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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 290320" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Woody.</p><p></p><p>I read this last night (my time) but it was too late for me to respond; plus you'd already had a lot of really good avdice.</p><p></p><p>So now I'm taking the time I can to respond. Some of my response will echo what has already been said. Plus, you've added more since last night and that gives me a lot more to work with now.</p><p></p><p>Here goes.</p><p></p><p>As for the past - it has happened. You regret it. We all understand. But you know now, it didn't work. The custody thing didn't help but other kids go through similar stuff without the problems your son has. WHich gives me to think - this goes deeper. But don't panic - a lot of us have experience here, too.</p><p></p><p>The spanking history - I suspect it comes frorm your own past experience as a child; it worked for you, so it should work for your son. Ans in other ways your past expereince will still try to influence how you handle your son (withouth the spanking) as you try to use firmness and strict control. I'm betting you're finding this is also not working but actively causing more problems. If so - please be aware, it's not your fault. The standard methods of raising children, the methods which DO work well for "normal" kids, can be a disaster for some kids for subtle reasons (which will become obvious later on). How to cope - change your methods. Again, more info further on.</p><p></p><p>The problems you describe your wife having - my husband has these problems with difficult child 3. Long story, I won't go into it now, but what you describe in your son sounds VERY familiar to me - the shutting down at school with challenging tasks; the 2yo tantrum style when corrected by someone he's most oppositional with; the anger - it sounds VERY much like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) needs to be checked out.</p><p></p><p>We can't diagnose here on this site but we can point out when a parent described their child and it sounds like one of our own. I suggest you go visit <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a> and look for their online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Again, it cannot be used as a diagnostic tool but you CAN print out the results and take them to the next appointment. I would suggest you keep a hard copy of the printout done now, for later reference. Basically, nothing you have described to us so far is inconsistent with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), as I have observed it in my own children.</p><p></p><p>Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not necessarily bad news, either. It DOES require different handling and the kids can be a handful at times, but they can also be wonderfully rewarding especially as you find the way through to them. There are some wonderful qualities in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids when they find their niche - they are loyal (intensely); loving (not always obvious because they often show emotion in ways we might not recognise); honest (they are bad at telling lies and eventually learn to not try); creative (within their own narrow field of interest) and often highly intelligent, although test results don't always show this.</p><p></p><p>Asperger's is one form of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). So is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified (Not Otherwise Specified). Remember, medicine is an inexact science; mental health, doubly so. Here in Australia our education system is not in full accord - primary and secondary school consider Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) to be a mental condition while tertiary considers it to be neurological. But a child who has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis cna qualify for school support funding which can make a big difference in the child's access to a good education.</p><p></p><p>How do you handle such a kid? I can't tell you very easily, but there is a wealth of informarion scattered around this site. You've already had some good books suggested - here is another. "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you have a look over in the Early Childhood forum you will also see (as stickies) some useful discussion on adaprting these books for younger children. It will give you a preview of how it works. It seems counter-intuitive, but what it does is uses the child's intense need to control his ennvironment, by handing SOME control back to the child (as the parents silently scream, NOOOOOOO!!!!" but don't worry, it's OK if you do it right) and using the child's own need to be in control, to turn it into SELF-CONTROL. It can actually bypass stages of upbringing and uses the child's own frustrations to positive effect.</p><p>You do have to (seemingly) take a step back as disciplinarian and instead become a facilitator to the child. No more nagging or yelling, but instead listening, asking them questions, supporting. The child who has learned to be automatically oppositional (it's a learned reactive response to strict discipline in a child who feels out of control) will initially try to pull against, but if there is nothing to pull against it's like trying to play tug of war with nobody on the other end of the rope.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (and a number of other disorder sufferers) are not good at learning social skills the way other kids do. Instead, they model their behaviour on the people around them, especially the parent figures (which includes teachers). So an adult who is yelling at them teaches te child that yelling is the appropriate way for THE CHILD to respond in that situation. Because it has ben modelled for him. difficult child 3 was like this at school - a teacher shouted at him so after that all his interactions with that teacher, difficult child 3 would shout at her if she wouldn't let him do what he wanted.