Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here but can now see I'm not alone .....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="welcometowitsend" data-source="post: 563843" data-attributes="member: 14356"><p>MonMon - Hello to you and welcome to the board. You are definitely in the right place. </p><p></p><p>I am going through a very similar situation with my son. He is a little younger than yours but his behaviour is very similar (without the marijuana use - at least for now). </p><p></p><p>Your son has graduated high school and did well from the sounds of it. He is struggling to find a career path in life but that is not uncommon among youth. So, there are a couple of positives there, at least. </p><p></p><p>He is definitely making some bad decisions. Is he depressed? Sometimes that shows up as anger - but he is only exhibiting it towards his family. Of course he would feel most comfortable doing it to you because he knows how much you love him and expects that he will be forgiven. Could it be the marijuana use? </p><p></p><p>With our son we kept backing up and backing up (with rules and boundaries) until we couldn't back up anymore. We finally realized (it took me longer than my husband) that we couldn't back our boundaries up any more and so we asked him to leave. We have a 13 year old daughter who is watching everything that is going on and also having to live with the arguing and anger from her big brother. I called Children's Aid and spoke with them about our situation and they were more concerned about our daughter and how this was affecting her than they were about our son. Where we live kids can leave home at 16 and parents have no control over that. Our therapist told us that we have the right to run our home as we see fit and if we want a peaceful home that we should have it. </p><p></p><p>In our situation we gave difficult child some time to get his stuff together and find a place to live but he chose to leave immediately and hasn't looked back. The first couple of weeks he was gone I got calls from the school every day saying he was missing classes. That was hard but he is making those bad decisions - someone here told me once that if he flunks out of high school he can go back later and get his diploma - it is not something he can't fix later when he matures. This was very helpful to me. I'm not sure what has changed for my son but for the past week and a half he has been to class every day. He is living on a friends couch while he looks for somewhere to stay. That's going to be hard for him because he is young and no one is going to want to rent to him. He only has a part time job as he still has 1.5 years of school left before he graduates. He is going to struggle. If he is working hard and taking responsibility and still struggling then I will help him. If he isn't trying to help himself then I won't. </p><p></p><p>This has been a very tough decision but I have to make it otherwise I'm not helping him I'm enabling him to remain immature and irresponsible. At some point I want to look at my son and see him as a productive, law abiding citizen in this society - not as a lazy, entitled, immature child. Part of me wonders if there is more to his mental health issues than depression (I think this a lot) and part of me wonders if he just needs a kick in the butt and be forced to take responsibility for himself. </p><p></p><p>It's hard. I have moments when I start to cry and it seems to come out of nowhere. Some days I am angry with him, some days I am sad and some days I am ok. These kids break our hearts. Is it part of them separating from us and because we have a very strong connection they feel a need to do it in a bigger way than most kids? I don't know. I do know that it hurts like heck. I also know that I am setting a better example for our daughter by respecting my own personal boundaries and by letting her know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I'm also letting my son know that I respect myself and will not be treated poorly by him. I have gotten the brunt of his anger and aggression and he still can be very nasty to me but I think we are starting to forge a different relationship and I'm hoping that will change. </p><p></p><p>I am telling you a bit of my story because I think I know how you feel. I am not telling you what to do but it may be time to start considering nudging him towards finding his own place and establishing himself as an independent young man. You still have time to approach it from a positive standpoint. "We are so excited for you. We can't wait to help you move and set up your own place. If you need some furniture you can have the old couch in the basement....." type of thing. I'm trying this with my difficult child but we are not in a great place right now. He and his father have not spoken in about 3 weeks and he didn't even say goodbye to his sister when he left and hasn't spoken to her in just as long either. I do not want that for you. </p><p></p><p>The hardest part is watching him make mistakes and knowing it is futile to say anything about it because it will only serve to make him angrier with me and he'll do what he wants anyway. I'm choosing to try and salvage what is left of our relationship, build on that, accept him as he is (provided he respects me), and hope that he grows more mature. </p><p></p><p>Please continue to come back and talk to everyone here. I am pretty new here and muddling through but there are parents here that have a lot of wisdom and