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New here just need to vent
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 613301" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. Glad you found us, b ut sorry you had to. Is there substance abuse involved? </p><p></p><p>I t00 have a son who suffers from mental illness, but is too dangerous and mean when angry to live with us...ever. He is 36. Fortunately, he is functional in some ways and can support himself because he couldn't live with either me or his father, my ex. </p><p></p><p>I am really sorry about your hurting mommy heart. All of us have been there/done this. Your son is making a conscious decision not to take his medication. I also have a mood disorder (see signature below) and know that I have no choice if I want to be well. And even that isn't enough...I need therapy tune-ups. Your son is an adult and his poor decisions about his health condition are HIS choices and you should not have to suffer because of them nor should his young sibling. </p><p></p><p>I don't know your age, but, like me, it can't be really young. I've learned to value my own life regardless of what is going on with my adult kids. It's fine to love your son, but to detach from him...something that takes time, but usually we figure out on our own. Detachment means not buying into the drama a nd not helping the poor choices our adult kids make by giving them our retirement to "help" them or to letting them into our world if they are being abusive. We are welcoming if they choose to help themselves in a healthy way, but we don't enable them when they deliberately self-destruct. I assume your son gets social security? If not, there are lots of government programs for him, including housing, although if he is blacklisted from hotels because of his behavior, he probably would also get on a blacklist for housing too. But this is because he is refusing treatment. You can't control your son. You can only control yourself and, although it takes time to realize, you can and should have a rich fulfilling life with your loved ones who are capable of giving back to you, as well as your friends, your activities and your hobbies, in spite of your son's poor choices. It's not easy, but if you don't do it, you will be seventy years old and he'll be fifty and you'll still be sick over him. And you deserve wonderful Golden Years. You matter as much as he does, separately from him. You are not the same person as he is. Too many of us link ourselves to what our grown children do. That makes it hard for us to let go.</p><p></p><p>Do you see a therapist for yourself? Have you ever been to a meeting for The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)? Look them up. They have help for family members of the mentally ill as well as for the mentally ill. If drugs are involved, you can go to Nar-Anon too. This way you will get help, make invaluable friends, and learn how to slowly let go. You don't have to be religious to benefit from learning how to let go. </p><p></p><p>Others will come along, although it may be a bit slow this holiday weekend. I just get up early and always check the board, even if it's a holiday. Maybe it would help to read the thread "What Does Detachment Mean to You?"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 613301, member: 1550"] Hi there. Glad you found us, b ut sorry you had to. Is there substance abuse involved? I t00 have a son who suffers from mental illness, but is too dangerous and mean when angry to live with us...ever. He is 36. Fortunately, he is functional in some ways and can support himself because he couldn't live with either me or his father, my ex. I am really sorry about your hurting mommy heart. All of us have been there/done this. Your son is making a conscious decision not to take his medication. I also have a mood disorder (see signature below) and know that I have no choice if I want to be well. And even that isn't enough...I need therapy tune-ups. Your son is an adult and his poor decisions about his health condition are HIS choices and you should not have to suffer because of them nor should his young sibling. I don't know your age, but, like me, it can't be really young. I've learned to value my own life regardless of what is going on with my adult kids. It's fine to love your son, but to detach from him...something that takes time, but usually we figure out on our own. Detachment means not buying into the drama a nd not helping the poor choices our adult kids make by giving them our retirement to "help" them or to letting them into our world if they are being abusive. We are welcoming if they choose to help themselves in a healthy way, but we don't enable them when they deliberately self-destruct. I assume your son gets social security? If not, there are lots of government programs for him, including housing, although if he is blacklisted from hotels because of his behavior, he probably would also get on a blacklist for housing too. But this is because he is refusing treatment. You can't control your son. You can only control yourself and, although it takes time to realize, you can and should have a rich fulfilling life with your loved ones who are capable of giving back to you, as well as your friends, your activities and your hobbies, in spite of your son's poor choices. It's not easy, but if you don't do it, you will be seventy years old and he'll be fifty and you'll still be sick over him. And you deserve wonderful Golden Years. You matter as much as he does, separately from him. You are not the same person as he is. Too many of us link ourselves to what our grown children do. That makes it hard for us to let go. Do you see a therapist for yourself? Have you ever been to a meeting for The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)? Look them up. They have help for family members of the mentally ill as well as for the mentally ill. If drugs are involved, you can go to Nar-Anon too. This way you will get help, make invaluable friends, and learn how to slowly let go. You don't have to be religious to benefit from learning how to let go. Others will come along, although it may be a bit slow this holiday weekend. I just get up early and always check the board, even if it's a holiday. Maybe it would help to read the thread "What Does Detachment Mean to You?" [/QUOTE]
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