Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New to forum
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643669" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there, friend. I'm sorry you had to read our stories and join our group.</p><p></p><p>If you have been reading, then you know we tell all parents that they can not do anything to change their adult child. The adult child has to change on his own and want to change. It will be hard to get an accurate psyche reading on him if he has been doing lots of drugs as they change. My daughter did drugs. She was not pleasant or obedient at the time, but is fine and sweet as sugar now that she has been clean for so long. Most of our kids who use illegal substances or are alcoholics will not take psychiatric medications anyway and they won't work if you aren't sober of all other medication/substances anyway.</p><p></p><p>I am probably the blunt member here and I don't mean to be harsh but I know sometimes that makes me come across as harsh. I will try to soften what I mean to say, and please take it with a grain of salt. None of us have an answer for you. Each of us does this our own way and all of our adult kids are different. Some are more motivated than others. Some really have no clue about life, which makes it harder. Some don't want to change. Some only want to change when they get into trouble, then go right back to using as soon as we rescue them. Of this category, to me it sounds like your son is mostly upset because he is now in legal trouble and could end up in prison (I am not sure if this is right. I have no idea what he did or how far the consequences will go).</p><p></p><p>You asked what it is. None of us know for sure, but one thing seems pretty certain. He seems to suffer the disease of addiction. That means getting high is more important to him than living a good life or obeying the law or following societal norms. Now, if, as you say, his rebellious, negative behavior started very young, he may have other problems too. I have one difficult child who has always had personality problems and early on he shunned societal norms, however he is getting better. My daughter was sweet as pie until she got caught up in drugs. Her stint ran from age 12 (you read that right) to 19. Before and after that she was a sweetheart and has been clean today and no behavioral or failure-to-launch issues since quitting.</p><p></p><p>I guess I'm trying to say all of our adult kids are individual. The drug abuse, however, needs to stop or you will not be able to see the core person behind the drugs. You do not know and may never know the extent of his substance abuse. I was shocked when my daughter told me, after quitting, the stuff she had been using. I mean, she was homeschooled and didn't really have a lot of friends and I didn't realize she was getting high when we were sleeping or climbing out her window and running around town. Once we found out she was still using, after she had said she quit, she was told to leave. Long story, but she quit everything, even cigarettes and has a good life now. She did not go to any rehab, she just left the state and stopped hanging with drug users, got a job, and joined normal society. That is unusual.</p><p></p><p>My daughter never even came close to hitting us. But certain drugs CAN create violence. Certain temperaments can too.</p><p></p><p>I will tell you what helped me the most when my daughter was using drugs and I was not sure she would live. She looked like a skeleton of herself. I joined Al-Anon and learned coping skills for myself and how to detach with love and I had a support system, which I badly needed. I already had a therapist for mood disorder issues, so I used my therapist as well. All in all, they helped me learn important skills and taught me lessons I had not known, such as we can not control our adult child's addiction.</p><p></p><p>I had a necklace at the time which I wore all the time and often touched when I was feeling weak for a moment. On it, it read: "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>I think that little prayer is very wise, even if you are an atheist...just take out t he part about God. It means we can only control our own reactions to others, not them, and we are wise to learn how to do it and what we CAN do. We can change how we respond to our difficult children, but we can not make them work toward recovery. We can set boundaries, such as not allowing them to live at home and cutting off all money unless they try hard in a treatment center, but we can not stop them from finding drugs there and using them and deciding it's better to live on the streets than in our warm houses...if it means quitting.</p><p></p><p>But we can live full and happy lives in spite of our adult children's struggles, and most of us on this forum are trying to do that. Some of us have come far in our journey. Some are just beginning.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to our family. Others will come along with their feedback for you. by the way, if that is your real name, you may want to change it to protect yourself. You never know who is reading this...nice to "meet" you; sorry I had to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643669, member: 1550"] Hi there, friend. I'm sorry you had to read our stories and join our group. If you have been reading, then you know we tell all parents that they can not do anything to change their adult child. The adult child has to change on his own and want to change. It will be hard to get an accurate psyche reading on him if he has been doing lots of drugs as they change. My daughter did drugs. She was not pleasant or obedient at the time, but is fine and sweet as sugar now that she has been clean for so long. Most of our kids who use illegal substances or are alcoholics will not take psychiatric medications anyway and they won't work if you aren't sober of all other medication/substances anyway. I am probably the blunt member here and I don't mean to be harsh but I know sometimes that makes me come across as harsh. I will try to soften what I mean to say, and please take it with a grain of salt. None of us have an answer for you. Each of us does this our own way and all of our adult kids are different. Some are more motivated than others. Some really have no clue about life, which makes it harder. Some don't want to change. Some only want to change when they get into trouble, then go right back to using as soon as we rescue them. Of this category, to me it sounds like your son is mostly upset because he is now in legal trouble and could end up in prison (I am not sure if this is right. I have no idea what he did or how far the consequences will go). You asked what it is. None of us know for sure, but one thing seems pretty certain. He seems to suffer the disease of addiction. That means getting high is more important to him than living a good life or obeying the law or following societal norms. Now, if, as you say, his rebellious, negative behavior started very young, he may have other problems too. I have one difficult child who has always had personality problems and early on he shunned societal norms, however he is getting better. My daughter was sweet as pie until she got caught up in drugs. Her stint ran from age 12 (you read that right) to 19. Before and after that she was a sweetheart and has been clean today and no behavioral or failure-to-launch issues since quitting. I guess I'm trying to say all of our adult kids are individual. The drug abuse, however, needs to stop or you will not be able to see the core person behind the drugs. You do not know and may never know the extent of his substance abuse. I was shocked when my daughter told me, after quitting, the stuff she had been using. I mean, she was homeschooled and didn't really have a lot of friends and I didn't realize she was getting high when we were sleeping or climbing out her window and running around town. Once we found out she was still using, after she had said she quit, she was told to leave. Long story, but she quit everything, even cigarettes and has a good life now. She did not go to any rehab, she just left the state and stopped hanging with drug users, got a job, and joined normal society. That is unusual. My daughter never even came close to hitting us. But certain drugs CAN create violence. Certain temperaments can too. I will tell you what helped me the most when my daughter was using drugs and I was not sure she would live. She looked like a skeleton of herself. I joined Al-Anon and learned coping skills for myself and how to detach with love and I had a support system, which I badly needed. I already had a therapist for mood disorder issues, so I used my therapist as well. All in all, they helped me learn important skills and taught me lessons I had not known, such as we can not control our adult child's addiction. I had a necklace at the time which I wore all the time and often touched when I was feeling weak for a moment. On it, it read: "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference." I think that little prayer is very wise, even if you are an atheist...just take out t he part about God. It means we can only control our own reactions to others, not them, and we are wise to learn how to do it and what we CAN do. We can change how we respond to our difficult children, but we can not make them work toward recovery. We can set boundaries, such as not allowing them to live at home and cutting off all money unless they try hard in a treatment center, but we can not stop them from finding drugs there and using them and deciding it's better to live on the streets than in our warm houses...if it means quitting. But we can live full and happy lives in spite of our adult children's struggles, and most of us on this forum are trying to do that. Some of us have come far in our journey. Some are just beginning. Welcome to our family. Others will come along with their feedback for you. by the way, if that is your real name, you may want to change it to protect yourself. You never know who is reading this...nice to "meet" you; sorry I had to. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New to forum
Top