knowledge to share. </p><p></p><p>Big hugs to you and I'm so sorry you are going through this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="welcometowitsend, post: 563843, member: 14356"] MonMon - Hello to you and welcome to the board. You are definitely in the right place. I am going through a very similar situation with my son. He is a little younger than yours but his behaviour is very similar (without the marijuana use - at least for now). Your son has graduated high school and did well from the sounds of it. He is struggling to find a career path in life but that is not uncommon among youth. So, there are a couple of positives there, at least. He is definitely making some bad decisions. Is he depressed? Sometimes that shows up as anger - but he is only exhibiting it towards his family. Of course he would feel most comfortable doing it to you because he knows how much you love him and expects that he will be forgiven. Could it be the marijuana use? With our son we kept backing up and backing up (with rules and boundaries) until we couldn't back up anymore. We finally realized (it took me longer than my husband) that we couldn't back our boundaries up any more and so we asked him to leave. We have a 13 year old daughter who is watching everything that is going on and also having to live with the arguing and anger from her big brother. I called Children's Aid and spoke with them about our situation and they were more concerned about our daughter and how this was affecting her than they were about our son. Where we live kids can leave home at 16 and parents have no control over that. Our therapist told us that we have the right to run our home as we see fit and if we want a peaceful home that we should have it. In our situation we gave difficult child some time to get his stuff together and find a place to live but he chose to leave immediately and hasn't looked back. The first couple of weeks he was gone I got calls from the school every day saying he was missing classes. That was hard but he is making those bad decisions - someone here told me once that if he flunks out of high school he can go back later and get his diploma - it is not something he can't fix later when he matures. This was very helpful to me. I'm not sure what has changed for my son but for the past week and a half he has been to class every day. He is living on a friends couch while he looks for somewhere to stay. That's going to be hard for him because he is young and no one is going to want to rent to him. He only has a part time job as he still has 1.5 years of school left before he graduates. He is going to struggle. If he is working hard and taking responsibility and still struggling then I will help him. If he isn't trying to help himself then I won't. This has been a very tough decision but I have to make it otherwise I'm not helping him I'm enabling him to remain immature and irresponsible. At some point I want to look at my son and see him as a productive, law abiding citizen in this society - not as a lazy, entitled, immature child. Part of me wonders if there is more to his mental health issues than depression (I think this a lot) and part of me wonders if he just needs a kick in the butt and be forced to take responsibility for himself. It's hard. I have moments when I start to cry and it seems to come out of nowhere. Some days I am angry with him, some days I am sad and some days I am ok. These kids break our hearts. Is it part of them separating from us and because we have a very strong connection they feel a need to do it in a bigger way than most kids? I don't know. I do know that it hurts like heck. I also know that I am setting a better example for our daughter by respecting my own personal boundaries and by letting her know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I'm also letting my son know that I respect myself and will not be treated poorly by him. I have gotten the brunt of his anger and aggression and he still can be very nasty to me but I think we are starting to forge a different relationship and I'm hoping that will change. I am telling you a bit of my story because I think I know how you feel. I am not telling you what to do but it may be time to start considering nudging him towards finding his own place and establishing himself as an independent young man. You still have time to approach it from a positive standpoint. "We are so excited for you. We can't wait to help you move and set up your own place. If you need some furniture you can have the old couch in the basement....." type of thing. I'm trying this with my difficult child but we are not in a great place right now. He and his father have not spoken in about 3 weeks and he didn't even say goodbye to his sister when he left and hasn't spoken to her in just as long either. I do not want that for you. The hardest part is watching him make mistakes and knowing it is futile to say anything about it because it will only serve to make him angrier with me and he'll do what he wants anyway. I'm choosing to try and salvage what is left of our relationship, build on that, accept him as he is (provided he respects me), and hope that he grows more mature. Please continue to come back and talk to everyone here. I am pretty new here and muddling through but there are parents here that have a lot of wisdom and knowledge to share. Big hugs to you and I'm so sorry you are going through this. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here but can now see I'm not alone .....
Top