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Newbie! Help need advice!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 388464" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Something to consider, at least to begin with - don't force any issue if it will make him rage. And don't force too many t one time. Work on what he is more ready to work with, and leave the rest for now. He's probably raging more at home, for several reasons:</p><p></p><p>1) he can't hold it together in both places, and at home he knows he is loved unconditionally so he tends to let go more there. This is what a lot of us see.</p><p></p><p>2) You could be asking more from him behaviourally than they are at school.</p><p></p><p>A lot of the behaviours the teacher describes (the "sassiness", answering back, bothering other students) may not be insolence, merely social inappropriateness. Some kids simply cannot understand social rules as well as other kids, no matter how bright they are. They CAN learn these rules, but not so automatically as other kids. We then pressure them to behave as we "know they should, we've said it often enough" and we see them explode, because from the child's point of view, we are suddenly being unreasonable. They are doing the best they can. Really.</p><p></p><p>Trying to discipline something that the child actually can't help and is already trying to do right, can cause more problems than it helps. You need to change from being the disciplinarian, to being the teacher. Think about the purpose of punishment - it is to help them learn the right way to do things. But there are other ways to teach this, often more effectively with a child like this. These kids learn by imitating you, and right now you are teaching him how to punish other people - notably you. They treat others the same way those people treat them. </p><p></p><p>Has he been checked out for Asperger's? Or you been checked out? If it is Asperger's, it is not necessarily bad news. In fact, given what you are dealing with, it would probably be a relief because there is a lot of unexpected good stuff in such a diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>With the food - I hear you on trying to get him to expand his repertoire. But we had little to no success for years, until we were o holidays and SIL1 found a way through. When yu visit a different place, especially another country, there are different foods to try. difficult child 3 was very resistant but since a lot of his preferred foods are home-cooked, I cook in bulk and have it available for him - this wasn't possible on holidays. So we would ask difficult child 3 to have a taste of a new food, a taste only. He didn't have to have any more if he didn't like it. But think of the tragedy if he chose not to taste, and it was as delicious as chocolate! </p><p>To have a taste - difficult child 3 needs to feel in control of the situation. His preferred method is to have a glass of water handy, plus something he does like "to take the nasty taste away" if it IS nasty. difficult child 1 would use cordial concentrate instead of water (raspberry syrup, for example). </p><p>Next rule of tasting - he needs to describe how it tastes. He has to say if he likes it or not. Even if he says he likes it, he doesn't have to have any more of it. But he then has to say what it is about it that he likes, or dislikes. He has to TRY to say what would improve it.</p><p></p><p>I think SIL1 did as well with this, because he wasn't difficult child 3's parent and so was automatically more polite to him. This produced politeness in response. But by the end of the trip, difficult child 3 was eating everything on his plate as ordered in the restaurant. He was also learning to be confident that when he asked for his meal to be brought out with "no gravy, no onions," he would get what he wanted as ordered. He loved that! Again, he felt in control. And there is nothing wrong with a child having this kind of control, nothing at all. When they have control in areas that don't matter to us s parents, the child is more likely to accept parental control where it is still needed. But if this is Asperger's, you will find your child much more capable of SELF-control, once he is shown here it is needed and why. The short fuse will undermine this until he learns to control it, but these kids have a very strong capacity (and need) for control. Direct it towards self-control and engage their respect for this being needed, and you and the child will at last be working toward the same goal.</p><p></p><p>Keep reading. The book helps show you how to do this.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 388464, member: 1991"] Something to consider, at least to begin with - don't force any issue if it will make him rage. And don't force too many t one time. Work on what he is more ready to work with, and leave the rest for now. He's probably raging more at home, for several reasons: 1) he can't hold it together in both places, and at home he knows he is loved unconditionally so he tends to let go more there. This is what a lot of us see. 2) You could be asking more from him behaviourally than they are at school. A lot of the behaviours the teacher describes (the "sassiness", answering back, bothering other students) may not be insolence, merely social inappropriateness. Some kids simply cannot understand social rules as well as other kids, no matter how bright they are. They CAN learn these rules, but not so automatically as other kids. We then pressure them to behave as we "know they should, we've said it often enough" and we see them explode, because from the child's point of view, we are suddenly being unreasonable. They are doing the best they can. Really. Trying to discipline something that the child actually can't help and is already trying to do right, can cause more problems than it helps. You need to change from being the disciplinarian, to being the teacher. Think about the purpose of punishment - it is to help them learn the right way to do things. But there are other ways to teach this, often more effectively with a child like this. These kids learn by imitating you, and right now you are teaching him how to punish other people - notably you. They treat others the same way those people treat them. Has he been checked out for Asperger's? Or you been checked out? If it is Asperger's, it is not necessarily bad news. In fact, given what you are dealing with, it would probably be a relief because there is a lot of unexpected good stuff in such a diagnosis. With the food - I hear you on trying to get him to expand his repertoire. But we had little to no success for years, until we were o holidays and SIL1 found a way through. When yu visit a different place, especially another country, there are different foods to try. difficult child 3 was very resistant but since a lot of his preferred foods are home-cooked, I cook in bulk and have it available for him - this wasn't possible on holidays. So we would ask difficult child 3 to have a taste of a new food, a taste only. He didn't have to have any more if he didn't like it. But think of the tragedy if he chose not to taste, and it was as delicious as chocolate! To have a taste - difficult child 3 needs to feel in control of the situation. His preferred method is to have a glass of water handy, plus something he does like "to take the nasty taste away" if it IS nasty. difficult child 1 would use cordial concentrate instead of water (raspberry syrup, for example). Next rule of tasting - he needs to describe how it tastes. He has to say if he likes it or not. Even if he says he likes it, he doesn't have to have any more of it. But he then has to say what it is about it that he likes, or dislikes. He has to TRY to say what would improve it. I think SIL1 did as well with this, because he wasn't difficult child 3's parent and so was automatically more polite to him. This produced politeness in response. But by the end of the trip, difficult child 3 was eating everything on his plate as ordered in the restaurant. He was also learning to be confident that when he asked for his meal to be brought out with "no gravy, no onions," he would get what he wanted as ordered. He loved that! Again, he felt in control. And there is nothing wrong with a child having this kind of control, nothing at all. When they have control in areas that don't matter to us s parents, the child is more likely to accept parental control where it is still needed. But if this is Asperger's, you will find your child much more capable of SELF-control, once he is shown here it is needed and why. The short fuse will undermine this until he learns to control it, but these kids have a very strong capacity (and need) for control. Direct it towards self-control and engage their respect for this being needed, and you and the child will at last be working toward the same goal. Keep reading. The book helps show you how to do this. Marg [/QUOTE]
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