New Kid

[oddmom71]

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Hi everyone, I'm the "New Kid" here, and I believe my daughter has ODD. Out of everyone in her life I am the one she chose to defy in every way, every day. It has gotten to the point where I had to put her out of my house, she's staying with her dad for a few days, then spending the weekend at my parents' house.

I have been dealing with this for a few years, and before I put her out permanently, I am in the process of getting counseling for both of us. She says the nastiest things to me, and as I have read many books about ODD, I try every solution they say to use, but in the past 6 months her attitude and tantrums have seriously gone downhill. I'm sure puberty is NOT helping matters!

I didn't even think to look online for people who have to deal with exactly what I have to. I am so happy to have found this site!!

As I'm new here, if anyone knows of an actual ODD forum, please let me know, I don't want to post all my rants and raves in the wrong section. Thank you in advance for any helpful advice and information...I need it!!! Trish

 

[tiredmommy]

Trish,
Hi and welcome. You are in the right place, sorry you have to be here. Our kids may carry different diagnoses, but they all tend to be very resistant to parenting. Has she ever been formally evaluated before? Are there any neurological or mental health issues in the family tree? How is she doing in school and socially?

 

[lordhelpme]

welcome to a fellow michigander!
let me say that my difficult child was first diagnosis with-odd and now we find it is bipolar. don't jump to conclusions until she is tested. i thought difficult child fit odd but so many mood disorders share symptoms or are comorbid.

good luck and again welcome!

also check out amch.org for support group here in michigan

 

[oceans]

Sorry that things are difficult right now. It sounds like you have an appointment set up for an evaluation. That is great. There are many different disorders that can have ODD symptoms. Sometimes if you treat the underlying disorder, the ODD behaviors subside or go away. It is not an easy road. I hope that you can find some supports in the area you live. Hang in there. It can get better.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree. Have her evaluated by a neuropsychologist (in my opinion, they are the best, most comprehensive, knowledgeable testers and we've tried them all). ODD behavior is rarely a stand alone diagnosis--most of our kids have ODD, but it is caused by something else, usually a bigger disorder, and therapists and even psychologist often don't run enough tests or take enough time to see what's really going on. If you're child has not recently been intensely evaluated, I'd do it. NeuroPsychs can be found in university and children's hospitals. in my opinion, the next best professional is a child Psychiatrist (with the MD). As parents, we read a lot and tend to diagnose our own kids, but sometimes we don't know all about the various disorders and in my opinion again it's best to have a top-notch professional test and do the diagnosing. It's hard enough to get it right even when you do, and your child is getting older. If she isn't diagnosed right, those teen years may be vicious. Welcome to the boards (It would help if you did a signature like I did below, including any psychiatric/neurological disorders in the family and any medications taken)

 

[Marguerite]

Welcome. You are definitely in t he right place. And as the others have intimated, ODD is rarely found on its own, it tends to be the result of a pre-existing condition which makes the child much more resistant to the generally accepted parenting techniques. And then. like a lot of things which go too far, the problems develop to the point of disorder and disability and you end up with ODD, but it is rarely the beginning.

You say you've read a lot - have you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? because you will hear about this book a lot, on this site. I took my time getting to it, but once I did it made a huge difference.
My child's needs and problems are not necessarily anything like yours, but there are some more general problems that we probably all have in common - a child who is not responding to even stern, strict, consistent and fair discipline. What works brilliantly on other children can actually make these kids worse. Ross Greene's methods, which he calls CPS or Collaborative Problem Solving, hand a lot of control to the child but not to a point where the child is the master. You work with the child, not in competition for power with the child. And one fabulous result (THIS takes a bit longer, but using CPS it's faster than even normal parenting with a cooperative child) is that the child learns independence and self-control much earlier.
Too often we end up in a tug of war with our child - they pull one way, we pull back to stop them going their own way and doing something stupid. The CPS method gets you on the same end of the rope as the child, which makes it easier to help the child change to a more appropriate direction. But first, they have to learn to trust you again, which takes time and work. I did find it easier, though, than to keep banging my head against the same wall.

You have to ignore the raging and what they say, and not react during a rage. DO not let their words hurt you - it's the anger and frustration speaking. With time they learn to be less reactive but right now, being reactive is working for her more than anything else.

Remember - children want to fit in, they want to be seen as good and successful. When they feel they are not seen that way (and a 12/13 year old girl is going to feel that way, it's part of life unfortunately) then you have your work cut out for you, reassuring and supporting. When she SEES you genuinely working to help her stay calm, and to begin to feel better about herself, her attitude to you should begin to shift.

This takes time, it takes patience and effort but it can work. It's not a cure, it's a management method to try to reduce conflict sufficiently, so she can step in and work more positively.

Stick around, let us know how you're going. Do some browsing around the various forums here and see what rings your bells and what simply doesn't fit for you - trust me, you will find enough here that fits your own situation. And you may have already fought some of the battles that others here are just discovering. Your input is also very welcome.

Marg

 

[flutterbee]

Welcome! You are in the right place as many of our kids have ODD symptoms that go along with their many varied diagnoses.

As others have stated, ODD is rarely a stand alone diagnosis. Think of it as more of a basket of symptoms with an underlying cause.

You're on the right track by getting into counseling. Your counselor should be able to point you in the direction of the next step, whether it be a psychiatrist, neuropsyc, etc. It seems to vary state to state on what professional is the preferred diagnostician for kids. I was told by our Children's Hospital Behavioral Health that their outpatient psychiatrists don't diagnose. They rely on the diagnosis of the therapist (psychologist, social worker, etc). They will confirm or deny the diagnosis and prescribe medication.

I didn't read all of the other's posts, but I'm sure someone recommended the book, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. These kids don't respond to so-called traditional parenting and we have to look at different ways of parenting these kids.

Good luck to you.

 

[timer lady]

Just wanted to offer you my welcome :flower:

 

[Wiped Out]

Another popping in to say hello and welcome-glad you found us.

 

[Hound dog]

Just wanted to add my warm welcome. :grin: