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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 609693" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Aside from possible attachment issues, which I still believe he COULD have, he sounds like he could be on the spectrum. I apologize, but I think it was wrong to make him order his own food when he is clearly terrified to do so. He needs help for this problems, not punishment for not being able to do what other kids his age do. This does cause meltdowns in our differently wired kids. They don't have the frustration tolerance of other kids and can not be parented the way other kids are. They are different, needy, and definitely require serious interventions. "Spoiling" has nothing to do with his behavior. Many kids are peppered with many material things and do not act like your stepson. He is just different and not "spoiling" him wouldn't make any difference.</p><p></p><p>Poor hygiene is common on the spectrum, if in fact that is one of his problems. The kids do not understand or "get" social norms and have no idea why we care if they smell bad. My son is on the spectrum and at age twenty he does know that "other people care" but it is still something we have to remind him to do (showering) and something he doesn't find important. That also needs to be addressed, but not with screaming and yelling and harshness. He needs to be in some sort of social skills class at school. </p><p></p><p>It does not help that he goes back and forth from your house to bio. moms as if he has any spectrum tenencies, these kids don't do well with change and transition. I realize that is out of your control, but it's not the greatest for him. He has to change rules, expectations and his very environment every time he goes from your place to her place, which can be confusing even for a typically wired child. It is too bad the two households can not decide on common rules, but my son has gone through a divorce with a child and I know that sometimes it isn't possible.</p><p></p><p>All in all, you are limited as to what you can do to help him. If bio. mom has legal custody, it is her call. If your husband also has legal custody, he needs to exercise it and get this kid help. Psychiatrists are not the greatest for spectrumish kids...that really isn't their field since it is a neurological difference rather than a psychiatric disorder. My son's psychiatrist misdiagnosed him with bipolar and plowed him with a lot of drugs he didn't need and that didn't help.</p><p></p><p>If you ever observe him being cruel, sexual or harming another child or animal, if he pees and poops inappropriately and if she sets little fires or steals or lies crazily, please think about attachment problems again. You were not there for his first three years. Perhaps it was a bit more chaotic in his home than you know. Just a warning as attachment disordered kids can be very dangerous, especially if you have other kids and pets. Not saying he has it for sure, but he does have many danger signs of insecure attachment. I just don't want you to find out he has been harming another and you are kept off guard. Watch him verrrrrrrrrry carefully with other kids and pets, especially when he thinks you aren't looking. Attachment disordered kids do not have a conscience. They are in survival mode as they have had to learn early "I can't count on the adults in my life so I'll take care of me and only me." And they do, not caring about anybody else. I am convinced that the attachment disordered child who was in our home could kill somebody without remorse. Watch your back.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck. You have your hands full. Make sure you have time to relax and take care of your own needs. You are important to and will be useless for anyone if you aren't good to YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 609693, member: 1550"] Aside from possible attachment issues, which I still believe he COULD have, he sounds like he could be on the spectrum. I apologize, but I think it was wrong to make him order his own food when he is clearly terrified to do so. He needs help for this problems, not punishment for not being able to do what other kids his age do. This does cause meltdowns in our differently wired kids. They don't have the frustration tolerance of other kids and can not be parented the way other kids are. They are different, needy, and definitely require serious interventions. "Spoiling" has nothing to do with his behavior. Many kids are peppered with many material things and do not act like your stepson. He is just different and not "spoiling" him wouldn't make any difference. Poor hygiene is common on the spectrum, if in fact that is one of his problems. The kids do not understand or "get" social norms and have no idea why we care if they smell bad. My son is on the spectrum and at age twenty he does know that "other people care" but it is still something we have to remind him to do (showering) and something he doesn't find important. That also needs to be addressed, but not with screaming and yelling and harshness. He needs to be in some sort of social skills class at school. It does not help that he goes back and forth from your house to bio. moms as if he has any spectrum tenencies, these kids don't do well with change and transition. I realize that is out of your control, but it's not the greatest for him. He has to change rules, expectations and his very environment every time he goes from your place to her place, which can be confusing even for a typically wired child. It is too bad the two households can not decide on common rules, but my son has gone through a divorce with a child and I know that sometimes it isn't possible. All in all, you are limited as to what you can do to help him. If bio. mom has legal custody, it is her call. If your husband also has legal custody, he needs to exercise it and get this kid help. Psychiatrists are not the greatest for spectrumish kids...that really isn't their field since it is a neurological difference rather than a psychiatric disorder. My son's psychiatrist misdiagnosed him with bipolar and plowed him with a lot of drugs he didn't need and that didn't help. If you ever observe him being cruel, sexual or harming another child or animal, if he pees and poops inappropriately and if she sets little fires or steals or lies crazily, please think about attachment problems again. You were not there for his first three years. Perhaps it was a bit more chaotic in his home than you know. Just a warning as attachment disordered kids can be very dangerous, especially if you have other kids and pets. Not saying he has it for sure, but he does have many danger signs of insecure attachment. I just don't want you to find out he has been harming another and you are kept off guard. Watch him verrrrrrrrrry carefully with other kids and pets, especially when he thinks you aren't looking. Attachment disordered kids do not have a conscience. They are in survival mode as they have had to learn early "I can't count on the adults in my life so I'll take care of me and only me." And they do, not caring about anybody else. I am convinced that the attachment disordered child who was in our home could kill somebody without remorse. Watch your back. I wish you luck. You have your hands full. Make sure you have time to relax and take care of your own needs. You are important to and will be useless for anyone if you aren't good to YOU. [/QUOTE]
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