I'm new here. And I almost feel weird writing to strangers. But I'm lost, and scared and have read posts on here for two days after googling "dealing with a difficult child". And I just need to get this out because maybe here I won't blame myself or be judged. I'm sorry in advance that this may be long winded. I have a difficult child. She just turned 18 recently. She's been difficult from the time I can remember. Raging tantrums for hours and general defiance. I've talked to her dr when she was young, her school, and currently have her seeing her second psychologist. Everyone who meets her tells me what a wonderful child she is. So mature. Blah blah. She's an actress. At home she is abusive, mean, a liar, a thief, and sweet as pie...when she wants something. She's been drinking since 14. She smokes although she still lies about it. Her lying is unreal. Recently discovered she snorted Xanax. She was pregnant last year with her drug dealing/using boyfriend. She decided to abort and thankfully ended the relationship with the boyfriend. Only to hang out with a loser girlfriend (who's into Xanax) and now has another boyfriend who I've learned "was" addicted to adderal and most likely Coke. He still lives at home, no job. No school. My kid doesn't like school but is so close to graduating after throwing away the entire year last year. But, I think she goes because then she gets stuff from me & my husband (car etc). She had a job. But quit in December so we agreed we'd pay for things as long as school is her priority. What a joke. I feel like a fool. We've moved her out of our house so many times because of her behavior but I'm the idiot who always lets her back. Because she's sorry, she'll change. Blah blah. We recently went on a two week vacation. She was miserable the majority of the trip. Not a normal moody teenager miserable but bad. She affected all of us, as she seems to always do. We got back and I've barely seen her since. I discovered she stole money from me and that was my last straw. (Especially considering the same day she stole the money, I gave her $60 for her allowance & gas). I will not be a prisoner in my own home. My husband and I went to the boyfriends in the middle of the night, took the car, came home, disconnected the battery and changed the locks on our house. We cancelled her cell phone (new step for me) and the insurance & the car is listed to sell. My daughter then tried to lie to me (of course) about taking the money and I had proof she did it and texted a picture to her. No response. Shocking. She then shows up after dinner and is mad at me! "It's just $60, get over it". Slammed around my house, then left. She later texts me like nothing has happened, and TELLS me that she'll be coming home tomorrow. What?! Nope. No you won't be. This is no longer your home. She didn't like that much and I've warned her for the last year when she turns 18, we will not put up with her destructive behavior. I have a younger daughter as well who has constantly witnessed this abusive behavior. (She has physically attacked both me & my husband) and I cannot do this anymore. I feel crazy. I'm tired of her choices affecting me. I cry. I don't sleep. I don't eat and I'm not being a good wife or mom to my other daughter who quite frankly is a godsend compared to the older one. How do I let go? How do I know I'm making the right decisions (she tells me I'm ruining her life by kicking her out, she won't graduate, she'll turn to drugs. BLAH BLAH)? What happens if she gets worse? Loses her life & I cut off contact? She hasn't been to school for the last two days so really I'm sure it's me who wants her to graduate. Not her. How do I stop blaming myself? I'm not perfect but I've been a hands on mom. Long talks about sex, drugs, bad friends etc., provided a nice life for her thinking it was good we could give her things we never had growing up. I take fault for enabling her to continue on this path of destruction. I never should have let her back home last June but I had her psychologist tell me how difficult it would be on her to be living at her grandparents away from her social circle. Ughhhh. I want to scream. Is it ok that I feel pure hatred for her but still love her? Thanks for reading.