welcometowitsend
Member
Hello everyone,
I found this great site (although it's unfortunate that any of us need to be here) a couple of days ago and have been reading many posts. It is comforting to know we are not alone in our struggles.
Let me give you some background on us.....
husband and I run our own business and have for the past 17 years. Happily married, great relationship.
Our daughter (13) is obedient, works hard, respects us and is a delight to be around. She has learning disabilities (she was 2 months premature) but perseveres and works through things. She is now in school as well.
Our son (16) was diagnosed with Tourette's and ADD when he was 9 years old. I worked very closely with him, home schooled both him and his sister, and taught him many strategies to overcome tics, transition issues and attention issues. We made great progress. His Tourette's seems to be in remission and he doesn't need any accommodations at school.
His father and I thought it would be good for him to start attending school in grade 9 so he made the transition to school last year and did very well. Good grade, good friends, good focus - his teachers LOVED him. This year he is still doing pretty good in school for most subjects except he almost failed math last semester (didn't ask for help until 2 weeks before the exam) and kept me in the dark about it. And he is struggling (i.e. not doing homework/studying) through science this semester. His other subjects are easy (guitar, drama, english). No detentions, no phone calls home, no problems at school.
He doesn't skip class because he doesn't want to get kicked out of the arts program. Thank goodness for small mercies!
Just before Christmas he developed a new group of friends and things have gone downhill in a big hurry. He has a new girlfriend within this group as well. We had to take his cell phone away from him a couple of months ago for running up his bills viewing porn/sex videos. Now he uses that as an excuse to not get in touch with us when he is out with friends. A couple of weeks ago he came home 1.5 hours late on a school night -no phone call, nothing. He could have used his girlfriends phone, a nearby pay phone (and I have shown him where it is) or a friends phone - lies (everyone's phone was dead, no one had a quarter - he had money in his wallet) and excuses abounded. When I told him he was grounded for that and for being so rude and disrespectful to me he flipped. His dad wasn't home and DS told me that he was going to do what he wanted and was I going to make him use his size to do it? (he's 5'11", 170lb I'm 5'2 and we won't talk about my weight
). Anyway, I let it go for that evening because it was getting out of hand and when we tried to talk to him about it the next day he informed us we were abusive parents because we argue with him and that he was ready to leave. husband didn't want him to leave so we compromised and wiped the slate clean to try and start fresh - mistake!!
A week went by of him not following some rules - but they were small ones so we let it go. Things went pretty smoothly because we weren't bugging him, I guess.
Then on Monday I discovered some very crude and profane comments as well as morally corrupt photos etc. on his Facebook. After school I approached him to talk to him about it and tell him that I wanted him to clean up his language and remove the nasty stuff from his FB. He thought it was funny - and I mean this stuff is nasty. Despite trying to explain that this stuff is around forever, your grandmother and sister see this, potential employers can see this - he thought it was funny and pretty much laughed in my face. Things got a little heated so we separated to cool off for a while. Then we talked again and I thought I'd gotten through to him. I told him that I was going to take his FB away for that night and that I'd change his password back the next day. He went nuts. Screaming, swearing, spewing jaw-dropping profanities at husband and I. husband was worried about me so asked me to leave the room - I suggested we both leave the room and we did. Well DS followed us and got right in my face screaming at me and ordering me to give him the internet and FB passwords. I just calmly said no and repeatedly asked him to calm down, leave the room, go cool off. husband told him to get out of my face and he promptly told husband to shut the **#$ up. After a few minutes of this husband decided it was getting out of hand and took DS by the shirt and pushed him away from me (restrained him because he was escalating). DS started swinging and trying to punch husband. After restraining him for a few minutes we let him up and told him to go to his room - well he did, and came down with a baseball bat!! Threatened us with the baseball bat and then went back upstairs to pack his things.
husband and I thought we'd better call the police. When the police showed up DS tried to get husband arrested for 'assault' and the police told him that husband was within his rights to protect me from my son and to restrain him if necessary. That ticked DS off because I think he wants husband out of the house. We didn't tell the police about the baseball bat (maybe we should have). Anyway, DS has left and is now staying at his girlfriends house. When DS left he told me that he never wanted to be around husband again and that he was okay with me but he wouldn't come home if husband was there. Problem is I'm not sure I want to be around DS without husband there to protect me.
We did have him drug tested but I can't get the results without DS's consent. Once they hit the age of 12 kids are allowed to make their own medical decisions here. And once they hit 16 they can leave home and don't have to inform us of where they are living.
I'm not sure if/how we could transition him back into the house after this. How do his sister and I be alone in the house with him if Dad is at work? My husband's line of work is day to day and sometimes hour to hour - never knows where he will be or when he will be home and we can't change this. What kind of rules do we lay down and what do I do if he refuses to follow them?
These were our rules before:
1) Be respectful to other people in the house.
2) Get yourself up for school in the morning, don't miss the bus and focus on your schoolwork in order to get the best grades you can.
3) Get permission to go out beforehand and come home at the agreed upon time. If you're going to be more than 1/2 hr late let us know so we don't worry.
4) When you're 16 you can start doing your own laundry and make your own school lunch.
5) Don't eat in your room.
6) No drugs, alcohol or smoking or stealing.
