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Parent Emeritus
Not coping well, missing my difficult child and heartsick that he doesn't care.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 472298" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dear S - </p><p></p><p>I'm so very proud of you for making and keeping that T doctor appointment. I will be keeping you in my thougths tomorrow that your journey to find the underlying reasons for why you are feeling so strongly about the events in your life, and hopefully will work hard to get to the core answers for the peace you desperately need. Racing thoughts, sleepless nights, constant negative projection of what if he.......where is he, how is he, how could he, when will he - are all things that you need to work on turning off in your own mind so you can breath, relax and see the forest for the tree; so to speak. Being hyperfocused especially when it's about things we can no longer control? Tends to make us nuts. Our brains even work while we're sleeping to try and maniuplate and figure out ways to gain that control back - in essence we get no sleep even when we are sleeping because even our REM sleep is being disturbed by thoughts that need to be literally evacuated from our minds and we just don't know how to do it. That's where the professional comes in - and trust - there will be a long time of knowing this person and talking to them, before you really get to the crux of what is actually bothering you. </p><p></p><p>I say this because a lot of times what WE think on the surface seems so black and white - My son is not living the good life we planned out for him, he's throwing his chances away, I know what will become of his life if he doesn't do what I planned for him and I must work dilligently day and night to fix this somehow, someway - or else it will never ever be right and he won't be happy and I, I ......I.......me , me, me....and then the therapist steps in and says "Sometimes you have to realize that the death of a plan or the death of a dream is often harder than an actual death of a child." I mean it was said to me....and after having buried one? I thought he was absurd. But in a way? The child we buried - was gone. There was no more dreams, no more fixing....no more I wishes....he was gone. Done. With the youngest difficult child I still had hope - and hope springs eternal and made me nuts. True I kept altering my levels of expectations.....I mean when HE was born - OH boy - A genius for sure, a veterinarian, maybe president. Did I ever tell you he talked at 7 months? Full sentences by age 1 year. Brilliant child. Could read, knew his colors, ABC - before he went to school like he should have skipped a grade. We were sure he was a prodigy. I saw scholarship written all over him. Then acting out, calls to the prinicpals office, suspensions....and slowly you start to realize...but not EVER admit.....Okay - let's get through grade school. Then let's get through Residential Treatment Center (RTC), middle school -----lets get out of the court mess, and jail.....and OMG will he ever graduate and get out of my house? Then when he was gone? I was a pit. I mean part of me was so glad for the tension to be gone...and the other part......cried a lot. Not much different than you at all. Really. </p><p></p><p>I'd wait by the phone for a call. I'd check the email.....I'd casually look at the mail box....and cry myself to sleep - and I kept going to therapy. I learned things that were invaluable. It made my fiance crazy. In all the whirlwind? We buried another son......and life just was so quiet. I mean there I was......could not WAIT for my time alone in the house and it took me THREE YEARS.....to move a single thing out of the boys' bedroom. It took him almost TWO years.......to call and talk to me on a regular basis. I sent nothing. He lived in the park....he was miserable.....he was hit by a city bus, by a car.....his own bio father tried to kill him twice....he was eating out of dumpsters.......Do you think this is stuff I needed to hear? No clothes, no home, filthy clothes? But the thing was.......HE was alive.....these were HIS choices because he COULD have LIVED AT OUR HOME ---the rules were much simpler here than in the park or the homeless shelter....or than paying for your own rent, utilities or having all your own stuff stolen and being beaten by your biodad....LOADS simpler...but stubborn boy? Nope - not doing it.....so those choices while breaking a Mothers heart? WERE HIS CHOICES.....TO MAKE......NOT MINE.....and what I had to learn in thearpy was WHY THEY BOTHERED ME SO MUCH...why I FELT THE NEED TO ALTER HIS LIFE and not keep my nose in MY LIFE......and mostly because I wasn't happy with my own life....and felt with his life ------I could see mistakes I made in mine and could fix his and NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I had SO MUCH fixing to do in MY LIFE......it took me 15 years......in therapy. Some of that was due to being adopted, some was due to mistakes I made in picking an abusive husband (x) ..........some was due to twisted logic from that relationship....and when I finally figured out that deep down I was happy - and let it out? It made a world of difference.......A HUGE WORLD.......but it took....