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New here but can now see I'm not alone .....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 563807" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome MM, I'm glad you found us.............I'm sorry you're going through this with your son...............many if not most of us here have a similar story and it is heartbreaking as we are put in terrible positions to have to set boundaries and often detach from our kids. My advice is always to find help and support for you and your husband, therapy, 12 step groups, parent groups, to find ways to cope with the situation as you learn to figure out how to set boundaries with an adult child who lives with you but will not abide by any of your rules or have any respect for you. Ultimately we all have to do what we feel is right and what we can live with, however, many of us run right into the wall that you seem to be at, where you've done everything for them and they don't do anything for themselves and resent you and treat you terribly. </p><p></p><p>It's your home, your life, and in your case you have 2 younger kids who are watching how you deal with the oldest and also, no doubt, being adversely impacted by the stress and tension in the home. At some point for many of us, we are faced with how to negotiate the territory of removing our own children from our homes. Many of us will set a date down the road, whatever feels comfortable, one month, three months, for him to leave and find alternative living arrangements. In some states you have to get an eviction notice, even for your own kids, which you can research and find out if that is the case where you live. This is not an easy path, but it often become a necessary one for the rest of the family to have a decent and healthy life without all the drama, hostility, anger and sometimes violence. </p><p></p><p>We as parents often have to distinguish between enabling and loving.......and in learning the distinction, react in different ways. Not so easy without support and guidance, in my opinion. Because it goes against what we desire to do in almost every way............however, the alternative is to continue to allow this behavior in your home and watch it destroy your family bit by bit.</p><p></p><p>For me and for what I've read, seen and gone through myself, there is a definite trajectory of responses we, as parents, go through, as we try to figure all of this out, change it and create a different way of life for ourselves. It's a process, it's difficult, it's up and down and all over the map, and there are steps most of us take, in different ways at different times, it all is up to you...........You cannot change him, you cannot control him, you cannot force him to anything he doesn't want to do............but you can change your responses, you can define your boundaries, set them and defend them strongly as to what you will allow and what you will not. And make sure you have clear consequences if those boundaries are not respected, otherwise they have no validity. You may need help to do that. It's not easy. Your son is 19, considered an adult although he is not acting like one...........while he is learning to negotiate life as an adult, you may have to learn to let him go into whatever life he chooses, even if you don't understand or agree with it, and sometimes we have to help them launch by stopping their bad behavior by not permitting it in our environment and forcing them to leave......... Sigh............I know how hard that is too.......... </p><p></p><p>There is a blurb at the bottom of my post which is a wonderful article on detachment, you may want to read it and share it with your husband. Your last paragraph speaks to all of our parental concerns and is exactly what we all have to face..........<span style="color: #0000cd">I think I know that I must ask him to leave, but with no job, how will he fend for himself? I am such a mother hen, I know I wont be able to sleep if I dont know where he is. He makes such bad decision all the time, that I just dont know what would become of him.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000cd"></span><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You've landed in a place where many of us have lived through those very fears you expressed, each of us in our own way...........you're not alone, we really understand,........ doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it a little bit easier, just a little.............so keep posting, find support out there for you.........stop enabling him..........get clear on your boundaries and......hang in there..............HUGS...........</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 563807, member: 13542"] Welcome MM, I'm glad you found us.............I'm sorry you're going through this with your son...............many if not most of us here have a similar story and it is heartbreaking as we are put in terrible positions to have to set boundaries and often detach from our kids. My advice is always to find help and support for you and your husband, therapy, 12 step groups, parent groups, to find ways to cope with the situation as you learn to figure out how to set boundaries with an adult child who lives with you but will not abide by any of your rules or have any respect for you. Ultimately we all have to do what we feel is right and what we can live with, however, many of us run right into the wall that you seem to be at, where you've done everything for them and they don't do anything for themselves and resent you and treat you terribly. It's your home, your life, and in your case you have 2 younger kids who are watching how you deal with the oldest and also, no doubt, being adversely impacted by the stress and tension in the home. At some point for many of us, we are faced with how to negotiate the territory of removing our own children from our homes. Many of us will set a date down the road, whatever feels comfortable, one month, three months, for him to leave and find alternative living arrangements. In some states you have to get an eviction notice, even for your own kids, which you can research and find out if that is the case where you live. This is not an easy path, but it often become a necessary one for the rest of the family to have a decent and healthy life without all the drama, hostility, anger and sometimes violence. We as parents often have to distinguish between enabling and loving.......and in learning the distinction, react in different ways. Not so easy without support and guidance, in my opinion. Because it goes against what we desire to do in almost every way............however, the alternative is to continue to allow this behavior in your home and watch it destroy your family bit by bit. For me and for what I've read, seen and gone through myself, there is a definite trajectory of responses we, as parents, go through, as we try to figure all of this out, change it and create a different way of life for ourselves. It's a process, it's difficult, it's up and down and all over the map, and there are steps most of us take, in different ways at different times, it all is up to you...........You cannot change him, you cannot control him, you cannot force him to anything he doesn't want to do............but you can change your responses, you can define your boundaries, set them and defend them strongly as to what you will allow and what you will not. And make sure you have clear consequences if those boundaries are not respected, otherwise they have no validity. You may need help to do that. It's not easy. Your son is 19, considered an adult although he is not acting like one...........while he is learning to negotiate life as an adult, you may have to learn to let him go into whatever life he chooses, even if you don't understand or agree with it, and sometimes we have to help them launch by stopping their bad behavior by not permitting it in our environment and forcing them to leave......... Sigh............I know how hard that is too.......... There is a blurb at the bottom of my post which is a wonderful article on detachment, you may want to read it and share it with your husband. Your last paragraph speaks to all of our parental concerns and is exactly what we all have to face..........[COLOR=#0000cd]I think I know that I must ask him to leave, but with no job, how will he fend for himself? I am such a mother hen, I know I wont be able to sleep if I dont know where he is. He makes such bad decision all the time, that I just dont know what would become of him. [/COLOR][COLOR=#000000] You've landed in a place where many of us have lived through those very fears you expressed, each of us in our own way...........you're not alone, we really understand,........ doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it a little bit easier, just a little.............so keep posting, find support out there for you.........stop enabling him..........get clear on your boundaries and......hang in there..............HUGS........... [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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