New here and need advice

[scaredofhim]

Hello. I am so glad I found this site because I desperately need some advice. This is going to be long and I do apologize. I have a 12 year old stepson. I have been in his life since he was 9 and we have him every other weekend. My husband told me that he has always had behavior problems, even when he was as young as 3 and he has been in counseling before which never did any good because he won't really talk to the counselor. The problems with him have escalated as he has gotten older. His bio mom has money and spoils him and there are never any consequences for his actions. I had no idea of the depth of his problems when I married his dad because at first he seemed kind of normal, just a little odd at times. He seems to like me, but his bio mom had remarried also and he hated his stepdad with a passion and made life there so miserable for his bio mom and stepdad that they wound up divorcing after less that two years of marriage. Of course stepson took that as a huge victory, getting his stepdad out of the house. That was his goal all along. He basically runs his bio moms house. But not our home, because we have rules, which he does hate. His pediatrician put him on Vyvanse simply because his teachers said they thought he had ADHD. He pays attention just fine when he wants to he just doesn't like school because school is not fun. To him, things have to be fun, he doesn't like to be bored, and to him the only things that are fun are video games. When his bio mom saw that Vyvanse wasn't getting her the behavior she wanted from him she told his pediatrician that she thought he was depressed so then he was put on Celexa and upped the dosage on the Vyvanse. No change. Then the pediatrician added Abilfy. Still no change. He also has a video game addiction. Early in the month, his bio mom took away all his video games because he refused to do homework, and he had a violent meltdown. Meltdowns are frequent with him when he doesn't get his way and they are very explosive. He is a very big kid as well and that scares me when he gets violent like he does. During the meltdown he said he was going to kill himself, and later he posted the same thing on Facebook so bio mom hauled him to the ER and they put him in a psychiatric ward on a 72 hour hold. After the end of that time, the psychiatrist diagnosed him with Bipolar 2, and has started to wean him off the Vyvanse since he does not have ADHD. There really hasn't been a change in his behavior at all, if anything, he is worse. He is still on the Abilify and Celexa. The dr. told bio mom NO video games whatsoever, but she has been letting him play every day since he got out of the hospital. We had him this past weekend and would not let him play video games at all, and it was a rough weekend. He asked for the laptop after church, and we told him no. He had a fit of course. His dad asked him if his tantrums help him get what he wants and he said no. Then he asked him why he behaved that way then and he looked at us with pure evil in his eyes and screamed, "because I get angry!" Yes he does, any time he does not get what he wants. After that he stormed up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door and then he started chanting, in monotone, "I am bored, I want to go home" This went on for a half hour, then he asked his dad if he could call his mom and asked her if he could come home early. So he called her and we took him home, and procedded to brag to us in the car that bio mom was going to allow him to play video games for three hours, and that he didn't like coming to our house because it is so boring. His dad told him well then there is no reason for you to come anymore. He said good. Of course his mom will make him come anyway no doubt. We are tired of dealing with the meltdowns and the manipulation, while bio mom keeps enabling the behavior. Counseling does no good because he will barely talk to the therapist, and when he does it's all lies. He is a pathological liar. He has grabbed his bio mom by the wrists and shoved her when she has tried to take his electronics, he has made holes in her walls, he steals his half brother's (his bio mom has another son) stuff when he can't find his. He won't shower, brush his teeth, do homework. He only wants to eat ice cream and cookies. My husband I feel that there is way more wrong with him that just being bipolar, we are even afraid he may have sociopathic tendencies because he shows absolutely NO remorse at all for anything he does, for any feelings he hurts, he simply does not care. The world revolves around him and what he wants. We don't feel he was in the psychiatric facility long enough to get a proper diagnosis, and he is very good and lying and charming the doctors. and nurses and anyone else in authority. As my user name says, I am scared of this child. The way he looked at us yesterday when we were talking to him was frightening. We are both in our fifties, and totally stressed out. We no longer feel comfortable in our own home when my stepson is here with us. I do not trust what he might do. We can't get many answers out of the bio mom, because she is a pathological liar as well and she gives in to him all the time so he has her wrapped around his finger. He even had a meltdown at school the other day that she never told us about so we have a feeling that there have been way more incidents than we even know about. I have to be honest, even though he has never tried to purposely hurt me, during meltdowns he is so out of control that I do worry about that. Just watching his body language sometimes you get the feeling he is plotting something. I do not trust him one bit. My husband is seriously considering telling the bio mom that we are not going to take him every other weekend any more, because he doesn't want to be here, and it's just too stressful for everyone. No one should feel uncomfortable in their own home. Should we call the psychiatrist and talk to him and tell him what we have observed with his behavior, because I can guarantee you that the bio mom didn't tell him everything and has sugar-coated what she did tell him. Does it sound like my stepson may have a conduct disorder? Any advice is greatly appreciated. I could tell you many more things that he has done, but this is a start....

