Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wakegirl, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Hello all. I found this forum while searching the web out of desperation. I have been living in complete hell for the past 5 years, and I'm literally at my wits end. My hair is falling out, my heart worries about my son consume my life, and has made it quite miserable. It was nice to find a place where I can vent, and people will accept me without judging me.

    I guess it's best to start with a little history. I'll list just some of the major things that have happened over the last 5 years. Keep in mind that difficult child was the perfect child, if there ever was one. Sweet. Loving. Considerate. Honor student (up until the 10th grade)....and a HUGE momma's boy (his father and I are divorced). Sadly, we're slowly becoming enemies.

    He changed schools in 10th grade, and that's when things started happening. It started with getting kicked off of the football team for dipping in the locker room. Of course, he was warned 3 times. Of course, everybody else did it, so that made it ok. The coaches were stupid, ya know? Soon after that, I caught him smoking cigarettes. Then, the fighting began. He turned into a very angry person. Always mouthing off and picking a fight with other guys, whether it was over a girl, or something somebody said. I had guys driving by my house flashing brass knuckles and baseball bats. Everybody wanted to fight. He even had a friend that got beat so severely in the head with a baseball bat, he was in the hospital for over a year. Traumatic. His grades began to decline. His anger was showing in class. He punched a brick wall because a teacher told him to put his hacky sack up. We agreed he needed in school counseling. The counselor was stupid, and didn't know the story goes. His senior year, he began dating a freshman. Ever since, he's always dated girls that are much younger. I think it's because he's on their same maturity level. But we have warned him the trouble he can get in for dating such young girls. He's invincible, and there's nothing wrong with an 18 yo dating a 14 year old. Ugh. That relationship turned VERY toxic. Fights every day. Yelling. Screaming. Controlling. Breaking phones and punching holes in the wall due to anger. I don't like judging people, but this little girl was the epitome of crazy. CRAZY. So, 2 young and crazy kids dating wasn't pretty. Fortunately, he DID graduate! Whew!! It came time to decide if he was going away to college or staying home. He had a great opportunity to go to an SEC college, tuition paid for by my parents. Of course, leaving the girlfriend behind weighed on him. He made the decision to go on his own. We were all happy and very proud of him. I spent a lot of money making his dorm room feel like home. His 2nd weekend there, he wanted to drive home for a visit! Sure, why not! When he left to go back on Sunday, he was pulled over for speeding, and got arrested for possession of marijuana, driving under the influence of marijuana, and having a case of beer in the back of his truck (he had some buddy buy it for him before he left to go back). One of his fraternity brothers bailed him out (by the way, the fraternity thing only lasted 2 months, before he was butting heads with the older guys. He didn't like being told what to do, and soon dropped out.) After taking off work to go to court with him, paying the 2300.00 fine, it was MY fault that his license got suspended. The judge was stupid. I was stupid. And NOBODY is gonna take his license away. He left the courthouse without saying goodbye to me, knowing I had driven 3 hours, and wouldn't see him again for however long. Jerk. Fast forward a few months, and he caught a ride home with a friend that lives in our area. He was driving a friends car that had a busted tail light, and got pulled over. He was arrested again for driving with a suspended drivers license. 175.00 to bail him out, and another 1200.00 in court fees that I paid. Of course, it wasn't appreciated. The cops are dumb. Yada yada yada. He flunked his first semester, and we said it was time to come home. He pleaded that he wanted a second chance and we gave it to him. Only to find out that he never went to a single class his second semester. Thousands of dollars down the drain. And a son that got a degree in drugs and alcohol 101.

