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New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 354930" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Claire, </p><p></p><p>Hi. Since I don't know ya, I'm Star. Long time board member - seemingly life time sufferer from idiot marriage syndrome, difficult child child, then I got into counseling for oh I dunno 15 years, got my head screwed mostly on straight, and well....here I am milling along right along with everyone else. So. The first thing I see here? YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT. None, NADA, zippppppoooooooo. ('cept for us and we're super, but not THERE) You sound exhausted to a degree that (exhale) wow....been there done that and recognize it so well. You need some help. Like right now. I'm not talking about a sister or a Mother or a neighbor or even a best friend because well - when you start telling THOSE people about things like this over and over and over - it's like the round booth at the restaurant.....they sit next to you, then they scooch, scooch, scooch, and eventually - they get up and leave you. No one you are related to or that KNOWS your kids really (and honestly) wants to hear about your problems. NOR are they trained to give you unbiased solutions, answers. I mean think about it....when you talk about your drug addicted controlling X.....do you think that ANY of your friends are really going to EVER see his side of it? And honestly? The man has a side. He's not 110% bad all the time. Even though 150% of ME would believe that you are correct in everything you tell me - and I know because I married and divorced Satan - and he was 110% bad all the time. (slaps head what was I thinking?) There are points in time that he will make that you are going to have to agree with BECAUSE if you don't? Then you divide further parental boundaries and give your child a chance to play the game even more. (Yeah now it hits ya. - me too it really was frustrating.) </p><p></p><p>So....YOU are frustrated, YOU are worn out, YOU are tired, YOU are working, YOU are trying to hold everything together, YOU are being Mom, YOU are being Dad, YOU are cooking, YOU are cleaning, YOU are referee, YOU are chauffeur, YOU are laundress, YOU are shopper, YOU are handyman, YOU are bill payer, YOU are EVERYTHING.....and along comes this 13 year old kid and WHAM.....HE doesn't appreciate a single thing you do....and on top of that? He tells you YOU STINK. Nice.....So while you're fighting the natives, and holding down the fort....he's out doing drugs and making a complete mess of his life when he SHOULD be helping further exacerbating an already stressful situation? YOU ............what? YOU talk to him in a rational tone? YOU yell at him in a ridiculous screech only owls could hear? I don't know about you but when I had to deal with drug addiction for the first time - First thing I did was cry, then want to change him with love....then get frustrated because all my love couldn't change him, then get angry because my stuff was getting stolen, then get angry because the person I love was ruining their life, then my life, then OUR life, then it got to the point I got complacent and just wished if he was going to ruin his life he'd do it away from my life...then several suicide attempts for attention later? I got numb....and finally I left. I still kept a window of hope open thinking if I left THAT would matter, THAT would make the change THAT would be the ultimate message - I took his son and left. Nooooooope. Couldn't have cared less. Just kept doing what he wanted to do - drugs. He lost = his home, job, wife, son, everything...and still picked drugs over it all. How do you compete with that? </p><p></p><p>You don't. How do you (as a person who loves someone who is doing drugs SAVE someone from drugs?) </p><p>Million dollar question. My answer to you would be - you save yourself first, in as much as - Getting yourself into counseling so that you can deal with your life first. And don't sell yourself short to me or anyone else by being tough and saying "I've done this much this far and I can......." yeah, yeah, yeah....we all have a story and if I told you mine your teeth would fall out too. The point I'm making is YOU are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in YOUR world and no one else is going to take care of you.....BUT YOU. If you take care of yourself first, then you'll be better ABLE to deal with what your son is going to throw at you. Could be he's an angry young man who smokes pot....and just smokes pot, goes and lives with his Dad, realizes that that's a bad situation, comes home to you and says "I'm sorry I was such a turd Mom." then that's the end of it. Wouldn't that be nice? </p><p>Well it could be that he goes to his Dads, smokes dope, gets into bigger things....makes a mess of his life - and really needs SOMEONE to be strong for him. What then? Where is YOUR head going to be when you get