Not feeling Christmas

[beebz]

and I reckon I'm not alone. I just talked to my husband on the phone and he said "what are we going to get your folks for Christmas" and I felt like blowing something/anything up ! ! I'm so sick of the same old question. For nearly 60 days pre Christmas, sometimes more for others, you hear the same old question over and over and over. What are we getting so and so. What size is so and so. What does so and so need? I could list 100 more stupid questions - favorite color? but I guess you all know what I mean.

I was so happy to run into someone in the market the other day that said "I'm not feeling it", "I'm not even going to put up a tree", to which I replied, "I don't want to either but I have to because the grands stay with me". ugh

I don't know what it is but I am more and more and more depressed lately. I see my family doctor soon for my check up and there just isn't another pill I can try.

We're in the middle of a snow storm. It is ice now, sheets of ice; and of course y'all know who I'm thinking of? yep - my homeless son.
I've got past the pain before, cheered up, but it always comes back, and right now it is back to where I even cry at cartoons.

I was really really really angry at something the other day, and then my granddaughter remembered *too two and to* from the previous weekend and I was so proud of her. And liter and litter., same sound/word, different meaning. She is 7. I cried. If we could only keep them so free of pain/drugs/bullies. Oh the innocence of my son when he was that age. The beauty of an infant, a 6 year old, an 8 year old; friends sober adult children/stories; and then my pain that I cannot shake.

My folks built a wing on my house; they are 85 and 90 and spent nearly their life savings to do so. They wanted way more than they need ! ! ! ! (what a waste) anyhow, they have lost two children to this plight. Their other daughter and their son. I am their last daughter, obviously I lost my brother and sister and my sisters son - ALL from drugs. I don't know how they go on. I don't know how they've lived their life of pain. 3 dead - 3 dead before them, burying their son, daughter and grandson. wtf -

I pray constantly because thats all I can do; but the prayers aren't magically working like I wish they would. I can't take no more. I am so empty and without joy lately. My husband is out of town again, which is usually when I write here. When he goes, I get in this chair and cry and don't eat until he comes home. I can walk right to my mom and dads wing of my house but I don't want to. I don't want to be coddled. I want to be alone. I am alone right now with all my naughty animals.
CC won't stop barking. She barks at fly farts. She barks at everything. She is on my nerves big time.
My Boxer has a week bladder so I opened my eyes to his puddle this morning. Cleaning pee before my coffee. My Boxer is also a wuss with the snow so he poops up against the door on the deck; then his simple arse steps in it. I let him in and he does the typical Boxer wiggle, jump, scoot, up down turn around joy of seeing me in the morning as all the poo poo get wiped off one of his paws onto my new semi white carpet - so on my knees, before cawfee, steaming and oxy(ing) out poo. The cat, that little witch is climbing my Christmas tree all day. Ornaments are all over the floor. I pick her up every time, toss her out the front door and say NO STOP NO STOP - then let her back in - she does it again, I yell, she runs, I catch her, toss her out, NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP and let her back in. I think the 4th time, she came in, went under the tree, and fell asleep. Did she learn? I sure hope so.

I like the spirit of the season; the snow, ice, chocolate, cookies, games, the memories of ornaments, the lights, gifts the the little ones ONLY ! but, the commercialization makes me down right grumpy. The planet needs to act loving year round, not one dang day out of the whole year.

I have ornaments of my homeless son; one is a crocheted snowflake white ornament with his kindergarten photo inside. The other is a tea saucer size paper plate with his little tiny red handprint on one side and a poem on the other. Is this poem all I'm going to have left of him if he doesn't make it through life? Is this all there is? A paper plate with a handprint and a poem?

**Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
I always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls
But everyday I'm growing up
and soon I'll be so tall,
that all those little handprints
Will be so hard to recall.
So heres a little handprint,
just so you can remember.......
Exactly how my fingers looked
This holiday in December

Kindergarten 1989

Love you all and am keeping you all in my thoughts. You are not alone. We are out here by the millions; sadly. ~beebz

 

[BusynMember1]

I am so so sorry that you are depressed. Christmas is hard for so many. I am sad that you are struggling.

