can play the victim again.
In Feb of last year he wanted to go out with his girlfriend and I told him no. He lost it. started breaking stuff around the house, the pushed me down some stairs and grabbed the knife block in my kitchen. He had his back towards me, grabbed a knife, turned, raised it up and lunged at me saying "I will F*****G kill you" I fought him off then he threatened to impale himself. I wrestled him to the ground and got all the knives from him at which point he ran to the garage and had weapons strategically placed in secret spots all over. I saw this and locked him in the garage and immediately called 911. He back me into that corner. They came to the house and took him to the hospital. I went to the magistrate and had him IVC'd. He was in 2 separate in patient facilities for Homicidal and Suicidal ideations. While he was there, we found stuff in his room - emails and facebook messages where he plans to shoot up his school, and "kill his siblings and paint the walls with their blood". He had pictures of him with a dead animal that he claims to have tortured for 32 minutes prior to killing it, at which point he ripped it's head off, put it on a stick and took a selfie of him with this ripped apart animals head on a stick. His excuse, his girlfriend wanted a skull to make a candle holder out of. SMH! They did most of their work up and had him diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. They were trying to rule out Conduct Disorder, but my insurance said he didn't need in patient care and discharged him. So back home came my angry kid- still freshly angry with no help yet because they JUST got this diagnosis, and the insurance denied care. Even after appealing it 7 times, they still said no no no. He came home and three days later came after me again. This time my husband was home and got in the middle. He punched my husband in the face, and that was that... We told him he had to leave. CPS got involved and said they agree that he makes the home unsafe for everyone there, and I have it in writing that he is not allowed back in the home until he gets and continues psychiatric care. He has since disappeared except the occasional text message I get from him. That can either go well, or horrible. He is now drinking all the time. He claims he is going into the military, and I am wondering how he will get in with a mental illness documented in his medical chart. He was only 17 and a minor when he was diagnosed, and did not get on going care because he refused it. So if he doesn't tell them about it, they won't know. They can not train him to kill. He is scary enough as it is. He still insists that I am "crazy" and he is not. We fight about him seeing his siblings because I don't think they are safe with him, yet they little ones don't understand because they don't know the extent of his thoughts and things he has said and done. I just don't know what to do anymore, but I don't want to keep watching my back and living in constant fear of my own kid! Anyone else go through similar? Any advice on how to help my other kids cope with the almost "loss" of their older brother? I am just at a loss.....


Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
This is such a terrible thing to have to go through for anyone. You are doing the right thing taking steps to protect you and your family. You can not help him and he does not want help.
Take care of yourself and continue to protect your family.


New Member
Do what you need to protect your family. He isn't safe. Don't fall for his lies and manipulation. Don't let him in your house. Go no contact with him as much as possible.

Using paragraphs and structure helps make posts easier to read.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So sorry that you have had to endure this. VERY SCARY things in your post.

I agree not to ever let him live with you again. I suggest you find a therapist or group for support going through this.

It's your responsibility to protect your younger children.

I would think the school would want to know about his threats. I cannot believe they won't lock him up. He is severely mentally ill from what you have said. I am so sorry.