</p><p></p><p>We are the grown-ups, we need to begin to make the change in behaviour and we need to cut some slack. That doesn't mean we discipline all "bad behaviour" but we DO need to teach the right ways. First, we behave that way ourselves. Next, we plan ahaead as best we can and explain to the child, "We need to help you learn how to get along in this world and we know it's not easy for you. That's not fair, but we can't make it fair. All we can do is help you learn in the way that works best for you. And the way that works best is to show you and when the opportunity arises, to pause in what we're donig and practice the right way to behave."</p><p>Next - let's say you're in the car and difficult child gets upset about something. Maybe he wants to stop for candy and you just want to get home. His desire for candy is strong and immediate and if you don't stop immediately, you are the worst thing in the world. Be prepared - you may need to pull over to deal with this but you DO need to stay calm. To make this work you need to think like he does and switch off "parent" mode. Or at least switch it back. A strict parent will be thinking, "If I buy candy now, I will be teaching him that throwing a tantrum like this gets results." With a normal kid - yes. But with this kid - it makes no difference.</p><p>WHat you need to do is find out why he wants candy and if you can compromise. Maybe you have candy at home that he can have when you get there. Maybe you have no money to buy candy but you can suggest that next time you go out, you will buy candy (and you have to follow through if you promise this). Or maybe there's something else he wants, maybe just the chance to stop and do something different. Candy isn't always about candy.</p><p>But if you decide to give in and buy candy - try to get him to rehearse asking nicely. Show that you respond to the polite request.</p><p></p><p>With "Explosive Child" methods, it works best if you canlay groundwork ahead of time. You also need to stay calm, you also need to be prepared to back off if what you're doing is enraging him further. You continually work toward your goals but if you keep backing off to let him calm down, he will learn (sooner rather than later) that you are trying to help him stay calm.</p><p></p><p>Kids don't like raging. They don't like how it feels and it really upsets them. One raging attack will make a second one more likely sooner. But it also works in reverse - the longer you can help him keep calm, the more you will get from him in terms of cooperation.</p><p></p><p>It sounds totally stupid, but we found it worked amazingly. I began reading the book (I got it out of the library to begin with) and even before I had got to the "here is how it works" stuff, I found difficult child 3's behaviour improving amazingly. The reason - I had picked up enough understanding of him, for my attitude to him to change.</p><p></p><p>Reading your first post in this thread - I'm wondering if there might have been less exaggeration in his mother's claims than you think. She may well have seen what she thought of was his response to traumatisation and blamed you for stuff that was emerging anyway. A kid like this - you tend to (at first) look for someone or something to blame. It's natural for any parent to do this, I think we all have done it with our kids in the early stages at least. But sometimes it's not a matter of blame. And some parents never get to this stage.</p><p></p><p>Grandma - she sounds a lot like how my mother in law would react. Breaks all the rules we lay down if she thinks she knows better. Then blames our parenting when difficult child 3 lashes out at her for teasing him. The thing with kids like this - you have to say what you mean and not use sarcasm or "joshing" because it is confusing to them. And with difficult child 3, mother in law has always used gentle joshing or teasing, then gets upset if he reacts. He's learnt to understand some of this by-play (and he does need to learn, but it takes a lot longer) but we need to watch for signs of his incomprehension and "rescue" him sometimes (by translating or saying, "Grandma is just teasing you, it's OK, what she means is...").</p><p>And difficult child 3's Grandma has had to learn that if she says something to difficult child 3 like, "Whew! You smell! Have you been outside rolling in the dirt?" when he comes in sweaty after working in her yard, she has to expect that at some stage difficult child 3 will do the same to her with, "Grandma, you haven't had a shower all day? No wonder you stink!"</p><p>All he's doing is giving back the behaviour she has patterned for him... it takes some people longer to learn this than others.</p><p></p><p>Your son's Grandma sounds like she doesn't 'get' the current situation. And if he were a 'normal' kid, her interference like tis wouldn't make such mischief. I don't think she means to cause trouble; she just wants him to know that he is still loved by her, she misses him and would love him to visit or come stay, he is always welcome back. For a kid who is an obvious behaviour problem (obvious to him, even) this is intended to be comforting. But I agree with you - it risks being disruptive to him as well. She can't continue.</p><p>A suggestion - encourage her communications for a while to be all via email. Or failing that, you will have to open his mail from her and censor it. A pity, because it sends bad messages to him, that he has to be kept in a cocoon and tihs could make him feel smothered at some stage. It will also make Grandma feel even more paranoid that you are keeping secrets from her about her grandson, and keeping him from having free access to her.