I am glad you are seeing your doctor. I have had to take an antidepressant in the past when things were really rough and I could not shake the depression. It weighs us down. I had to work or else I may not have left the house. I hope you feel better after Christmas is over.

Sending many prayers and my love.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Beebz,

We are with you. Your post was so sad, sweet, painful and hilarious (regarding your pets).

The holidays have gotten much easier for me. Sadly, that was in large part probably due to our Difficult Child ruining more than one get-together for other family members.

This stuff is so tough....and your parents....oh wow.

Hugs,
SS

 

[JayPee]

Beebz

Mourning the loss of what we wish we had is a tough one. We have a snow storm then a cold snap heading our way. I often wish my sons could be nestled in their beds with clean sheets and warm blankets. Gosh does that seem like too much to ask?

But then I climb out of the dark hole and remind myself of choices, mental illness, addictions, laziness, inability to function in society. It’s more than anything I’m able to fix. I sure tried but I’m learning to turn it over to God.

I have to have hope that He is taking care of them. Luckily for sons and myself I remember that God loves us not because we are good but because He is good.

Take good care of yourself. Sending prayers for a brighter tomorrow.

 

[MissLulu]

Hi Beebz,

I can feel the pain in your words, and I understand because I have days when I feel the same way. In fact, almost every day contains at least a moment of raw pain, grief or fear for me. Right now, I'm trying to limit the amount of time I let myself feel it. By that I mean I allow myself a certain amount of time - ten minutes in the shower, half an hour alone during the day or whatever - and during that time I really allow myself to give into my pain. When the time is up I do something to distract myself - go back to work (I work from home) or clean the house, call a friend, watch TV - anything that takes my mind off it. I don't know if this would work for you but it helps me sometimes (not always!)

I am thinking of you and I sincerely hope you are able to find even a small amount of joy this holiday season. But if not, that's okay too. I find the holidays particularly hard. Here in Australia it is the end of the academic year as well as the holidays. I am bombarded by pictures of happy families celebrating their children's success. This feels like a dagger in my heart, even though I myself have two other very successful children. I know that the pictures don't necessarily tell the whole story because to outsiders we probably look like a happy family too, but even so I keep lamenting the fact that I have such a dysfunctional child. Some days it feels like I'll never truly be happy again.

Sending you love and hugs. We'll get through this time together.

L xx

 

[WiseChoices]

Beebz, my heart is with you during this difficult time for you.

 

[Beta]

Beebz,
I don't know what to say other than I hurt for you and the pain you are in. I too am glad that you're seeing your doctor. All of us here live with some level of grief and sorrow but what you're experiencing right now is debilitating depression and needs to be treated.
I almost cried when I read your son's kindergarten poem. I so get what your saying. I have photo albums and momentos from Josh's life that I will probably never look at again, at least as long as he is estranged from us and untreated. I just can't handle seeing what once was and what I expected his life to be like when those photos were taken. As it is, I have memories come into my mind frequently, and it's hard to compare those past times to what IS right now.

My quote function isn't functioning at the moment but what Jaypee says here:
Mourning the loss of what we wish we had is a tough one. We have a snow storm then a cold snap heading our way. I often wish my sons could be nestled in their beds with clean sheets and warm blankets. Gosh does that seem like too much to ask?

But then I climb out of the dark hole and remind myself of choices, mental illness, addictions, laziness, inability to function in society. It’s more than anything I’m able to fix. I sure tried but I’m learning to turn it over to God.

I have to have hope that He is taking care of them. Luckily for sons and myself I remember that God loves us not because we are good but because He is good.

I think about our son, as you do, and imagine what it would be like to have him here and cook him a good meal, have him sleep in a clean, warm bed, and just talk with him in a normal conversation. But like Jaypee, I too have to stop and remind myself that I have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to do, and it has all failed. Everything. God loves him way more than I do and is there for him whenever he wants to turn to Him. Praying for that helps me because I know God is good and kind and powerful, and He doesn't want me carrying a burden I can't carry and one I was never meant to carry in the first place.