    He's been home going on 2 years, and I have 5 requests of him. Get a job. Do your own laundry. Put your dishes in the dish washer. Don't do drugs. Pay me 40.00 a week for your truck insurance and cell phone. Simple. Yet he fails at ALL of them 95% of the time. He's had 3 jobs. Two of them I got for him due to my acquaintances. He lost the first one because he was constantly late, he took long lunches, he was a smartellic to his boss, and he came back from lunch sometimes smelling of weed. He was warned numerous times. The second job was just temporary help, but he blew through the 1,400.00 he made in no time. Without paying me a dime. Always had an excuse as to where his money went. His current job is experiencing a slow time, and he maybe works 1 day a week. He sleeps, eats, plays video games, and screws his girlfriend in my house when I'm not home, and sometimes when I am home. His vice is spice, or synthetic weed. It turns him into the devil. It got so bad, that I had him arrested this past October, after I had gone through numerous outrages with him. I had simply asked him a question, and it set him on fire. He began screaming at me, knocking pictures off the walls, tuning lamps over, cocking his gun at me, and then taking a knife and acting as if he was going to slit his wrist. We left him in jail for 3 days. His father took away his guns in lieu of bail. We had one stipulation. He HAD to get help after he got out. He agreed. His father went and got him and took him straight to the local treatment center (I couldn't be involved because I was the one who had him arrested, and there was a restraining order on him) . They did a 10 day outpatient assessment. I was in touch with the therapist and she did inform me that if he did not commit to intense treatment, I would be identifying him at the morgue one day, or he would end up doing a lot of jail time in the future. He is an addict in denial. He wasn't real receptive to the was ridiculous, everybody in his group has problems that have nothing to do with him, and he knew what he needed to do. So, we changed him to another treatment center. This one would provide more one on one counseling. Again, he's been unreceptive, doodles on paper, draws tattoos on his hand, and gets an attitude with the therapists. It's all been a total waste of my money, and that was proven just Sunday. I caught him smoking spice in MY HOUSE, with me just down the stairs. REALLY??? The audacity. After words were exchanged (yes, I went crazy on him this time), his girlfriend came to get him. He was gone about an hour before I got a text stating that his girlfriend is 5 weeks pregnant. This is a new girlfriend....and did I mention that she is only 16 yo?? My heart sank. Tears started flowing. I got mad. Sad. All of the above. Did I also mention that he's already been through this scare once before with the toxic girlfriend? She's already had the baby, and it's not his...thank goodness. But she led him to believe that it was for a long time. So, here I am with a 20 yo difficult child, who is on drugs, has no ambition in life, has a huge sense of entitlement, thinks he's invincible, eats me out of house and home, leaves his laundry piled up in my laundry room, leaves his dishes in the sink, has cussed me and called me every name under the sun including b****, mother f'er, c*nt, etc, stolen from me, changed the amount of a check I gave him to pay a ticket, pilfers through my room looking for change for drugs, thrown suitcases and shoes at me...and now he's going to be a father.

    We go to court tomorrow. It's a follow up from when I had him arrested in October. He has violated his probation by not working full time, not going to AA, not attending his counseling like he should and smoking spice. I'm a nervous wreck and my heart literally hurts from thinking that I may have to watch the court take him tomorrow. I've been the best mom I could possibly be, and I'm so sad....

    If you made it this far in my post, THANK YOU! Any thoughts? Advice? Anything? I'm desperate. And I want my normal life back.

  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Kick him out! I have no other words than that. He is abusing you and your home. Take him to court and if they don't put him away drive him to a shelter after it.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This boy is doing drugs, more than pot. Kick his butt out the door, take the cell phone, don't pay for anything. My daughter was on drugs and we had to kick her helped her turn her life around!! She is CLEAN now and went back to school on her dime.

    Do not bail him out when he gets into legal trouble. Most of all, take care of YOU. Go an Al-Anon meeting to get face-to-face support and help and to listen to others in the same boat. You don't have to speak at all, just listen. They are kind there. They understand. Get a therapist to help you realize that you can not make your son a responsible citizen, BUT HE CAN. It's his choice not to do so and right now you're making it cushy good for him. Don't. Make it hard and miserable. Don't enable him while he self-destructs.

    Do not blame his girlfriends. He picks them because he is toxic himself right now. He needs to clear his head and change his mindset, but nobody can decide for him to do that but him. If you can get him to willingly and eagerly go into a rehab t hat would be great, but unless he really wants to go, it won't help him.

    Been there, done it, have the tee-shirt, cried the tears, learned to let go...daughter and I are best friends now. It can happen.

