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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 39019" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. You are definitely in t he right place. And as the others have intimated, ODD is rarely found on its own, it tends to be the result of a pre-existing condition which makes the child much more resistant to the generally accepted parenting techniques. And then. like a lot of things which go too far, the problems develop to the point of disorder and disability and you end up with ODD, but it is rarely the beginning.</p><p></p><p>You say you've read a lot - have you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? because you will hear about this book a lot, on this site. I took my time getting to it, but once I did it made a huge difference.</p><p>My child's needs and problems are not necessarily anything like yours, but there are some more general problems that we probably all have in common - a child who is not responding to even stern, strict, consistent and fair discipline. What works brilliantly on other children can actually make these kids worse. Ross Greene's methods, which he calls CPS or Collaborative Problem Solving, hand a lot of control to the child but not to a point where the child is the master. You work with the child, not in competition for power with the child. And one fabulous result (THIS takes a bit longer, but using CPS it's faster than even normal parenting with a cooperative child) is that the child learns independence and self-control much earlier.</p><p>Too often we end up in a tug of war with our child - they pull one way, we pull back to stop them going their own way and doing something stupid. The CPS method gets you on the same end of the rope as the child, which makes it easier to help the child change to a more appropriate direction. But first, they have to learn to trust you again, which takes time and work. I did find it easier, though, than to keep banging my head against the same wall.</p><p></p><p>You have to ignore the raging and what they say, and not react during a rage. DO not let their words hurt you - it's the anger and frustration speaking. With time they learn to be less reactive but right now, being reactive is working for her more than anything else.</p><p></p><p>Remember - children want to fit in, they want to be seen as good and successful. When they feel they are not seen that way (and a 12/13 year old girl is going to feel that way, it's part of life unfortunately) then you have your work cut out for you, reassuring and supporting. When she SEES you genuinely working to help her stay calm, and to begin to feel better about herself, her attitude to you should begin to shift.</p><p></p><p>This takes time, it takes patience and effort but it can work. It's not a cure, it's a management method to try to reduce conflict sufficiently, so she can step in and work more positively.</p><p></p><p>Stick around, let us know how you're going. Do some browsing around the various forums here and see what rings your bells and what simply doesn't fit for you - trust me, you will find enough here that fits your own situation. And you may have already fought some of the battles that others here are just discovering. Your input is also very welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 39019, member: 1991"] Welcome. You are definitely in t he right place. And as the others have intimated, ODD is rarely found on its own, it tends to be the result of a pre-existing condition which makes the child much more resistant to the generally accepted parenting techniques. And then. like a lot of things which go too far, the problems develop to the point of disorder and disability and you end up with ODD, but it is rarely the beginning. You say you've read a lot - have you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? because you will hear about this book a lot, on this site. I took my time getting to it, but once I did it made a huge difference. My child's needs and problems are not necessarily anything like yours, but there are some more general problems that we probably all have in common - a child who is not responding to even stern, strict, consistent and fair discipline. What works brilliantly on other children can actually make these kids worse. Ross Greene's methods, which he calls CPS or Collaborative Problem Solving, hand a lot of control to the child but not to a point where the child is the master. You work with the child, not in competition for power with the child. And one fabulous result (THIS takes a bit longer, but using CPS it's faster than even normal parenting with a cooperative child) is that the child learns independence and self-control much earlier. Too often we end up in a tug of war with our child - they pull one way, we pull back to stop them going their own way and doing something stupid. The CPS method gets you on the same end of the rope as the child, which makes it easier to help the child change to a more appropriate direction. But first, they have to learn to trust you again, which takes time and work. I did find it easier, though, than to keep banging my head against the same wall. You have to ignore the raging and what they say, and not react during a rage. DO not let their words hurt you - it's the anger and frustration speaking. With time they learn to be less reactive but right now, being reactive is working for her more than anything else. Remember - children want to fit in, they want to be seen as good and successful. When they feel they are not seen that way (and a 12/13 year old girl is going to feel that way, it's part of life unfortunately) then you have your work cut out for you, reassuring and supporting. When she SEES you genuinely working to help her stay calm, and to begin to feel better about herself, her attitude to you should begin to shift. This takes time, it takes patience and effort but it can work. It's not a cure, it's a management method to try to reduce conflict sufficiently, so she can step in and work more positively. Stick around, let us know how you're going. Do some browsing around the various forums here and see what rings your bells and what simply doesn't fit for you - trust me, you will find enough here that fits your own situation. And you may have already fought some of the battles that others here are just discovering. Your input is also very welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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