</p><p></p><p>You need to be able to talk to Grandma at some stage and lay down some ground rules - </p><p></p><p>* Please do not keep inviting him back "home" - his home is here and your invitations expressed tis way are confusing him.</p><p></p><p>* Feel free to say how much you love him unconditionally. That is good for him and good for you.</p><p></p><p>* Please do not refer to your place as his "home" - he lives here now.</p><p></p><p>* He needs to have an ongoing relationship with you, but he needs these rules to be followed. When he is older and hopefully more able, he will be able to visit you more often. In the meantime this needs to be strictly controlled.</p><p></p><p>******************************</p><p></p><p>I do think you need to let her see him and meet with him, but under your supervision (or your wife's). Anything you do in terms of changing rules, encourage Grandma to also come on board. You have needed her in the past, you could need her again. Keep her sweet but keep her on a leash.</p><p></p><p>If you follow the Ross Greene methods, you and your wife both have to be on the same page. Any adult who is not, will become an even stronger focus for hostility and oppositional behaviour. But if you do follow it you will both find your life with him and your interactions so much easier, the stress levels for all of you will reduce, and it is actually much easier to implement.</p><p></p><p>The dietaery stuff you describe - that also fits. Encouraging him to have tastes - very effective, it's what has worked best for us with difficult child 3. A "frill" for you to add - encourage him to describe the food he has just tasted, what he likes/dislikes about it. Saying, "It's yucky" is not enough, he has to say if it's the texture he finds too creamy, or if the taste is too bitter or too salty. It all encourages self-analysis and self-expression. difficult child 3 still does this - I made a flavoured sugar syrup last night and offered difficult child 3 a taste. He did what he always does - made sure he had a big drink of water handy to wash away a "yucky" taste. But he liked it, he grabbed the spoon from me and sucked it clean!</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3's best friend is about 10 years old and also autistic (mild). He is VERY faddy about his food, his mother is a lot like your son's mother sounds like. Doesn't know what to do about it and really doesn't want to make any changes in parenting for him.</p><p></p><p>Your rewards methods for behavioural modification - the best chance of helping, but you may need to modify it a little more (again, see Ross Greene). </p><p></p><p>I understand you don't want to drag him to a wide range of experts and dozens of appointments. I think that's sensible. But a neuropsychologist, a good one, will cover most (if not all) bases and rapidly get to the crux of the diagnosis, whatever it is. And once you get a handle on it, he will be easier to manage simply because you will have a better understanding of him.</p><p></p><p>He laso needs to understand himself and again, a neuropsychologist will give you the information you all need.</p><p></p><p>We did worry about this one ourselves - when do you tell your child he is autistic? In difficult child 3's case the autism diagnosis is indicated because he had significant language delay. So how do you tell a kid who hasn't yet got the language to understand? We had no choice but to wait. So when do you tell him? It's like telling a kid he's adopted; at some point you need to have "the talk".</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 was into computers in a big way. He began using a computer before he was 12 months old (I'm not kidding). He was manipulating household electronic equipment (re-tuning the TV) before 18 months old. A bright kid, indeed.</p><p>He started school still with language delay but was speaking in sentences by then. We told him about his autism when he was 8 years old. He was starting to see that he was different to other kids and it was making him angry, so it was Time.</p><p>We organised a Sixth Sense program for him at school (a wonderful thing when done right, as this was) and this explained about autism to difficult child 3 and his classmates. We had previously written out a small social story for him about autism (he reads a lot, the written word helps him understand better). because of his extreme understanding of computers for his age, I put it in terms of computer operating systems.</p><p>"We type up a text document and send it to the printer. What comes off the printer is formatted how we want it, but we can't tell if it came from a easy child or a Mac. We could have produced the document with either computer and have it look identical. But a easy child needs very different computer instructions to a Mac. And people are like computers - some have easy child brains, some have Mac brains. Different people need different operating instructions. We all learn and function in different ways and need to find the right ways for us."</p><p></p><p>If you check my sig you will see why I understand Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - I have four kids, three of them to some degree Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-affected. I've seen it in different forms in each child. And because my kids tend to gravitate to other Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, I've also seen it in their friends.