not that I'd do this but...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    In Jan Q is 16. I guess if everything else fails and there is no use for a school system he could drop out. I checked it out and with parent permission they can (lol funny thing is my kid would want to stay in school forever). Of course it is not what I want. I'd want him to be able to have transition services until he is 21. But if there is nothing.

    The advocate called and I think she is so angry she can hardly stand it and it may make them not even try anymore. She talked to the mother of a boy who was in the class before they moved to the new school, he was a child who had to have a room next to the other kids and Q and he sought eachother out when they could, at times meaning they did play nicely but usually meaning they ramped each other. Problem is this guy has committed serious sexual assaults on people and is aware of drugs etc. He is being raised by his sister and her hubby and they are wonderful from what I hear. They moved him for the same reasons they dont want Q there, that there is this new teen mother/baby program and what if they do something to them and the nice new building etc. So, he is in the place where they are suggesting to move Q and she says she hates it there. He has had several prone restraints and there have been no reports sent home to her. First, obvious the two boys shouldn't be in the same place. Second, it shows it is not due to the needs of the student, but instead the wants of the admin that this kid was gone. The only other site is where kids are in their own "office" all of the time. Q would be back to how it was at mid school. They were saying how he is now awake most of the day, well yeah, he is not in a pattern created by leaving him to sit in a chair for hours in a little room by himself. duh. (remember the picture I showed where he was in the room and the aide was just outside sitting in a chair with the door propped open, taken by Q)

    The advocate said maybe the home program with the small school here would be better and I said, NO , everything in me hated that program and I think to move him there because she is so mad at these people is not fair either. If it turns out they did hire a decent teacher who is staying and they have more kids and know what to do with them....maybe but they had just two small rooms in a whole building. They had no ability to separate out kids and no back up if the teacher was gone, only the ebd teachers. awful! When he went there for only 1.5 hours to use a room with the home bound teacher he had to leave twice because of the chaos in the halls from others and he would jump in the mix....just not the right place. If something has changed I'll look but I think it would be awful.

    Then she said as much as she hates the program my son did for his social skills, (they worked with the previous boy I mentioned and in two days said they didn't want him, too much for them)...since my boy did well there, she is wondering about asking our district to pay for him to be there. It is very expensive. we paid over 2000 for a summer once weekly class. But he had a one on one aide and though he had moments, they felt he did well and wanted him to attend more classes etc.

    But if they for one second had any reservation and they would drop him, omg....I would not risk that. They are a private facility so have no obligation to follow the law. They do have a program where they consult with and support schools. Problem is that the current district considers themselves the experts and the advocates experience is that they do not take to suggestions kindly. uggg, everyone has an ego.

    So, though I'd obviously create a program for Q, the knowledge that they couldn't hold me to the fire for not providing an appropriate education (so stupid since they have not been able to make any progress for years and what he does do well is because of home)...was just a safety net relief.

    My conversation with her at least lead me to realize I am still in fighting mode. I obviously do want to try to solve things and will stick it out. But as I said, this time, I dont want to feel like I am free falling. I want back up ideas in my head yet hoping I never have to go there. I told the advocate to first lets see if we can make this work. If they make no forward movement then yes, we have to do whatever. She said she doubts they will and I agree but I still have that dumb hope.

    If she ticks them off too much then I'm afraid they will take it out on us. When she left I did tell them that the advocates opinion is very valuable to me but to remember that I am his mom and I will make the decisions for Quin.

    I hope they can keep it separate. They have a long history with her and I think too she is very burned out. This year has been hard and she has seen a lot of awful things go on, way beyond what she went through with Q. I think this meeting may have been the straw that broke the camels back for her and I want an appropriate level of force but not over kill.