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. You have your hands full. I am just starting to read about parent abuse, but he is kind of young to be accused of that. Did he have a very chaotic first three years with many caregivers and changes? Such crazy inconsistency in the very early years can cause something called attachment disorder. It is very hard to treat and requires a specialaist who understands it. Otherwise,yes, it will be misdiagnosed as everything from ADHD to bipolar to Aspergers, but these kids tend to be more violent...and many pee in inappropriate places, hurt animals, and are fascinated with fire. The first three years are forever printed on their brains. That needs to be changed...the blueprint in their minds and traditional parenting and/or therapy doesn't work. I wouldn't blame bio. mom completely. If bio. dad was a part of child's chaos, he also would be a part of t he blame, however finger pointing d oesn't help. Here is a link to attachment disorder.

http://www.strugglingteens.com/archives/2000/6/oe03.html

Another issue I am just learning about, due to my own circumstances, is Parent Abuse by a child. Your stepchlid is young, but he is on his way to becoming a parent abuser if you let him. Regardless of his diagnosis, I am convinced that no parent deserves to be abused. Here is a link to Parent Abuse. It is not spoken of much because...well...parents abuse kids, not the other way around, right? Sometimes both is the case. Here is the link.

http://loupurplefairy.hubpages.com/...g-of-Parent-Abuse-When-Children-Abuse-Parents

I am starting to see that my son has started abusing his parents (us) and other people, including school mates, at a very young age and all the therapy we took him to didn't help him. In his case, he did not suffer anything that would have severed his attachment to us. He was just always a mean kid. I do think that at younger ages we have to try to avoid this from happening by getting the child all the help that we can. In our case it did not work. In many cases, it can.

If you have other kids especially it very well could be a good idea not to have this child visit you at home. Maybe your husband can see him in a neutral place every other Sat. or Sun. The kids tend to be nicer when they are out of the house. If they aren't, at least you have witnesses who can see that you did not abuse the child, but that he initiated it. If he has attachment problems, often these kids cry false abuse charges.

Conduct Disorder and Attachment Disorder's symptoms and behaviors are virtually identical. I am going to post one last link...a book about children who have insecure attachment, which, by the way, he may not have. But due to his history of divorce, I'll bet he has some form of insecure attachment and these kids do not care about others. It is sad because they had bad infancy-three years and it wasn't their faults, but the chaos and harm these kids can cause, especially to animals and other people, is still just as dangerous as ever. We lived with an attachment disordered child whom we adopted at eleven. He sexually acted out (not just molested) our two young children and killed our animals. I am not saying your stepchild has gone that far. I am just saying.....maybe he's better off seeing your hub away from home...and also watch out!!! Here's the link to the book. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) means reactive attachment disorder, however attachment is on a spectrum. He may have some of it but not all of it. It still causes dangerous behavior.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not...381836255&sr=1-5&keywords=attachment+disorder

I wish you luck with this child. You may want to take him to a neuropsychologist to see what other issues accompany a possible attachment disorder diagnosis., which I don't know if he has. If he has ever been abused or might have been abused or is a child who is very sexual in his talk and behavior, keep him far away from your other kids!!!!

Hugs and take care of yourself!!!! Do what is best for your family.

