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new here... long but opinions wanted
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 103175" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. I hear you. We went through this too. I feel I know your child.</p><p></p><p>My 2c worth - </p><p></p><p>* Get her tested. Fast. neuropsychologist. There are a number of possibilities, but high on the list to be considered, I would put Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. This is screaming at me, this sounds so familiar.</p><p></p><p>* Get "The Explosive Child". Fast. Read it. PM me if you want an advance, private, review of the book to give you a heads up and some early tips. You need this book. The principal needs this book. It isn't a cure, but it might help.</p><p></p><p>* DO NOT PUNISH WHAT SHE CANNOT CONTROL. The purpose of punishment is to help teach the child that certain behaviours are unacceptable and will be met with negative consequences; the eventual aim to reduce the negative behaviours and bring about improvement. Is it working? No? Then why is it not working? Think about how it all connects together.</p><p>Bad behaviour - is it deliberate? Can the child stop him/herself? Or is the child simply out of control?</p><p>The next thing to consider - does the child know what is the correct behaviour? If so, then why the bad behaviour? </p><p>In general, a very bright but badly behaved child who has other issues beginning to really be seen - they know what is right and how they should behave. They really do know. But in the heat of the moment, they lose control. Punishing afterwards - they're often already punishing themselves for losing control, especially if you handle discipline the right way and reinforce this. You don't need to take anything away, they have got the message. But getting the message, and preventing the next meltdown - a long way apart. Punishment will not increase their success in maintaining control when frustrated. Again, read "The Explosive Child". Kids like this generally do a lot worse behaviourally with the sort of discipline methods which worked so well on us and which are considered the benchmark. And if it's not working, find another way.</p><p></p><p>* Please, NEVER AGAIN use the term "act out". Message for everybody - I think this is a term foisted on us parents by teachers/caregivers who see any 'misbehaviour' as under the control of the child, deliberate, malevolent and indicative of deep problems at home. Instead, I feel we should use the term "misbehave" because that does not imply deliberate control. Better still, refer to "behaviour problems" or "tantrums". But "act out" is a misleading euphemism, in my book. Sorry to sound so harsh - it's just that I've heard it used too often to downplay the urgency of getting help for a child who simply isn't coping. "Oh she doesn't really have a problem, she's just acting out." Acting WHAT out? What does it really mean, anyway?</p><p></p><p>I think your daughter has Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) issues affecting what she is prepared to eat. You need to negotiate with them about her breakfast. You shouldn't bulldoze through what the school wants, nor should you insist she "eats up like a good little girl" if it really is a big issue for her. This will only lead to bigger problems for you as she gets older. There ARE ways of encouraging her to diversify her exposure to other foods, but force is not the way. In many ways with these kids, force is NEVER the way. You will lose.</p><p></p><p>I also think she has major issues with task-changing. She needs to be allowed some leeway to progress at her own pace (faster, if necessary) and also some warning of task-change. For example, "Sharon, in five minutes we will be finishing with our colouring and putting our books away to go outside to play. Get ready to finish; maybe close your book sooner if you finish sooner." They need support to task-change, not force or ultimatums. An egg-timer can help, the ones with sand in them. The only problem here - she might get engrossed in watching the sand and not get ANY work done!</p><p></p><p>And an advance tip from "The Explosive Child" - you, and the school, need to watch and study her to see what sets her off - then do your utmost to head off a tantrum BEFORE it happens. Never expect her behaviour to be age-appropriate (forget "You should have grown out of that by now" because it just isn't appropriate for a lot of difficult children). They do eventually 'get it' but not at the same age as others, no matter how much smarter in other areas they seem to be.</p><p>An example - she's about to run outside in the snow, with no coat on. You COULD stop her and force her arms into a coat, but she could begin to rage. Or you COULD say to her, "You need to put a coat on first because it's really cold outside," and insist until she gets angry at being delayed and you get a meltdown. You COULD say, "Do you want your red coat or your blue coat?" and give her a choice - she's at least wearing A coat, now. Or you COULD say, "Put your coat on," but stop insisting because you can see that if you do, you will get a meltdown. Instead, you let her go out in the cold without having forced the issue - she will very soon be back for her coat - her own choice - because SHE accepts that she needs it. If you have tried to force the issue she may choose to be stubborn just to make a point, but a lot of tis comes down to them needing to learn self-management, rather than having us always trying to manage them. </p><p></p><p>It seems like spoiling, it seems to be a disastrous way to go, but if you think it through and can get into her head, this can work far better (and it's not as much work as you'd think, either).</p><p></p><p>Keep on being the squeaky wheel. And at home, give her as much academic stuff as she wants. Immerse her in it. Put posters up on the walls, buy educational software for the computer. If she shows an interest in something, let her have more info about it. