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no good deed goes unpunished
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 481631" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Elsie - </p><p></p><p>I didn't mean - I will never talk to you again. It's not about that. It's actually about how you perceive the world coming at you, and how you make your choices. This is not his choice really, but it sounds like you have already taken some very healthy steps to safeguard yourself physically from his abuse. That is fabulous, and an excellent beginning - I'm always pleased to hear anyone has done things like that because what you are doing is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life. </p><p></p><p>Walking away from an abusive spouse is one thing - walking away from a child that you feel sorry for because you either think you did/didn't do enough or was or was not involved in his mental status and how he turned out in being abusive at their age is quite another. Some have a hard time drawing the line in the sand, and I'm glad to see you aren't one of them. I know how hard it was for you to not open the door when he came back to the house and I know how badly that must have hurt you. I'm so sorry for what you're having to live through, and no one can know for sure - well do THIS and it's the RIGHT thing or DO THAT and it's the best thing. It is your knowledge of the entire situation that makes it unique to you - and none of us can know for sure what you are surviving. </p><p></p><p>But my point is - I don't want you to just survive this. I want you - to overcome it. Lord if detachment were and instant thing? I'd have rocked that bottle! I used to have to picture the girls here - on the board standing behind me with crossed arms, toes tapping and raised eyebrows - kinda like a militia in heels sneering at me (actually throwing daggers) daring me to baby step - backwards just one teentsy little bit. Just the thought of having to come here and post or admit that I backslid I think was worse than dealing with my kid. The fact that you are in therapy (and I'm sorry I didn't know) I'm delighted. I'm not sure what I expected out of my therapy or therapist. I can tell you I thought things would happen like *boom* and that well - THEY (son and x) were the problem and once they were more or less out of the picture MY life would just fall into place. Would have been nice....but I had a lot of issues I didn't know about, didn't want to necessarily deal with, didn't want to admit...Oh my sordid little list goes on and on. Point is ---I just don't want anyone else to EVER feel like they HAVE to accept being less than they are from anyone - beit kid, boss, husband, wife - neighbor (nosey little board member named star) ahem......who sometimes gets over zealous for the right reasons but doesn't come and read as much as she used to.....ugh. </p><p></p><p>Anyway - Just making sure that you know you're important to me, and the rest of the community here......and the world - and to your son - although while he's got a mad hot case of cranialrectalidis? He doesn't know it. It took me nearly three years to hear an "Im sorry or You're right" out of my own son - but those years were bittersweet for me. The quiet? Almost worse than the yelling some days.....and the odd thing was - the first year? My therapist said I created chaos in my life to REPLACE what I had lost with my son - CRAZY huh? But I did. I missed the adreneline -or the arguing or the nutty house upside down chaotic, madness - it was what I was used to for over 20 years......and then? It was gone - and too peaceful and quiet and even though I thought it was what I wanted, and had begged for it for years? Cried actually - when I got it? I hadn't a clue what to do with myself - so I picked and picked -----and picked - until I got chaos.....and even then wasn't happy. Glad I was in therapy then too. Made myself buggy. </p><p></p><p>In any event? I'm very glad you're here! Thanks for the opportunity to jump in on your thread and DrFILL it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love - </p><p>STar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 481631, member: 4964"] Elsie - I didn't mean - I will never talk to you again. It's not about that. It's actually about how you perceive the world coming at you, and how you make your choices. This is not his choice really, but it sounds like you have already taken some very healthy steps to safeguard yourself physically from his abuse. That is fabulous, and an excellent beginning - I'm always pleased to hear anyone has done things like that because what you are doing is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life. Walking away from an abusive spouse is one thing - walking away from a child that you feel sorry for because you either think you did/didn't do enough or was or was not involved in his mental status and how he turned out in being abusive at their age is quite another. Some have a hard time drawing the line in the sand, and I'm glad to see you aren't one of them. I know how hard it was for you to not open the door when he came back to the house and I know how badly that must have hurt you. I'm so sorry for what you're having to live through, and no one can know for sure - well do THIS and it's the RIGHT thing or DO THAT and it's the best thing. It is your knowledge of the entire situation that makes it unique to you - and none of us can know for sure what you are surviving. But my point is - I don't want you to just survive this. I want you - to overcome it. Lord if detachment were and instant thing? I'd have rocked that bottle! I used to have to picture the girls here - on the board standing behind me with crossed arms, toes tapping and raised eyebrows - kinda like a militia in heels sneering at me (actually throwing daggers) daring me to baby step - backwards just one teentsy little bit. Just the thought of having to come here and post or admit that I backslid I think was worse than dealing with my kid. The fact that you are in therapy (and I'm sorry I didn't know) I'm delighted. I'm not sure what I expected out of my therapy or therapist. I can tell you I thought things would happen like *boom* and that well - THEY (son and x) were the problem and once they were more or less out of the picture MY life would just fall into place. Would have been nice....but I had a lot of issues I didn't know about, didn't want to necessarily deal with, didn't want to admit...Oh my sordid little list goes on and on. Point is ---I just don't want anyone else to EVER feel like they HAVE to accept being less than they are from anyone - beit kid, boss, husband, wife - neighbor (nosey little board member named star) ahem......who sometimes gets over zealous for the right reasons but doesn't come and read as much as she used to.....ugh. Anyway - Just making sure that you know you're important to me, and the rest of the community here......and the world - and to your son - although while he's got a mad hot case of cranialrectalidis? He doesn't know it. It took me nearly three years to hear an "Im sorry or You're right" out of my own son - but those years were bittersweet for me. The quiet? Almost worse than the yelling some days.....and the odd thing was - the first year? My therapist said I created chaos in my life to REPLACE what I had lost with my son - CRAZY huh? But I did. I missed the adreneline -or the arguing or the nutty house upside down chaotic, madness - it was what I was used to for over 20 years......and then? It was gone - and too peaceful and quiet and even though I thought it was what I wanted, and had begged for it for years? Cried actually - when I got it? I hadn't a clue what to do with myself - so I picked and picked -----and picked - until I got chaos.....and even then wasn't happy. Glad I was in therapy then too. Made myself buggy. In any event? I'm very glad you're here! Thanks for the opportunity to jump in on your thread and DrFILL it. Hugs & Love - STar [/QUOTE]
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