a call that says BEP needs you to take him back? BEP needs you to come get him from XX place. BEP needs you to send him cash, drive to X and pick him up? (maybe you get there and he begs you for money?) Maybe he's in the hospital getting his stomach pumped out and you have some tough decisions to make about where to go from there. ---Is this something that your Mom or girlfriends help you with? How prepared are you for this? How do you get detached to deal with this? How do you find a place in your heart to go so you can stand up and say "YOU CAN NOT COME HERE NO MATTER WHAT?" or have a plan ready so that if he does come back to you - and is so violent he threatens to hit you - you can pick up the phone and call 911, or you know pretty much where you will draw your line in the sand and how NOT to react to his "in your face" attitude. </p><p></p><p>Claire - how do you think....I'm able to ask you these things? Because it can't happen? Or because it CAN and has happened to a lot of us here? I'm so sorry, but dealing with pot is the least of what you're going through. I'm not all about that - it's a gateway drug business, but there's a lot of healing that has to go on with so many other dynamics in your house that I can see....that right now? Pot is low man on the totem pole or peace pipe..take your pick. </p><p></p><p>We're here - I'm usually not in the Alcohol and Drug forum - but I saw this and wanted to lend an ear or some support and advice. It's just my very humble opinion - but I think the suggestion of going to any of the ANON's meetings (i personally got the most out of Narcanon as far as learning) and getting yourself into a good therapist is going to be tantamount to helping to being the healing. I do know this - YOU can't fix him. You can't MAKE him stop smoking. The more you buck against it? The more he'll do it for spite. YOU CAN.....make rules to protect your home and establish boundaries for yourself. You CAN learn how to be indifferent to his attitude and "Oh so what?" without saying a word to him. Learn how to level the playing field and fight fair....like an adult. You can LEARN how to STOP trying to be Dad, how to STOP feeling sorry for him that he doesn't HAVE a Dad, and how to start KNOWING THAT YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AS A MOM A WOMAN AND A PROVIDER. (once I get to know you better I'll add CD friend) </p><p></p><p>I'm VERY glad you are here. Just being here says a lot about your courage. I think you have tons! </p><p>Come back and talk to us. </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 354930, member: 4964"] Claire, Hi. Since I don't know ya, I'm Star. Long time board member - seemingly life time sufferer from idiot marriage syndrome, difficult child child, then I got into counseling for oh I dunno 15 years, got my head screwed mostly on straight, and well....here I am milling along right along with everyone else. So. The first thing I see here? YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT. None, NADA, zippppppoooooooo. ('cept for us and we're super, but not THERE) You sound exhausted to a degree that (exhale) wow....been there done that and recognize it so well. You need some help. Like right now. I'm not talking about a sister or a Mother or a neighbor or even a best friend because well - when you start telling THOSE people about things like this over and over and over - it's like the round booth at the restaurant.....they sit next to you, then they scooch, scooch, scooch, and eventually - they get up and leave you. No one you are related to or that KNOWS your kids really (and honestly) wants to hear about your problems. NOR are they trained to give you unbiased solutions, answers. I mean think about it....when you talk about your drug addicted controlling X.....do you think that ANY of your friends are really going to EVER see his side of it? And honestly? The man has a side. He's not 110% bad all the time. Even though 150% of ME would believe that you are correct in everything you tell me - and I know because I married and divorced Satan - and he was 110% bad all the time. (slaps head what was I thinking?) There are points in time that he will make that you are going to have to agree with BECAUSE if you don't? Then you divide further parental boundaries and give your child a chance to play the game even more. (Yeah now it hits ya. - me too it really was frustrating.) So....YOU are frustrated, YOU are worn out, YOU are tired, YOU are working, YOU are trying to hold everything together, YOU are being Mom, YOU are being Dad, YOU are cooking, YOU are cleaning, YOU are referee, YOU are chauffeur, YOU are laundress, YOU are shopper, YOU are handyman, YOU are bill payer, YOU are EVERYTHING.....and along comes this 13 year old kid and WHAM.....HE doesn't appreciate a single thing you do....and on top of that? He tells you YOU STINK. Nice.....So while you're fighting the natives, and holding down the fort....he's out doing