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New here-My 19 yo old son moved out-I'm heartbroken & scared.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 457603"><p>I think your letter response was perfect!! So what if you showed some feelings and that you love him. He needs to know that. My son is also 19 and is basically a mess and has a serious drug problem and just started at a sober house on Tuesday. We ended up kicking him out of the house a little over a year ago. It was awful. He was flagrantly disobeying all of our rules and then threatened me. My first reaction was to just wait until he contacted me and I knew that might take a while. I talked to a therapist I was seeing over these issues and she said.... no text him, not constantly but maybe once a day to let him know you are there and care about him. In a way it was a relief to me to know it was ok for me to do that, that I didn't need to come down hard and angry. I needed to stay firm about him being out of the house but I didn't have to stop loving him or letting him know I love him.</p><p></p><p>So lots and lots has happened since then....several arrests, 2 weeks in jail, rehab, coming back, getting a job, losing a job and finally being homeless for a couple of weeks. During all these hard times he has come to us when he needed help and we have been very clear we will help him when he is trying to help himself but we won't give him cash and we will not do anything to enable his drug use. And the latest thing is I think being homeless was very hard and on his own he contacted and found himself a place in a sober living place... and yes we agreed to pay the rent until he gets a job.</p><p>So really I think continuing to let him know you love him is a good thing.... and letting him know you will help when he wants to help himself is also a good thing. However you probably need to spend some time figuring out what you are willing and not willing to do for him. I think you have done a fabulous job so far.... but it is so easy to get caught up in helping that it is enabling and that you don't want to do.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion would be in a few days to text him and ask him how things are going. He may not answer you but then at least you are continuing to reach out and leave the door open.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.... this stuff is so so hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 457603"] I think your letter response was perfect!! So what if you showed some feelings and that you love him. He needs to know that. My son is also 19 and is basically a mess and has a serious drug problem and just started at a sober house on Tuesday. We ended up kicking him out of the house a little over a year ago. It was awful. He was flagrantly disobeying all of our rules and then threatened me. My first reaction was to just wait until he contacted me and I knew that might take a while. I talked to a therapist I was seeing over these issues and she said.... no text him, not constantly but maybe once a day to let him know you are there and care about him. In a way it was a relief to me to know it was ok for me to do that, that I didn't need to come down hard and angry. I needed to stay firm about him being out of the house but I didn't have to stop loving him or letting him know I love him. So lots and lots has happened since then....several arrests, 2 weeks in jail, rehab, coming back, getting a job, losing a job and finally being homeless for a couple of weeks. During all these hard times he has come to us when he needed help and we have been very clear we will help him when he is trying to help himself but we won't give him cash and we will not do anything to enable his drug use. And the latest thing is I think being homeless was very hard and on his own he contacted and found himself a place in a sober living place... and yes we agreed to pay the rent until he gets a job. So really I think continuing to let him know you love him is a good thing.... and letting him know you will help when he wants to help himself is also a good thing. However you probably need to spend some time figuring out what you are willing and not willing to do for him. I think you have done a fabulous job so far.... but it is so easy to get caught up in helping that it is enabling and that you don't want to do. My suggestion would be in a few days to text him and ask him how things are going. He may not answer you but then at least you are continuing to reach out and leave the door open. Hugs.... this stuff is so so hard. [/QUOTE]
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New here-My 19 yo old son moved out-I'm heartbroken & scared.
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