    Don't enable him.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I am glad you found us but sorry you had to. Even more, sigh, I am sad to say that all of us who have been there done that know it is necessary for you to let him be in control of his choices and the repercussions that may follow. Not all of us have been down an identical road but the common bond is that we have kids who chose to derail from what they knew is and was the right path. Once drugs/alcohol become the primary focus the game rules change. Sending hugs. DDD
  5. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I just returned from meeting with his counselor. As I previuosly stated, he has court tomorrow. His counselour has written a letter for me to take to the prosecutor that states the current level or treatment is not working for difficult child and he suggests residential treatment, outside of this city. It's that or jail time. Question. If we go with the court ordered residential treatment, will it work due to the fact that it is forced? Does he have to be ready and willing to commit in order for it to be successful treatment? I've read so many different things on that matter...
  6. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    difficult child signed a release that allows his counselor to communicate with me.... Just an fyi.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, if he doesn't really want to quit, it probably won't work, but it's sure worth a try.
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It's definitely worth a try. It really cant hurt and atleast you know where he is and that he is safe. They may also be able to help him transition into independant living.
  9. Siobhan Harper

    Siobhan Harper New Member

    Oh my dear, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. No heartache in the world like it, no exhaustion equal to it. But as you're finding out here, you aren't by yourself.

    Hard as it is, I have to agree with the other posters who have said to get him out of your house NOW! You are in very real danger. The court hearing may well be a blessing, especially if he goes to the treatment center. It may work or it may not, but it provides a safe place for him and keeps you out of harm's way. If he does end up in jail, he will find out, firsthand, the consequences of his actions, and they won't be pretty or fun or cool. They'll be awful. But he may be one of those kids who has to experience the worst before he is willing to turn his life around. I'll be praying for you both tomorrow.

    Keep one thing in mind: you are not responsible for difficult child's decisions and circumstances. You have tried and are continuing to try to get help for him. It's not your fault that he is not accepting it. Do try to take the advice of other posters and start attending Al-Anon, NAMI (google it) meetings, or any other parental/family support group. You need all the support you can get right now. My husband and I had almost none, and our lives were a living hell when difficult child was a teenager. We've also learned some detachment skills and sought therapy ourselves to cope with the feelings of failure, hopelessness, etc. Take care of you, and keep us posted here.

  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning WG. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did. Your story is sadly all to familiar here, we parents go through hell with our adult children. Perhaps at this point you've gone to court and you know the outcome. My advice to you is do not allow him to return to your home. I think the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is an opportunity, however, without his commitment, the odds are against him. Jail may be where he ends up and I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes not only is that where they belong, but sometimes that is what wakes them up, sometimes not.

    First of all, this is not your fault, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it for him. Only he can help himself. Sometimes we parents do the very best we can and our kids turn out to be a train wreck. Once these issues arise, the best path to take, as many here will tell you, is to learn to detach from your son. At the bottom of my post here is an article on detachment you may want to read. As long as we enable our children, they have no impetus to change, they stay stuck and we stay living in hell.

    Start by getting support for yourself. Other posters have recommended 12 step groups, which are very helpful, do some research for those in your area. NAMI (national alliance for mental illness) has many support groups and info for parents. The hell you've lived in has taken a huge toll on YOU and you must switch the focus off of him and put it onto yourself now. He is an adult. He has to make the choice to change his life. And, whether he does or not is not your fault nor is there a way you can MAKE that happen. The only thing you can really do is learn how to respond differently. Learn how to detach from his problems. Learn how to accept what you cannot change. These are all probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but here on this board, there are many of us in some part of that detachment process and we're muddling through with the support we get here, with therapy for ourselves, with parent groups, books, learning to put ourselves first after years of being wrapped around the life of someone else.

    Reaching out to us is a step in the right direction, I'm glad you've taken it. If you cruise around this site you will read many stories and they will feel familiar to you, they will help you to understand that you are not alone, you are on a journey none of us would choose, however here we are. I've learned that there are many steps along the detachment experience, there is no right way or wrong way, you simply begin because usually, there is no where else to go. You've already done everything you can for your son, now it's time to take care of you and learn to allow him to take care of himself. Is that hard? Yes. Is that necessary? Almost always. Is it the right thing to do? Absolutely.

    Keep posting here, it helps a lot. I am so sorry you find yourself here, I and many others here, know exactly how your are feeling right now. If he is sent elsewhere today, you may find that the peace you find with him gone is a very good thing and will give you the rest you need. Don't feel guilty about it, enjoy it. Let us know how it turns out. I wish you some peace in all the chaos. And, I send you many gentle hugs along the way.