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are already doing a lot of good things for her. Keep us posted on how you go. She sounds like a kid with real potential.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 103175, member: 1991"] Welcome. I hear you. We went through this too. I feel I know your child. My 2c worth - * Get her tested. Fast. neuropsychologist. There are a number of possibilities, but high on the list to be considered, I would put Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. This is screaming at me, this sounds so familiar. * Get "The Explosive Child". Fast. Read it. PM me if you want an advance, private, review of the book to give you a heads up and some early tips. You need this book. The principal needs this book. It isn't a cure, but it might help. * DO NOT PUNISH WHAT SHE CANNOT CONTROL. The purpose of punishment is to help teach the child that certain behaviours are unacceptable and will be met with negative consequences; the eventual aim to reduce the negative behaviours and bring about improvement. Is it working? No? Then why is it not working? Think about how it all connects together. Bad behaviour - is it deliberate? Can the child stop him/herself? Or is the child simply out of control? The next thing to consider - does the child know what is the correct behaviour? If so, then why the bad behaviour? In general, a very bright but badly behaved child who has other issues beginning to really be seen - they know what is right and how they should behave. They really do know. But in the heat of the moment, they lose control. Punishing afterwards - they're often already punishing themselves for losing control, especially if you handle discipline the right way and reinforce this. You don't need to take anything away, they have got the message. But getting the message, and preventing the next meltdown - a long way apart. Punishment will not increase their success in maintaining control when frustrated. Again, read "The Explosive Child". Kids like this generally do a lot worse behaviourally with the sort of discipline methods which worked so well on us and which are considered the benchmark. And if it's not working, find another way. * Please, NEVER AGAIN use the term "act out". Message for everybody - I think this is a term foisted on us parents by teachers/caregivers who see any 'misbehaviour' as under the control of the child, deliberate, malevolent and indicative of deep problems at home. Instead, I feel we should use the term "misbehave" because that does not imply deliberate control. Better still, refer to "behaviour problems" or "tantrums". But "act out" is a misleading euphemism, in my book. Sorry to sound so harsh - it's just that I've heard it used too often to downplay the urgency of getting help for a child who simply isn't coping. "Oh she doesn't really have a problem, she's just acting out." Acting WHAT out? What does it really mean, anyway? I think your daughter has Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) issues affecting what she is prepared to eat. You need to negotiate with them about her breakfast. You shouldn't bulldoze through what the school wants, nor should you insist she "eats up like a good little girl" if it really is a big issue for her. This will only lead to bigger problems for you as she gets older. There ARE ways of encouraging her to diversify her exposure to other foods, but force is not the way. In many ways with these kids, force is NEVER the way. You will lose. I also think she has major issues with task-changing. She needs to be allowed some leeway to progress at her own pace (faster, if necessary) and also some warning of task-change. For example, "Sharon, in five minutes we will be finishing with our colouring and putting our books away to go outside to play. Get ready to finish; maybe close your book sooner if you finish sooner." They need support to task-change, not force or ultimatums. An egg-timer can help, the ones with sand in them. The only problem here - she might get engrossed in watching the sand and not get ANY work done! And an advance tip from "The Explosive Child" - you, and the school, need to watch and study her to see what sets her off - then do your utmost to head off a tantrum BEFORE it happens. Never expect her behaviour to be age-appropriate (forget "You should have grown out of that by now" because it just isn't appropriate for a lot of difficult children). They do eventually 'get it' but not at the same age as others, no matter how much smarter in other areas they seem to be. An example - she's about to run outside in the snow, with no coat on. You COULD stop her and force her arms into a coat, but she could begin to rage. Or you COULD say to her, "You need to put a coat on first because it's really cold outside," and insist until she gets angry at being delayed and you get a meltdown. You COULD say, "Do you want your red coat or your blue coat?" and give her a choice - she's at least wearing A coat, now. Or you COULD say, "Put your coat on," but stop insisting because you can see that if you do, you will get a meltdown. Instead, you let her go out in the cold without having forced the issue - she will very soon be back for her coat - her own choice - because SHE accepts that she needs it. If you have tried to force the issue she may choose to be stubborn just to make a point, but a lot of tis comes down to them needing to learn self-management, rather than having us always trying to manage them. It seems like spoiling, it seems to be a disastrous way to go, but if you think it through and can get into her head, this can work far better (and it's not as much work as you'd think, either). Keep on being the squeaky wheel. And at home, give her as much academic stuff as she wants. Immerse her in it. Put posters up on the walls, buy educational software for the computer. If she shows an interest in something, let her have more info about it. It sounds like you are already doing a lot of good things for her. Keep us posted on how you go. She sounds like a kid with real potential. Marg [/QUOTE]
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