As another poster said, it's okay not to be cheery and happy at this time of year. There are many, many people struggling with sadness at this time, and the expectation to be happy and cheerful only makes it worse. We're here for you; you are not alone in this.

 

[RN0441]

I would like to toss my hat in the ring too - supporting you in your sadness today.

At church on Sunday our pastor talked about how we all want that perfect Christmas. And how so many people are dealing with so much during this time of year. Knowing they want to be happy and be with their loved ones and everyone to be safe and happy. It truly is a fantasy that most of us never realize.

I agree with the other posters.

Give it to God.

That's all that any of us can do when we hurt inside.

Please find the joy that you have when your granddaughter shows you her joy simply at learning something new. Maybe you should just focus on that this holiday season.

That is so much more than so many have.

 

[Blindsided]

and I reckon I'm not alone. I just talked to my husband on the phone and he said "what are we going to get your folks for Christmas" and I felt like blowing something/anything up ! ! I'm so sick of the same old question. For nearly 60 days pre Christmas, sometimes more for others, you hear the same old question over and over and over. What are we getting so and so. What size is so and so. What does so and so need? I could list 100 more stupid questions - favorite color? but I guess you all know what I mean.

I was so happy to run into someone in the market the other day that said "I'm not feeling it", "I'm not even going to put up a tree", to which I replied, "I don't want to either but I have to because the grands stay with me". ugh

I don't know what it is but I am more and more and more depressed lately. I see my family doctor soon for my check up and there just isn't another pill I can try.

We're in the middle of a snow storm. It is ice now, sheets of ice; and of course y'all know who I'm thinking of? yep - my homeless son.
I've got past the pain before, cheered up, but it always comes back, and right now it is back to where I even cry at cartoons.

I was really really really angry at something the other day, and then my granddaughter remembered *too two and to* from the previous weekend and I was so proud of her. And liter and litter., same sound/word, different meaning. She is 7. I cried. If we could only keep them so free of pain/drugs/bullies. Oh the innocence of my son when he was that age. The beauty of an infant, a 6 year old, an 8 year old; friends sober adult children/stories; and then my pain that I cannot shake.

My folks built a wing on my house; they are 85 and 90 and spent nearly their life savings to do so. They wanted way more than they need ! ! ! ! (what a waste) anyhow, they have lost two children to this plight. Their other daughter and their son. I am their last daughter, obviously I lost my brother and sister and my sisters son - ALL from drugs. I don't know how they go on. I don't know how they've lived their life of pain. 3 dead - 3 dead before them, burying their son, daughter and grandson. wtf -

I pray constantly because thats all I can do; but the prayers aren't magically working like I wish they would. I can't take no more. I am so empty and without joy lately. My husband is out of town again, which is usually when I write here. When he goes, I get in this chair and cry and don't eat until he comes home. I can walk right to my mom and dads wing of my house but I don't want to. I don't want to be coddled. I want to be alone. I am alone right now with all my naughty animals.
CC won't stop barking. She barks at fly farts. She barks at everything. She is on my nerves big time.
My Boxer has a week bladder so I opened my eyes to his puddle this morning. Cleaning pee before my coffee. My Boxer is also a wuss with the snow so he poops up against the door on the deck; then his simple arse steps in it. I let him in and he does the typical Boxer wiggle, jump, scoot, up down turn around joy of seeing me in the morning as all the poo poo get wiped off one of his paws onto my new semi white carpet - so on my knees, before cawfee, steaming and oxy(ing) out poo. The cat, that little witch is climbing my Christmas tree all day. Ornaments are all over the floor. I pick her up every time, toss her out the front door and say NO STOP NO STOP - then let her back in - she does it again, I yell, she runs, I catch her, toss her out, NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP and let her back in. I think the 4th time, she came in, went under the tree, and fell asleep. Did she learn? I sure hope so.

