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New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot
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<blockquote data-quote="helpme" data-source="post: 358378" data-attributes="member: 8202"><p><strong>ditto-BUT you/we took responsibility for our mistakes and did our best to make them better!</strong></p><p></p><p><strong>And I'd bet the farm you are doing a great job <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong></strong> <strong>BEST of luck to you!</strong> Wish I could go too!</p><p></p><p>Claireisma,</p><p>I don't know if this mentality might help you, but maybe it will. When I first starting</p><p>going through what you were I was an absolute mess. There was no doubt about</p><p>it. I was going to fight for my son to get better no matter what. But what mattered</p><p>most was the girls. I could see my son getting wilder and I knew that all I could do</p><p>is make my life as stable as possible, because I knew I was still setting an example</p><p>to him. I was going to choose to embrace the kids and life I had wanted. Yes, its</p><p>very hard alright. But it proved my point that I could change and my lifestyle could</p><p>change, therefor showing difficult child that he could do the same. And for the girls, they</p><p>could also make better choices than I, and they did not have to tolerate such </p><p>behavior either. But you have to remember, with or without our own mistakes as</p><p>parent, they might have chosen the same turmoil they are living within right now.</p><p>There is nothing, absolutely nothing we could do to change that. And if we dwell</p><p>on the guilt, or the regret of that, we continue to enable and show a poor example</p><p>of living.</p><p></p><p>No, he doesn't have to be a drug addict, but HE is choosing his choices.</p><p></p><p>As far as the husband (and maybe son's behavior) to and with you, </p><p>I'd definitely start making a stand.</p><p>Figure out a statement (from the most important goal you need to achieve</p><p>with them) and repeat it over and over and over. </p><p></p><p>An example,</p><p>I will not be talked to in this manner. When you are calm, please call me.</p><p></p><p>Another example,</p><p>I do not cuss at you. Please do not cuss at me. </p><p>Or Please do not cuss in front of the children.</p><p></p><p>Stand by your statements, and the minute you gets out of line, stop! Hang up!</p><p>Make simple statements that your other children will remember during their</p><p>childhood, and so it "sets in".</p><p></p><p>Repeat the same statement to the other kids. Add sentences such as</p><p>I don't want you tolerating anyone talking or treating you like that. Younger</p><p>ones can hear something like, would you want your son or husband talking</p><p>to you like that? I don't want that for you. I am your example. I will do</p><p>my best to show you that is not right and I don't want you being treated</p><p>like that or treating anyone else like that. </p><p></p><p>I will not be talked to in this manner. When HE is calm, he may call me.</p><p></p><p>You might also add a line such as, I am story you think you are able</p><p>to talk to me like this/that. Or I am sorry you have learned to act like this.</p><p>Or I am sorry I didn't teach you correctly.</p><p></p><p>Try to keep these statements short though,</p><p>as difficult child's need to Keep It Simple.</p><p></p><p>Then go a step further, such as, learning to evaluate his "condition" when he</p><p>does call. Attempting to be objective is very difficult, but if you learn to detach,</p><p>it is the easiest thing ever. You will see his irrationalities better than you ever</p><p>could have dreamed of. It will give you strength to handle even bigger problems.</p><p>Break the first goal of cussing at me, and we will repeat it until the day I/WE die.</p><p></p><p> That lands you in detachment directly! It is very very difficult. As you have heard</p><p>here, children die of overdoes, accidents, end up in jail, pregnant and other terrible</p><p>life stuff happens every day.</p><p></p><p>Try my example in small form and</p><p>you will lead yourself directly into attachment without fighting it, like so many</p><p>(myself included) have done.</p><p></p><p>If necessary, wash, rinse, and repeat.</p><p></p><p>If you achieve him talking to you in a nice manner, move to the next goal or</p><p>objective. Praise and reward yourself, praise difficult child/husband to your other kids, </p><p>and get ready for the next goal.</p><p></p><p>You will accidentally find yourself, making goals and rewards for yourself and</p><p>everyone around you. You will learn to detach and make objective, unbiased</p><p>decisions, based on difficult child or whomever. You will find yourself planing, having</p><p>a top plan, a backup plan, and an emergency plan for things you never</p><p>even realized before. </p><p></p><p>Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we</p><p>broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and</p><p>kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial</p><p>to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We</p><p>forgot where to draw the line. </p><p></p><p>Good luck to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="helpme, post: 358378, member: 8202"] [B]ditto-BUT you/we took responsibility for our mistakes and did our best to make them better![/B] [B]And I'd bet the farm you are doing a great job :) [/B] [B]BEST of luck to you![/B] Wish I could go too! Claireisma, I don't know if this mentality might help you, but maybe it will. When I first starting going through what you were I was an absolute mess. There was no doubt about it. I was going to fight for my son to get better no matter what. But what mattered most was the girls. I could see my son getting wilder and I knew that all I could do is make my life as stable as possible, because I knew I was still setting an example to him. I was going to choose to embrace the kids and life I had wanted. Yes, its very hard alright. But it proved my point that I could change and my lifestyle could change, therefor showing difficult child that he could do the same. And for the girls, they could also make better choices than I, and they did not have to tolerate such behavior either. But you have to remember, with or without our own mistakes as parent, they might have chosen the same turmoil they are living within right now. There is nothing, absolutely nothing we could do to change that. And if we dwell on the guilt, or the regret of that, we continue to enable and show a poor example of living. No, he doesn't have to be a drug addict, but HE is choosing his choices. As far as the husband (and maybe son's behavior) to and with you, I'd definitely start making a stand. Figure out a statement (from the most important goal you need to achieve with them) and repeat it over and over and over. An example, I will not be talked to in this manner. When you are calm, please call me. Another example, I do not cuss at you. Please do not cuss at me. Or Please do not cuss in front of the children. Stand by your statements, and the minute you gets out of line, stop! Hang up! Make simple statements that your other children will remember during their childhood, and so it "sets in". Repeat the same statement to the other kids. Add sentences such as I don't want you tolerating anyone talking or treating you like that. Younger ones can hear something like, would you want your son or husband talking to you like that? I don't want that for you. I am your example. I will do my best to show you that is not right and I don't want you being treated like that or treating anyone else like that. I will not be talked to in this manner. When HE is calm, he may call me. You might also add a line such as, I am story you think you are able to talk to me like this/that. Or I am sorry you have learned to act like this. Or I am sorry I didn't teach you correctly. Try to keep these statements short though, as difficult child's need to Keep It Simple. Then go a step further, such as, learning to evaluate his "condition" when he does call. Attempting to be objective is very difficult, but if you learn to detach, it is the easiest thing ever. You will see his irrationalities better than you ever could have dreamed of. It will give you strength to handle even bigger problems. Break the first goal of cussing at me, and we will repeat it until the day I/WE die. That lands you in detachment directly! It is very very difficult. As you have heard here, children die of overdoes, accidents, end up in jail, pregnant and other terrible life stuff happens every day. Try my example in small form and you will lead yourself directly into attachment without fighting it, like so many (myself included) have done. If necessary, wash, rinse, and repeat. If you achieve him talking to you in a nice manner, move to the next goal or objective. Praise and reward yourself, praise difficult child/husband to your other kids, and get ready for the next goal. You will accidentally find yourself, making goals and rewards for yourself and everyone around you. You will learn to detach and make objective, unbiased decisions, based on difficult child or whomever. You will find yourself planing, having a top plan, a backup plan, and an emergency plan for things you never even realized before. Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We forgot where to draw the line. Good luck to you. [/QUOTE]
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