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<blockquote data-quote="Lookingforthelight" data-source="post: 683114"><p>Hi all</p><p></p><p>Thank you for checking in. I'm "ok". Yesterday was better than the day before so I'm clinging to the positives.</p><p></p><p>I need to get some things out. This may be long and rambling and if you happen to read it all, thank you.</p><p></p><p>I've been doing A LOT of reading (52 pages of this forum along with googling other things) the past two days. I've discovered some things or at least I think I have.</p><p></p><p>I am co-dependent. I was with my mom (her problems were my problems) and I am with my Difficult Child. I wanted so bad for my daughter to be perfect and have a perfect life that I have spent her entire life living it for her. From doing her school work, to dealing with friend problems or boy problems, to dealing with problems at her work. You name it, I took it on like it was mine to own. She has suffered consequences (she stole a car when she was 14 and we had her charged, and when she was pregnant she was faced with the decision on how to move forward) but for the most part, I'm running behind her cleaning up the disaster she left behind. I can't and do not blame her for this. I blame me and it makes me sick to think that I created this "monster" and now I'm setting her "free" with no coping skills. I didn't do all these things for her with ill intent. I realize I did these things because I never wanted her to hurt or be scared or disappointed like I was when I was growing up. And all I did was damage her because I was damaged too. I am sure I suffer with mental illness (have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), PTSD, depression and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies) Drugs haven't worked so well with me, and like I said before I was doing therapy but stopped because of the cost. My heart is in AGONY when someone I love is struggling. Be it my husband, Difficult Child or easy child. I obsess with how to fix it, I offer advice (way too much advice, I can't drop it until they do something) and then when that crisis is diverted I move to the next one. Does anyone else go through this - I suppose it's a different forum but it relates to my Difficult Child.</p><p></p><p>Anyways, I feel terrible for throwing my kid out, but I know that this is her only shot of being a successful & happy adult if she's away from me to make mistakes and deal with the consequences on her own without my interference. My mom died when I was 20 and I looked after her for years before that so I had no choice but to sink or swim. I love my mom, but the best thing that ever happened to me was her dying.</p><p></p><p>I suppose it sounds like I'm shifting "blame" on to myself and that's not what I'm intending to do. Difficult Child has been abusive, a chronic liar, manipulative and now a thief - she needs to own that. And I know I raised her knowing right from wrong - for 3 days after stealing the money, she was very nice (& almost needy) and kept asking if I was mad at her - guilt. She is always like that when she's done something wrong that she knows I'll be upset about.</p><p></p><p>I've read about Borderline (BPD). I actually think I have it too to some degree. What upsets me most is learning that it can be caused by abusive or neglectful parenting. I think I was neglectful in that I was always busy working, doing school or wanting a social life. I admit there were times I resented my precious child and my circumstances of having no support. I was TIRED and suffering and young. I can't change the past but I'm not sure how to move forward with all the regrets I have.</p><p></p><p>Is there hope for me and my kid? I mean I'm in my forties! I've been like this all my life! I'm going to my doctor and going back to my therapist to work on getting through this and learning a healthy way of detaching. I have Co-Dependent No More and will read it. Will our relationship survive this? I haven't talked to her since Friday. My husband is convinced she'll ask to come home eventually but how do I explain why she can't come home? </p><p></p><p>I don't know what else to say at this point. All I ever wanted was health and happiness for my girl and to have a close relationship and now there's none of that.</p><p></p><p>I'm sad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lookingforthelight, post: 683114"] Hi all Thank you for checking in. I'm "ok". Yesterday was better than the day before so I'm clinging to the positives. I need to get some things out. This may be long and rambling and if you happen to read it all, thank you. I've been doing A LOT of reading (52 pages of this forum along with googling other things) the past two days. I've discovered some things or at least I think I have. I am co-dependent. I was with my mom (her problems were my problems) and I am with my Difficult Child. I wanted so bad for my daughter to be perfect and have a perfect life that I have spent her entire life living it for her. From doing her school work, to dealing with friend problems or boy problems, to dealing with problems at her work. You name it, I took it on like it was mine to own. She has suffered consequences (she stole a car when she was 14 and we had her charged, and when she was pregnant she was faced with the decision on how to move forward) but for the most part, I'm running behind her cleaning up the disaster she left behind. I can't and do not blame her for this. I blame me and it makes me sick to think that I created this "monster" and now I'm setting her "free" with no coping skills. I didn't do all these things for her with ill intent. I realize I did these things because I never wanted her to hurt or be scared or disappointed like I was when I was growing up. And all I did was damage her because I was damaged too. I am sure I suffer with mental illness (have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), PTSD, depression and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies) Drugs haven't worked so well with me, and like I said before I was doing therapy but stopped because of the cost. My heart is in AGONY when someone I love is struggling. Be it my husband, Difficult Child or easy child. I obsess with how to fix it, I offer advice (way too much advice, I can't drop it until they do something) and then when that crisis is diverted I move to the next one. Does anyone else go through this - I suppose it's a different forum but it relates to my Difficult Child. Anyways, I feel terrible for throwing my kid out, but I know that this is her only shot of being a successful & happy adult if she's away from me to make mistakes and deal with the consequences on her own without my interference. My mom died when I was 20 and I looked after her for years before that so I had no choice but to sink or swim. I love my mom, but the best thing that ever happened to me was her dying. I suppose it sounds like I'm shifting "blame" on to myself and that's not what I'm intending to do. Difficult Child has been abusive, a chronic liar, manipulative and now a thief - she needs to own that. And I know I raised her knowing right from wrong - for 3 days after stealing the money, she was very nice (& almost needy) and kept asking if I was mad at her - guilt. She is always like that when she's done something wrong that she knows I'll be upset about. I've read about Borderline (BPD). I actually think I have it too to some degree. What upsets me most is learning that it can be caused by abusive or neglectful parenting. I think I was neglectful in that I was always busy working, doing school or wanting a social life. I admit there were times I resented my precious child and my circumstances of having no support. I was TIRED and suffering and young. I can't change the past but I'm not sure how to move forward with all the regrets I have. Is there hope for me and my kid? I mean I'm in my forties! I've been like this all my life! I'm going to my doctor and going back to my therapist to work on getting through this and learning a healthy way of detaching. I have Co-Dependent No More and will read it. Will our relationship survive this? I haven't talked to her since Friday. My husband is convinced she'll ask to come home eventually but how do I explain why she can't come home? I don't know what else to say at this point. All I ever wanted was health and happiness for my girl and to have a close relationship and now there's none of that. I'm sad. [/QUOTE]
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