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Parent Emeritus
Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 578370" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning WG. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did. Your story is sadly all to familiar here, we parents go through hell with our adult children. Perhaps at this point you've gone to court and you know the outcome. My advice to you is do not allow him to return to your home. I think the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is an opportunity, however, without his commitment, the odds are against him. Jail may be where he ends up and I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes not only is that where they belong, but sometimes that is what wakes them up, sometimes not. </p><p></p><p>First of all, this is not your fault, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it for him. Only he can help himself. Sometimes we parents do the very best we can and our kids turn out to be a train wreck. Once these issues arise, the best path to take, as many here will tell you, is to learn to detach from your son. At the bottom of my post here is an article on detachment you may want to read. As long as we enable our children, they have no impetus to change, they stay stuck and we stay living in hell.</p><p></p><p>Start by getting support for yourself. Other posters have recommended 12 step groups, which are very helpful, do some research for those in your area. NAMI (national alliance for mental illness) has many support groups and info for parents. The hell you've lived in has taken a huge toll on YOU and you must switch the focus off of him and put it onto yourself now. He is an adult. He has to make the choice to change his life. And, whether he does or not is not your fault nor is there a way you can MAKE that happen. The only thing you can really do is learn how to respond differently. Learn how to detach from his problems. Learn how to accept what you cannot change. These are all probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but here on this board, there are many of us in some part of that detachment process and we're muddling through with the support we get here, with therapy for ourselves, with parent groups, books, learning to put ourselves first after years of being wrapped around the life of someone else.</p><p></p><p>Reaching out to us is a step in the right direction, I'm glad you've taken it. If you cruise around this site you will read many stories and they will feel familiar to you, they will help you to understand that you are not alone, you are on a journey none of us would choose, however here we are. I've learned that there are many steps along the detachment experience, there is no right way or wrong way, you simply begin because usually, there is no where else to go. You've already done everything you can for your son, now it's time to take care of you and learn to allow him to take care of himself. Is that hard? Yes. Is that necessary? Almost always. Is it the right thing to do? Absolutely. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting here, it helps a lot. I am so sorry you find yourself here, I and many others here, know exactly how your are feeling right now. If he is sent elsewhere today, you may find that the peace you find with him gone is a very good thing and will give you the rest you need. Don't feel guilty about it, enjoy it. Let us know how it turns out. I wish you some peace in all the chaos. And, I send you many gentle hugs along the way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 578370, member: 13542"] Good morning WG. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did. Your story is sadly all to familiar here, we parents go through hell with our adult children. Perhaps at this point you've gone to court and you know the outcome. My advice to you is do not allow him to return to your home. I think the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is an opportunity, however, without his commitment, the odds are against him. Jail may be where he ends up and I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes not only is that where they belong, but sometimes that is what wakes them up, sometimes not. First of all, this is not your fault, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it for him. Only he can help himself. Sometimes we parents do the very best we can and our kids turn out to be a train wreck. Once these issues arise, the best path to take, as many here will tell you, is to learn to detach from your son. At the bottom of my post here is an article on detachment you may want to read. As long as we enable our children, they have no impetus to change, they stay stuck and we stay living in hell. Start by getting support for yourself. Other posters have recommended 12 step groups, which are very helpful, do some research for those in your area. NAMI (national alliance for mental illness) has many support groups and info for parents. The hell you've lived in has taken a huge toll on YOU and you must switch the focus off of him and put it onto yourself now. He is an adult. He has to make the choice to change his life. And, whether he does or not is not your fault nor is there a way you can MAKE that happen. The only thing you can really do is learn how to respond differently. Learn how to detach from his problems. Learn how to accept what you cannot change. These are all probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but here on this board, there are many of us in some part of that detachment process and we're muddling through with the support we get here, with therapy for ourselves, with parent groups, books, learning to put ourselves first after years of being wrapped around the life of someone else. Reaching out to us is a step in the right direction, I'm glad you've taken it. If you cruise around this site you will read many stories and they will feel familiar to you, they will help you to understand that you are not alone, you are on a journey none of us would choose, however here we are. I've learned that there are many steps along the detachment experience, there is no right way or wrong way, you simply begin because usually, there is no where else to go. You've already done everything you can for your son, now it's time to take care of you and learn to allow him to take care of himself. Is that hard? Yes. Is that necessary? Almost always. Is it the right thing to do? Absolutely. Keep posting here, it helps a lot. I am so sorry you find yourself here, I and many others here, know exactly how your are feeling right now. If he is sent elsewhere today, you may find that the peace you find with him gone is a very good thing and will give you the rest you need. Don't feel guilty about it, enjoy it. Let us know how it turns out. I wish you some peace in all the chaos. And, I send you many gentle hugs along the way. [/QUOTE]
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