drugs and making a complete mess of his life when he SHOULD be helping further exacerbating an already stressful situation? YOU ............what? YOU talk to him in a rational tone? YOU yell at him in a ridiculous screech only owls could hear? I don't know about you but when I had to deal with drug addiction for the first time - First thing I did was cry, then want to change him with love....then get frustrated because all my love couldn't change him, then get angry because my stuff was getting stolen, then get angry because the person I love was ruining their life, then my life, then OUR life, then it got to the point I got complacent and just wished if he was going to ruin his life he'd do it away from my life...then several suicide attempts for attention later? I got numb....and finally I left. I still kept a window of hope open thinking if I left THAT would matter, THAT would make the change THAT would be the ultimate message - I took his son and left. Nooooooope. Couldn't have cared less. Just kept doing what he wanted to do - drugs. He lost = his home, job, wife, son, everything...and still picked drugs over it all. How do you compete with that? You don't. How do you (as a person who loves someone who is doing drugs SAVE someone from drugs?) Million dollar question. My answer to you would be - you save yourself first, in as much as - Getting yourself into counseling so that you can deal with your life first. And don't sell yourself short to me or anyone else by being tough and saying "I've done this much this far and I can......." yeah, yeah, yeah....we all have a story and if I told you mine your teeth would fall out too. The point I'm making is YOU are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in YOUR world and no one else is going to take care of you.....BUT YOU. If you take care of yourself first, then you'll be better ABLE to deal with what your son is going to throw at you. Could be he's an angry young man who smokes pot....and just smokes pot, goes and lives with his Dad, realizes that that's a bad situation, comes home to you and says "I'm sorry I was such a turd Mom." then that's the end of it. Wouldn't that be nice? Well it could be that he goes to his Dads, smokes dope, gets into bigger things....makes a mess of his life - and really needs SOMEONE to be strong for him. What then? Where is YOUR head going to be when you get a call that says BEP needs you to take him back? BEP needs you to come get him from XX place. BEP needs you to send him cash, drive to X and pick him up? (maybe you get there and he begs you for money?) Maybe he's in the hospital getting his stomach pumped out and you have some tough decisions to make about where to go from there. ---Is this something that your Mom or girlfriends help you with? How prepared are you for this? How do you get detached to deal with this? How do you find a place in your heart to go so you can stand up and say "YOU CAN NOT COME HERE NO MATTER WHAT?" or have a plan ready so that if he does come back to you - and is so violent he threatens to hit you - you can pick up the phone and call 911, or you know pretty much where you will draw your line in the sand and how NOT to react to his "in your face" attitude. Claire - how do you think....I'm able to ask you these things? Because it can't happen? Or because it CAN and has happened to a lot of us here? I'm so sorry, but dealing with pot is the least of what you're going through. I'm not all about that - it's a gateway drug business, but there's a lot of healing that has to go on with so many other dynamics in your house that I can see....that right now? Pot is low man on the totem pole or peace pipe..take your pick. We're here - I'm usually not in the Alcohol and Drug forum - but I saw this and wanted to lend an ear or some support and advice. It's just my very humble opinion - but I think the suggestion of going to any of the ANON's meetings (i personally got the most out of Narcanon as far as learning) and getting yourself into a good therapist is going to be tantamount to helping to being the healing. I do know this - YOU can't fix him. You can't MAKE him stop smoking. The more you buck against it? The more he'll do it for spite. YOU CAN.....make rules to protect your home and establish boundaries for yourself. You CAN learn how to be indifferent to his attitude and "Oh so what?" without saying a word to him. Learn how to level the playing field and fight fair....like an adult. You can LEARN how to STOP trying to be Dad, how to STOP feeling sorry for him that he doesn't HAVE a Dad, and how to start KNOWING THAT YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AS A MOM A WOMAN AND A PROVIDER. (once I get to know you better I'll add CD friend) I'm VERY glad you are here. Just being here says a lot about your courage. I think you have tons! Come back and talk to us. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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