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New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 354362" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Gosh what a awful mix of a mess you are in. I'm so "in the know" about the parent alienation thing, as well as a kid who thought his dad walked on water (even though his dad was only trying to "best" me, and had zero interest in our son). I hear you on not wanting to pay support, but supposedly willing to parent full time (which equates to letting the kid run wild and providing a roof, bed, meals and not much else). </p><p></p><p>I wish I had answers for you. Sadly I don't. In the end things worked out for me but it was a heck of a hard long road. I made a decision I thought I would regret but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I relented, let my difficult child move with his dad. I told him any and all contact must be positive, any nasty language, abusive dialogue, rants, etc would involve me hanging up the phone or asking him to go back to dads if he was visiting in person. And I stuck to it. His 13th birthday was my first in person visit with him after 3 months of him living with his father. I had the gifts (and early easter gifts), a birthday cake, his favorite meal. We had all of 10 minutes together before I had to ask him to leave. He raged. But I stuck to my guns. No abusive language or talk in my home. Period. He was fit to be tied as he left, I just told him I loved him and would be here when he wanted a healthy visit. He left, I cried my heart out. I stared at his gifts all wrapped (didn't let him touch them, can't be nice for 10 minutes after 3 months absence? They'll keep until he gets some respect), his cake uncut. It was horrible.</p><p></p><p>A year was how long it took. His dad let him run wild. He had police involvement. He was smoking a LOT of pot. Cigs. Skipping school (and failing all classes). No supervision. Christmas day he cranked called with a friend all day, spewing such foul filth that I had my cell phone disconnected afterwards. About a year into this mess, he was to come visit for his little sisters birthday party. I told him if he acted out in ANY manner during her birthday, I would cut ALL contact because enough was enough. He attended, it went well. We had a weekend visit. I threw him out first night for smoking in my house. He came back the next weekend (didn't bring cigs). It was allright. Not alot of communication but no fights, nothing ugly. We kept it up. He asked to come home after about 4-5 of these weekends. I told him no. He wanted to rage, but didn't. He was angry and demanded to know why. I told him he made his choice. And I was sorry the grass wasn't greener with dad. But that in all my sense of loss that year, his sister and I also learned how to live without CHAOS and we *gasp* LIKED it. And we were NEVER going through that nightmare again in this home. He said he'd do better. I said he had to do better than "better", he had to do "right". Be a part of this family, accept my parenting, my house rules, participate in this family. We didn't talk about it again. He stayed away a few weekends. He came back, and about a month later had a middle of the night breakdown (he NEVER cried!! But that night, like a baby). We stayed up all night talking. I could see he meant what he said, he really was ready. I just knew. He didn't ask to come back either. But I knew he was ready. He admitted his police problems at his dads, lack of supervision, smoking, pot, idiot friends etc. I still can't forget his voice cracking, crying, saying "Mom, I've done such bad stuff". He was broken and lonely and so craving a parent at that age. He wanted to think he was tough and could be independent, but in the end, he was just a messed up kid and wanted someone to give a hoot.</p><p></p><p>I told him that night that he wasn't going back to his dads, and he didn't. I made it clear that I wasn't messing around. This was a one shot deal. Not that I didn't love him same as always, but never again would his sis and I live in that world he made us live in for so many years. And he hasn't let me down. He's 17 now. A well behaved teen, soon to be young man. Hasn't betrayed my trust. Has honored and respected my rules, myself, his sister, our home and family. He is happy like he hadn't been since a young boy. Smiles and laughs. He tells me now the best thing I could have done was what I did, call him on his belief that things would be better at his dads, let him go, and stop putting up with his BS. He tells me even still that I wouldn't have worried so much if I had realized that you can't undo the parenting he had in his younger years. He knew right from wrong, he knew I loved him, he knew his dad was deadbeat, he knew he was in the wrong. In the end, his regret is it took him so long to tak ehis head out of his butt.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying that this would work for every child or family. In fact it might be the worst decision for some. But I think sometimes we have to be non traditional in our approaches when our hands truly do get tied. </p><p></p><p>I will say to you that something I find very important is to remember: We are their parents, we do our very best. We love them, teach them, guide them. But in the end, they are their own people. Their own individuals. And we don't ultimately have much say in the people that they become. We can't beat ourselves up if they mess up, we can't blame ourselves, and sometimes we have to choose between choices that make no sense. There isn't always a "good choice". Sometimes, if a kids going to just keep screwing it up, we have to opt to get off the rollercoaster ourselves, take our other children off that horrible ride. And let our child have natural consequences. Sometimes it seems like we are throwing in the towel (to outsiders) when really we are opting to let our kids mess up somewhere else, while we take a deep breath, rest our weary selves, and learn to live without drama and chaos again. And in doing so, sometimes we gain perspective on how to approach and reach out to our wayward kids. Sometimes ending hte daily battle can actually strengthen the bond we have lost with our kid. And sometimes, this helps our kids come back to us, tail between their legs, looking for that security and love and home they know we offer. But to do so again, is to do it on OUR terms. Sometimes we need that distance to be able to enforce to these kids that they DO NOT get to dictate the terms. Ending their control in our homes for a while can sometimes help them come back later and accept OUR terms, which is the way it is meant to be.