7) Mom has passwords for email and Facebook (random checks will be done - the more you prove yourself trustworthy the more freedom you will get).
Thanks so much if you have read this far! Any feedback or suggestions are greatly appreciated!
CC
I found this great site (although it's unfortunate that any of us need to be here) a couple of days ago and have been reading many posts. It is comforting to know we are not alone in our struggles.
Let me give you some background on us.....
husband and I run our own business and have for the past 17 years. Happily married, great relationship.
Our daughter (13) is obedient, works hard, respects us and is a delight to be around. She has learning disabilities (she was 2 months premature) but perseveres and works through things. She is now in school as well.
Our son (16) was diagnosed with Tourette's and ADD when he was 9 years old. I worked very closely with him, home schooled both him and his sister, and taught him many strategies to overcome tics, transition issues and attention issues. We made great progress. His Tourette's seems to be in remission and he doesn't need any accommodations at school.
His father and I thought it would be good for him to start attending school in grade 9 so he made the transition to school last year and did very well. Good grade, good friends, good focus - his teachers LOVED him. This year he is still doing pretty good in school for most subjects except he almost failed math last semester (didn't ask for help until 2 weeks before the exam) and kept me in the dark about it. And he is struggling (i.e. not doing homework/studying) through science this semester. His other subjects are easy (guitar, drama, english). No detentions, no phone calls home, no problems at school.
He doesn't skip class because he doesn't want to get kicked out of the arts program. Thank goodness for small mercies!
Just before Christmas he developed a new group of friends and things have gone downhill in a big hurry. He has a new girlfriend within this group as well. We had to take his cell phone away from him a couple of months ago for running up his bills viewing porn/sex videos. Now he uses that as an excuse to not get in touch with us when he is out with friends. A couple of weeks ago he came home 1.5 hours late on a school night -no phone call, nothing. He could have used his girlfriends phone, a nearby pay phone (and I have shown him where it is) or a friends phone - lies (everyone's phone was dead, no one had a quarter - he had money in his wallet) and excuses abounded. When I told him he was grounded for that and for being so rude and disrespectful to me he flipped. His dad wasn't home and DS told me that he was going to do what he wanted and was I going to make him use his size to do it? (he's 5'11", 170lb I'm 5'2 and we won't talk about my weight
A week went by of him not following some rules - but they were small ones so we let it go. Things went pretty smoothly because we weren't bugging him, I guess.
Then on Monday I discovered some very crude and profane comments as well as morally corrupt photos etc. on his Facebook. After school I approached him to talk to him about it and tell him that I wanted him to clean up his language and remove the nasty stuff from his FB. He thought it was funny - and I mean this stuff is nasty. Despite trying to explain that this stuff is around forever, your grandmother and sister see this, potential employers can see this - he thought it was funny and pretty much laughed in my face. Things got a little heated so we separated to cool off for a while. Then we talked again and I thought I'd gotten through to him. I told him that I was going to take his FB away for that night and that I'd change his password back the next day. He went nuts. Screaming, swearing, spewing jaw-dropping profanities at husband and I. husband was worried about me so asked me to leave the room - I suggested we both leave the room and we did. Well DS followed us and got right in my face screaming at me and ordering me to give him the internet and FB passwords. I just calmly said no and repeatedly asked him to calm down, leave the room, go cool off. husband told him to get out of my face and he promptly told husband to shut the **#$ up. After a few minutes of this husband decided it was getting out of hand and took DS by the shirt and pushed him away from me (restrained him because he was escalating). DS started swinging and trying to punch husband. After restraining him for a few minutes we let him up and told him to go to his room - well he did, and came down with a baseball bat!! Threatened us with the baseball bat and then went back upstairs to pack his things.
husband and I thought we'd better call the police. When the police showed up DS tried to get husband arrested for 'assault' and the police told him that husband was within his rights to protect me from my son and to restrain him if necessary. That ticked DS off because I think he wants husband out of the house. We didn't tell the police about the baseball bat (maybe we should have). Anyway, DS has left and is now staying at his girlfriends house. When DS left he told me that he never wanted to be around husband again and that he was okay with me but he wouldn't come home if husband was there. Problem is I'm not sure I want to be around DS without husband there to protect me.
We did have him drug tested but I can't get the results without DS's consent. Once they hit the age of 12 kids are allowed to make their own medical decisions here. And once they hit 16 they can leave home and don't have to inform us of where they are living.
I'm not sure if/how we could transition him back into the house after this. How do his sister and I be alone in the house with him if Dad is at work? My husband's line of work is day to day and sometimes hour to hour - never knows where he will be or when he will be home and we can't change this. What kind of rules do we lay down and what do I do if he refuses to follow them?
These were our rules before:
1) Be respectful to other people in the house.
2) Get yourself up for school in the morning, don't miss the bus and focus on your schoolwork in order to get the best grades you can.
3) Get permission to go out beforehand and come home at the agreed upon time. If you're going to be more than 1/2 hr late let us know so we don't worry.
4) When you're 16 you can start doing your own laundry and make your own school lunch.
5) Don't eat in your room.
6) No drugs, alcohol or smoking or stealing.
7) Mom has passwords for email and Facebook (random checks will be done - the more you prove yourself trustworthy the more freedom you will get).
Thanks so much if you have read this far! Any feedback or suggestions are greatly appreciated!
CC