Marguerite
Active Member
I have to endorse the others - you must put your granddaughter's needs first.
I watched my sister go through similar traumas with her adopted son. He first left home when he was about 15, she couldn't prevent it, short of nailing his feet to the floor. He left their country town and headed for the sleazier parts of Sydney. He was probably prostituting himself for drugs from an early stage. He was also robbing people, breaking into houses and would steal cash from anyone, including close family. He stole several thousand dollars from my father's 'frozen assets' in the freezer emergency cash stash. He was in and out of rehab then in and out of jail. He would turn up with a new girlfriend, declare he was clean and going straight, but would continue with drug trafficking and use. Over the years he's had a series of GFs, a series of sons, my sister has ended up either having to instantly become sole carer to a grandson or suddenly having the kid whisked away "and you'll never see him again" when he turned up and got angry because she challenged him about ongoing drug use.
He's now 40, clean and going straight. We now recognise serious learning problems which weren't dealt with when he was younger. We managed to get him diagnosed with dyslexia but back then schools wouldn't recognise it or support a child with it because too many teachers didn't believe in it as a legit diagnosis. His oldest son (back with grandma) looks like he's about to get an Asperger's diagnosis. Her various grandsons have had a rough time of it, being pulled here and there, changing schools every time they get sent to live with grandma or taken home again by mum.
For a long time my sister did everything she could for her son. She poured money into the situation (money she didn't have) with bail, buying him furniture and food. He sold everything to get drugs. When my mother moved into a retirement home my sister took a lot of the whitegoods and gave them to her son. He sold them, too. Or his druggie mates trashed them.
He only began to get his act together when he had no choice but deal with the rock bottom. She could no longer help him, he was in and out of jail and totally out of touch with family. He had cut himself off completely. She could no longer have him in her house. So eventually it was make or break and he HAD to do it for himself and by himself. His rapidly growing-up son gave him motivation.
My sister was getting married again, after years of being alone. He got in touch, asked very meekly if he could pop into the wedding (it was very informal, in family backyard). She invited him with open arms and he came, with his oldest son. He stayed in the background and clearly felt embarrassed because he knew how much he had hurt his mother. That alone was enough for us to see that he has finally changed and we think, permanently at last.
Things aren't good for him. He's not well. I suspect he's HIV positive. He's had to give up alcohol as well as drugs, although he still smokes. He's not imposing himself on his mother, although he is now in touch for advice and moral support. I wish we could have got him better help when he was young enough for it to have maybe made a difference, but our focus now is on his sons, especially his oldest. And he accepts that - he sees himself as damaged goods and his son as the main priority. "Learn from my experience," is what he says. "The damage must stop here."
My sister now realises that taking him back in all those times, when he was just out of jail or just out of rehab, when she could SEE he was using again - all that was enabling him and delaying his eventual recognition that he had to get serious help.
It's hard to say no, especially when they're crying, they're desperate, they say they'll die if you don't take them in. But if you give way - they've got a reprieve and will party to celebrate.
Talk to a drug counsellor, see what options there are so you can help, but safely from a distance. J is an adult now, even if she's not behaving like one. You need to stop this continuing into the next generation.
Good luck.
Marg
I watched my sister go through similar traumas with her adopted son. He first left home when he was about 15, she couldn't prevent it, short of nailing his feet to the floor. He left their country town and headed for the sleazier parts of Sydney. He was probably prostituting himself for drugs from an early stage. He was also robbing people, breaking into houses and would steal cash from anyone, including close family. He stole several thousand dollars from my father's 'frozen assets' in the freezer emergency cash stash. He was in and out of rehab then in and out of jail. He would turn up with a new girlfriend, declare he was clean and going straight, but would continue with drug trafficking and use. Over the years he's had a series of GFs, a series of sons, my sister has ended up either having to instantly become sole carer to a grandson or suddenly having the kid whisked away "and you'll never see him again" when he turned up and got angry because she challenged him about ongoing drug use.
He's now 40, clean and going straight. We now recognise serious learning problems which weren't dealt with when he was younger. We managed to get him diagnosed with dyslexia but back then schools wouldn't recognise it or support a child with it because too many teachers didn't believe in it as a legit diagnosis. His oldest son (back with grandma) looks like he's about to get an Asperger's diagnosis. Her various grandsons have had a rough time of it, being pulled here and there, changing schools every time they get sent to live with grandma or taken home again by mum.
For a long time my sister did everything she could for her son. She poured money into the situation (money she didn't have) with bail, buying him furniture and food. He sold everything to get drugs. When my mother moved into a retirement home my sister took a lot of the whitegoods and gave them to her son. He sold them, too. Or his druggie mates trashed them.
He only began to get his act together when he had no choice but deal with the rock bottom. She could no longer help him, he was in and out of jail and totally out of touch with family. He had cut himself off completely. She could no longer have him in her house. So eventually it was make or break and he HAD to do it for himself and by himself. His rapidly growing-up son gave him motivation.
My sister was getting married again, after years of being alone. He got in touch, asked very meekly if he could pop into the wedding (it was very informal, in family backyard). She invited him with open arms and he came, with his oldest son. He stayed in the background and clearly felt embarrassed because he knew how much he had hurt his mother. That alone was enough for us to see that he has finally changed and we think, permanently at last.
Things aren't good for him. He's not well. I suspect he's HIV positive. He's had to give up alcohol as well as drugs, although he still smokes. He's not imposing himself on his mother, although he is now in touch for advice and moral support. I wish we could have got him better help when he was young enough for it to have maybe made a difference, but our focus now is on his sons, especially his oldest. And he accepts that - he sees himself as damaged goods and his son as the main priority. "Learn from my experience," is what he says. "The damage must stop here."
My sister now realises that taking him back in all those times, when he was just out of jail or just out of rehab, when she could SEE he was using again - all that was enabling him and delaying his eventual recognition that he had to get serious help.
It's hard to say no, especially when they're crying, they're desperate, they say they'll die if you don't take them in. But if you give way - they've got a reprieve and will party to celebrate.
Talk to a drug counsellor, see what options there are so you can help, but safely from a distance. J is an adult now, even if she's not behaving like one. You need to stop this continuing into the next generation.
Good luck.
Marg