</p><p></p><p>Regardless of what route you take with your son, I'm very sorry for your pain. I do totally empathize with you. I don't know how I made it through myself. I do know now though, looking back, had I not taken the path I did, things might not be the way they are today. If we hadn't broken that awful cycle in this home, we wouldn't have the family bonds and happiness we have now. </p><p></p><p>Stay strong and take care of YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 354362, member: 4264"] Gosh what a awful mix of a mess you are in. I'm so "in the know" about the parent alienation thing, as well as a kid who thought his dad walked on water (even though his dad was only trying to "best" me, and had zero interest in our son). I hear you on not wanting to pay support, but supposedly willing to parent full time (which equates to letting the kid run wild and providing a roof, bed, meals and not much else). I wish I had answers for you. Sadly I don't. In the end things worked out for me but it was a heck of a hard long road. I made a decision I thought I would regret but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I relented, let my difficult child move with his dad. I told him any and all contact must be positive, any nasty language, abusive dialogue, rants, etc would involve me hanging up the phone or asking him to go back to dads if he was visiting in person. And I stuck to it. His 13th birthday was my first in person visit with him after 3 months of him living with his father. I had the gifts (and early easter gifts), a birthday cake, his favorite meal. We had all of 10 minutes together before I had to ask him to leave. He raged. But I stuck to my guns. No abusive language or talk in my home. Period. He was fit to be tied as he left, I just told him I loved him and would be here when he wanted a healthy visit. He left, I cried my heart out. I stared at his gifts all wrapped (didn't let him touch them, can't be nice for 10 minutes after 3 months absence? They'll keep until he gets some respect), his cake uncut. It was horrible. A year was how long it took. His dad let him run wild. He had police involvement. He was smoking a LOT of pot. Cigs. Skipping school (and failing all classes). No supervision. Christmas day he cranked called with a friend all day, spewing such foul filth that I had my cell phone disconnected afterwards. About a year into this mess, he was to come visit for his little sisters birthday party. I told him if he acted out in ANY manner during her birthday, I would cut ALL contact because enough was enough. He attended, it went well. We had a weekend visit. I threw him out first night for smoking in my house. He came back the next weekend (didn't bring cigs). It was allright. Not alot of communication but no fights, nothing ugly. We kept it up. He asked to come home after about 4-5 of these weekends. I told him no. He wanted to rage, but didn't. He was angry and demanded to know why. I told him he made his choice. And I was sorry the grass wasn't greener with dad. But that in all my sense of loss that year, his sister and I also learned how to live without CHAOS and we *gasp* LIKED it. And we were NEVER going through that nightmare again in this home. He said he'd do better. I said he had to do better than "better", he had to do "right". Be a part of this family, accept my parenting, my house rules, participate in this family. We didn't talk about it again. He stayed away a few weekends. He came back, and about a month later had a middle of the night breakdown (he NEVER cried!! But that night, like a baby). We stayed up all night talking. I could see he meant what he said, he really was ready. I just knew. He didn't ask to come back either. But I knew he was ready. He admitted his police problems at his dads, lack of supervision, smoking, pot, idiot friends etc. I still can't forget his voice cracking, crying, saying "Mom, I've done such bad stuff". He was broken and lonely and so craving a parent at that age. He wanted to think he was tough and could be independent, but in the end, he was just a messed up kid and wanted someone to give a hoot. I told him that night that he wasn't going back to his dads, and he didn't. I made it clear that I wasn't messing around. This was a one shot deal. Not that I didn't love him same as always, but never again would his sis and I live in that world he made us live in for so many years. And he hasn't let me down. He's 17 now. A well behaved teen, soon to be young man. Hasn't betrayed my trust. Has honored and respected my rules, myself, his sister, our home and family. He is happy like he hadn't been since a young boy. Smiles and laughs. He tells me now the best thing I could have done was what I did, call him on his belief that things would be better at his dads, let him go, and stop putting up with his BS. He tells me even still that I wouldn't have worried so much if I had realized that you can't undo the parenting he had in his younger years. He knew right from wrong, he knew I loved him, he knew his dad was deadbeat, he knew he was in the wrong. In the end, his regret is it took him so long to tak ehis head out of his butt. I'm not saying that this would work for every child or family. In fact it might be the worst decision for some. But I think sometimes we have to be non traditional in our approaches when our hands truly do get tied. I will say to you that something I find very important is to remember: We are their parents, we do our very best. We love them, teach them, guide them. But in the end, they are their own people. Their own individuals. And we don't ultimately have much say in the people that they become. We can't beat ourselves up if they mess up, we can't blame ourselves, and sometimes we have to choose between choices that make no sense. There isn't always a "good choice". Sometimes, if a kids going to just keep screwing it up, we have to opt to get off the rollercoaster ourselves, take our other children off that horrible ride. And let our child have natural consequences. Sometimes it seems like we are throwing in the towel (to outsiders) when really we are opting to let our kids mess up somewhere else, while we take a deep breath, rest our weary selves, and learn to live without drama and chaos again. And in doing so, sometimes we gain perspective on how to approach and reach out to our wayward kids. Sometimes ending hte daily battle can actually strengthen the bond we have lost with our kid. And sometimes, this helps our kids come back to us, tail between their legs, looking for that security and love and home they know we offer. But to do so again, is to do it on OUR terms. Sometimes we need that distance to be able to enforce to these kids that they DO NOT get to dictate the terms. Ending their control in our homes for a while can sometimes help them come back later and accept OUR terms, which is the way it is meant to be. Regardless of what route you take with your son, I'm very sorry for your pain. I do totally empathize with you. I don't know how I made it through myself. I do know now though, looking back, had I not taken the path I did, things might not be the way they are today. If we hadn't broken that awful cycle in this home, we wouldn't have the family bonds and happiness we have now. Stay strong and take care of YOU. [/QUOTE]
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