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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 674099" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome Acacia, and we're glad you're here. You have gotten great thinking so far, and I hope you feel positively reinforced.</p><p></p><p>Just today, I was texting with a good friend who has a 44 year old son who is still "at it." She is 70. As she said, she gives and gives and gives and it's never enough. She's exhausted. </p><p></p><p>My son is 26 and has been doing a lot better for nearly 18 months. He has a job, a place to live, and is slowly rebuilding his life. I am encouraged, but I am often reminded that I need to be very...very...very careful with myself in interacting with him. I can easily slip off the wagon. </p><p></p><p>This past two weeks has been very difficult with him. He was scheduled to have surgery nearly two weeks ago, and at the very last minute, the surgeon canceled due to abnormal liver function tests. He spent the night in the hospital. He has Hep C. He has no insurance. Now, of course, he's all about getting insurance, with "other people's money" (OPM). I've been talking to him about insurance for more than six months to no avail.</p><p></p><p>My son is doing better, but I have to be reminded that he still has very faulty thinking and behavior. If I decide to get involved, then I am getting close to the fire and I am likely to get burned. </p><p></p><p>These two weeks have been a good learning experience for me, and I am trying to see the time as just that, instead of getting mired down in the muck (which I have already done!). His car was shot, and I ended up buying him a car this weekend. I now am resenting having done that, as his text to me on Monday was "I don't think this car's getting good gas mileage."</p><p></p><p>Really? I mean, really. I thought I was helping someone who was working hard to help himself. That made sense to me.</p><p></p><p>But I am now seeing that I have been spending too much time with him, I know too many details about the ins and outs of his life, due to all of the medical stuff, and I am backing off.</p><p></p><p>I can get all "urgent" about things like injuries (he was stabbed last summer), or illness, like his surgery reason and the Hep C. I can start feeling like I **have** to do something.</p><p></p><p>I am reminding myself that i don't. It's not my job to "fix" him or his life, to make it all smooth, to solve his problems. He is 26 years old, and he needs to take the initiative to solve his own problems. I am reminding myself of my own words: If I step in, I am literally robbing him of the chance to become an adult. </p><p></p><p>So, Acacia, the thing is this: We live and we learn, and we stumble, and sometimes we fall flat. It's all okay. It's not about being perfect at this. We are human beings and we love these people. We **want** so badly to believe in something good about them, and support that.</p><p></p><p>Support needs to be verbal for a long, long, long time. It doesn't have to mean any kind of money. (You see, I am writing to myself here, but hopefully it will help you as well).</p><p></p><p>Sigh. This stuff is so so very hard. I need time and space and distance from my son right now, and so I am taking just that, very kindly, but I'm not reaching out to him at all for a few days. If he reaches out to me, I will keep it very short and kind. No engagement right now.</p><p></p><p>I have to get back to level ground. As the hours pass, I am feeling stronger and more centered. </p><p></p><p>Please think carefully and slowly about what you want and need. About what works for you and what doesn't. Make any decisions based on that. One of the key principles we have discussed on this site at length is this: We have to have a sanctuary to weather these storms, and that sanctuary is our own home. I do not and cannot imagine my Difficult Child ever coming to live here again. I love him but I don't like his daily lifestyle and I don't want to be subjected to it. </p><p></p><p>Keep sharing. We're here for you, through thick and thin. Welcome!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 674099, member: 17542"] Welcome Acacia, and we're glad you're here. You have gotten great thinking so far, and I hope you feel positively reinforced. Just today, I was texting with a good friend who has a 44 year old son who is still "at it." She is 70. As she said, she gives and gives and gives and it's never enough. She's exhausted. My son is 26 and has been doing a lot better for nearly 18 months. He has a job, a place to live, and is slowly rebuilding his life. I am encouraged, but I am often reminded that I need to be very...very...very careful with myself in interacting with him. I can easily slip off the wagon. This past two weeks has been very difficult with him. He was scheduled to have surgery nearly two weeks ago, and at the very last minute, the surgeon canceled due to abnormal liver function tests. He spent the night in the hospital. He has Hep C. He has no insurance. Now, of course, he's all about getting insurance, with "other people's money" (OPM). I've been talking to him about insurance for more than six months to no avail. My son is doing better, but I have to be reminded that he still has very faulty thinking and behavior. If I decide to get involved, then I am getting close to the fire and I am likely to get burned. These two weeks have been a good learning experience for me, and I am trying to see the time as just that, instead of getting mired down in the muck (which I have already done!). His car was shot, and I ended up buying him a car this weekend. I now am resenting having done that, as his text to me on Monday was "I don't think this car's getting good gas mileage." Really? I mean, really. I thought I was helping someone who was working hard to help himself. That made sense to me. But I am now seeing that I have been spending too much time with him, I know too many details about the ins and outs of his life, due to all of the medical stuff, and I am backing off. I can get all "urgent" about things like injuries (he was stabbed last summer), or illness, like his surgery reason and the Hep C. I can start feeling like I **have** to do something. I am reminding myself that i don't. It's not my job to "fix" him or his life, to make it all smooth, to solve his problems. He is 26 years old, and he needs to take the initiative to solve his own problems. I am reminding myself of my own words: If I step in, I am literally robbing him of the chance to become an adult. So, Acacia, the thing is this: We live and we learn, and we stumble, and sometimes we fall flat. It's all okay. It's not about being perfect at this. We are human beings and we love these people. We **want** so badly to believe in something good about them, and support that. Support needs to be verbal for a long, long, long time. It doesn't have to mean any kind of money. (You see, I am writing to myself here, but hopefully it will help you as well). Sigh. This stuff is so so very hard. I need time and space and distance from my son right now, and so I am taking just that, very kindly, but I'm not reaching out to him at all for a few days. If he reaches out to me, I will keep it very short and kind. No engagement right now. I have to get back to level ground. As the hours pass, I am feeling stronger and more centered. Please think carefully and slowly about what you want and need. About what works for you and what doesn't. Make any decisions based on that. One of the key principles we have discussed on this site at length is this: We have to have a sanctuary to weather these storms, and that sanctuary is our own home. I do not and cannot imagine my Difficult Child ever coming to live here again. I love him but I don't like his daily lifestyle and I don't want to be subjected to it. Keep sharing. We're here for you, through thick and thin. Welcome! [/QUOTE]
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