</p><p>Having the courage to go to therapy even when I didn't want to ----even what IT HURT TO FACE THE STUFFED AWAY JUNK I DID NOT ABSOLUTELY WANT TO DEAL WITH......from my past.....looking at myself in the mirror and being truthful about me.......and not blaming my son....but taking responsibility for my shortcomings and fixing what I could and accepting the rest.....and asking for forgiveness of those I'd not realized I had hurt -but hurt.....and staying away from TOXIC things......even if they were my kid, best friends......adopted daughters and my grandkids. </p><p></p><p>I mean.....we're not perfect. But figuring out when we had that first moment we lied to ourselves and said OH YES I AM......and watched our life snowball out of control down unhappy hill gathering speed and misery? Well - for me it was pretty much a life-long roll. Had no clue either. Ijust knew I wasn't happy - not really happy - and after I figured out WHO I was.......and WHAT made me happy? I felt free. With or without my sons approval and family dynamic......it's sad that we aren't all the Hallmark Christmas.......havent' seen him in three years........maybe someday. I have a little hope.......but he has little desire to come here - so not all of our kids want to be back home.....with Mom. For that? I'm kinda glad. To me it means I've done SOMETHING right - and at 21.....he should be on his own. </p><p></p><p>I hope tomorrow goes well for you hon - I really do. I've been where you are, and do NOT envy you one minute of your battle - it's tough - but I'll tell you something I know for just the short time I've known you here - YOU ARE much MUCH tougher......and your willingness to come here, ask and help others? Tells me.....You'll make it big time. Just takes time. And right now? That's what you have a lot of. </p><p></p><p>Many hugs and lots of love - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 472298, member: 4964"] Dear S - I'm so very proud of you for making and keeping that T doctor appointment. I will be keeping you in my thougths tomorrow that your journey to find the underlying reasons for why you are feeling so strongly about the events in your life, and hopefully will work hard to get to the core answers for the peace you desperately need. Racing thoughts, sleepless nights, constant negative projection of what if he.......where is he, how is he, how could he, when will he - are all things that you need to work on turning off in your own mind so you can breath, relax and see the forest for the tree; so to speak. Being hyperfocused especially when it's about things we can no longer control? Tends to make us nuts. Our brains even work while we're sleeping to try and maniuplate and figure out ways to gain that control back - in essence we get no sleep even when we are sleeping because even our REM sleep is being disturbed by thoughts that need to be literally evacuated from our minds and we just don't know how to do it. That's where the professional comes in - and trust - there will be a long time of knowing this person and talking to them, before you really get to the crux of what is actually bothering you. I say this because a lot of times what WE think on the surface seems so black and white - My son is not living the good life we planned out for him, he's throwing his chances away, I know what will become of his life if he doesn't do what I planned for him and I must work dilligently day and night to fix this somehow, someway - or else it will never ever be right and he won't be happy and I, I ......I.......me , me, me....and then the therapist steps in and says "Sometimes you have to realize that the death of a plan or the death of a dream is often harder than an actual death of a child." I mean it was said to me....and after having buried one? I thought he was absurd. But in a way? The child we buried - was gone. There was no more dreams, no more fixing....no more I wishes....he was gone. Done. With the youngest difficult child I still had hope - and hope springs eternal and made me nuts. True I kept altering my levels of expectations.....I