</p><p></p><p>Again, welcome to the site. If you want to encourage your wife to post here or lurk here, she will find good company also. It also can really help you both be on the same page (even if you feel your relationship is already perfecgt, this can improve it further). There are step-parents here and spouses here. All are welcome because living with a difficult child is a strain on us all and we all need support.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 290320, member: 1991"] Welcome, Woody. I read this last night (my time) but it was too late for me to respond; plus you'd already had a lot of really good avdice. So now I'm taking the time I can to respond. Some of my response will echo what has already been said. Plus, you've added more since last night and that gives me a lot more to work with now. Here goes. As for the past - it has happened. You regret it. We all understand. But you know now, it didn't work. The custody thing didn't help but other kids go through similar stuff without the problems your son has. WHich gives me to think - this goes deeper. But don't panic - a lot of us have experience here, too. The spanking history - I suspect it comes frorm your own past experience as a child; it worked for you, so it should work for your son. Ans in other ways your past expereince will still try to influence how you handle your son (withouth the spanking) as you try to use firmness and strict control. I'm betting you're finding this is also not working but actively causing more problems. If so - please be aware, it's not your fault. The standard methods of raising children, the methods which DO work well for "normal" kids, can be a disaster for some kids for subtle reasons (which will become obvious later on). How to cope - change your methods. Again, more info further on. The problems you describe your wife having - my husband has these problems with difficult child 3. Long story, I won't go into it now, but what you describe in your son sounds VERY familiar to me - the shutting down at school with challenging tasks; the 2yo tantrum style when corrected by someone he's most oppositional with; the anger - it sounds VERY much like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) needs to be checked out. We can't diagnose here on this site but we can point out when a parent described their child and it sounds like one of our own. I suggest you go visit [url]www.childbrain.com[/url] and look for their online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Again, it cannot be used as a diagnostic tool but you CAN print out the results and take them to the next appointment. I would suggest you keep a hard copy of the printout done now, for later reference. Basically, nothing you have described to us so far is inconsistent with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), as I have observed it in my own children. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not necessarily bad news, either. It DOES require different handling and the kids can be a handful at times, but they can also be wonderfully rewarding especially as you find the way through to them. There are some wonderful qualities in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids when they find their niche - they are loyal (intensely); loving (not always obvious because they often show emotion in ways we might not recognise); honest (they are bad at telling lies and eventually learn to not try); creative (within their own narrow field of interest) and often highly intelligent, although test results don't always show this. Asperger's is one form of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). So is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified (Not Otherwise Specified). Remember, medicine is an inexact science; mental health, doubly so. Here in Australia our education system is not in full accord - primary and secondary school consider Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) to be a mental condition while tertiary considers it to be neurological. But a child who has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis cna qualify for school support funding which can make a big difference in the child's access to a good education. How do you handle such a kid? I can't tell you very easily, but there is a wealth of informarion scattered around this site. You've already had some good books suggested - here is another. "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you have a look over in the Early Childhood forum you will also see (as stickies) some useful discussion on adaprting these books for younger children. It will give you a preview of how it works. It seems counter-intuitive, but what it does is uses the child's intense need to control his ennvironment, by handing SOME control back to the child (as the parents silently scream, NOOOOOOO!!!!" but don't worry, it's OK if you do it right) and using the child's own need to be in control, to turn it into SELF-CONTROL. It can actually bypass stages of upbringing and uses the child's own frustrations to positive effect. You do have to (seemingly) take a step back as disciplinarian and instead become a facilitator to the child. No more nagging or yelling, but instead listening, asking them questions, supporting. The child who has learned to be automatically oppositional (it's a learned reactive response to strict discipline in a child who feels out of control) will initially try to pull against, but if there is nothing to pull against it's like trying to play tug of war with nobody on the other end of the rope. The thing is, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (and a number of other disorder sufferers) are not good at learning social skills the way other kids do. Instead, they model their behaviour on the people around them, especially the parent figures (which includes teachers). So an adult who is yelling at