I like the spirit of the season; the snow, ice, chocolate, cookies, games, the memories of ornaments, the lights, gifts the the little ones ONLY ! but, the commercialization makes me down right grumpy. The planet needs to act loving year round, not one dang day out of the whole year.

I have ornaments of my homeless son; one is a crocheted snowflake white ornament with his kindergarten photo inside. The other is a tea saucer size paper plate with his little tiny red handprint on one side and a poem on the other. Is this poem all I'm going to have left of him if he doesn't make it through life? Is this all there is? A paper plate with a handprint and a poem?

**Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
I always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls
But everyday I'm growing up
and soon I'll be so tall,
that all those little handprints
Will be so hard to recall.
So heres a little handprint,
just so you can remember.......
Exactly how my fingers looked
This holiday in December

Kindergarten 1989

Love you all and am keeping you all in my thoughts. You are not alone. We are out here by the millions; sadly. ~beebz

With you. Thank you for sharing how I feel right now. In healing for all of us.

 

[susiestar]

I completely understand how you feel. I am doing holiday stuff because my kids need me. Period. I totally understand about the cat. Mine flipped me off yesterday. Yes, the idiot cat flipped me off. He has seen other people do it jokingly. He didn't like it when I got him wet (just his paws), so he turned around and held his front paw up like he was raising his middle finger at me. The look on his face made it VERY clear he was doing something disrespectful, lol. And I used to have a cat who climbed the Christmas tree. We put a hook in the ceiling and anchored the tree with it because otherwise we were picking it up all day long because the cat was heavy enough to knock it over when she climbed it. She was black, so sometimes all you saw were her 2 little eyes gleaming at you from under the shaking branches. Rather disconcerting when you were waiting for the coffee to brew.

I just want it all to be over. Esp having to meet husband's parents at his grave. I know they don't really want me there, or want anything to do with me. But since they called, I feel obligated to go. At least my mother is going with us. The boys just are not going. They don't want to see his parents (they don't even call them grandparents thanks to the great disinterest shown in past years which father in law is now regretting.) I am only going out of respect for husband. It will be short, hopefully.

 

[JMom]

Beebz,

I too, remember a cold, icy Christmas without my Josh due to homelessness. It is so hard to reconcile situations that are not natural as mothers.

Please eat, shower, chase the crazy animals and embrace the alone time to grieve.

I want you to be healthy and strong to endure what the future holds. You never know, you might one day have your Josh, in his bed, while you have your coffee. Maybe not, but a girl can dream. Celebrate the fact that YOU are sober. You've managed to stay stone cold sober and feel EVERYTHING while others had the escape of a high.

That is quite the accomplishment!!! We sobers have to stick together and prop one another up. We will be your sober family!

I'm sitting next to you, psychotic cat in my lap and we are sipping coffee together. We made it this far girlfriend, we've got this. Let's tuck in our crazy and face the day together!!!!

I don't know you, but I love ya kiddo!

 

[overcome mom]

beebz, boy can I relate. I am trying so hard to get into the spirit or at least get through this next week not totally depressed but it is not working. My son is in jail still and will be for who knows how long. I had some girl friends over last night to celebrate (we have exchanged small presents for years). I was hoping this would put be in a better mood as it is the only Christmas related celebration, I am going to have but it ended up not helping. This was partly because I had a discussion with my son about how much money he spends and how he never saves. This is a rather long story, but it made me realize that he has not changed, and it doesn't look like he may ever change which regards to his compulsion to spend immediately what he has with no regards for the future. To top off the night my husband came home drunk. I haven't talked about it here but my husband has an alcohol problem. I don't know why really as this is a place of anonymity, but it seems most people have a good relationship with their husband. We have been married 34 years and he has had a problem at least half of the time. It had gotten way worse lately.
Beez, I am just trying to live in the moment, but right now I moment is not great. I am looking forward to it getting better. I know I am blessed in many ways but the most important things in my life, my husband and son are both in a bad place.

