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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 388303" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"Explosive Child" is a book that should especially work for you, with the divided households thing. I suspect things are 'working' for his dad, because dad is letting the boy do whatever he wants. I'm suspecting there is a lot more going on than ADD. The ODD - definitely meets the criteria, but it's not a helpful diagnosis because it is merely descriptive, with no assistance from the tag (except maybe some support at school).</p><p></p><p>I think this lad has sensory issues (hence the weight problems - sensory issues mingled with food issues) plus control issues. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) also thee in a big way. That combination, plus poor impulse control and a short fuse (high frustration level) make him a classic for explosive behaviour.</p><p></p><p>Actually, from your description of his behaviour after your friend talked him down - I do think this lad wants to behave, but just can't cope. Despite writing mean stuff and physical attacks, he did try to hold it together later and was pleasant in how he sat with you. He accepted his punishment, he certainly seemed to realise, at some level and at some point, that his behaviour had been unacceptable. That to me says there is a lot of hope. But what you are doing now, while it may well be seen by people as good parenting in other circumstances, is not working here. In other words - you are doing the right things, for any other kid. But they are not right for this kid.</p><p></p><p>If you give him some control, or at least involvement in choices, it might ease things off a lot. Now, this does NOT mean letting him rule the roost. Not at all. He needs to understand that the choices you make for food are based on a lot of factors that YOU don't have control over - family economics, for a start. If okra is in season, and chicken was available to you inexpensively, then of course you plan on it for dinner.</p><p></p><p>We had three sensory kids in the house at the same time. The two worst for food were easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 3. easy child 2/difficult child 2 only likes smooth textures; nothing with "bits" in it, as she says, while difficult child 3 will not eat anything with a creamy texture. It was Jack Spratt and his wife... ("Jack Spratt would eat no fat, his wife would eat no lean...") and to make sure both would eat, I often had to prepare a number of meal options. Not to a huge extent, but modern conveniences make this possible. For example, I would make a chicken risotto (making it fairly dry, a lot dryer than TV chefs says is right) then put easy child 2/difficult child 2's serve aside, before stirring in some peas and other pre-cooked chopped vegetables for the others. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would then have a small individual salad or a separate serve of vegetables. But the food was not allowed to be all mixed in or she wouldn't eat it; she was tiny, badly underweight. So was difficult child 3.</p><p></p><p>I would often cook a casserole of some kind in bulk and leave it available in the fridge for either child. The vegetables in it were in big chunks so they could be removed for the child who wouldn't eat them. The occasional it not removed (plus cooking them in) meant the child got used to the flavour and over time was more accepting of them.</p><p></p><p>I would get tantrums x 2 until I allowed choice. It actually was a lot easier. I also dealt with a tantrum over food, by handing the choice completely over to the child. "You don't like what I made - you do the job. Plan the meal, buy the food, stay within budget, cook the meal and then clean up the kitchen. Until you can do all this, at least give me recognition that I am doing the best I can."</p><p>But I had to be prepared to follow through and support the child in their first attempt at preparing a family meal. For the family, not just for themselves. They do recognise how difficult it is, when they have a go. But they also value having choice, when they begin to have a go.</p><p></p><p>I was a fussy eater as a kid. My mother was also a fairly ordinary cook, and I know it can't have been easy for her, with ten mouths to feed on very little money. We grew most of our own food and has to eat what was in season. I was helping with meal preparation from very early on and we all pitched in to help harvest vegetables. I also had to learn how to pluck chickens and butcher meat. Maybe that was why I refused most meat, for years!</p><p></p><p>Another factor I think you're dealing with, is the early hormonal problems peculiar to teen boys. They get ravenous and unreasonable. "Feed me NOW!" comes from the otherwise most mild of kids. I handled this by cooking sausages in bulk and keeping cold cooked sausages in the fridge. A fast meal can be served by microwaving a couple of sausages and serving with a quick salad. Or you butter a slice of bread, apply a lettuce leaf and some tomato slices, then put on a microwaved pre-cooked sausage for a healthy snack in a minute. Our kids learned that if they were hungry, they could raid the fridge for such food. If they did not eat their dinner afterwards, it did not matter because the snack had been made from dinner-type components anyway.