 

[scaredofhim]

Hello Midwest Mom,

I don't think he has attachment disorder, as his first three years were very normal as far as I know. My husband and the child's mother were never married, so there was no divorce, and they lived together until he was almost 5 years old. But he did start displaying behavior problems at a very young age, and they even took him to counseling. He was a difficult infant, and then when he was a toddler he started with the severe meltdowns. So something is definitely going on with him as far as mental illness goes. He cares about no one but himself, everything has to revolve around him and his wishes. He lies constantly, and when you confront him with 100% proof that he is lying, he continues to lie. I have a dog and the stepson has a cat at his bio moms, and he is very kind to the animals as far as I have seen, and hasn't tried to start any fires or anything. But like I said, I am scared of him. Especially since he lies so much and has so much anger when he doesn't get his way. There is just no telling what he may be capable of and if he is this bad at the age of 12, there is no telling how much worse it is going to get as he gets into the teen years. I forgot to mention that he has a half brother that does have mental issues, his bio mom has a son by a previous relationship who also lives in the bio moms home. The half brother has Aspergers, Bipolar, and Tourettes and has been hospitalized in the psychiatric ward three times already, so I have to wonder about a genetic component since they are half siblings. The half brother has stolen bio moms credit card and ordered thousands of dollars of stuff online, and has had the police called on him and spent time in juvenile detention. And I see stepson headed down the same path. But stepson is a whole lot more violent than his half brother during these meltdowns. As far as sexual acting out, no he has not done that to our knowledge, but bio mom doesn't tell us everything that he does either. She is in denial that there is anything wrong with him, she can't face the fact that both of her boys have mental problems. My husband and I are not sure how much we can take and as I mentioned are thinking about not having him visit anymore. We can see him outside the home. I just don't trust him and don't want him in our home anymore......

 

[InsaneCdn]

Has this child ever had a comprehensive evaluation? or even an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues?
He probably needs both and more.

Given that you do not suspect the kinds of neglect/abuse that would cause an attachment disorder, I'd be looking for something neurological. Developmental challenges (like Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), extreme ADHD, executive function challenges, etc.), and/or mental illnesses (such as bi-polar) can be a HUGE challenge for a kid. And often the biggest single challenge is that "the rest of the world" (i.e. everybody except the kid) thinks he has an attitude/behavior problem: "He COULD do all of this stuff if he WANTED to"... in reality? he probably can't, but nobody believes him, so he becomes more isolated, more desperate.

It's not too late for an evaluation. We didn't get even CLOSE to accurate dxes until high school... and it made a world of difference.

Have you ever read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene?

 

[scaredofhim]

Hi InsaneCdn,

He has been evaluated before when he was younger, and all the psychiatrist would say at that time is that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The Bipolar diagnosis has just been added after his recent hospitalization. His pediatrician thinks he has Asperger's, but the therapists at the psychiatric hospital don't think he shows any signs of Asperger's. I know he needs to have another evaulation, and his bio mom says she is going to take him somewhere for a second opinion, because she refuses to believe anything is wrong with him and she disagrees with the Bipolar diagnosis. My husband and I do agree with the diagnosis even though she doesn't. So I am sure she will keep taking him to doctors. until she gets one to say that there is nothing wrong with him.

 

[Castle Queen]

If the Bipolar diagnosis is correct, I think Celexa isn't a good medication to be on...what I have heard on this board & other places is best practice is to couple mood stabilizer with anti-psychotic....hope I got this right, someone please correct me if I did not.
Can your husband ask to be included in any dr. appts for son?

 

[scaredofhim]

Castle Queen,

Thanks so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. I will do some checking about the Celexa. husband is included in the dr. appts. for my stepson already but so far there haven't been any scheduled since he was released from the hospital because bio mom is dr. shopping for a second opinion and she hasn't found a dr. yet. We did all meet with the dr. before his discharge when we were given the bipolar diagnosis.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