    Calgon, take me away.
  2. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Is she a Pacer advocate? I hate to think of what may happen for Q.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    She is from the Disability L a w c e n t e r
  4. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    This must be so frustrating! I'm glad that you recognize that perhaps she is a bit burnt out and you are willing to take steps to counter it if need be. Still got some of that fight in you, go get em! =)
  5. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    maybe try Pacer.
  6. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Know that you are in my thoughts. Very few ever traveled the road you are on... Be strong and try not to lose yourself in the process.
    I'd like to tell you that there is more than school in life, that droping out would be ok. But I also realize that it is beyond school. It's also about respite for you, social exposure, life skills. (( HUgs))
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I've talked with Pacer many times. They are good at guidance but do not attend the meetings often around here. The law advocates have the power to represent you if this goes to a higher due process level and you can't work with both. When q was little arc was really good and they came to the meetings too.
  8. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    hmmmmmmmmmmmm that's weird. Pacer can and does attend IEP meetings. I hope things turn around soon for you and Q
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Over the years I've called multiple times, go to workshops there and Quin's picture is even on their entrance wall as you go in. When I needed someone back when he was in third grade the called and consulted but no they have only so.many advocates and couldn't come so I used arc and they were great. Same in fifth grade and then again last year so I went with the mn dis. Center because they said when and where the second they heard the situation involved a possible move and restraint. PACER called back always and gave advice several times but again that was the limit. Well mostly an intern called. Id use them for sure for any procedural advice or checking laws etc. They are wonderful but never once agreed to attend with me and this is way beyond attending myself and saying well according to Pacer...
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am glad you're still in fight mode! I'm happy to hear you have some fight left in you but I also agree that you need a back-up plan. Who told you they can quit at 16 with parent permission? Would you be able to fill his day enough that your hours as a "pushing bag" remain somewhat limited? If you fight until January, then decide if you've made any progress, at least then there is a more suitable option. I know Q likes the social aspect of school but the educational piece is so limited that I don't know that it will make any long-term difference. He REALLY needs to start working on life and social skills without you being the only teacher. I know Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) does some but the more the better.

    I'm sorry to hear that C might have ruined things for you somewhat. I, too, hope they don't "take it out on" you guys. That wouldn't be fair but then nothing about any of this is fair.

  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just look it up on the internet. Several county and state and ed sites. It's under MN statutes. How many days gone equals which levels of truancy etc. Then says students age 16-17 are compelled to attend school and must attend unless they have parent permission. Of course some sites say it would make no sense for a parent to do that when they are not even barely qualified to work but those sites were not sp.ed. sites considering kids who won't have skills to work and arw unable to pass any grades at a typical level.

    I'd prefer he stay. I'm just saying if he is continually moved, not allowed to settle in, forced to swing back to extreme anxiety and sadness leaving people and routines .....then needs a year to recover???? Not only no school progress but regresses and develops terrible coping strategies every time .....even got hurt by staff and was at risk of being part of the justice system with no ability to work with his special needs and leaving him with a record ....ugggg. Just weighing it out, its such a huge risk.

    How horrible to write this out. I'm actually afraid for my son at the hands of public school professionals. Not child bullies. Grown people who are supposed to be there to help. I have zero desire to return to Special Education to work. And it used to fill me up with such satisfaction. Just sad.
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You will do the what is in Q's best interest. You are an amazing mother.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wonder about getting Q into a sheltered workshop. Call some of them. I seriously doubt he can get into the daughter programs at the community college level without either a HS diploma or GED. Tony had a relative who was some form of daughter who went to special programs at the CC. They certainly werent college level classes. More like ADL classes but it got her out of the house and her aide went with her.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I often hesitate to post about Q's future because the complexities are beyond my range of experience. on the other hand I do know that sometimes there is a forgotten resource or a resource that has changed/expanded/specialized in a way that now makes them worth reexploration. So...I'll suggest exploring the Voc Rehab program. Their mission does get some tweeting every few years and where I live their work in unison with Volunteers of America has added dimension. Truly I do think of you and Q on a regular basis and keep hoping their is a niche found that allows him to be the best he can be. Hugs DDD
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Just be careful that if you do allow him to stop going to school that the door remains open for him to return at any point prior to aging out.