them teaches te child that yelling is the appropriate way for THE CHILD to respond in that situation. Because it has ben modelled for him. difficult child 3 was like this at school - a teacher shouted at him so after that all his interactions with that teacher, difficult child 3 would shout at her if she wouldn't let him do what he wanted. We are the grown-ups, we need to begin to make the change in behaviour and we need to cut some slack. That doesn't mean we discipline all "bad behaviour" but we DO need to teach the right ways. First, we behave that way ourselves. Next, we plan ahaead as best we can and explain to the child, "We need to help you learn how to get along in this world and we know it's not easy for you. That's not fair, but we can't make it fair. All we can do is help you learn in the way that works best for you. And the way that works best is to show you and when the opportunity arises, to pause in what we're donig and practice the right way to behave." Next - let's say you're in the car and difficult child gets upset about something. Maybe he wants to stop for candy and you just want to get home. His desire for candy is strong and immediate and if you don't stop immediately, you are the worst thing in the world. Be prepared - you may need to pull over to deal with this but you DO need to stay calm. To make this work you need to think like he does and switch off "parent" mode. Or at least switch it back. A strict parent will be thinking, "If I buy candy now, I will be teaching him that throwing a tantrum like this gets results." With a normal kid - yes. But with this kid - it makes no difference. WHat you need to do is find out why he wants candy and if you can compromise. Maybe you have candy at home that he can have when you get there. Maybe you have no money to buy candy but you can suggest that next time you go out, you will buy candy (and you have to follow through if you promise this). Or maybe there's something else he wants, maybe just the chance to stop and do something different. Candy isn't always about candy. But if you decide to give in and buy candy - try to get him to rehearse asking nicely. Show that you respond to the polite request. With "Explosive Child" methods, it works best if you canlay groundwork ahead of time. You also need to stay calm, you also need to be prepared to back off if what you're doing is enraging him further. You continually work toward your goals but if you keep backing off to let him calm down, he will learn (sooner rather than later) that you are trying to help him stay calm. Kids don't like raging. They don't like how it feels and it really upsets them. One raging attack will make a second one more likely sooner. But it also works in reverse - the longer you can help him keep calm, the more you will get from him in terms of cooperation. It sounds totally stupid, but we found it worked amazingly. I began reading the book (I got it out of the library to begin with) and even before I had got to the "here is how it works" stuff, I found difficult child 3's behaviour improving amazingly. The reason - I had picked up enough understanding of him, for my attitude to him to change. Reading your first post in this thread - I'm wondering if there might have been less exaggeration in his mother's claims than you think. She may well have seen what she thought of was his response to traumatisation and blamed you for stuff that was emerging anyway. A kid like this - you tend to (at first) look for someone or something to blame. It's natural for any parent to do this, I think we all have done it with our kids in the early stages at least. But sometimes it's not a matter of blame. And some parents never get to this stage. Grandma - she sounds a lot like how my mother in law would react. Breaks all the rules we lay down if she thinks she knows better. Then blames our parenting when difficult child 3 lashes out at her for teasing him. The thing with kids like this - you have to say what you mean and not use sarcasm or "joshing" because it is confusing to them. And with difficult child 3, mother in law has always used gentle joshing or teasing, then gets upset if he reacts. He's learnt to understand some of this by-play (and he does need to learn, but it takes a lot longer) but we need to watch for signs of his incomprehension and "rescue" him sometimes (by translating or saying, "Grandma is just teasing you, it's OK, what she means is..."). And difficult child 3's Grandma has had to learn that if she says something to difficult child 3 like, "Whew! You smell! Have you been outside rolling in the dirt?" when he comes in sweaty after working in her yard, she has to expect that at some stage difficult child 3 will do the same to her with, "Grandma, you haven't had a shower all day? No wonder you stink!" All he's doing is giving back the behaviour she has patterned for him... it takes some people longer to learn this than others. Your son's Grandma sounds like she doesn't 'get' the current situation. And if he were a 'normal' kid, her interference like tis wouldn't make such mischief. I don't think she means to cause trouble; she just wants him to know that he is still loved by her, she misses him and would love him to visit or come stay, he is always welcome back. For a kid who is an obvious behaviour problem (obvious to him, even) this is intended to be comforting. But I agree with you - it risks being disruptive to him as well. She can't continue. A suggestion - encourage her communications for a while to be all via email. Or failing that, you will have to open his mail from her and censor it. A pity, because it sends bad messages to him, that he has to be kept in a cocoon and tihs could make him feel smothered at some stage. It will also make Grandma feel