NOT good here...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by STRESSEDTOMAX, Nov 16, 2011.



    Went with Tommy to neuropsychologist appointment last week. He believes it is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). He is now becoming our new psychiatric. Tommy had huge meltdown at school yesterday after having a good day on Monday. Suspended till Friday. Then school is instituting half days for him. We have IEP meeting on Fri morning. Will also be discussing SBS class in another school or partial hospitalization program. I am just so drained from all this. Can't stop crying. Tommy has a Boy Scout trip this Saturday and we told him he couldn't go if we had school problems. I don't even know if we should have said that because as per the last eight years, I have no idea what is under his control and what's not. husband wants him to go. Feels he dcannot control this stuff. I am as usual wondering where the hell all this stuff came from. I am killing myself wondering if all this came because we3 weren't strict enough or we got too angry at him when he was a defiant toddler. Just can't help it. Somebody recommended book called It's Nobodys Fault. Maybe I'll get it. It's so hard for me to believe that.
  2. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Oh gosh Chris. I really don't know what to say. But I do feel what you mean about not know what he can help and what he can't. Tommy reminds me of Carson. I am still searching for "why" Carson acts/behaves the way he does.

    Big Hugs. I hope the new psychiatric can help answer more questions for you.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    This is NOT your fault. NOT in any way, shapre, or form. It has taken me a very long time to realize this, perhaps because for so long I had so many people telling me that it was. If you were not a good mother you would not have any PCs. You have a child who is different from other kids and the way that your PCs are parented and disciplined will not work for Tommy. I know that it's hard (it was very hard for me) but you have to find a differnt way to get through to him. It will take time, but you CAN do it.

    I firmly believe that we are given these kids because God thinks that we are truly the best parents for them, although there are days when I wonder why the good Lord trusts me so much.

    Take a deep breath. It will be okay and it will get better. Now that you have a diagnosis you will be able to get somewhere with him.


    Thanks, Martie. The way so many people here understand is priceless to me when I'm feeling like this. I just wish you were all my neighbors


    Thanks, Bunny...sometimes it all gets unbearable. I know you know that. I just wish I knew where all his anger and aggression comes from.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm such a dork, I keep hitting reply to thread and losing my post! (after I write it all) What I did say a while ago was that I can really relate to that struggle between when to stick to a threatened consequence and when not to. I am really trying to avoid those kinds of threats only because I end up making his life full of nothing (not saying you are doing that, just my story). I usually only pick part of things lately or things that wont be a huge disappointment because it is just too much for him. I have reversed myself, and I know that is not good. I do it by explaining that I have new information and have reconsidered my decision. I then give him a chance to earn the event back by doing some kind of work (Usually trash and laundry gathering because he is good at that but doesn't love it) It is hard to tell when they can and cant, or partially cant. I have decided to think in myself that there is a chance he cant but to present to him that he can. I talk to him as if I expect him to be able to be in control etc.

    I have no right answer for sure, struggle with it all the time.
  7. soapbox

    soapbox Member

    First - as others have said - it isn't you.

    So, where then does it come from?
    That should have been answered by the neuropsychologist appointment... but wasn't (just saw your post over on another thread...).
    3 computerized tests = a comprehensive evaulation? NOT.

    Your son is complex. Its going to take digging - not "easy" labels and computerized testing.
    He may have NONE of these, but I'm going to toss these out there for consideration, partly because these demonstrate some possible explanations for the behavior... if ANY of these is accurate at all, its not too late to pursue separate evaluations.

    1) Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) - auditory processing disorder(s). Usually, by this age, it would be obvious if there were a language processing problem or verbal language processing problem (this latter one is classical Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD)). But... there are other APDs. One is "auditory figure ground"... where the person has trouble picking out the intended sounds, in the presence of background noise. Makes life almost impossible in school. Mentally exhausted from trying to listen, putting so much effort into capturing the "words" that the "meaning" gets lost... and then getting into trouble for: not paying attention, bad attitude, fooling around, etc. There are accommodations and interventions that make a HUGE difference to these kids - including hearing systems that increase the volume of the teachers voice above the background noise... but even having teachers present ALL instructions in WRITTEN format really helps, and there's other stuff too.

    Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) would normally be screened by Speech Language Pathologist (SLP), usually referred to advanced audiology for confirmation. Often hard to tell the difference between ADHD and Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) based on behavior...!!

    2) Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) - developmental coordination disorder - a motor skills problem affecting everyday life. Not a "disability". These kids "can"... nothing wrong with their muscles and joints and nerves... but the "can't". At least, not consistently, not up to speed, takes too long to learn motor skills, wear out in the middle of doing something, get frustrated... If its gross skills, they tend to be bullied, PE is a huge issue. If its fine skills, it affects dressing, eating, handwriting, art, scissors, etc. In other words... affects almost everything in school.

    This is the kid who can form every letter, but can't copy what's written on the board, and can't take notes. Refuses to write more than one-word or short-phrase answers. Didn't "get" basic math (whole story behind that one). It gets labelled as "attitude", which destroys the student's trust in teachers, which then escalates really fast. Like, off the rails before grade 3 is not unheard of.

    Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) is not a common diagnosis (yet, I'm trying to change that!). But an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation would be a good idea if there is any hint of motor skills issues. Occupational Therapist (OT) will not diagnosis, but Occupational Therapist (OT) report is useful to others (including neuropsychologist...). Occupational Therapist (OT) also has therapies that help.

    3) Sensory issues... often go with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but also go with all sorts of other things. If he complains about textures (hates tags, can't stand seams in socks, only wears "soft" clothes... or foods... or noises... or... <insert long list>), worth getting an evaluation.

    Again, this would be Occupational Therapist (OT)... can get both done at the same time.

    <end of list>

    Any ONE of these is enough to drive a kid around the bend before the end of Grade 4.
    What's worse is... if he has ONE of these, he may have ALL of them!
    We've been told: 50% of kids with ADHD have Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD), and 70% of kids with ADHD + a Learning Disability (LD), have Auditory Processing Disorders (APD).

    When I was in your shoes... we had to dig for ourselves. This is where we came to. Its made a WORLD of difference.

    It may be something else other than what's on my list - you may want to rule those out, depending on what you see in your son. But if it isn't those, it will be something else. What you're seeing in behavior, and what you're getting on the neuropsychologist report, don't quite match.

    Keep digging.
  8. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    i understand where you are coming from on blaming yourself. I often feel the same way. I know it isn't, but I still feel it must be. (if that makes any sense at all.) I hope you can find some peace and that you can get the answers you need.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If this is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), then his ability to control his behaviour is complex. However, focus on the following -

    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to be rule-followers where possible. They want to fit in, they want to please you, but the wheels fall off when circumstances/other people provoke them. They have minimal control when roused, distressed, angry, afraid. Other kids can be the worst when it comes to provoking them just for the fun of it. School can be a horrible experience.

    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids need social exposure coupled with careful supervision and roleplay. These kids WILL NOT learn social skills by osmosis the ay other kids do, so shoving these kids into a group of other kids is not the way to teach appropriate social behaviour. However, putting them around other kids with supervision and structure can be very helpful. At school, the playground is generally unstructured and where a lot of problems come from.

    These kids do not do well with change, especially sudden unexpected change. That can trigger anxiety and meltdown.

    Now some general rules I recommend - school problems are dealt with by the school. Home should be a refuge from school and unless it is a problem along the lines of homework not being done and therefore time needed at home to do schoolwork to compensate, I would not remove extracurricular stuff, especially potentially beneficial stuff, for problems at school.

    You wouldn't ask the school to punish your child for insolence to you at home, would you?

    There is more I could say, but that should be enough for now. There is a lot of hope for a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). They can and do improve, especially if you can find what triggers them and reduce exposure to the triggers. Over time these kids can learn to control their own exposure to triggers, especially when they see you working to help them do this.

    You need to become your child's facilitator, not your child's punisher. It can be done and I found it a much easier way to live. We also saw considerable improvement in the child's behaviour, although we have had to accept that we can never turn him into what other people would consider a 'normal' child. But in some ways he's better than normal anyway.