</p><p></p><p>Another possible issue - task-changing. It may seem weird, but pat of this problem can be the "unpleasant surprise" effect when what the child has been hoping for, for dinner, is not on the menu. Read "Explosive CHild" opening chapter for a glimpse into this kind of mind-set in the child, and what it can do. So again, knowing ahead of time what is on the menu can really help. And when I say "ahead of time" I mean days ahead. Or at best, hours. </p><p></p><p>I cook a lot of roast dinners, because cooking a separate tray of roast vegetables is really easy and makes it easy to give each person the choice of vegetables they like. difficult child 3 is the most limited in what he will eat. Also, our kids who don't like their carrots cooked are permitted to eat a whole raw carrot instead. difficult child 3 likes to eat the carrot peel so I set it aside for him in a bowl. He loves it, and it is actually really good for him. He will also eat apple peel. So if I want to have fun with him, I can make him a ribbon salad by using a potato peeler on carrot, cucumber and apple. Shred a lettuce leaf into strips, toss it all together with a couple of drops of salad vinegar (stops the apple from browning) and he has a very happy meal. It's even easier if I get him to whittle away with the peeler himself.</p><p>Praise works well. Avoid judgement and blame - he is getting the message sooner than you think, I suspect. Praise needs to be unconditional. Do NOT say, "I am so glad you're sitting here with me quietly and just talking. It's a lot better than your tantrum earlier," because you just undercut the praise with a reminder of the earlier bad behaviour. Of course you need to address the bad behaviour, but do it in ways that allow him to face it and perhaps try to understand himself and his own responses. He needs to be able to identify what it is that really is upsetting him. "I know I like chicken, and I don't really mind okra, but I had been hoping for tacos tonight. I didn't realise how much I had been thinking about tacos, until I realised we were having chicken instead." Often the child's hopes and beliefs are not reasonable. But communication between you both, such as saying in the morning "We're having okra and chicken tonight," can help him get his mind ready.</p><p></p><p>We are in a sort of routine with meals. If we have roast chicken on Sunday night, I will use leftover chicken in a meal over the next couple of days - either chicken supreme or chicken risotto. Tuesday night we eat out. Wednesday night, grandma does a mixed grill. Thursday night could be another roast, or at least roast vegetables with a grill. Friday night - combined leftovers (which gives choice) and Saturday night is fish. husband does his best to buy varieties of fish he knows difficult child 3 has eaten before and likes. But along the way, he buys what is in season, and we give difficult child 3 a taste of ours.</p><p></p><p>We also have rules for how to taste new foods. I'll share those another time, I am running late and have a big day ahead (it's just on 8 am and I should be leaving, not sitting here typing in my pyjamas!)</p><p></p><p>Welcome, we can help.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 388303, member: 1991"] "Explosive Child" is a book that should especially work for you, with the divided households thing. I suspect things are 'working' for his dad, because dad is letting the boy do whatever he wants. I'm suspecting there is a lot more going on than ADD. The ODD - definitely meets the criteria, but it's not a helpful diagnosis because it is merely descriptive, with no assistance from the tag (except maybe some support at school). I think this lad has sensory issues (hence the weight problems - sensory issues mingled with food issues) plus control issues. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) also thee in a big way. That combination, plus poor impulse control and a short fuse (high frustration level) make him a classic for explosive behaviour. Actually, from your description of his behaviour after your friend talked him down - I do think this lad wants to behave, but just can't cope. Despite writing mean stuff and physical attacks, he did try to hold it together later and was pleasant in how he sat with you. He accepted his punishment, he certainly seemed to realise, at some level and at some point, that his behaviour had been unacceptable. That to me says there is a lot of hope. But what you are doing now, while it may well be seen by people as good parenting in other circumstances, is not working here. In other words - you are doing the right things, for any other kid. But they are not right for this kid. If you give him some control, or at least involvement in choices, it might ease things off a lot. Now, this does NOT mean letting him rule the roost. Not at all. He needs to understand that the choices you make for food are based on a lot of factors that YOU don't have control over - family economics, for a start. If okra is in season, and chicken was available to you inexpensively, then of course you plan on it for dinner. We had three sensory kids in the house at the same time. The two worst for food were easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 3. easy child 2/difficult child 2 only likes smooth textures; nothing with "bits" in it, as she says, while difficult child 3 will not eat anything with a creamy texture. It was Jack Spratt and his wife... ("Jack Spratt would eat no fat, his wife would eat no lean...") and to make sure both would eat, I often had to prepare a number of meal options. Not to a huge extent, but modern conveniences make this possible. For example, I would make a chicken risotto (making it fairly dry, a lot dryer than TV chefs says is right) then put easy child 2/difficult child 2's serve aside, before stirring in some peas and other pre-cooked chopped vegetables for the others. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would then have a small individual salad or a separate serve of vegetables. But the food was not allowed to be all mixed in or she wouldn't eat it; she was tiny, badly underweight. So was difficult child 3. I would often cook a casserole of some kind in bulk and leave it available in the fridge for either child. The vegetables in it were in big chunks so they could be removed for the child who wouldn't eat them. The occasional it not removed (plus cooking them in) meant the child got used to the flavour and over time was more accepting of them. I would get tantrums x 2 until I allowed choice. It actually was a lot easier. I also dealt with a tantrum over food, by handing the choice completely over to the child. "You don't like what I made - you do the job. Plan the meal, buy the food, stay within budget, cook the meal and then clean up the kitchen. Until you can do all this, at least give me recognition that I am doing the best I can." But I had to be prepared to follow through and support the child in their first attempt at preparing a family meal. For the family, not just for themselves. They do recognise how difficult it is, when they have a go. But they also value having choice, when they begin to have a go. I was a fussy eater as a kid. My mother was also a fairly ordinary cook, and I know it can't have been easy for her, with ten mouths to feed on very little money. We grew most of our own food and has to eat what was in season. I was helping with meal preparation from very early on and we all pitched in to help harvest vegetables. I also had to learn how to pluck chickens and butcher meat. Maybe that was why I refused most meat, for years! Another factor I think you're dealing with, is the early hormonal problems peculiar to teen boys. They get ravenous and unreasonable. "Feed me NOW!" comes from the otherwise most mild of kids. I handled this by cooking sausages in bulk and keeping cold cooked sausages in the fridge. A fast meal can be served by microwaving a couple of sausages and serving with a quick salad. Or you butter a slice of bread, apply a lettuce leaf and some tomato slices, then put on a microwaved pre-cooked sausage for a healthy snack in a minute. Our kids learned that if they were hungry, they could raid the fridge for such food. If they did not eat their dinner afterwards, it did not matter because the snack had been made from dinner-type components anyway. Another possible issue - task-changing. It may seem weird, but pat of this problem can be the "unpleasant surprise" effect when what the child has been hoping for, for dinner, is not on the menu. Read "Explosive CHild" opening chapter for a glimpse into this kind of mind-set in the child, and what it can do. So again, knowing ahead of time what is on the menu can really help. And when I say "ahead of time" I mean days ahead. Or at best, hours. I cook a lot of roast dinners, because cooking a separate tray of roast vegetables is really easy and makes it easy to give each person the choice of vegetables they like. difficult child 3 is the most limited in what he will eat. Also, our kids who don't like their carrots cooked are permitted to eat a whole raw carrot instead. difficult child 3 likes to eat the carrot peel so I set it aside for him in a bowl. He loves it, and it is actually really good for him. He will also eat apple peel. So if I want to have fun with him, I can make him a ribbon salad by using a potato peeler on carrot, cucumber and apple. Shred a lettuce leaf into strips, toss it all together with a couple of drops of salad vinegar (stops the apple from browning) and he has a very happy meal. It's even easier if I get him to whittle away with the peeler himself. Praise works well. Avoid judgement and blame - he is getting the message sooner than you think, I suspect. Praise needs to be unconditional. Do NOT say, "I am so glad you're sitting here with me quietly and just talking. It's a lot better than your tantrum earlier," because you just undercut the praise with a reminder of the earlier bad behaviour. Of course you need to address the bad behaviour, but do it in ways that allow him to face it and perhaps try to understand himself and his own responses. He needs to be able to identify what it is that really is upsetting him. "I know I like chicken, and I don't really mind okra, but I had been hoping for tacos tonight. I didn't realise how much I had been thinking about tacos, until I realised we were having chicken instead." Often the child's hopes and beliefs are not reasonable. But communication between you both, such as saying in the morning "We're having okra and chicken tonight," can help him get his mind ready. We are in a sort of routine with meals. If we have roast chicken on Sunday night, I will use leftover chicken in a meal over the next couple of days - either chicken supreme or chicken risotto. Tuesday night we eat out. Wednesday night, grandma does a mixed grill. Thursday night could be another roast, or at least roast vegetables with a grill. Friday night - combined leftovers (which gives choice) and Saturday night is fish. husband does his best to buy varieties of fish he knows difficult child 3 has eaten before and likes. But along the way, he buys what is in season, and we give difficult child 3 a taste of ours. We also have rules for how to taste new foods. I'll share those another time, I am running late and have a big day ahead (it's just on 8 am and I should be leaving, not sitting here typing in my pyjamas!) Welcome, we can help. Marg [/QUOTE]
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