I have to agree with Insane...lol. The child you are describing sounds ALOT like my son, who has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), ODD, severe ADD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). He is 12 but his meltdowns started at around two. It's been a long, long, battle. The one thing that is not similar, though, is that he almost always feels remorseful after meltdowns. I really believe it is - for the most part - out of his control. Last year, he missed almost a whole year of school, for various reasons. We are beyond thrilled that this year he has been there every day with minimal problems - he is in two resource classes, which seems to have made a huge difference. HOWEVER - as school has improved, behavior at home has deteriorated. He seems much more easily agitated/frustrated and meltdowns have become more frequent when he doesn't get what he wants, which no one can get all the time. My walls have many holes in them. As far as the ipad/video game issue, here are my thoughts: During the summer, he was very addicted to Xbox and I was really getting concerned but I figured that he has so much difficulty socializing with peers, that I allowed it. I'm happy to say that like everything else, his interest in it has now decreased dramatically...not exactly sure why. Now the Ipad is definitely an issue for me. I regret ever buying it. All he really uses it for is to look up places he wants to go and things he wants. And, of course, he wants them NOW. What I compare this to is me walking into a store and being overwhelmed by all the stuff and wanting everything that an hour ago I didn't even know existed. I finally followed my gut and took it from him two days ago after he put another hole in the wall and so far - although he has used my phone a bit - he's not throwing a fit over it. I'm not sure I'm returning it. My feeling is that it makes his life and our lives worse. Just one more thought: Boredom. He gets SO much anxiety if he doesn't have something to do that it drives him and us nuts. My sister told me yesterday that she was reading a book on addictions that said boredom is a prime symptom, which worries me but makes sense. He has had to be entertained since about two and it's exhausting. So...my gut feeling on what you've posted thus far is that while I TOTALLY get how you're feeling - because I'm living it - there's definitely something more going on here and he needs help. Does he have friends? How does he do with social cues? any hygiene problems?

 

[TiredSoul]

Sounds a lot like my difficult child who has an ADHD and ODD diagnosis currently. I would also say mine has some Aspie traits as well as sensory issues, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety, and depression. I considered bipolar at one point but don't think that is the case. I bet there is more going on with your step son as well.

How does he do in school academically and behaviorally? Does he get along with peers and teachers? Does he do his work?

 

[scaredofhim]

anonymous,

I agree with you that more is going on with my stepson that what has been diagnosed so far. He used to do pretty well in school but the last couple of years his grades have slipped and he more often than not refuses to do his homework or classwork. He used to get along okay with his teachers (until last week, read on) but if he doesn't like someone or you do something he doesn't like, watch out! He gets physical with his half brother when he doesn't get his way. And when bio mom was still married he fought terribly with his stepbrother. And he thinks nothing of picking up heavy objects and throwing them at people when he is having a meltdown. He also chants in monotone when he isn't getting his way, and he beats his head against the wall during meltdowns as well. We just found out from his bio mom that he wanted donuts before school last week, so she stopped and got some but they were out of the chocolate ones he liked. When he opened the box and realized there were no chocolate donuts, he threw the box across the car and the donuts went flying everywhere and he was screaming and thrashing around. When she got him to school, he refused to get out of the car, and she had to drag him into the school. She got him inside the door and he was laying there inside the hallway crying and screaming like a two year old in front of everyone. A couple of days after that, he had to stay after to make up some work he missed when he was hospitalized, and the teacher asked him if he read the chapters she asked him to read and he told her no, then asked him if had finished up some other things and he said no then she told him he needed to get started on finishing up the work and he had a meltdown in front of her. Scared the teacher to death and she called his mom to come and get him. He has never had a full blown meltdown at school other than the incident where he was laying on the floor when he first got to school when his mom dragged him inside. Everything with this child is escalating so quickly. And he is a very large 12 year old, he weighs 160 pounds already. If this continues he is seriously going to hurt someone. As I have mentioned he has already grabbed his bio mom by the wrists and shoved her hard. His bio mom is a big woman, but I am not. I am 4'10" tall and only weigh 120 pounds and I am 57 years old. So naturally I am living in fear that the child will get angry with me when he is here and come after me and hurt me. When he is having a meltdown it is like he loses touch with reality, it's frightening! Both my husband and I feel that he should not have been released from the hospital so soon. He wasn't there long enough for a full assessment in our opinion.....

