Next episode with my difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Estherfromjerusalem, Mar 31, 2009.

  1. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    He phoned me today. I was at work, and I took my cellphone outside because obviously I couldn't talk to him when I was surrounded by fellow-workers. (I work at a newspaper, and it is all open plan, and everyone can hear everyone all the time.)

    He said "You said you wanted to talk to me." So I told him first of all, that I love him, and that I have always done everything imaginable for him, that I had done more for him than for all the other children put together. He said "I know." Then he said, "Why don't you want me to come back home? Do you really mean it, that you don't want me back home?" For a split second I felt sorry for him, and then I thought, I won't be able to face my friends on the Board if I let him come home, so be strong Esther. And I told him: "No, I do not want you to come back home." He asked me why, and I said: No one threw you out. You have been living oi your own place with your girlfriend for six months, you had a good job which you left. You are young and healthy, go out and find work, and support yourself." He said: "But I won't have anywhere to live, and I will be out in the street!" I said, "You won't be out in the street, you know you can cope. And I just can't cope with having you back at home. This past six months I got used to a different pace of life, and I can't cope with the nerves and the arguments between you and your father. My blood pressure is very high, I'm going to be 64." And then -- I can't believe I said this -- I said: "I'm going to be 64. Soon I will be old. I want some time to enjoy life still while I can. After all these years, I have decided that I have to consider myself first!" I can't believe I said that. He was flabbergasted. He started bad-mouthing me."Sure, put yourself first, how selfish, when your son will be out on the street etc. etc. etc."

    I don't know. Something deep inside me seems to have changed gear. I did raise my voice a bit because he was shouting at me down the phone. But I felt calm, and in the end he said to me: "Have a good life, and have a good Passover because you won't be seeing me again! Goodbye."

    Of course I am a bit upset, but not very badly. First of all, I know he will not stay out of touch for long. And I kept on remembering what you all had said in my other post -- I think it was Witz who said it -- that he would advance and grow from this. Anyway, in my mind that's what I had to do, and I did it.

    I wonder how long it will be until he tries again! Probably a couple of days, but my mind is now so made up. My oldest child is 40. I think 40 years is long enough to devote myself to my family and wear myself out for them. Enough is enough. Truly, I want some peace and quiet.

    Love, Esther
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Think you absolutely did the correct thing...... I would add in your conversations with him (and I do think he will come around again) that if he lives with you he would always be treated as a child and it is time for him to be an adult........ hope he steps up to adulthood and you get a chance to lower your blood pressure! Thinking of you.....
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Esther -

    I know that there is the MOM side to us all, but somewhere in that conversation (maybe after - You won't see me for Passover) I found myself wanting to say "Well then there will be MORE XX (favorite food) for us." ugh.

    Hugs to you my friend.......and yes, even Moses got a break after 40 years.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Yeah Esther. I am so proud of you. Like we say in the south, "You done good, girl!"
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Esther, I feel somewhat like a broken record because I mention this so often...but I would encourage you to print out this thread and keep a copy in your purse to pull out when the phone rings.....

    I also have high blood pressure. I can't believe that your BiPolar (BP) didn't shoot up 10-20+ points during that conversation. I'm medicated and I know mine would have!

    The thing don't need to justify yourself.

    You don't need to tell him you are 64.

    You don't need to tell him that you've gotten used to your new life style.

    You don't need to

    Turn the tables on him and enjoy the shock when he knows he's going to have to grow up and figure things out for himself.

    You're doing fine- Stay strong.

    Last edited: Mar 31, 2009
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Good job. Every step forward makes it easier to take the next step.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2009
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Oh Ester, I am so glad you stood up for yourself. I am sorry that your difficult child decided to be so petulant. You did good. Keep moving foward and next time remember what Suz said, you do not have to justify or explain and you definately do not have to listen to his rants.

    So... what fun plans do you have for the rest of your life? :) -RM
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I think you handled it very well, Esther. Stay strong!
  9. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so very much.

    Suz, I've printed out the list, although I have to rush to work because I am late, but I know that if I don't do it immediately, I will forget. So thanks. You are all great friends and I shall carry on now being more decisive, and I will try not to get drawn into justifying myself with him.

    Love, Esther
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Esther, I too think you handled that first conversation with your difficult child very well.

    When I started to try learning detachment, I printed out the list and actually practiced the phrases out loud by myself. That way, I had them sort of queued up in my brain, ready to say, rather than sputtering and fumbling and saying something I really didn't want to (such as, "well, okay").

    Sending many hugs, and thoughts of calm. Your difficult child will get used to this and he will learn.

  11. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Good for you, Esther!

    He'll be fine.
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Kudos to you. And hugs. Enjoy your new focus!
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    WOW Esther,
    I need to borrow your "backbone" for sure!
    You really are strong...You've paid your dues, I so hope you get to relax more and enjoy your life.
    Love to you,
  14. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. You have no idea just how much your support has helped me to get this far.

    Tammy -- how wonderful to "see" you. How are you doing, grandma?

    Love, Esther
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Esther - You are doing great. I do know how it feels for the board to pat you on the back. They have been patting me too! I know exactly how you feel. My son has been "on the streets" for 3 weeks and recently went to jail for only 10 days! I am now wondering where he will go when he gets out of jail. It breaks my heart because I want to fix it for him and have hiim aplace to go because he cant come back home. It makes me sick because that is the opposite thing I want to do for my child is turn my back and say I dont want you home but I had to do it too. When he was at home if was *&%^% - to say the least. It doesnt help him either because I believe we are triggers for him. My son has said the same things to me or worse when I told him he coudnt come back home - he also said well mom you will probably be visiting my grave - I hope you bring lots of flowers! Devastating to my emotions but he is still living. I hope he remains living because with life there is hope. Hang in there.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so proud of you. You handled that beautifully and said what needed to be said/what difficult child needed to hear. You're right, you need to focus on yourself now and enjoy peace and joy. difficult child will make his own way, it's time for that.

    I've found I've reached this point rather early...I'm only 45.

  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hey Esther,
    Sorry I didn't see and respond to your question sooner...I simply love being a grandma to my lil grandson Joey. He lights up my world when he is around. He is gettin to be a bit of a critter lately though...the other day I babysat him and had to tell him to leave husband's computer alone (it's sitting in the living room) for about the 50th time, lol. Do you know he was smiling at me when he got closer and closer to that computer. He KNOWS what he's doing, making grandma get up and do tricks, lol. He's a smarty...hopefully not a difficult child in the making though.

    I am well, Esther, taking my medications and being as kind to myself as possible. Young difficult child had a suicide attempt a week or so ago and it's been kind of tough lately...but all and all life goes on and life is good.

    It's always nice to see you my friend, stay strong stay well .
    Hugs and love,