even more paranoid that you are keeping secrets from her about her grandson, and keeping him from having free access to her. You need to be able to talk to Grandma at some stage and lay down some ground rules - * Please do not keep inviting him back "home" - his home is here and your invitations expressed tis way are confusing him. * Feel free to say how much you love him unconditionally. That is good for him and good for you. * Please do not refer to your place as his "home" - he lives here now. * He needs to have an ongoing relationship with you, but he needs these rules to be followed. When he is older and hopefully more able, he will be able to visit you more often. In the meantime this needs to be strictly controlled. ****************************** I do think you need to let her see him and meet with him, but under your supervision (or your wife's). Anything you do in terms of changing rules, encourage Grandma to also come on board. You have needed her in the past, you could need her again. Keep her sweet but keep her on a leash. If you follow the Ross Greene methods, you and your wife both have to be on the same page. Any adult who is not, will become an even stronger focus for hostility and oppositional behaviour. But if you do follow it you will both find your life with him and your interactions so much easier, the stress levels for all of you will reduce, and it is actually much easier to implement. The dietaery stuff you describe - that also fits. Encouraging him to have tastes - very effective, it's what has worked best for us with difficult child 3. A "frill" for you to add - encourage him to describe the food he has just tasted, what he likes/dislikes about it. Saying, "It's yucky" is not enough, he has to say if it's the texture he finds too creamy, or if the taste is too bitter or too salty. It all encourages self-analysis and self-expression. difficult child 3 still does this - I made a flavoured sugar syrup last night and offered difficult child 3 a taste. He did what he always does - made sure he had a big drink of water handy to wash away a "yucky" taste. But he liked it, he grabbed the spoon from me and sucked it clean! difficult child 3's best friend is about 10 years old and also autistic (mild). He is VERY faddy about his food, his mother is a lot like your son's mother sounds like. Doesn't know what to do about it and really doesn't want to make any changes in parenting for him. Your rewards methods for behavioural modification - the best chance of helping, but you may need to modify it a little more (again, see Ross Greene). I understand you don't want to drag him to a wide range of experts and dozens of appointments. I think that's sensible. But a neuropsychologist, a good one, will cover most (if not all) bases and rapidly get to the crux of the diagnosis, whatever it is. And once you get a handle on it, he will be easier to manage simply because you will have a better understanding of him. He laso needs to understand himself and again, a neuropsychologist will give you the information you all need. We did worry about this one ourselves - when do you tell your child he is autistic? In difficult child 3's case the autism diagnosis is indicated because he had significant language delay. So how do you tell a kid who hasn't yet got the language to understand? We had no choice but to wait. So when do you tell him? It's like telling a kid he's adopted; at some point you need to have "the talk". difficult child 3 was into computers in a big way. He began using a computer before he was 12 months old (I'm not kidding). He was manipulating household electronic equipment (re-tuning the TV) before 18 months old. A bright kid, indeed. He started school still with language delay but was speaking in sentences by then. We told him about his autism when he was 8 years old. He was starting to see that he was different to other kids and it was making him angry, so it was Time. We organised a Sixth Sense program for him at school (a wonderful thing when done right, as this was) and this explained about autism to difficult child 3 and his classmates. We had previously written out a small social story for him about autism (he reads a lot, the written word helps him understand better). because of his extreme understanding of computers for his age, I put it in terms of computer operating systems. "We type up a text document and send it to the printer. What comes off the printer is formatted how we want it, but we can't tell if it came from a easy child or a Mac. We could have produced the document with either computer and have it look identical. But a easy child needs very different computer instructions to a Mac. And people are like computers - some have easy child brains, some have Mac brains. Different people need different operating instructions. We all learn and function in different ways and need to find the right ways for us." If you check my sig you will see why I understand Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - I have four kids, three of them to some degree Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-affected. I've seen it in different forms in each child. And because my kids tend to gravitate to other Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, I've also seen it in their friends. Again, welcome to the site. If you want to encourage your wife to post here or lurk here, she will find good company also. It also can really help you both be on the same page (even if you feel your relationship is already perfecgt, this can improve it further). There are step-parents here and spouses here. All are welcome because living with a difficult child is a strain on us all and we all need support. Marg [/QUOTE]
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