    I've looked for services for Eeyore as he will be 18 at the beginning of his junior year and with the significant amount of job training he will need, I wanted to get a jump start but none of the places around him will take him prior to 21. They expect the school to take care of it until then.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thanks everyone. Yes I already called voc rehab. They will call back next week but the person I talked to said they start at age 16 or a jr in high-school. Q is a freshman but they said thats ok if he meets other criteria. He needs to have the potential to be employable. Well how do you know if he's never been trained on anything. He does well at the ranch so???? They thought the ranch / farm option was good. So we will see.

    True, he wont be in the pre college transitional sp ed programs. We have more functional Ind. Living transition programs too. But they are the same issue as school, my friends son is in it now and they have had to fight for every individual goal. He is college material based on school performance but not testing. They asked for tutoring for the tests just like other typical teen kids do and his scores went up and still they had to fight. The classes are larger and lots of social skills all together are worked on. If q doesn't get the practice now....gets more and more isolated, then how can he go to that I predict more of the same if we dont work this out. Same for a sheltered workshop. He will need supervised /coached work but I have worked in workshops. It would take a situation where he doesn't disrupt others etc. One I worked in took apart old gas meters for the
    scrap metal. Very noisy, lots of sharp parts etc. He does do well in his small group jobs like putting together bags of beads for cubscouts and shredding paper etc. He currently does the attendance job and even the principal said she has never seen him do poorly in that. He has to knock on every school room door to gather the info. At home he can do laundry and unload the dishwasher and he makes simple foods so he certainly has potential for something.

    The horse back riding program he is in is part of an overall mission to provide meaningful jobs to people with autism regardless of their level of functioning. They now have hundreds of acres of land in Montana and three huge health care buildings in mpls. They are creating retreats for people to go to where you volunteer and the residents do whatever they can to make your stay fun and yummy. I was asked to speak at a fundraiser for them last night. Very high brow so I was nervous. They had several young adults with autism come up and explain the tours they offer and are paid to give
    Theres an Irish tour and a behind the scenes horse racetrack tour and a trail ride plus dinner etc. Several of the "kids" have high degrees and others are barely verbal. The founder's son is mostly one word echolalic. He has had some intense behaviors too.

    As I briefly explained how for the last two years the one place I never worry we will be asked to leave is the riding program, how two summers ago. Q went from being not able to be social to having friends and this year he is learning vocational skills and how to help others and when he leaves he feels like he is there because they need him! I realized people were crying. After, I was asked to be interviewed by their publicist. It was a good night. (Interesting ...the sp ed dir. Of a close by large district wanted to know our story. I generalized and of course was politically correct but she was really kind. So were several other big donors one of whom donated the 300+ acre ranch in Montana.) So.glad to be able to help and the goal is for the program to end up self sufficient ...already other states and countries are starting the same business model. I pray we stay connected and its an option for him some day.
    I hope our story helps them achieve this goal.

    It's nice to have a hopeful thought in all of this.
  17. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't it be wonderful if Q could have some kind of future working with or around horses? I don't know how feasible that is but that kind of passion should not go to waste - and horses are clearly good for Q in every way. That riding retreat programme sounds wonderful and your speech obviously moved a lot of people. In general, and to the extent it's possible, one should try to follow the route of what makes the heart sing... not what makes it sink and close down, which is obviously what is happening for you both in the school sector.
    I think you just get to a point of suffering, don't you, where it feels like... no... hang on, life does NOT have to be this way and I will not accept it! You are maybe nearing that point? Hugs.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, you did a wonderful job at the fundraiser! Good for you! Wish I could have been there.

    I'm with-Malika, and not just because I love horses. :) You're in a tough situation and I wish I had some ideas. You are extremely involved and pro-active and I don't know how to help.