mean when HE was born - OH boy - A genius for sure, a veterinarian, maybe president. Did I ever tell you he talked at 7 months? Full sentences by age 1 year. Brilliant child. Could read, knew his colors, ABC - before he went to school like he should have skipped a grade. We were sure he was a prodigy. I saw scholarship written all over him. Then acting out, calls to the prinicpals office, suspensions....and slowly you start to realize...but not EVER admit.....Okay - let's get through grade school. Then let's get through Residential Treatment Center (RTC), middle school -----lets get out of the court mess, and jail.....and OMG will he ever graduate and get out of my house? Then when he was gone? I was a pit. I mean part of me was so glad for the tension to be gone...and the other part......cried a lot. Not much different than you at all. Really. I'd wait by the phone for a call. I'd check the email.....I'd casually look at the mail box....and cry myself to sleep - and I kept going to therapy. I learned things that were invaluable. It made my fiance crazy. In all the whirlwind? We buried another son......and life just was so quiet. I mean there I was......could not WAIT for my time alone in the house and it took me THREE YEARS.....to move a single thing out of the boys' bedroom. It took him almost TWO years.......to call and talk to me on a regular basis. I sent nothing. He lived in the park....he was miserable.....he was hit by a city bus, by a car.....his own bio father tried to kill him twice....he was eating out of dumpsters.......Do you think this is stuff I needed to hear? No clothes, no home, filthy clothes? But the thing was.......HE was alive.....these were HIS choices because he COULD have LIVED AT OUR HOME ---the rules were much simpler here than in the park or the homeless shelter....or than paying for your own rent, utilities or having all your own stuff stolen and being beaten by your biodad....LOADS simpler...but stubborn boy? Nope - not doing it.....so those choices while breaking a Mothers heart? WERE HIS CHOICES.....TO MAKE......NOT MINE.....and what I had to learn in thearpy was WHY THEY BOTHERED ME SO MUCH...why I FELT THE NEED TO ALTER HIS LIFE and not keep my nose in MY LIFE......and mostly because I wasn't happy with my own life....and felt with his life ------I could see mistakes I made in mine and could fix his and NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I had SO MUCH fixing to do in MY LIFE......it took me 15 years......in therapy. Some of that was due to being adopted, some was due to mistakes I made in picking an abusive husband (x) ..........some was due to twisted logic from that relationship....and when I finally figured out that deep down I was happy - and let it out? It made a world of difference.......A HUGE WORLD.......but it took.... Having the courage to go to therapy even when I didn't want to ----even what IT HURT TO FACE THE STUFFED AWAY JUNK I DID NOT ABSOLUTELY WANT TO DEAL WITH......from my past.....looking at myself in the mirror and being truthful about me.......and not blaming my son....but taking responsibility for my shortcomings and fixing what I could and accepting the rest.....and asking for forgiveness of those I'd not realized I had hurt -but hurt.....and staying away from TOXIC things......even if they were my kid, best friends......adopted daughters and my grandkids. I mean.....we're not perfect. But figuring out when we had that first moment we lied to ourselves and said OH YES I AM......and watched our life snowball out of control down unhappy hill gathering speed and misery? Well - for me it was pretty much a life-long roll. Had no clue either. Ijust knew I wasn't happy - not really happy - and after I figured out WHO I was.......and WHAT made me happy? I felt free. With or without my sons approval and family dynamic......it's sad that we aren't all the Hallmark Christmas.......havent' seen him in three years........maybe someday. I have a little hope.......but he has little desire to come here - so not all of our kids want to be back home.....with Mom. For that? I'm kinda glad. To me it means I've done SOMETHING right - and at 21.....he should be on his own. I hope tomorrow goes well for you hon - I really do. I've been where you are, and do NOT envy you one minute of your battle - it's tough - but I'll tell you something I know for just the short time I've known you here - YOU ARE much MUCH tougher......and your willingness to come here, ask and help others? Tells me.....You'll make it big time. Just takes time. And right now? That's what you have a lot of. Many hugs and lots of love - Star [/QUOTE]
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