 

[BusynMember1]

Overcome mom, your post touched me. I am so sorry for your pain. Trust me, my marriage is good now but we almost divorced not so long ago over differences seen in how to handle Kay. It was awful. Don't be afraid to share. We all know addiction.

Christmas is very hard for me and here is why. I had a fourth child, a son, who died of cancer and he was my happiest, sweetest child. He got sick very quickly and passed quickly too. His birthday and passing days are both in between Thanksgiving and Christmas. My angel is always on my mind this time of year. Nothing can prevent this. My husband and kids also struggle. This is not our favorite time of year.

I try to focus on Christmas being about Jesus and that is what helps me. I try to separate personal pain from celebrating my God. We are in church Christmas Eve and Day.

I am always relieved on January 2nd. It means the holiday season is DONE.

Try to find love and peace this holiday in any way that you can. It is hard for most of us, I think.

 

[JayPee]

Overcome

I feel your pain. I was married for 30 years to an alcoholic and I’d have to say most of it involved alcohol and conflicts. The last ten years it became progressively worst. I find it interesting that you slip it into the conversation as you mentioned nonchalantly.

I still remember about 4 yrs ago I had contacted one of the rehabs locally and began discussing drug issues with my son and how I could help him. Then in conversation I recall saying nonchalantly oh and by the way I’m married to an alcoholic. The woman on the other end stopped me in my tracks and said please if there’s nothing else you do for yourself today contact Al anon. I had never shared out loud my problems and she was the first person to show me compassion. As you are fully aware being married to an active alcoholic not much attention is given to yourself. It’s always about dealing with the next crisis and how you’re going to make everything normal again to the public eye.

It still took me another year to get to Al anon because I didn’t see me as the problem and misunderstood the program. I’ve been in Al anon almost 3 years and have been divorced two and have learned self care. A very foreign concept to me.

In my opinion just taking the problem out of isolation is the first step albeit in a very long journey to your recovery.

Always remember you didn’t cause it you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

 

[overcome mom]

Busy and Jaypee thanks so much for the support. Busy, I can't imagine the grief that comes from losing a child. I guess part of the reason I didn't mention about my husband's drinking, is that I have seen this as a place to talk about our children not so much our spouses. Of course when I am also dealing with my husband it makes handling all that is going on with my son a lot harder. My husband has never been violent or mean when he is drinking, in fact everything is always "great" and I shouldn't worry about anything. He gets drunk maybe 3-4 nights a week and doesn't drink during the day. On the nights he is under the influence it ranges from a little buzzed to staggering drunk. Because of his behavior dealing with my son's behavior, be it reporting him as a run away ,picking him up from the police stations, finding mental health treatment facilities, counseling, etc.is always up to me. He says I do all this because if he handles it he will not be handling it right. The fact of the matter is he just doesn't deal with it the majority of the time. He is a great guy when he is not under the influence. I have tried like anyone would to talk to him about his behavior and as we all know it is up to him to do something about it. In the past he would get himself together and would keep it under control, this has not been the case for the last couple of years. As I see it now my choices are either live with it or get out. At this point I am not ready to leave . I have seen a few different therapist over the years (he refuses to see anyone).

have learned self care.

I have really tried to think of myself. I try not to cover for him and let him feel the consequences of his actions. Don't know what else I can do at this point. Thanks again for your support. I too want it to be Jan. 2nd.

 

[JayPee]

Overcome

You are a lovely person who I can see is very compassionate. From your post you sound level headed and on guard. You are being cautiously optimistic and I applaud you. There are different levels of alcoholism and it is a progressive disease. It sneaks up on us spouses /partners like a thief in the night and robs us of all that we wished we had.
We don’t usually marry someone who is drunk all the time, rude, hurtful and selfish. This unfortunately evolves along with the consistency of their drinking.
I wish you nothing but the best and hope you can charter these waters as you see fit.

Sending wishes for a peaceful holiday season.