Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="helpme" data-source="post: 354340" data-attributes="member: 8202"><p>My story is very similar. Here is what I wish I would have done. I wish I</p><p>would have gone to Al-Anon, or similar program, WITH the siblings. I wish</p><p>I would have found a resource like this website/forum. The support is a</p><p>NECESSITY to deal with the problems.</p><p></p><p>Here is what worked for me. I sat down and made a list of the positives</p><p>and negatives of the WHOLE ordeal. I made a list down the middle of the</p><p>chances of the negatives occurring while the child was in my care. Now</p><p>please don't take this wrong. But the custody arrangement will not be</p><p>"strong" enough for you to enforce the agreement. Been there, done that.</p><p>Just today, I read where someone was worried about her brother taking</p><p>her difficult child in and the problems that would occur if such.</p><p></p><p>ie: and they'll send him back with even more problems then he had before</p><p>--> What is the probability of him getting into the same situation with you?</p><p></p><p>ie: I'm insisting the boy be drug tested even as I know that this will be used </p><p>by his father to villify me.</p><p>--> What is the probability that your son will be charged with a crime and have</p><p>a drug test done without your struggle to have one completed?</p><p></p><p>I am hoping this makes sense. Have you read much about detachment?</p><p>If not, I'd advise you to at least read about it, and have a plan ready if need be.</p><p>My plan was that i would fight for his medical care, give money to reward </p><p>for going to high school and for working. No more and no less. Even the</p><p>money I gave went to partying and tattoos, the cell phone bill in his father's</p><p>name, probably to paying his Dad's bills as difficult child was also doing, without my prior </p><p>knowledge, but I did my best to make sure it wouldn't. </p><p></p><p>Being prepared for detachment helped tremendously when the calls for bail</p><p>money, legal fees, and court fines and fees. I did make sure I took food</p><p>after he got out of jail or whatever, if I was able to see him. I just kept, and</p><p>still do, finding little ways to say and show that I am still here, I still love you,</p><p>but I won't tolerate your decisions, your abuse, your lifestyle, and so forth.</p><p></p><p>I think its a big decision to go into detachment. Looking back, I wish I would</p><p>chosen detachment, rather than to be forced to detach. That new phrase of</p><p>..I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't control it. It really means a lot. It also</p><p>might be a terrible thing to say, but since I've been through it already with 2</p><p>of my 3, I think I have already detached in some ways with my youngest. If I</p><p>avoid the fight with STBX, the "air" is clear to see the real problems. If I fight</p><p>with STBX, the fight becomes the ONLY problem. I also beleive that youngest</p><p>detached from her siblings and father better than I did. She did it naturally</p><p>of course. Middle daughter needed to vocalize when she detached. Everyone</p><p>handles it a little bit differently than someone else.</p><p></p><p>My oldest went to dad's after being charged with domestic battery, my next one</p><p>went to dad's after they attempted to charge me with domestic battery against</p><p>her, dad added a motion for custody of the last her and youngest. I struggle </p><p>nonstop with the decisions of allowing youngest to be in their (father and siblings) </p><p>care. It is very hard to teach a child to love their siblings and father BUT protect </p><p>them at the same time. The Order of Protection helps ward of the worries of</p><p>sexual and physical abuse. I know I did everything that I could, but sadly it was </p><p>not enough.</p><p></p><p>I've learned that enablers are everywhere. In church, at the neighbors, lifetime</p><p>childhood friends, siblings, grandparents, teachers and so forth. And in my opinion, you</p><p>will never be able to help anyone with enablers nearby. Detachment helps with</p><p>enablers and gives you the peace of mind you need.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck and I hope to hear more from you. Make a plan and you will</p><p>feel a lot better. (Hugs)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="helpme, post: 354340, member: 8202"] My story is very similar. Here is what I wish I would have done. I wish I would have gone to Al-Anon, or similar program, WITH the siblings. I wish I would have found a resource like this website/forum. The support is a NECESSITY to deal with the problems. Here is what worked for me. I sat down and made a list of the positives and negatives of the WHOLE ordeal. I made a list down the middle of the chances of the negatives occurring while the child was in my care. Now please don't take this wrong. But the custody arrangement will not be "strong" enough for you to enforce the agreement. Been there, done that. Just today, I read where someone was worried about her brother taking her difficult child in and the problems that would occur if such. ie: and they'll send him back with even more problems then he had before --> What is the probability of him getting into the same situation with you? ie: I'm insisting the boy be drug tested even as I know that this will be used by his father to villify me. --> What is the probability that your son will be charged with a crime and have a drug test done without your struggle to have one completed? I am hoping this makes sense. Have you read much about detachment? If not, I'd advise you to at least read about it, and have a plan ready if need be. My plan was that i would fight for his medical care, give money to reward for going to high school and for working. No more and no less. Even the money I gave went to partying and tattoos, the cell phone bill in his father's name, probably to paying his Dad's bills as difficult child was also doing, without my prior knowledge, but I did my best to make sure it wouldn't. Being prepared for detachment helped tremendously when the calls for bail money, legal fees, and court fines and fees. I did make sure I took food after he got out of jail or whatever, if I was able to see him. I just kept, and still do, finding little ways to say and show that I am still here, I still love you, but I won't tolerate your decisions, your abuse, your lifestyle, and so forth. I think its a big decision to go into detachment. Looking back, I wish I would chosen detachment, rather than to be forced to detach. That new phrase of ..I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't control it. It really means a lot. It also might be a terrible thing to say, but since I've been through it already with 2 of my 3, I think I have already detached in some ways with my youngest. If I avoid the fight with STBX, the "air" is clear to see the real problems. If I fight with STBX, the fight becomes the ONLY problem. I also beleive that youngest detached from her siblings and father better than I did. She did it naturally of course. Middle daughter needed to vocalize when she detached. Everyone handles it a little bit differently than someone else. My oldest went to dad's after being charged with domestic battery, my next one went to dad's after they attempted to charge me with domestic battery against her, dad added a motion for custody of the last her and youngest. I struggle nonstop with the decisions of allowing youngest to be in their (father and siblings) care. It is very hard to teach a child to love their siblings and father BUT protect them at the same time. The Order of Protection helps ward of the worries of sexual and physical abuse. I know I did everything that I could, but sadly it was not enough. I've learned that enablers are everywhere. In church, at the neighbors, lifetime childhood friends, siblings, grandparents, teachers and so forth. And in my opinion, you will never be able to help anyone with enablers nearby. Detachment helps with enablers and gives you the peace of mind you need. I wish you luck and I hope to hear more from you. Make a plan and you will feel a lot better. (Hugs) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot
Top