 

[scaredofhim]

Hi stessedtomax,

SS has very few friends and is very socially backwards. He won't even order his own food at a restaurant. He says that no one his age orders their own food, when the truth is, he is just so socially awkward he doesn't want to do it. He even had a meltdown over it once when we went to a fast food restaurant and my husband told him to tell the lady what he wanted and he refused so husband said either you order, or you don't get to eat anything. He still wouldn't so we left the restaurant and he proceeded to meltdown in the car, kicking the car windows. Luckily the glass did not break. And yes, he has serious hygiene problems. He doesn't want to take showers or brush his teeth, and he smells bad and his breath is horrible. I am really surprised that kids at school don't say something to him about how he smells. His bio mom has had to resort to dragging him into the shower. When we do get him to take a shower he gets in and spends maybe a minute or two and gets right back out, and he can't possibly get clean in that amount of time. And one thing I just remembered, which is disturbing, is last summer when his bio mom was still married to his stepdad, he said in the car that he thinks about doing bad things to stepdad. He didn't like him but still, that is frightening to me. And now that we don't allow video games at our home he doesn't like me either and I shudder to think he may now have the same thoughts about me. I think this is something that we need to tell his psychiatrist about when his bio mom finds a new dr. for him.

 

[BusynMember]

Aside from possible attachment issues, which I still believe he COULD have, he sounds like he could be on the spectrum. I apologize, but I think it was wrong to make him order his own food when he is clearly terrified to do so. He needs help for this problems, not punishment for not being able to do what other kids his age do. This does cause meltdowns in our differently wired kids. They don't have the frustration tolerance of other kids and can not be parented the way other kids are. They are different, needy, and definitely require serious interventions. "Spoiling" has nothing to do with his behavior. Many kids are peppered with many material things and do not act like your stepson. He is just different and not "spoiling" him wouldn't make any difference.

Poor hygiene is common on the spectrum, if in fact that is one of his problems. The kids do not understand or "get" social norms and have no idea why we care if they smell bad. My son is on the spectrum and at age twenty he does know that "other people care" but it is still something we have to remind him to do (showering) and something he doesn't find important. That also needs to be addressed, but not with screaming and yelling and harshness. He needs to be in some sort of social skills class at school.

It does not help that he goes back and forth from your house to bio. moms as if he has any spectrum tenencies, these kids don't do well with change and transition. I realize that is out of your control, but it's not the greatest for him. He has to change rules, expectations and his very environment every time he goes from your place to her place, which can be confusing even for a typically wired child. It is too bad the two households can not decide on common rules, but my son has gone through a divorce with a child and I know that sometimes it isn't possible.

All in all, you are limited as to what you can do to help him. If bio. mom has legal custody, it is her call. If your husband also has legal custody, he needs to exercise it and get this kid help. Psychiatrists are not the greatest for spectrumish kids...that really isn't their field since it is a neurological difference rather than a psychiatric disorder. My son's psychiatrist misdiagnosed him with bipolar and plowed him with a lot of drugs he didn't need and that didn't help.

If you ever observe him being cruel, sexual or harming another child or animal, if he pees and poops inappropriately and if she sets little fires or steals or lies crazily, please think about attachment problems again. You were not there for his first three years. Perhaps it was a bit more chaotic in his home than you know. Just a warning as attachment disordered kids can be very dangerous, especially if you have other kids and pets. Not saying he has it for sure, but he does have many danger signs of insecure attachment. I just don't want you to find out he has been harming another and you are kept off guard. Watch him verrrrrrrrrry carefully with other kids and pets, especially when he thinks you aren't looking. Attachment disordered kids do not have a conscience. They are in survival mode as they have had to learn early "I can't count on the adults in my life so I'll take care of me and only me." And they do, not caring about anybody else. I am convinced that the attachment disordered child who was in our home could kill somebody without remorse. Watch your back.

I wish you luck. You have your hands full. Make sure you have time to relax and take care of your own needs. You are important to and will be useless for anyone if you aren't good to YOU.

 

[scaredofhim]

Bio mom has legal custody, so as you said it is her call as to how his issues are handled. His pediatrician thinks he has Asperger's, the psychiatrist and psychologists do not think he has Asperger's or anything else on the spectrum. Bipolar 2 and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are what has been diagnosed so far, but husband and I are certain that with a comprehensive evaluation that other things may be found. The problem is bio mom is in total denial, doesn't agree with the diagnosis and wants a second opinion and is dr. shopping right now. So, basically other than the current psychiatrist weaning him off the Vyvanse because he does not have ADHD and keeping him on the Celexa and Abilify, nothing else is being done right now other than weekly counseling with a psychologist that SS refuses to talk to. As for husband making him order his own food, well he did that because SS will order his own food on very rare occasions so I am sure husband was hoping he would do it that time as well, but SS will cop an attitude about ordering his own meal most of the time and give us the "other kids his age don't order their own food line" and act like he is afraid to do it. He is so immature for his age and perhaps husband was just trying to get him to man up a little, I don't know. I think my biggest concern is what SS said about his ex-step dad, that he thought about doing bad things to him. If he is thinking about committing violence against his ex-step dad just because he didn't like him or was angry with him, then that is very concerning to me because SS is angry with me now too because we are not going to allow video games in our home since the psychiatrist said he is severely addicted and should never play them. It's just a very hard situation all the way around.

 

[scaredofhim]

I was wondering if husband and I should let SS's current dr. know about the comment SS made about about his former stepdad? That he thinks about doing bad things to him? To me, that is sort of a scary thing for a child to say about someone, because it sounds like he wishes he could do ex stepdad bodily harm. I know kids say all kinds of things that they don't mean, but given the fact that SS has some issues and isn't normal, it is our thought that his dr. should be made aware of what he said. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[scaredofhim]

Well we didn't have SS this weekend, but he was a holy terror at his bio mom's. She called us and told us that SS tried to jump out of her SUV when she was going 30MPH because she refused to give him back his laptop and let him have more video game time. He also tried to block her and keep her from leaving the house for the same reason. She asked my husband to talk to him so she put us on speakerphone and he told SS that this coming weekend when he comes to our house, there will be NO video games, that he is not ever bringing video games here again and SS screamed at him, "well then I am never coming to your house ever again!" Of course bio mom told him oh yes you are. He was verbally abusing bio mom all weekend, having meltdowns, and physically threatening her. husband told her she needs to call the police if he gets out of hand but bio mom won't do it. SS's half brother told bio mom she needs to lock her bedroom door at night because he is afraid that SS is going to hurt her. Bio mom also got her credit card bill in the mail on Sat. and discovered that SS had taken her credit card number and ordered over 800.00 of video game related credits online. SS of course denies that he did this, but she knows he did. She has the proof and showed him and he still lied, he does this all the time when confronted with proof he is lying. I am scared senseless for this child to come to our home this coming weekend. I won't be sleeping, I can promise you that, because this kid is unstable and I do not trust him and fear what he might do. husband says that if he gets violent here, we will call the police. I dread the weekend. Please pray for us......

 

[BusynMember]

Prayers!!!!!

I hope he can get help soon! If he gets violent, it is not a bad idea to call the police to see if that makes a dent (not to get him arrested...he is too young). This is really a tragedy. The child is disturbed, but NO PARENT should let a child abuse him/her regardless of age. Some kids can not be safe in the home. Do you think he'd do better in a residential setting? Sounds like bio. mom is being abused by him as well. And even if he is mentally ill, all of you, including the boy, STILL need to be safe! (((Hugs!!!!)))

 

[scaredofhim]

Thanks for the prayers and hugs Midwest Mom! I am at my wits end and scared. I am dreading the entire upcoming weekend. husband and I think he needs to be in a residential setting, but bio mom seems to think she can handle him. SS doesn't even have an appointment. with his psychiatrist until December! Bio mom just can't face that he is mentally ill. Unfortunately it is probably going to take something bad happening before she will see that is what needs to be done.....

 

[BusynMember]

Since bio. mom is the one resisting, perhaps your husband can tell her he can't visit anymore?? I'm sooooooooo sorry.

 

[scaredofhim]

SS said he didn't want him to come here anymore, and SS doesn't want to, but she told SS he had to, because she needs a break. husband and I live in an apartment. If SS has meltdowns here all weekend, neighbors are going to call the police when they hear him. I really don't want him to come here and I'm scared.

 

[BusynMember]

Can't you tell her that you live in an apartment and you can't have him there? If she has legal custody she is the one who has to get him the right help and hasn't yet.